Chapter Nine
Nic
A week passes before we can find a time to make our next attempt, and it takes me almost as long to get over the hangover
and embarrassment from the Fourth of July. Ugh. Why do I make bad choices? And yet, it’s not like I’ve never made out with
a friend before—several times at parties with Willow, once with Grace when she “just wanted to see,” once with Skylar that
was almost as painful as it was amazing, and even once with Ian in sophomore year, which we both found hilarious. It’s never
been a big deal. Why does it feel weird this time?
I run my finger over a cluster of tiny white flowers filling the gaps between a rainbow of enormous blossoms, the feature
arrangement in the flower shop’s front window. This little Skylar-related errand will be the first time Kira and I have seen
each other since the kiss—kisses. Plural. Because it went on for a while . It wasn’t until one of the drag queens marched through the crowd to dance with our group, belting out some Dolly Parton
at the top of her lungs, that we finally broke apart. Dolly always deserves full attention. And then there was some late-night
greasy breakfast. Then we all ended up at Marco’s place somehow... It got a little hazy.
Kira seems to be reacting okay, if her texts are anything to go by. She hasn’t brought it up, at least, which I appreciate.
I am the actual worst at awkward conversations. I stumble over my words, can’t make eye contact, repeat myself, a real glorious
sight to behold. The kisses weren’t bad or anything—on the contrary, they were pretty fucking great—but it’s not fair to her
for me to be pulling that shit when I’m over here in love with Skylar and pursuing her in the only way I can. Kira is so smart,
dedicated, selfless, kind, and funny in her own dry, quiet way. She deserves someone who is one hundred percent devoted to
her. Maybe if Skylar leaves...
But no. I’ve tried this. Dating other people has never worked, not in the nine years I’ve known Skylar. Kira and I would go
the same route as every other girlfriend I’ve had. We’d date for a few months. I’d watch us get more and more distant until
she’d finally say something like, “I just feel like we aren’t connecting.” Then it would be over. But this time, what would
it do to the group? Especially because I have yet to master the skill of being friends with an ex.
It doesn’t matter. Skylar is my home, my family, and it doesn’t help anything for me to get distracted. Besides, in Kira,
I have the makings of a really good friend. I should focus on not fucking that up. Plus, I don’t want Skylar to get the impression
that I’m into someone else. If she thinks Kira and I are a thing, then that gives her even less reason to stay. I texted her
on July 5 to apologize for the night before, but the exchange was brief and cryptic.
Nic: Hey, I just wanted to say I’m sorry for being such a mess last night
Nic: I didn’t mean to get so sloppy and almost spill your secrets
Nic: And the thing with Kira.
Nic: That wasn’t anything, you know. We’re not together and I’m not interested in her that way. I was just sad and I tried to
kiss her on the cheek and things went awry which sounds like total bullshit but I promise it’s not
Nic: Okay?
Skylar: Oh, my sweet Nic Knack, you’re adorable
Skylar: I’m gonna be busy the next few days but there is a dress fitting appointment in our near future and it’ll be EXCITING
Skylar: Bye for a bit!
Nic: What do you have going on the next few days?
She left me on Read. I hate it when she gets all mysterious and disappears. I think really hard about texting Mama Clark for
intel, but the bell over the door tinkles and Kira rushes in, tucking her keys into her bag.
“I’m so sorry I’m late,” she says, looking harried. “One of the guys tried to convince me I had switched my schedule with
someone else and that I was late reporting for work. Like I don’t know my own schedule. But now I’m gonna be a mess until
I go in, because part of my brain will be wondering if he was right instead of just a douchebag.”
We hug briefly in greeting, and the scent that always clings to her fills my nose, sweet and light. What did she say it was?
LUSH Plum Rain and ambition? Gotta say, ambition smells divine on her, even if it’s stressing her out right now. I hope she
hears back about that promotion soon.
“Don’t worry about it. I’m sure he was just being awful,” I say, pulling back to scan for signs of awkwardness. Kira meets
my eyes easily, though, a pretty smile lighting her face and tugging at my cautious heart. Not awkward at all, then, I guess.
Good. Right?
I clear my throat and look away. “So, have you been by Skylar’s apartment this week?”
“No, she keeps finding excuses to meet me other places because she’s ‘packing and her place is a mess,’” Kira says, scowling.
“It’s killing me. Also, I didn’t realize her lease was up so soon or I wouldn’t have bothered with plants at all.”
I shake my fist at the sky. “I keep picturing her sitting on her couch in the morning, sipping her tea, surrounded by withered
plant corpses. Is that morbid?”
“Same. I must know .”
An employee (Everett, according to his name tag) slides into our conversation with the effortless ease of a smooth salesman,
smelling not of ambition, but of beard oil and weed.
“I heard ‘withered plant corpses’ and got concerned, so I figured I’d offer some assistance,” he says with a charming smile.
“What kind of flowers are you looking for today?”
Kira and I look at each other blankly. I haven’t been in a flower shop since I last bought flowers for my mom’s headstone
ten years ago, a memory my brain flinches away from. Apparently, Kira doesn’t know where to start, either. We managed to overlook
that little detail when we were texting about this plan earlier in the week. It went like this:
Kira: Okay, I know we’ve already done something plant related but hear me out, this is a totally different approach
Kira: FLOWERS FROM A SECRET ADMIRER
Kira:
Kira: RIGHT??
Nic: She doesn’t like it when people ask her out, though. It’ll be an instant no for her. No intrigue at all.
Right? RIGHT? I got my hopes up ever so briefly that Skylar had changed in my absence, that my problems could potentially
be solved by marching up to Skylar and just asking . Kira killed it pretty quick, though.
Kira: Totally true, she says no every time. EVERY TIME, I don’t understand it.
Kira: BUT she DOES like being admired
Kira: A secret admirer and the resulting social media hype when she inevitably shares the flowers online might convince her that
she’ll miss out on all the adoration when she leaves.
Which, yes, okay, she was right. Skylar has a bit of a vain streak. It has the potential to be the perfect ploy. But now we’re
here, staring at bearded guy and a collection of flowers I couldn’t name with a gun to my head.
“Uh, Kira,” I say. “Tell the guy what kind of flowers we’re looking for.”
“Pretty ones?” she says.
The guy snorts, and all three of us break down laughing.
“Okay, since you’re obviously hopeless, how about I help you out,” he says, waving us deeper into the shop. “What do you need
them for? You two need wedding flowers?”
My cheeks go hot, and I can’t help but glance at Kira, who’s looking back at me with her bottom lip between her teeth. There’s the awkwardness we’ve managed to avoid thus far.
“No, uh, it’s a bit...” How do I even describe to this guy what we’re trying to accomplish without him booting us out onto
the street because a) we’re horrible human beings and b) it turns out he’s some kind of secret Skylar superfan? It’s happened
before. Her people are everywhere .
“It’s hard to explain,” Kira says, picking up where I trailed off. “But we need them for a... secret admirer kind of situation.
For a woman. To be sent with a note.”
She cringes, because it sounds so horribly cheesy when you say it out loud. The guy raises an eyebrow, though, and smirks
in such a mischievous way, it’s mildly concerning.
“So, I have some options. You could go pretty traditional, red roses, blah blah, but I feel like you’re looking for something
more...”
“Loud,” Kira says.
“Yes,” I agree. “She’s got a... big personality.”
Everett grins. “That I can work with. Price point?”
We actually did talk about this beforehand. My new job has left me with more spending money than I’ve ever had in my broke student life,
which is still not much, but it’s something . And Kira lives a pretty lean lifestyle with good pay and benefits, so we decided we could splurge a bit. Still, it pains
me deep in my soul to tell the guy, “Seventy-five dollars is our limit.”
“Perfect.” He whirls away with a hand to his mouth, then points to an arrangement on the far wall. “This one. What do you
think? I can customize it, if you need.”
He snatches the vase from the shelf and sets it on a low table for us to admire. It’s a dramatic half-moon spray of roses,
but they’re not like any roses I’ve ever seen. They must be dyed or something, because each rose is a whole rainbow swirl
of color. They’re packed in with stems of tiny white flowers, and the whole effect is just... way over the top.
“They’re perfect,” Kira says.
I nod my agreement. “What the hell are they?”
“We call them rainbow roses,” Everett says, already moving toward the register. “We dye them here in house. They’re very popular
during Pride, but we carry some year-round.”
“I feel like it’s shouting at me. It’s the caps lock of flower arrangements,” I say, daring to run a finger over the soft
petals, then inspecting my fingertip for leaked dye.
Kira bumps her hip into mine. “That’s what makes it so on point, right? Are we agreed?”
“Oh, absolutely.”
“But we have to write the card now.”
“I got this,” I say, and plop myself down in the chair next to the service desk to compose the note. Writing a secret admirer
note to Skylar should come laughably easy to me, right? I stare at the blank card for a long moment, then look up with wide
eyes.
“Wait, you aren’t going to send this exact card in my handwriting, are you?”
Everett’s smile fades a bit. “I mean, yeah. Unless you’d rather we send a printed one, which—”
“Yes,” I say over the cool relief flooding my chest. “Yes, that. Do that, please.”
“Well, just write extra neatly so we don’t make a horrible typo that’ll send your potential girlfriend screaming.” He hands
me a pen like he’s presenting me with a solemn responsibility. “You seem to be taking the secret part of this secret admirer thing very seriously.”
Buddy, you have no idea.
I tap the pen against my cheek for a minute and think. What would intrigue Skylar? Make her so curious that she’d consider
not leaving?
And if she somehow discovers that it’s from me, what will make her want me?
I compose it in my head first, then put pen to paper.
Skylar ,
I know secret admirer notes are a few decades out of fashion, but they seem like your kind of thing, so here I am. Here I
always am, for you.
Who knows you the best?
Who’s always there when you’re hurting?
Who puts your happiness first?
Who could make you feel so good, if given the chance?
I’m here if you want me.
Right here.
Just say the word.
Always with love,
Your secret admirer
When I finish, I hand it to Kira with my eyes averted. Hopefully she doesn’t see through me.
“Yes, that’s perfect!” Kira says, reading over what I’ve written. “It’s the ideal secret admirer note. A little mysterious,
a little sexy but not creepily so, a little sweet, and a little... What’s the word? Longing, maybe?”
Welp, I’d like to melt into the floor right now. It’s the perfect secret admirer note because it’s coming from a secret admirer . Those words aren’t fiction concocted to convince Skylar it might be worth staying. They’re my honest words. My feelings.
I wonder how obvious it would be if I suddenly knocked my coffee over on this notecard, then played it off like, Oh no, I forgot what I wrote! You do it. The shop owner plucks it from my hands before I can make the move, though, and begins typing into the computer.
“I could see you about to chicken out, so consider this me saving you from yourself,” he says, clicking away happily. “Where
would you like these sent and when?”
“First thing Monday morning?” I ask, daring to look at Kira.
She nods. “Yeah. To the station?”
“Yes.” I spell out Skylar’s first name and the address of the radio station where she does her call-in advice show, which
Everett dutifully types into his computer. If he recognizes Skylar’s name, he doesn’t betray it, just takes our credit cards
and splits the payment. When he presents us each with a receipt, his impish smirk returns.
“I wish you the best of luck with your secret love,” he says. “If it works out, you’ll have to come back and tell me.”
“I will,” I say, because if I do end up with Skylar, I’ll wanna tell the whole damn world. Why not start with Beard Oil Everett?
Once we step outside, the gray overcast day instills in me an instant and insistent need for coffee. Kira and I stand in the
parking lot, where our cars sit side by side, and... yeah, now it’s gotten a little awkward.
“Do you wanna get coffee?” I blurt out to fill the strained silence. “There’s a place on the next block that’s really good.
We can plan our next move, in case this one doesn’t pan out.”
Kira glances over at Toyonda Civry, keys clutched in her hand, looking torn. “Ugh, I really want to, but I need to get a nap
in before I have to be on for twenty-four hours. If I don’t sleep, I’ll be cranky as hell and useless to the crew.”
Disappointment tugs in my chest, but I could never blame her. That schedule must be rough, and her job is so demanding. I
picture her in full bunker gear, facing down a raging fire with an axe in her hands, her expression serious and fierce. I
mean, not to overromanticize what is a seriously difficult and dangerous job, but... there is an undeniable appeal to the
image.
Yeah, it’s probably for the best we don’t do the coffee thing. That sounded more date-ish than I intended, anyway, and that’s
not fair to her. Especially not with a vision of her stripping out of her gear now firmly in my mind.
Skylar. Remember Skylar . She’s the point of all this.
“How does that even work?” I ask, steering more into friend territory. “Are you allowed to sleep on shift?”
Kira laughs. “Yes, and we do, but it’s almost worse trying to sleep than it is to stay awake some nights. If it’s a busy night,
the alarm is constantly jolting you awake as soon as your eyes shut. I try to catch twenty-minute power naps on busier nights,
like Fridays, weekends, and holidays. Other nights, I occasionally get some real sleep, but not much.”
“So, basically, I should stop texting you before noon on your days off,” I say with a wince. “Sorry about that.”
Her answering smile is sweet, and she bumps her hand against mine. “Hey, it’s fine. You’re officially part of my life once
you learn and embrace this essential fact about my existence.”
I like the sound of that. Even through all this drama and chaos, I’ve gained a friend. A really good one, too. I hope, no
matter what happens with Skylar, we’re able to keep this up.
“Good to know,” I say, then do that awkward sway thing that always happens when you aren’t sure if you should go in for a
hug or not. Kira takes things out of my hands, though, and steps up to wrap her arms around me.
“Enjoy your coffee, okay? Hope your night is chill,” she says, then turns to walk away.
“Yours too,” I say ten seconds too late as Kira’s car door slams shut.
On Monday morning, a beautifully lit and filtered photo of the flower arrangement graces the top of my Instagram feed. Below
it, the caption is short and sweet:
@DoctorSky—Look at these flowers I received from a *secret admirer*! Sorry ladies, it’s a super sweet thought, but I’m officially
off the market. Details to come! #SkylarsSecret
Skylar’s fans are going nuts in the comments. People tagging each other, asking if they sent the flowers, people begging to know what #SkylarsSecret is
and posting their own reaction videos using the hashtag. Seriously, Skylar is one of the few people who can make up a ridiculous
self-referencing hashtag and have people start using it instantly. Influencers probably deal with this kind of thing all the
time, but with Skylar specifically being known as a radio and social media relationship counselor, the hype is extra high
for this. Seattle’s Queen of Romance getting flowers from a secret admirer? And saying she’s off the market?
We were so close this time. She did share them, and the hype is real, but her quick dismissal of her “secret admirer” takes the wind
right out of me. Did she realize it was me? If she had, would she have been so casual and public about shooting me down?
No, she would have called. Or talked to me in person. She has no idea.
It probably hasn’t even occurred to her that I’m an option.
My heart sinks, and I hit the share icon to forward the post to Kira.
Nic: ... damn it.
Nic: Back to the drawing board. Again.
The messages show up as read right away.
Kira: Hey, we’ll get there.
Kira: It’s a cumulative effect.
Kira: Something about a frog in a pot of boiling water
Kira: Which I always thought was a cruel metaphor
Nic: That’s actually a myth! The critical thermal maximum for many frog species is an increase of around 2 degrees F
Nic: They’ll get agitated and jump right out long before they actually boil to death
Nic: Omg sorry
Nic: Not the point.
God, why am I that person ? No one likes that person. Quick, move past it! Skylar is still off doing whatever she does when she disappears, and there
are no group plans, so...
Nic: Come over tonight? We can get pizza and watch some more Bold Type or something
Nic: Maybe an episode will inspire a genius idea that will solve all our problems
Kira: I’ll be there. All I’m doing right now is looking for some new recipes. I’m on dinner duty tomorrow at the firehouse.
Nic: What are you gonna make? Cooking for a whole firehouse of people sounds hard
Nic: Also, have you ever gotten interrupted and had to leave something in the middle of cooking?
Kira: Oh, all the time. Just gotta remember to turn off the burner before you run for your gear
Kira: A lot of it is finding recipes that scale well. Chili is easy, but I only ever make it on a busy night when we’ll be out
of the firehouse a lot
Kira: You can’t even imagine what it smells like in there afterward. And I don’t mean the chili.
I snort and slap a hand over my mouth to keep from busting out laughing. But hey, I’m alone in this apartment, so what am
I holding back for? I laugh so hard the lit candle next to my breakfast plate nearly goes out.
Nic: Thanks for the laugh. I needed that.
Nic: Looking forward to tonight
I’m about to head out the door for work when her final reply comes.
Kira: Can’t wait.