Chapter 23 #2
Smiling, I look to Alex, who isn’t on my wavelength, but I don’t care. This is for me. I could barely walk to the bathroom two months ago, and now I’d just walked nearly three-quarters of a mile to my favorite place in the world.
“Help me up, please?” I don’t care if Alex doesn’t want to sit on the boulder and look at the water. I do.
He helps me, though, then takes a seat beside me.
We sit shoulder to shoulder without talking for a long time.
My elation fades the longer we sit, both of us thinking things the other probably can’t even imagine.
We sit with our silence until it feels like one word would be all it takes to shatter this forever.
Was our special spell in this place finally over?
Would he share anything with me today? Would I?
“You know, I never even told her I loved her. Never spoke the words.” What?
I turn to look at him. His face is hard, like this hurts him to admit.
“Why?” I ask curiously.
He runs a hand down his beard before saying, “Everything about Jess is hard. Being with her was hard. She...uh, reminds me of someone. Someone I resent a lot.” I can read between the lines and know he means Georgia.
“And maybe I’m projecting, but I just needed her to say sorry about what happened with Damian.
And she hasn’t. Not once. And I guess, I felt like, if she couldn’t say sorry, I couldn’t say I love you. ” Wow.
“Have you told her this?” He shakes his head. It feels like this is the crux of all their issues. And I’m pissed he’s telling me this. Why now? I want to shake my head and tell him to go tell her instead. Go be with her already! Why is he doing this today? Why would he ruin this moment with this?!
“Why do I need to tell someone to apologize? If they did something wrong, I want them to acknowledge that on their own. Otherwise, it doesn’t mean anything.” He has a point, but still, what is the point?
“The only person I’ve said ‘I love you’ to, aside from my family and my daughter, is you, Emma.” My throat feels swollen suddenly. We used to throw “I love you” around some days like they were beads at Mardi Gras. At times, I even wondered if he was too cavalier with it.
It hasn’t been like that since the accident, though.
“When I tell you I love you, Emma,” he turns to look at me, reigniting a flame that’s dwindled since I came home, “I mean it. I love who you are. I love who we are. I love that there’s no one else in this entire world who knows me like you.
And even when you didn’t know me, you showed me a capacity for love I didn’t know existed yet.
” He sneaks a hand down to grasp mine in his.
He punctuates the statement with the half smile I used to adore.
My chest burns.
“Even when I was the one in the wrong, you apologized, Em.” His eyes cloud with tears, and mine start to as well.
This is his fucked-up version of a pep talk. I know it. This is him trying at 110%. I give him a wan smile back. I meant what I said when I said I’d forgiven him. Whatever it was, it didn’t matter. Not then. Not now.
The magic of this place bleeds into me, and I can remember the phenomenon surrounding us. It’s that nothing else exists outside of this moment. It’s just him and just me. The past dissipates, the future doesn’t matter. It’s just this existence that we’re sharing together right here, right now.
“I don’t know what the fuck I’m doing, Em. But I do know you’re the only person on Earth worth trying for.”
“Alex,” I whisper his name, remembering why I love him. “I love you.” He nods, then leans in to kiss me. His warm lips press against mine. A gloved finger tilts my chin up, and his warmth seeps into me.
“I missed you,” I whisper across his lips when we take a break for air.
“I’m not done loving you, I promise.” I nod back, and he kisses me once more. It’s not the kind of kiss we used to share where it was a fight for dominance. This time, it’s tender and filled with a caring, so deep I know he isn’t done. And I’m not either.
“We should probably head back soon, before the B’s send out a search party.” The B’s are Becks and Blanks. He stays close, his nose brushing against mine.
“Okay,” he finally caves, climbing off the boulder first, then reaching up to lower me down. The second my feet hit the damp, pine needle path, I know I’ve overextended myself.
“Any chance I could get a piggyback ride?” He smiles, crouching down in front of me.
I hold on tight as he walks us home, feeling safe, cozy, and alive inside. When he sets me down on the mudroom bench, I let him know.
“That was exactly what I needed.” Because I know him hearing that is what he needs, too.
“Need help dismantling the layers?” I shake my head, declining his offer. “I’m gonna go start some tea then,” he pauses to kiss my forehead. “I’ll be right back.”
As he walks into the kitchen, I fling my scarf back off my neck, then throw my beanie onto a hook, clapping when it hits the pinboard like a backboard and sticks the landing.
Papers shift and fall, and I curse my own laziness.
Picking up the fallen papers off the floor, I sift quickly, my fingers catching on the corner of gilded handmade paper.
The invite.
June 14th. That’s still months away…I could make a lot of progress by then if I work hard enough…
“Becks!” I shout, bringing her running into the mudroom. Screens and I still aren’t the best of friends. I’ll need to outsource help for this task.
“Are you okay?” she asks frantically.
“Yeah, I just need you to send an email for me, please?”