5. Lennon
Chapter five
Lennon
Four days.
I have been hiding in this garage apartment for four days. I know that the real world is waiting for me, I just can’t bring myself to face it yet. I know what I am going to see on Cash’s face when I tell him how badly I have screwed up my life. I’m shocked he hasn’t barged in here yet demanding answers. He has every right to. My parents finished this space as soon as Cash moved out, in case he ever needed to come back home. When he graduated from high school, he went to trade school, and then apprenticed at a heating and cooling company in the next town over. Until he moved back in, he was renting a small studio in town, over the hardware store. Cash has always known exactly what he was going to do with his life, and did it.
I need to get my life together.
I pull leggings and a hoodie out of the dresser and head to the bathroom to take a shower. I still have aches, not sure if those are ever going to go away, but I can move without my whole body feeling like it was hit by a baseball bat. No, just a drunk man with anger issues. Nope. Any thinking about Connor is just going to drag me back down. After a scalding shower, I get dressed, and throw my hair into a messy bun on the top of my head.
My bruises are starting to fade to a nice yellow color, and I’m hoping that sometime in the near future I’ll be able to look at myself in the mirror without hating myself. Baby steps. The first step was to move home. Now that I’m here, I don’t know what I’m supposed to be doing. What I do know is that for the first time in years, I don’t have to worry about my safety.
It’s time to stop dragging my feet and go into the house to find my family. Someone snuck into the apartment and brought some food and clothes, but supplies are running low. I soak up the sun on my face when I step outside, happy with the warmer weather. Having always lived in the Midwest, it wouldn’t shock me if it snowed within the next couple of months. There were so many years that trick or treating turned into a town wide snowball fight.
I wish I was kidding, but we have had snow before the first week of October. I plan on soaking up the sun and heat while it’s here.
I step into the house, and I am assaulted with the sound of children’s laughter, smells of chocolate chip cookies, and a frazzled looking friend. There are toys and books scattered along the floor, shoes in the middle of the room, and the TV is playing a cartoon that I’ve never heard of. But anyone would be able to tell that a happy family lives here. That’s all I wanted again for my childhood home. Laughter. Love. And I knew Shelby and Cash would do just that.
“Lennon!” Shelby rushes over to my side and wraps me in a hug. She has her almost black hair in a bun on the top of her head, her signature, I’m losing my mind hairstyle. A lot of people would have been upset if their best friend came to them and said that they have real feelings for their brother. But I wasn’t. I truly believe that Shelby was the best person for my brother. I was hurt that they felt like they had to hide their feelings, but I got over it pretty quickly.
“Hey, Shelby. Do you need help with anything? And are the cookies ready?” Laughing, Shelby lets me go and hurries into the kitchen, coming back with two cookies and a glass of milk. Shelby could have gone to culinary school and been a chef of a five-star restaurant, but she decided to stay in Pine Creek and work towards taking over her family’s diner. She is now the sole owner and has elevated the menu from a basic diner to sophisticated diner food. On top of being a wife and a mother of two. I don’t know how she does it.
“You and your sweets. A true love story.” She looks around the room before she continues, cracking her knuckles, letting me know she is nervous about what she is about to say next. One perk about being friends with someone since childhood is that you know all of their tells. “Cash and I are really worried about you, Len. I’m here for whatever.” She is interrupted when a scream and a cry coming from the living room alerts us that something is going on with the kids.
We rush out of the kitchen to investigate the issue, and what we find stops us short. My nephew, Crosby, has another little boy in a head lock and Hayes’ little girl is in the corner, crying. My three-year-old niece, Saylor, is watching her brother with a wide smile on her face. Definitely her mother’s daughter. What the hell are these kids doing ?
“Crosby! Let him go right now!” Shelby rushes over to the little boys and pulls them apart, while I go check on Rosie.
“Mommy! It’s not my fault, I promise. Denny said Rosie and her hair was ugly and he was going to cut it off. That…that isn’t nice. He made her cry, so I’m going to make him cry.” Good lord. My nephew apparently has decided he is the protector of this little group.
I squat down in front of the little girl, the little girl that belongs to my high school crush. Her bright red hair is in pigtails, with the ends curling. Her dad has more auburn colored hair, with a slight wave. I envisioned running my fingers through those waves on numerous occasions. “Hi, Rosie. My name is Lennon, I am Crosby and Saylors’ aunt. Do you want to go swing with me?” She looks up at me, her green eyes puffy from crying. She waits a minute before nodding her head and taking my hand. Her little hand trembles in mine, breaking my heart for the little girl.
I leave Shelby and take Rosie out to the swing set. She has stopped crying now, but I want her to open up to me first. I was the kid that needed to take a minute to organize her thoughts, so I know the importance of giving someone, no matter their age, time to think.
“Denny…he made fun of me. Said I was ugly! My daddy says I’m beautiful. Daddy lied to me!” And she is crying again. I should have asked Shelby for some coffee. Rosie is beautiful, and I hate that someone has already told her that she isn’t. Five is too young to be developing self-esteem issues.
“Oh, sweet Rosie. Your daddy didn’t lie to you. You are very beautiful, and so is your hair. You want to know a secret?” Her little head nods up and down and she looks at me like I have all the world’s secrets. I wish, kid. “Some people will say things to hurt another person. Not because what they are saying is true, but because they are hurting inside. So, it’s good to remember no matter how pretty you are on the outside, you should never take your anger out on someone just to make yourself feel better.”
That little speech is probably too much for her age, but it’s never too early to teach kids these things. For a little girl to know that no matter what the mirror shows does not equal her worth or if she is a good person. I assume that she accepts my answer when she grants me with a crooked smile and asks me to push her to the clouds.
I push her on the swings until Shelby waves us in for dinner. We walk hand in hand, and I get her situated at the table. I sit between Rosie and Denny to hopefully diffuse another fight. After everyone has food on their plates, between bites, Rosie tells me her whole life story. From her aunt, her pop pop and his dog Red, and trying to convince her daddy to get a puppy. I don’t know how Hayes tells this girl no because if she asked me for a puppy right now, I would go find her one.
This is what I’ve been missing. Home. Family. Heck, a dinner I didn’t have to cook. Who would have guessed that sitting next to a five-year-old and sharing dinner would begin to heal me? I stiffen in my chair when I hear the garage door open. That sound means that my brother is home, and he isn’t going to be as patient as his wife. They both want my story, and he is going to bulldoze until he gets it. He means well, but unless you are his wife or kids, he is not the most patient. I also used to be on that list, but since I’ve been home, I have not seen that side of him.
“Did she come down today? I swear, I’m going to go up there and drag her down!” He enters the dining room and stops short when he realizes that I have in fact left my bubble. Great, he isn’t alone. Hayes comes up behind Cash, setting his hand on his shoulder. I quickly look away from him, his whole body radiates something. This is probably the best-case scenario. Hayes has always been able to bring my brother back down to earth when he gets worked up.
“Hey, Cash. Don’t get all worked up.” I wink in his direction, trying to lighten the mood. “I am eating dinner with my favorite people. Hearing all about this puppy Rosie wants.” I stare at Hayes as I say the last part. Every kid deserves a puppy. Crosby and Saylor need a puppy as well. I have my work cut out for me.
“Don’t get all worked up! Did you hear that, Hayes? Lennon here thinks I shouldn’t get all worked up!” He cracks open a beer, and I can feel myself start to sweat. He has never been violent when he drank, but Connor wasn’t either in the beginning. I know my brother would never hurt me like that, but at this point it’s engrained into my brain. Thankfully, the kids are done eating so they get up to play while Cash and Hayes sit down, and Shelby sets their plates down. I am starting to sweat, my nerves picking up with the mood my brother is in.
“I swear to God, Lennon, if you don’t tell me what the hell happened to you!” Cash slams his fist down on the table, knocking over a glass and triggering a memory I wish I could forget.
This is the first time Connor has had co-workers over for dinner. I’ve been strongly advised that I better not mess anything up. He made sure to pick my outfit to hide the new bruises covering my body. Oh, he apologized the next day with a dozen roses and new diamond earrings. Like that makes up for the abuse. And roses are such a scapegoat flower. Don’t know what to pick, choose a rose.
I load up the plates with the lamb chops, mashed potatoes, and green beans and start serving the guests. When I set the plate down in front of one of the men, he lets his fingers graze on the back of my thigh, making me jump. In my shock that this stranger is touching me, I knock over his glass of water. To make matters worse, when I hurry and try to clean up the mess, I knock over another glass. This time a rocks glass filled with expensive bourbon.
Connor acts like the doting boyfriend, helps me clean up the mess, laughing, having a good time. But I can tell when he looks at me that I am going to pay for that accident.
And I did.
“Lennon. Lennon, come back to us. You are okay. No one here is going to hurt you. Come on, Lennon. Tell me what my Ro Ro said about getting a puppy. She has been asking for a while, but I’m so busy, I don’t think it would be fair to a dog.”
Hayes. I’m not back in the condo from hell. I’m in Pine Creek at my childhood home. Where I just freaked out over a spilled drink. Just great. I look into his deep green eyes, wanting to get lost in the green with flecks of gold. I find concern looking back at me. I spent years wanting this man to see me, and now that he is, I’m ashamed at what he is finding.
Closing my eyes, I take a deep breath before opening them again. “I’m okay now, thank you. Umm…Cash. I will tell you everything, I just can’t yet. I’m sorry for coming here and stressing you and your family out. I think I’m going to go lay down. Thank you for dinner, Shelby.”
I don’t wait for anyone to respond, and quickly make my exit and hurry through the garage to get to the safety of the apartment. I can’t even make it through one meal without freaking out. When is my mind going to realize that I am safe? How am I going to get to me again?
I don’t think the real me exists anymore.
After locking the door to the apartment, I change back into pajamas and grab the laptop I borrowed from Shelby and one of my notebooks. I have always been a big reader, and then started journaling in high school. After I lost my parents, it was a good way to get all of my emotions out. I would sit out back near where the woods start, and just write. Cash would find me out there on a blanket, tears soaking what I just wrote, and walk me back inside.
When I feel my eyes getting heavy, I realize that I have been writing for four straight hours, not stopping once. I save my work and get up to plug in the laptop. I don’t know if this will turn into anything, but I am finding it cathartic. After washing my face and brushing my teeth, I climb back into bed and grab the book I borrowed from Shelby. Nothing like a steamy romance novel to take my mind off of my shitty love life. My best friend and I are opposite in many ways, but we have always gravitated towards the same books. I should probably give my eyes a break, but getting lost in a world that is not mine, is the perfect way to fall asleep.