Chapter Twenty-Four
Walker
Walker ran. His arms pumped, his chest heaved, and still he couldn’t get the images out of his head. His boots echoed on the pavement as he pounded towards home. The streets were deserted, the houses were dark.
He eased through his own front door and took the stairs two at a time, glad that it was silent and still inside. He couldn’t face small talk with Alex and Amber. When he saw that Alex’s door was closed, Walker breathed a sigh of relief and slipped into his own room.
A wave of anxiety overtook him. The fear from his nightmare still lay there, dark and slick like oil at the bottom of his belly. But it was morphing into something else, into desperation that he’d never escape from his past.
He threw himself onto his bed and slammed the mattress with his fists. Why had he fallen asleep? How the hell could he have let that happen? It had been such a good day, and he’d thought he’d be having a night of fun with Gabi. He never should have closed his eyes.
The images rose again in his mind’s eye like an old black and white movie.
He saw the plume of his breath in the winter air.
He heard his own voice calling out, and felt the burn of his fingertips against the ice.
He shook his head violently, rubbing at his own face with his hands.
If he could claw those memories out, he would.
But he could never forget. And he could never forgive himself.
His phone rang. Gabi’s name on the screen. He pressed red. How could he talk to her again after that? She must think he was a real coward. Scared of a dream. And then overreacting to the point of running away. He punched the wall, hard, and the sharp pain in his knuckles felt almost good.
His phone rang again. Gabi. He stared at the handset, wanting it to stop.
He let it go to voicemail but it rang immediately again.
There was nothing for it. He should just apologise and get it over with.
Then at least he’d have done the right thing.
Even if she didn’t want to ever see him again. Why would she? He accepted her call.
‘Walker?’ Her voice was low, urgent. ‘Are you okay?’
He opened his mouth to reply but, to his horror, nothing came out apart from a strangled type of sob.
‘Oh, Walker.’ Gabi’s voice dropped even lower, and he pressed the phone against his head and closed his eyes. The darkness engulfed him and all he wanted was to fall into it, with no dreams, no images, no ghosts.
‘I want you to listen to me,’ Gabi said. He swallowed and nodded, wordlessly, holding the phone like a lifeline.
‘Trust me, Walker, because I know what you need right now, and I want you to do exactly what I say.’ He recognised her choice of words. They came from a time when he was in control, not the pathetic mess of a man he’d turned into. If she wanted a strong man, then she’d come to the wrong place.
‘Are you still wearing your boots, Walker?’ Gabi asked softly and he cleared his throat and managed to say yes.
‘Take them off now.’
He did as she instructed. Pushing them off by the heels, he let them drop with a clunk to the bedroom floor.
‘Now, get into bed.’ Gabi’s voice was caring but firm. He obeyed. He slipped between the covers, still in his jeans and T-shirt, and pulled the duvet up to his neck. Despite his clothes, his bed was cold, and he shivered.
‘You need to rest,’ Gabi was saying. ‘So, get comfortable. Turn on your side, on your right. Curl your legs up.’ She waited a moment, and he did as he was told, wondering how she’d remembered his favourite position to sleep.
‘There. Now put the phone on the pillow,’ she said, and he felt a rush of heat as tears gathered behind his eyes.
He didn’t want her to go. He wished she was right beside him, someone whole and warm and solid to hold on to.
The nightmare had devastated him. Waking up in a strange bed had made it worse, none of his own familiar things around him to ground him in the present.
The run through dark streets had made him feel haunted, chased by memories on every corner. Now he just felt alone.
Like she could read his mind, Gabi said, ‘I’m right here. I’m not going anywhere.’ He could imagine her lying on her bed too, the light of her lamp making her look candlelit, soft, beautiful.
‘My phone is on my pillow too,’ she said. ‘It’s going to be there all night.’
She was staying. Something inside him softened, even as his chest ached. Walker felt his body begin to relax, muscle by muscle, one vertebra after the other, until he sank into his mattress.
‘You’re not on your own. There’s nothing to worry about.
’ Gabi’s voice was quieter now. ‘And if you want me, just say my name.’ The same name he’d called earlier when he came.
He sighed and felt his fingers relax on the sheet; he hadn’t even realised how tightly he’d been gripping them. He yawned, loudly.
‘Good,’ whispered Gabi. ‘Now, you’re going to go to sleep. You’re going to dream good dreams and you’re going to wake up tomorrow feeling better.’
Walker closed his eyes.
‘Just listen to my breathing.’ Gabi’s voice was close, as if she lay beside him.
He reached for the phone and moved it closer to his face on the pillow. The sound of her breathing was all he could hear. In. Out. Soft. Slow. He focused on the sound, the rhythm, and let it take him away.