Chapter 19
NINETEEN
Alex
“Hey!” I call out before she makes it to the door. “Your coffee.” Walking briskly, I pass it off to her with a final kiss goodbye.
“Thanks,” she says quietly.
Since her birthday, things have been fine, but I noticed she’s been even quieter than usual. Stressed maybe? Just tired from school? Still shaken up by her mom’s call?
“What’s wrong?” I stop her with a hand on her arm.
“Would you be mad if I wasn’t here for Thanksgiving?” I sort of shake my head in surprise. That’s not what I expected.
“Umm, no?” She inhales, trying to figure out how to say it.
“I think I’m going to visit her, and well, I don’t have school next week…”
“Okay, do you want me to come with you?” I don’t think I’ll ever be ready to be in the same room as the famed Darla Strait, but if Em needs me there, I will be.
“I actually think I want to go…alone…” She bites her lip nervously.
“Whatever you want, Em.”
“You’re not mad?”
“Not even a little.” She makes a little nodding motion like she’s relieved.
“You’ll go to Brit’s, right? You won’t be alone?” I haven’t told her about Jess coming. Seems pointless.
“I’ll be fine. Don’t worry.”
“Okay, I’ll probably book a flight and hotel between classes today. You promise it’s okay?”
“I promise.” I pull her in for one more kiss, my arms wrapping around her back. “I love you, Em.”
She kisses me back and says, “I love you, too.” Then she’s gone.
Thanksgiving is next week, so I’m not expecting anyone to be free, but I give it a shot just in case.
A
Plans for Thanksgiving?
Blanks
Nope, though Brit invited me.
Not going?
Didn’t get the warm and fuzzies last time I was in town. Thought I’d let you two enjoy the holiday alone.
Emma won’t be here.
On the rocks?
No. Asshole. In Vegas. To visit her mom.
You’re letting her go by herself?
I’m her husband, not her keeper. She wants to go alone.
He doesn’t text back. Delta and I would just spend the day together. And we’d be fine. Totally fine.
Em
You didn’t have to rebook my hotel.
A
You can’t stay at a motel, sweetheart.
Well, thank you. What time are you heading to Brit’s tomorrow?
Not sure. If you want to call or text, anytime. Doesn’t matter, okay?
Okay.
Have I told you you’re the best husband lately? Because you are.
I’ll take it. Love you.
Love you too
“You wanna walk?” I ask Delta, sliding my phone back into my pocket. He spins around in a circle, his tail wagging. That’s a yes. “Alright, let’s go.” I grab his lead but leave it off so he can roam free.
We opt for the path down to the cove and head towards the lake. Emma and I don’t go every day like we used to. She’s been tired the last couple of times I tried to wake her. I smile at the memory of her arms stretched overhead, baring her stomach in that cropped tee she wears to bed.
Damn, I miss her already.
I don’t have enough cell signal on the trail, but the idea is there to check flights when I get back from the walk. Hell, maybe I’ll even drive and surprise her.
Delta starts picking up speed as we get closer until I can’t see him anymore, but I can hear him barking, loud, with alarm.
Picking up the pace, I jog to catch up but stop dead in my tracks when I round the last bend.
No.
Sitting on the boulder — mine and Emma’s boulder — is Jess. Looking terrified of my rabid-looking dog. Shit.
“Delta, heel.” He stops baring his teeth. “Sit.” He takes a seat, and I slip the lead around his neck.
“Sorry.” It’s short, and I turn Delta and I around to leave.
“Wait!” The thought, don’t wait, is there, but it’s overridden by everything I try to keep repressed.
I turn around to face her, and I hate it.
Hate how fucking beautiful she is. Her hair has grown out since I saw her last year. It’s longer and wavy, whipping around in the wind. Fucking teasing me.
She’s wearing hardly any makeup, and with the wind coming in my direction, I can smell her perfume, unlocking memories I’ve pushed to the furthest edges of my mind.
“Hey, Jess,” I say when she doesn’t say anything. She starts climbing off the boulder to stand closer while keeping plenty of space between her and Delta. “He doesn’t bite, just a bit protective, and sometimes an asshole, is all.” She nods.
“Are you talking about you…or the dog?” She gives me a slight smile. I try to return it, but it’s hard. Always hard with her.
“The dog.”
She nods awkwardly again. “Y-you look really good, Alex.” She’s nervous. Strange to see her like this.
“Thanks, I am good.” I hope it stings. I hope even just a fraction of the sting I felt when I opened that fucking invitation.
“Good.” Her eyes widen with surprise before sliding down to check the ring on my finger. It’s always there. I never take it off. Not in the shower, not working out. It’s there as a reminder. A constant one.
I don’t let my eyes stray, but I know she wears a ring now, too. A big gaudy one, like Damian needed the world to see it from space. Hope she likes it.
“I actually came down here, hoping I’d run into you.” My heartbeat races. “Brit said you come down here a lot.”
I nod, chewing on the inside of my cheek, an old nervous habit rising from the dead.
“I just wanted to, I guess…see if you’re happy.
And that…nothing’s changed. For you.” The fuck is she getting at?
“Because sometimes I wonder…if you only did it to prove a point…and if you regret it?” She’s looking down at her feet now.
I don’t regret a single second spent with Emma. I don’t think I ever would.
Without her, I would have ceased to exist.
“I don’t regret it, no.” I don’t tell Jess the whole story. She’s also not asking. Out of nowhere, Delta starts growling at Jess, sensing that someone is encroaching on Emma’s territory. “Delta, no,” I command harshly, and he stops with a whimper. “Sorry,” I apologize.
“Yeah…” She finally looks up, “If-” she starts, then stops. “If you ever-” she sighs. “This is your last chance…if you want to change things.” I stare at her. Is she fucking kidding?
“I’m married, Jess.” Her cheeks turn crimson, and I run my hand over my beard to hide any reaction.
“I know, but I can’t help but think the marriage isn’t actually real.
And I guess…I don’t want any regrets when I walk down the aisle in June.
” She moves her hands inside the sleeves of her sweatshirt, the anxiousness showing.
“So I just want to be sure because…I got your note. On the prenup. And I haven’t stopped thinking about it since.
” The post-it note I’d scribbled in my lawyer’s office in haste.
I’ve always and only ever loved you, Jess.
I remember it. I don’t regret it. But that was a long time ago. It isn’t even true anymore. I feel like I can barely recognize the man who wrote that. He’s almost nothing like the man standing here today. With a dog, and a wedding ring, and a wife that I respect and care for. Deeply. A wife I love.
And yet, none of that seems to matter right now. My instincts are still as fucked as ever because the second I’m around Jess, I revert. I want the hurt. I want the pain. I want my heart racing and us fighting. I want to feel the burn. But at what cost?
“I’m glad you got the note. I meant it.” I try to temper my tone; I try to bring the new Alex forward and push the old one back.
“Meant it?” she asks. I nod.
“I’m guessing if my wife had been with me today, this would have gone a lot differently, right?” I try to gently remind her that I am married. I am committed to Emma and not just in name.
“Yeah, it would have.” She straightens her spine, trying to regain some pride. “Do you love her, though?” Her strength is back in her tone. She asks the hard question without a single quiver in her voice.
“Yes.” I love Emma. Every part of her.
“Does she know that?”
“She does.” I don’t say it to harm Jess.
I say it because it’s the truth. It doesn’t hurt to tell Em I love her.
We don’t have a history plagued with mistakes and betrayals that would make loving her hard work.
We have trust and commonalities that Jess and I never did.
We could have, but we could never move forward.
I look at Jess, and my soul wants to wither under the crushing pain of wanting but never having her. But I look at Emma, and I just feel free. To say what I need and what I want and have it reciprocated. I would give anything in the world to have that foundation with Jess.
Fucking everything.
She swallows, then says, “Okay, good. I hope both of you will come then. To the wedding.”
I don’t answer, unsure that we’ll make it. “Is Damian back at Brit’s?” I could give him a call. Maybe. Just courtesy. I’m not even sure we’re friends anymore.
“Oh, no. He, uh, is in crisis. At work. The PE firm that bought the company a little while ago is pushing him out...so, you know, the sky is falling. But, it’s probably for the best.” She shrugs.
I’m glad to hear Blanks hasn’t gone rogue. This is better than the alternative. I want to assure her of that, but that would be too revealing.
“Hopefully, it works out for him.” I try to be polite even though every cell in my body is thrashing against one another, revolting like I’m making a mistake. The neurons are firing, slinging hot electrical bolts that all sing, don’t fucking let her go. This is your chance. Fucking take it!
“Well, I should let you go. Get back to everyone at Brit’s.” I tighten my hold on Delta’s lead so he won’t pull after her when she leaves.
“Okay. Yeah. I will then.” She starts to turn, like she’s going to leave out the opposing path, but turns back. “I guess this is goodbye?”