Date Saturday 18 February Time 11.30pm
My thoughts and reflections:
Roger has just dropped me back at Mum and Dad’s after one of the most horrific days of my life, babysitting the twins.
Honestly, I feel like I’ve aged years in a day.
Arrie was trying to press me to stay and drink with her, saying, I’ve still got it in me, Alice, I’m more than just a wife and a mother , but luckily she fell asleep after just one double vodka because as Roger pointed out, she’d been up since the crack of dawn.
Of course she’s exhausted. Honestly, I’m surprised Arrie hasn’t turned to drugs – the cleaning, the children, the animals, the constant stress and responsibility – it made my day doing Aunty Margaret’s rat-infested flat seem like a holiday.
I’ll list the worst bits in an attempt to avoid PTSD and then I’m going to try my best to forget the whole episode.
a) Drew, who was meant to be helping with the animals, had some kind of cow emergency on his own farm so I was left to feed horses and hens in the frigid February rain. All the food was disgusting and smelly: I hate farms.
b) I also had to pick up the faeces of seven puppies (whilst a hostile Maud watched my every move) because otherwise they apparently eat them.
Why do people like puppies? What kind of animals shag their siblings and eat their own crap?
All the while, I was meant to prevent the twins from breaking windows, toys and their own bones.
c) When the boys had finally expelled enough energy to stay in one room for more than a minute, Ernie wanted to know about my thighs and elephants and whether I had any more body parts that were animal and whether you could create hybrid animals and aunts using DNA like in Jurassic World .
And then he made me recite the plot of Jurassic Park about five times until I said, ‘Why don’t we just watch it? ’
‘The Lego one?’ asked Ernie.
‘There’s no Lego in it,’ I said. ‘But someone gets eaten on the toilet.’
The boys got really excited so we watched it, and I felt like a cool aunty and like I had this childcare thing down pat.
Ernie wanted to cuddle up to me, not because ‘he’ was scared, he said, ‘but because you might be, Aunty Alice,’ and it was actually rather sweet.
Until he suddenly bent forward and threw up all over the rug.
I literally nearly had a heart attack and Edwin burst into tears because he was worried about his twin and I phoned Astrid in a blind panic, whilst frantically cleaning up the mess, and she said, ‘Is there any chance he’s seen blood because that sounds vasovagal – you know he’s got a blood phobia like me? ’
Clearly I didn’t.
I looked over at the paused screen where Ellie Sattler had a dismembered arm on her shoulder. ‘He may have seen a little bit of blood.’
‘Give him chocolate and lie him down – distract him and he should recover quickly.’
I put Edwin on my knee and stroked Ernie’s sweaty, silky hair and invented endless types of silly hybrid animals to make them giggle.
I ended up giving both boys all the chocolate I could find.
‘Aunty Alice,’ said Edwin in delight, ‘we’re not allowed any food or drink in the sitting room because of Mummy’s new sofa. ’
‘I tried to be sick only on the rug,’ whispered Ernie weakly.
‘Ah! Good call, Ernie,’ I said, feeling a wave of love for him.
‘I’m sure a little bit of chocolate’s fine – we’ll be super careful.
’ And when Ernie was back to normal and I could breathe again I promised them I’d send more chocolate in the post if they didn’t tell Arrie about the Jurassic Park viewing.
d) Just before bed, when I’d finally cleared up and the boys were bathed and in their pyjamas, and I was so close to the end, Edwin asked if we could play a quick game of Monopoly; against my better judgement I agreed, thinking it couldn’t get as bad as our Carver games of Monopoly.
It did. When Ernie landed on Edwin’s Park Lane Hotel and was bankrupted he threw the board, knocking my tea all over Arrie’s new cream sofa.
‘Oh dear, Aunty Alice,’ said Edwin. ‘That’s why we’re not allowed food or drink in the sitting room. ’
I am grateful for:
It being over
Chocolate
That I don’t live on a farm
That when I flipped the sofa cushions, the other side was clean – Arrie will never know
That Arrie and Roger asked Astrid and Aziz to be legal guardians for Edwin and Ernie; both my sisters and both their husbands have to die before there’s a risk I’m saddled with the twins (even if they’re quite nice to cuddle)