Chapter 16
Bee
My feelings for Owen were full-blown. He was so smart and handsome and kind and safe and protective, and so many feelings rushed through me as he knelt in front of me that I couldn’t find the words. I felt restless and anxious. We were here safe and it felt like a clock started ticking. I wanted to kiss him again now that the extremely real threat of death was gone. I didn’t want this precious time together to end.
I looked in the small round mirror above the table to study his work.
“Whoa. Owen …” I turned side to side, examining. “I look quite pret-tay,” I said in my best Keira Knightly impression, wondering if he understood the Love, Actually reference.
Owen cleared his throat. He did that a lot in lieu of speaking whatever first popped into his head. What that must be like—thinking before speaking.
“It suits you,” he said.
“I know. I look so chic.” I turned to him. “You are a man of many hidden talents, Mr. Campbell.”
He made another uncomfortable sound.
I looked back at myself one more time and didn’t even recognize the woman looking back. In a good way. A rush of confidence surged through me. The chin-length bob matured me in a way I didn’t even realize I was so desperate for. The natural free-spiritedness that represented me was still there in the rough cut and the disheveled waves. More than that, I felt powerful and sexy. That feeling of optimism that could only come with a major life change straightened my shoulders and lifted my chin. Like Mary Poppins, my reflection gave me a saucy wink.
NYNB was back on track.
I spun in a circle, examining the Hookup Hut, with its big lumpy bed and cozy cottage soft core vibes, I couldn’t help but feel a wave of … something. Almost like a sentimentality for this moment, even though I was still in it. It made the tightening in my chest worsen.
Time was running out.
Owen’s large arms and gentle hands stole my focus. His massive frame moved with a grace born of confidence that was irresistible. The way he continued to protect me, and his surprisingly deep well of sensitivity and thoughtfulness infiltrated my brain. My palms longed to run over his muscles and learn his body. I wanted to feel his weight until I almost couldn’t breathe. I wanted Owen to be so close to me, in me, that my existence relied on his physical touch.
I wanted to lick that man like the Pop-Tarts filling.
The fire blazed in the stove now, and with the vents wide open, the small space was already warm. Owen built me a fire like nobody’s business. Another stamp in his Irresistible Man Passport. His kiss had been wonderful, but he held himself back. I never understood that. What was he holding back for? What was he waiting for? There would never be another night like this. Another opportunity so perfect for us to come together. Maybe he just needed a little push. Owen was a catch, but how did one go about seducing a catch like him? Maybe another treat to set the mood? But not everybody was complex carb motivated.
“So … what to do, what to do?” I strolled back and forth in front of the bed, gently brushing my fingertips along the quilt, sashaying my hips with emphasis as I bit my lip and fluttered my eyelashes at him. The loud fabric of my snowsuit ruined the effect, but I pretended not to notice. Maybe there were condoms hidden up in this joint I could discreetly toss at him.
Owen stood back from me, hands loosely clasped, color high on his cheeks. He looked like he was running security for a concert. Maybe this was his natural state of being. His thighs tested the seams of his jeans, and his biceps, traps, and all those fancy arm muscles were on full display now under a dark flannel. His eye tracked my every movement, but his features remained hard and unreadable.
“Phew, that fire sure warmed it up in here quickly.” I brought my hands to the zipper. “I should take off some layers,” I said in a deep, sultry voice.
It must be that my feminine wiles were too much for him. At this rate, he might be seconds from dropping to his knees and crawling toward me.
“What’s wrong with you?” he said with a head tilt of confusion.
Or not.
“Ugh.” I flung my hands out to the side.
Stupid men. Stupid snowsuits. Stupid forced proximity that should guarantee a hookup, but alas …
“Bee, are you trying to—Are you okay?” he asked cautiously.
“No. It’s a million degrees in this thing. I want to take it off.” This wasn’t a seduction attempt anymore. This was me roasting alive in these ancient clothes from the humiliation of being rejected in a situation that should have been a guaranteed slam dunk … home run … whatever. I never did get sports metaphors.
I tugged at the zipper on the snowsuit in earnest. The fabric was a sensory nightmare as my skin grew damp, and the highly flammable poly-whatever-blend clung to me.
“This frickin’ zipper—” With each movement, I tugged at the zipper, but a piece of fabric had gotten stuck in the teeth, and I couldn’t even see what I was doing because it was so big my face disappeared into it every time I looked down. My muffled voice held a whine. “Is … stuck.”
I pulled my arms in to try to get out another way, but all that did was turn me into a giant sausage. With my head stuck in a prison of my own making, I could only hear Owen’s soft chuckles.
“You look like one of those inflatable things at car lots.”
“It’s not funny,” I said, still muffled.
“It’s a little funny. You’ll think so later.”
“Ugh.” I flailed one last time but had only succeeded in getting myself hotter. And accidentally smacking him.
“Ow,” he said.
“Help me.” I sniffled. So much for my debut seduction.
“Oh, Bee,” he said closer now. “I’ve got you.” He’d said the same thing when he scooped me up and carried me through a horrifying snowstorm.
I believed him. I felt so safe with him. I stopped my struggle when the floor creaked with his arrival to stand in front of me. I slowed my breathing, my stifling breath filling the hot space.
My body was pulled to and fro as he tugged. The beautiful sound of a zipper releasing … and then, ah, sweet, fresh, cool air and light. I took a deep breath in and smiled up at him. He didn’t smile back. He looked at me with pupils blown out in his light eyes. He used his two capable hands to push the sweaty strands off my face. My smile relaxed, and I licked my lips; he tracked the movement.
“Thank you,” I whispered.
“You’re your own worst enemy sometimes,” he said softly.
“You have no idea.”
Only a few inches were separating us; his chest rose and fell though nothing compared to my own. I was aware of every molecule of air brushing against my skin. The air held enough electricity to power this whole city. So maybe not a seduction fail?
Without breaking eye contact, I pushed the suit down all the way off my body.
Owen swallowed audibly. The hallows of his cheeks deepened as the muscles of his jaw flexed.
His eyes never moved an inch from holding on to my own. I stepped back so that he could take in the whole view without needing to move them.
“Bee,” he sighed my name, frustrated. I lifted one foot out and then the other.
When I reached up for the strings of my bikini, his hand shot out to stop me.
“Wait,” he said.
My arms dropped to my sides. His own hands went to the buttons of his flannel.
“Now we’re talking,” I said.
He huffed, trying so hard not to smile. The tendons in his hands popped as his fingers worked with confident dexterity. His fingers were so thick and long, yet they took such care with their actions. Soon, his white undershirt revealed hard planes of muscles that I had only felt but never got to touch or see. His clean, masculine scent made my mouth water as he closed the distance between us again, shrugging out of the flannel. My heart was pumping blood so hard that I felt a little tremor with every beat. The heat. This moment. The way he looked at me, directly at me, with such soft fondness.
It meant so much to me. I was having a hard time slowing the growing realization in my chest. This wasn’t just about the hookup, and I wasn’t ready to examine that just yet.
This was how it could be. This was how people felt when they were really seen.
He looped his shirt over my shoulders. “Here. You can wear this for now.”
Break squealing sounds screamed through my head.
“What?” I asked, softly. Stunned.
This was not where I thought we were going, not with that look in his eyes. Not with that earlier kiss in the tram. I knew he was too good to be true.
It didn’t take long for my anger to burn away the embarrassment. It was a sinking sensation in my stomach, the utter humiliation of straight-up rejection.
“Bee,” he growled my name this time.
“Seriously?” I asked. Fuse lit, rage burning bright, I went off. “Am I in a different room right now? Don’t tell me that I’m imagining things with those looks you’re giving me.”
“That’s not what I’m saying.” He stepped back, hands up, and eyes looking anywhere else but my body on full display once again.
“What is it, huh? Seduce me to get me onto the tram? I knew nobody would be interested in me. I knew that you were just doing your job.” I paced in a circle, grabbing my sides with my arms wrapped tight around my middle. Humiliation churned through me as I let my temper flare. It felt safer.
“Whoa, wait.” He held up his hands. “Seduce you? I had to physically carry you?—”
“I know I’m weird, okay? I know that despite not fitting in anywhere, I’m still totally invisible to anybody. I was somehow sheltered too much and left alone to my devices. I don’t act like a normal woman, but I thought—” I flailed my arm to gesture to the bed.
“You’re not weird?—”
“I knew that I was developing a crush, only to be disappointed.” I wasn’t familiar with this feeling ripping through my chest. It hurt. It was like all the years of my life had caught up and it was all too much.
“Bee, why are you so angry? I’m being a gentleman,” he said, teeth grinding.
“Why?” I asked. “Why don’t you—shouldn’t you want to—” My eyes were welling with hot tears when I glanced to the bed again.
He stepped closer. “My job is to bring you down the mountain to Benny Jr. What sort of person would I be if I-I crossed any lines?”
“Like when we kissed on the tram?”
“That was—” He scrubbed at his short hair. “I didn’t mean to send mixed signals.”
I huffed. “Too late. And I already told you that I’m not going to Benny Jr. That isn’t happening. I’m going back up there, and you and your stupid Greek god body can’t do anything to stop me. I’m going to that mountain, I’m completing my plan. And this town will not forget who I am, even if you do.”
I stared to the side, I couldn’t look at him. A single tear rolled down my cheek, and I hated that I looked pitiful when I was really angry.
“It’s not like that,” he said.
“I’m ignoring you.” I went to the bed and sat with a harrumph, arms crossed. Feeling unbelievably childish but having no idea how to handle more rejection. This hurt far worse than the town’s had.
I felt the bed shift as he sat down next to me, but I refused to look at him. I refused to be pitied. That panicked ache in my chest worsened like it was filling with a big wet paper towel that made a full breath impossible.
I thought Owen might have been a person who would want to be around me. I thought that I had found somebody who saw me when they looked at me …
I shook my head; nails dug into my palms.
“Bee, please look at me. Let yourself hear what I’m saying.”
But I didn’t want to listen. It felt like it would cost something to turn and meet his eyes, and I’d already lost so much. I’d already played the foolish, naive woman all night. The price was too high to meet his gaze now, it would hurt too bad.
“Really look at me.” He lifted my quivering chin, until our eyes were lined up, or at least I thought. I squeezed my eyes tighter, my heart racing. Why did this feel so scary? “Open your eyes.” He chuckled with endearing frustration.
I couldn’t help myself. I wanted to look at him; I wanted another moment of falling into his gaze, even if this was going to end and it was futile. Even if it hurt, even if the cost was the fragments of whatever remaining pride I never seemed to be good at collecting.
I wanted to look at him. I wanted to see and be seen, and I couldn’t help myself.
I opened my eyes and met his gaze. He smiled softly, and I felt the final shred of dignity burn under his hot gaze.
Oh well. I would never be known for my decorum anyway.
My shoulders slumped, and I let him hold the weight of my head with his finger as I studied his blue eyes, strong jaw, and nose with a tiny little scar at the top, and his full bottom lip and thin top one.
“You keep talking about being overlooked,” he said, waking me from my memorization. “But nothing about you and this night has been forgettable, Bee. You’re the most interesting person I have ever met. These last few hours have changed me ir-irrecoverably,” he said softly and carefully.
All my injustice and hurt evaporated like the superficial thing it always had been. Looking at the raw honesty pouring from him, it became clear that of the two of us, despite my bold claims to the opposite, only one of us here was truthful tonight.
I understood now that any attempt to seduce him was the growing understanding that this night would end, and I would lose a chance at closeness to him.
The desperation to hold him was only to be held for a little while longer.
But now it didn’t feel so important, this felt important. This breathing of each other’s air, this learning of how to talk to each other. Maybe that mattered more than any physical connections ever would.
“Trust me, I’m not forgetting about this night or you anytime soon.” His hand moved from supporting me to wrapping around my neck, his thumb brushing along my jawline to send tremors throughout me. “But what sort of person would I be if I took advantage of this situation? How would you feel about yourself later? How would I feel about myself later?”
I let his words sink in and truly listened to him like I wanted to be heard.
And I understood then. Owen was a good man trying to do the right thing in a bonkers situation. A situation I had caused.
More than that, he was somebody I wanted in my life for more than a night, longer than the objective of a bored, rich man. I wasn’t ready for this night to end. Every hour that ticked by meant going back to a life I never felt a part of. I would never be okay without him now, and that realization terrified me. It made me lash out in a ridiculous manner.
I had been lying to myself. I’d been watching and studying how “normal” humans operated from a dusty shelf on the edge of rooms my whole life. And I didn’t want that anymore. Hadn’t that been what NYNB was truly about? Changing how the world saw me?
I had to come clean about this night and what it meant if I wanted to change.
“It’s not just about the statue, Owen,” I started slowly, wrapping myself farther into his flannel.
“I’m listening,” he said, and the relief was tangible in my neck and shoulders.
“I can’t explain to you how it feels to be overlooked and forgotten time and time again. It changes a person’s psyche. It makes me feel like I have no value. Tonight, I was meant to take the reins of my life back. I’d heard everybody talking about their big plans for the new year and I started thinking that I wanted that too. I thought getting that story published would help the statue, but it would also help me. And now, after these hours with you, I understand something else.”
He held my hands, and I took a deep breaking breath in.
“I don’t want this night to end and go back to normal,” I started hesitantly, voice wobbling on its way out. “I think that if, in the future, your eyes move over me without stopping or seeing me like everybody else in this town, I-I think that I might just shatter into a million pieces,” I said, my entire heart and soul on display for him to see.
And all I could hope was that he continued to handle me as gently as he had been.