Chapter Four Hell Is Your Past Coming Back to Bite You in the Ass
Chapter Four
Hell Is Your Past Coming Back to Bite You in the Ass
It’s hard to believe that just last week, I was going about my normal, everyday life: teaching my last class of the school year, signing yearbooks, and wrapping farewell gifts to hand out during the eighth-grade graduation ceremony. Now here I am, on a luxury yacht, speeding toward paradise, about to be on reality TV for the first time in my life.
They took my phone away when I stepped on the yacht, but not before I sent a text to my mother promising that I would drink water, and then another text reminding her where I’d left a Post-it note of emergency contacts. She’ll be fine, I remind myself. She’s in between treatment rounds, so she shouldn’t be too worn out. Plus, she has friends checking on her, and Auntie Yee from church is bringing home-cooked meals to her every day. I told my mom I was going to a teachers’ conference in Arizona and wouldn’t have time to check in. It might be wishful thinking, but I’m hoping my mom just never finds out about this. I don’t think she even knows what reality TV is.
Without my phone, I’m forced to admire my surroundings. I squint against the sun and fight the urge to beg the PA to let me send one last text. I’m already antsy without a phone, which is kind of sad, given that it’s only been, like, forty minutes. My hand keeps straying to my empty pocket to check for messages or alerts.
Chase lounges beside me, his tanned shoulder pressing warmly against mine. He’s handsome as always, but there’s something about being in this setting, with the sun catching the gold in his enviably wavy hair, that makes him extra jaw-droppingly hot. He’s got a jawline that could cut butter and a body destined for 4K resolution.
The water around us is the kind of deep and fathomless blue that you see in cruise ship commercials. Everything about this moment screams romance. If a Hollywood filmmaker was going to direct the story of my life, this would’ve been the scene where Chase drops down on one knee and proposes, rather than where he actually proposed—in the middle of Arby’s. This place, however, is the perfect setup.
Well, except for all the people congregated in front of us. At the very front of the crowd is our producer, Leah, standing beside the cameraman and a sound tech. They’re all laser-focused on me, waiting for me to deliver the soundbite they want.
“Alice, just say what you feel,” Leah advises.
I nod, even though there’s no way I’m doing that. If I said what I felt, I’d be talking about the mosquito bite that’s already starting to swell up on my left arm or the slight nausea I feel from the rolling waves buoying up the yacht. And that’s not fair to Leah, who, judging by the way she’s raking her manicured hands through her mass of red curls, has decided that I’m either going to be her greatest success or her greatest failure. My money’s on the latter. At this point, Leah’s made no fewer than seventeen corrections to my posture, my stance, my tone, and, bafflingly, my vibe.
“We’re in love. And we’re ready to prove it to the world,” I say brightly, my forced smile making my cheeks hurt.
“Again, but this time, hold Chase’s hand,” Leah says, her green eyes projecting earnestness even as I notice her mouth thin. She’s clutching a snakeskin notebook and aggressively clicking the pen sandwiched between the pages.
I take Chase’s hand, and he winks at me. Unlike me, he’s a natural at all of this. Anything that would check a D I have to win. But I know it isn’t going to be easy.
As I pick myself back up, I glimpse someone in a blue baseball cap standing stock-still in the shadows of the palm trees. Everyone on the beach is busy—the crew are setting up the shots, and the couples are lining up together. Even Dawn Taylor is doing yoga off to the side. But among all this activity, one person isn’t moving.
I squint, trying to make out this person’s face, but it’s hard to see anything from this distance. I shake my head and tear my gaze away when Lex calls after me, “Have fun in hell!”
Let’s Get Real: Reality TV Gossip at Its Finest
Love Is Hell …Worth it or nah?
If you’re like me, you’re cautiously optimistic about this summer’s newest reality TV show. But who will we be watching? The cast’s identities have been under wraps until today, so I’m going to break it down for you:
Couple #1: Ava (product manager) and Noah (engineer)
All work and no play for these Forbes 30 Under 30 powerhouses. They’re all about ice baths and 5 a.m. wake-up calls to hit the ground running.
Couple #2: Mikayla and Trevor (relationship influencers)
If you don’t know #Trekayla or #boyfriendgoals, are you even on IG? Catch us swooning over Trevor’s latest date night inspos every week.
Couple #3: Daniel (lawyer) and Selena (model)
Selena is already semifamous and most likely just doing this to boost her modeling career, but she should be entertaining to watch. Checking the archives, these two just hard-launched their relationship right before coming on the show.
Couple #4: Brittany (waitress) and Jaxon (works on a farm)
Just a small-town couple living in a lonely world. Their social media consists mostly of cows and baby sheep, which I’m not mad about.
Couple #5: Kendall and Tarun (food influencers)
Their favorite word is umami. If you ever wanted to see 10,000 images of uber-fancy food on tiny plates, check out their feeds.
Couple #6: Firefly and Bacon (occupations unknown)
Even when they’re not at Burning Man, these two bring the playa with them year-round. If you like badasses who can weld as well as they meld, this is the couple for you.
Couple #7: Chase (finance consultant) and Alice (math teacher)
Not much on the social media front. He’s into intramural lacrosse, surfing, and eating sausages (#SausageFest, #itsnotwhatyouthinkhorndogs). She likes math, presumably.
Couple #8: Zya and Dominic (lifestyle influencers)
Zya and Dominic show how you can dominate life and love on their YouTube channel. Subscribe to get tips on leveling up in leading the pack, assuming you’re alpha enough to do it.
Couple #9: Naiah (tarot reader) and Sage (occupation unknown)
They’re all about good vibes and knowing way too much about astrology. Naiah is into tarot and sells scented candles and healing stones.
Couple #10: Bella (social media manager) and Blake (fitness coach)
I strongly suspect Bella and Blake live at the gym. The two are fitness influencers, but it seems like there’s trouble brewing in paradise for them. Check out these comments from Bella on Blake’s latest post:
[Alt Text: Image of a glass of champagne next to a beer with Bella’s and Blake’s hands clasped together.]
BLAKEWITHTHEABS off to the tropics with @bellabae to win a million dollars! wish us luck! :shamrock:
LOVEYDOVEY69 ur so hot :flame:
BELLABAE thirsty much? wud u say this to my face? Tacky!
XOXOGLAMOURGIRL kiss for luck! :smooch:
BELLABAE get out of his comments! he’s taken!