Alfie, Part One

Chapter 9

Alfie Scott

Technically , it was a motel.

I stayed in the doorway as Colby packed up his shit, including Tony’s things. If Tony wanted his bag, Kellan could arrange for a pickup—or we shipped it to Dublin. I didn’t care. All I knew was, Colby was checking out of here tonight.

The stains on the carpet spoke of years of guests spilling, throwing up, getting off, maybe bleeding, and…pissing, by the smell of it. The two beds were different heights, one looked awfully lumpy, and the closest nightstand had one leg duct-taped.

We were also half an hour outside Camden—on the wrong side.

“What’s the rate here?” I asked.

Colby heaved a breath and stuffed another bundle of clothes into a duffel. “Um, about sixty bucks.”

“Youse got robbed.” I wouldn’t stay here if I got paid a grand a night.

He shrugged a little. “The TV works.”

Even with scratches across the screen? Impressive.

“Not too many bed bugs either.”

Oh, for chrissakes. I immediately moved off the doorframe and wiped my arm.

“And you’ve been here for how long?” I asked.

“Um, a few weeks. We was at another place before, but we got kicked out.”

I hummed. Since we’d left the safehouse, I’d asked a handful of questions to get to know Colby a little, and he always spoke in terms of “we” and “us,” but I was getting the distinct feeling that the guilty party for most of the bad shit was Tony.

“Shouldn’t you be in school?” I wasn’t gonna correct his grammar when my own wasn’t the best either, but I was definitely curious about when he’d dropped out. ’Cause it was clear he had. This wasn’t just summer break.

“I don’t know. They never taught me anything valuable.”

Right.

He hesitated by the bathroom door. “Do you mind if I, uh…”

He wanted to freshen up. No wonder.

I checked my watch. Ah, Christ. It was almost three in the morning.

“Make it quick,” I said.

He nodded and ducked in with a pair of jeans and a tee.

While I waited, I brought out my personal phone, and I was stupidly a little wounded there was no text from West. Then again, gone were the days when I’d deserved his worry.

He’d never been one of those who wanted to keep me from my friends or anything, not that I’d ever had many, but he’d wanted to know when I was planning on coming home, so he could either meet up with me, come get me, or just know when to expect me.

I sent him a message in case he was up.

I’ll be back in an hour to uphold my promise to Trip.

I stood up straighter automatically when the “read” symbol flashed at the bottom almost instantly. So he was awake, that was for sure.

As the seconds ticked by, I figured he wasn’t going to reply, though. Not even with a thumbs-up reaction.

“Heartbreakin’ cunt,” I muttered to myself.

Forty-five minutes later, we were closing in on Ardmore, and I’d picked up food for us after I’d heard Colby’s stomach growl one time too many.

He inhaled his hoagie as if his life depended on it, he was still skittish and wary of eye contact, and he called me boss and sir.

There wasn’t a snowball’s chance in hell I was dropping him off at a hotel.

“Did your brother sign youse up for shipments because of the money?” I asked.

I’d been around Kellan long enough to know many in upper management had started out early. Fourteen-fifteen wasn’t unusual to dip your toes in petty crimes if you’d grown up in the syndicate. But to volunteer to accept shipments was another level of stupid. If you got caught, you fucking went away.

Colby nodded and peeled away more of the wrapping around his hoagie. “He said we could afford an apartment faster.”

Yeah, you could also find yourself serving ten years in prison faster if you didn’t know what the fuck you were doing.

“And JJ didn’t mind?” I pressed.

The kid made a face and shrugged. “He advised against it, I guess.”

He should’ve put his foot down and said no, period. Tony and Colby had technically been a part of JJ’s crew, so it was his decision.

“I take it you’re cousins through your moms?” I mean, since they didn’t share a last name. “Where did you grow up?”

“All over,” he said and took another bite. I handed him a napkin. “Boston, Newark, Buffalo, Wilmington… Mom liked to move around a lot. She said it was better than paying back all the money she owed people.”

Well, all right. “Where’s she now?” Please don’t say dead, please don’t say dead.

“In prison.”

Oh Christ. Was that better?

“One of the guys she owed money to found her, so she shot him in the head,” he finished.

I opened my mouth to say something, but nothing came out. My brain had nothing. I had enough wits about me to take the next exit, but what the fuck did you say to something like that?

“When did this happen?” I asked next.

“Uh…” He squinted and sucked grease from his knuckle. “Maybe three years ago…? Then Aunt Carol took us in so I could go to school, but…um. It didn’t work out for very long, and Tony said it was better if we were on our own. Plus, I wanted to make money so I could buy a new computer.”

Right. Right, yeah, of course. Perfectly normal.

When he finished his food, I automatically handed him mine, ’cause fuck if I had any appetite left.

“You’re not hungry, sir?” he questioned.

“Not really. Go ahead.”

“Thanks.” He didn’t waste a second in tearing that roll open. “So where are we going?”

I cleared my throat. “My ex-husband’s house. I just gotta talk to him for a minute, and then we’re going to my place.”

There was no way I was picking up the kids at this hour.

“You’re gay?”

“Yeah, that’s why I married a man.” I side-eyed him. “You’re not gonna have a problem with that, are you?”

He shook his head as he chewed. “I don’t care. Except once—when a girl I liked turned out to be a carpet muncher. That sucked.”

I coughed and sent him an incredulous look, and then I couldn’t fucking help it. I let out a laugh too, ’cause the way he said it—it was too funny.

“I think they prefer lesbian,” I told him.

“No shit, ’cause she sure as hell didn’t prefer me.”

Oh my God. I did my best to smother my amusement, but in that moment, I saw so much of myself from when I was that age. I’d lost count of the times Ma had smacked me upside the head because I’d said something offensive.

“Okay, well…” I killed my last chuckle by clearing my throat, and now I had to be the grown-up. “I’m a dad, so I try to set a good example, even when my kids aren’t around.” Not an ounce of me believed Colby posed a threat, so chances were, he’d meet Trip and Ellie tomorrow. “I curse all the time, but I’m working on not doing it in front of them. You will do the same. Okay? No motherfuckers or retards or cunts near young ears. And—actually, no retards at all. My cousin’s kid has a developmental disorder, so that one’s personal.”

Colby nodded slowly and swallowed what was in his mouth. “Yeah, aight. Sorry if I offended. I didn’t mean any disrespect.”

“You’re fine,” I assured. “Trust, I’m no saint when it comes to being offensive. I just don’t want my kids to learn words they shouldn’t repeat.”

In addition, I didn’t need to give West another reason to think I was a shitty parent. If the kids picked up a new curse after a week with me at this point, he’d hold it against me.

In the long run, I had no fucking idea what to do with Colby. It was going to be difficult enough to convince West that it would be totally fine for the kid to stay with me for a while, at least when our kids were around, but I had to do it. That said, after a few weeks, a more permanent solution should be in place, and I didn’t know what that might be. Maybe his aunt and uncle could take him in again? Maybe he could stay with JJ?

When push came to shove, I didn’t believe Colby and Tony had left any location due to problems that Colby had caused. I was convinced he’d been under the influence of his brother—so with him gone…

We’d just have to see.

We arrived at West’s house right about when Colby finished the second hoagie like it’d been a snack. He looked out the window and wiped his mouth, and he seemed impressed by the house.

“When I grow up, I’mma get a house like this,” he said.

The kid wasn’t as skittish anymore.

“Didju live here too?” he asked.

“Yup. It wasn’t my thing.” I pulled up next to West’s car, and I killed the engine. “I prefer the city.” Kind of.

I mean, I did. I did prefer the city. I just…missed some perks that came with having a yard. Particularly in this summer heat. Even in the middle of the night, it was hot. We were having one of those brutal summers that would set records.

“Wait here, all right?” It was too soon for me to leave him alone with a set of keys in the ignition, so he’d have to suffer for a few minutes without AC. “I’ll be back in a few.”

“Yessir.”

I climbed out and made my way to the front door, and this part probably made me more nervous than seeing the Connor cousins on their knees in that basement.

I’d fucked up my whole life, from my education to my marriage, just one thing after another. Except Trip and Ellie. It really wore me down to know West questioned my ability to be a good dad.

I knocked on the door and steeled myself, and I pushed back a yawn. Exhaustion and nervousness didn’t mix well. Two things that weakened my filters.

One, two, three…

“It’s so…refreshing getting to know you, Alfie. You don’t play games, and you ? —”

“Because I never bothered to learn the rules,” I laughed.

He grinned and threw the covers over us, and he drew a full-body shiver from me as he kissed his way down my neck.

“I’ve only ever played one game,” he murmured against my skin. “For some reason, I never wanted to come off as too eager, so I was careful with my timing. I didn’t text too early—or too late, for that matter. I never arrived at a restaurant early. If a date came over to my place, I counted to twenty before I opened the door ? —”

“That’s ridiculous,” I chuckled. But also, more importantly, let’s not discuss past dates. It made me absurdly jealous to know others had been in this bed before me. “For my peace of mind, I wanna pretend I’m the first one in your bed.”

He rolled on top of me, allowing daylight to sneak under the covers, and he smiled down at me.

“You are. It’s a fairly new bed.” He dipped down and kissed my nose, and I smiled back. “With you, though, I can’t even pretend. When you came over last night, it didn’t even occur to me to stand there like an idiot and count to twenty before…”

…seventeen, eighteen, nineteen, twen?—

West opened the door, looking as tired as I felt, and he’d changed out of his pajamas. Well, the unflattering shirt anyway. He wore the bottoms, and he’d opted for a tee instead. Much better. Also, there was no way he’d stood there and counted. He’d probably been upstairs or something. Did I want him to count? No, of course not. I wanted him too eager to count to twenty. But at the same time, if he’d counted, it meant he didn’t want me to perceive him as too eager, which might hide the fact that he was eager—and right about now, someone should shoot me in the face, because what the fuck was wrong with me.

“I take it Trip’s asleep,” I said.

He nodded once, and I noticed he was studying me. His gaze trailed from my neck to my shoulders, down my front, and…was he looking for something?

“Okay. Uh… So I’ll be back early with breakfast,” I said. “Thank you for covering for me tonight.”

“You’re welcome,” he replied. “Did your criminal outing go well?”

I lifted my brows. “Um, yeah. Killed two people and robbed a bank, so if the cops ask, I was here all night.”

That earned me a glare. “You think this is funny?”

“No, West. Not a fucking thing about this is funny,” I answered. “Are we done? I’m tired as shit. I somehow ended up with a sixteen-year-old in my care, and I don’t know what formula and diapers they use. He’s waiting in the car, so I’mma?—”

“What?” He stepped out on the welcome mat and peered toward the driveway. “There’s a kid in your car? Who is it? Why?—”

“It’s a work thing,” I said tiredly. I didn’t have the time or energy to do this. “I showed up because Trip asked me to. Now I’m going home. Don’t you have work in the morning?”

It was like he didn’t even hear me. “Who is he?” he repeated. “Is he staying with you?”

“For a little while.” I took a breath and tried to be patient. I reminded myself that my new…affiliations…were a lot for West to process, and for as long as our kids were underage, what happened in my life was his business too. “His brother is an…associate, I guess you can call it. And he fucked up. So we’re sending him to Dublin for a few months. In the meantime, Colby’s staying with me. Or until I find him a better place. I don’t know yet.”

West remained silent for a beat, and he looked toward the car, even though it was hard to see anything. He wasn’t comfortable, that was for sure. It was another development that put him on edge.

“If you want our children to be around him, I want to meet him first,” he stated. “That’s nonnegotiable.”

Aw, fuck.

I scrubbed my hands over my face, and I opened my eyes as fast as I’d shut them. Christ, I could fall asleep standing up at this point.

“All right.” It wasn’t worth arguing. Truth be told, I would’ve demanded the same if the tables were turned. “I’ll go get?—”

“Oh no, I’m coming with you.” He didn’t bother with shoes. “Who knows what scripted speech you’ll give him if I let you prepare him first.”

What the…

I swallowed around a sudden bout of queasiness. “You honestly believe I’d bring a security threat around the kids.”

“I—what? No, I—” He huffed and pinched the bridge of his nose for a moment. Then he clenched his jaw and stared me down. “Alfie, I’m in the fucking dark here. I’m trying to process everything going on, and when I don’t have any facts whatsoever, I’m on high alert without knowing if anything’s worth being on high alert for. You come here in the middle of the night because of some alleged work emergency, and…” He opened and shut his mouth, but I could predict what he wanted to say. Maybe he just didn’t find the words.

I saw it all in his eyes. I saw the sheer exhaustion, the frustrations, the worries, the hurt, the anger, and the confusion, and every one of his emotions shot right into me so I could feel them for myself. They mirrored so many of my own pains, and sometimes they attacked with enough force that one simply couldn’t express them verbally.

This was my doing. Everything I did had consequences that affected West, all because we shared two children together. He was sick with worry.

“I’m sorry,” I said. I swallowed and had to take a steadying breath. Fuck me, I could feel a meltdown coming on. The pressure in my chest was just too much. It turned my breaths shallow, and everything felt shaky. “I get defensive when you don’t believe me, because it hurts so fucking much, but I understand I’m not giving you any reasons to trust me lately. I—” I couldn’t say another word. They got stuck in my throat as my eyes burned, and I had to look away.

I couldn’t fucking do this. I felt so goddamn lost all of a sudden, and?—

“Hey, come here.” West returned inside the house and nodded for me to follow.

I felt something wet and hot roll down my cheek, and I sucked in a breath and hurriedly wiped it away. How fucking mortifying. Was I really that weak? I couldn’t wait until I was alone? Motherfucker!

“I would never put our kids in harm’s way,” I heard myself croak, and it broke the fucking levees. Tears welled up and spilled over, and I covered my face with my hands. I would never hurt them; I would never hurt them. I loved them more than life itself; I’d kill and die for them, and—what the hell was happening? Before I knew it, West wrapped his arms around me and hugged me tightly, and he couldn’t fucking do that. I broke. I fucking shattered. My body shook with a low sob, and I turned rigid.

I hadn’t felt his arms around me in over two years.

There was nothing pretty about my breakdown. Nothing sweet or endearing in that way that might coax West to feel sorry for me and never let go. It was full-on, breathless sobbing because everything hurt. I had zero composure left. I folded my arms and brought both hands to his chest, and I just cried my ass off and felt his warmth underneath my fingertips.

I’m right sometimes, I’m wrong more often, I’m fucking fumbling in the dark too, I miss you so goddamn much that I don’t know what to do with myself, I’m trying to find my place, I wanna be happy, I’m lost without you, I’m so pissed at you for dumping me, but I understand why you did, please take me back.

“I know you’re a good dad, Alfie.” He cleared his throat and rubbed my back. “I had a knee-jerk reaction when I said I wasn’t sure they’d be safe with you, and I’m sorry. I’m so damn sorry—even though I think it was a valid reaction.”

I whimpered and screwed my eyes shut tighter. Relief washed over me, but the sensation was subdued, because he was right—again. He had every reason to doubt me. Any parent would if they found out their ex, whom they had kids with, had joined the fucking mafia.

“But you can’t cut me out,” he whispered. “I will lose my fucking mind. I’ll get paranoid whenever you step outside. What if something happens to you? Am I supposed to count on our son to call me if you don’t come home one night?”

Tonight had been a fluke. I didn’t normally work with shipments during the weeks I had Trip and Ellie. Both Kellan and Finn had agreed to this. So it wasn’t going to be a regular thing. But…of course I hadn’t told West that. I hadn’t told him anything, except for enough hints to drive him bonkers.

I was so fucking dumb. If this was going to work, I couldn’t cut him out. I had to do the opposite; I had to be more honest with him.

Could I trust him, though?

“You’re staying in the guest room tonight,” West told me quietly. “Go wash up, and I will talk to the kid. What’s his name? He can stay in the studio above the garage.”

I had no strength to argue, and I wasn’t sure I wanted to anyway. It was too late, I was too tired, and we all needed sleep.

“Colby,” I said, sniffling. “He’s a good kid. Just…rough around the edges like me.”

“I know how to deal with that kind of person.” He gave me one more squeeze before easing off, and I wiped at my face. I was such a loser.

I coughed and watched West retreat to the kitchen, and I took a few steps closer.

He grabbed a couple sodas from the fridge, then a bag of chips and a packet of cookies from a cabinet.

“I should come with you,” I said.

“Not when you look like that.”

Ouch. Thanks.

“I’ll ask him if he wants you to check in on him in an hour, but chances are he’ll be asleep,” he said with finality. “I’ll be back in a bit.”

“Okay, I’ll go make myself less ugly,” I mumbled. I handed him my car keys as he passed me.

West rolled his eyes and walked out.

I sniffled and wiped at my cheeks again, and as nice as it felt not having to show my roadkill face to Colby right now, I felt too exposed. West might dig for details or answers I couldn’t give him, so I hurried into the living room and the window farthest away.

I opened it a few inches, knowing I could hear what was going on in the driveway. Unfortunately, it was the wrong angle to see anything, but?—

“You must be Colby,” I heard West say. Listening in would have to do. “I’m West, Alfie’s ex-husband. Our daughter woke up and required a very late bedtime story, and he couldn’t say no.”

“Oh. No problem. I can wait.”

“Actually, we agreed it’s best you both stay the night,” West responded. “I have a guest studio above the garage you’re welcome to use. And snacks.”

“Um, okay. Yeah, sure.”

It didn’t sit entirely right with me to banish a kid to the garage apartment, but on the other hand, I’d helped decorate it. Colby would probably like it up there. The studio had a fully stocked kitchenette, private bathroom, big flat-screen, a nice bed, and an AC unit worth more than the whole motel he’d stayed at with his brother.

It would be good for one night, if nothing else.

“But the boss is okay?” Colby asked. His voice was almost drowned out by the garage door opening. “He kinda saved my life tonight, so I owe him.”

I made a face, hoping he didn’t say more.

“Did he?” West asked. Fuck. Don’t fucking go there, buddy . “How did he do that?”

“You sneaky bastard,” I whispered.

Fuck my life. They were too far away for me to hear Colby’s response. It came out as incoherent mumbling before the sound was too faint. But he knew how to keep his mouth shut, right? If Tony hadn’t given him the business, JJ must’ve.

I closed the window again and headed to the bathroom.

You’re staying in the guest room tonight.

I blew out a breath.

A guest in the house that’d once been mine. Yet, never truly mine. I’d felt like an impostor in this neighborhood. The house too. No matter how hard I’d tried by including some items that’d ended up looking out of place here.

After taking a leak, I washed my hands and my face, and the cold water felt good on my skin. My nose wasn’t so stuffy anymore.