Chapter Fourteen
Nic
I don’t realize I’m staring after Kira like a space cadet until Skylar’s snicker pulls me out of it. I flush and shove a chunk
of pie crust into my mouth to cover my reaction.
“Come on, you,” Skylar says, grabbing the pie out of my hands. “I’ll drive you to Grace and Kira’s place. We can come back
for your car tomorrow. I assume you aren’t going to work tomorrow?”
Oh god, work. I’m gonna have to thrift a whole new wardrobe just to have something to wear, unless they let us back in soon.
I better not have to pay rent next week, or I’ll be pissed. And broke.
“Yeah, I feel like ‘my apartment building almost burned down and I’m currently homeless’ is a pretty good excuse. Though,
considering my field, I think ‘Are you okay?’ is probably going to be the last question I get.”
I went into a strange sort of dissociative state while we all stood across the street watching the fire burn. My mind was
automatically observing it like one of the fires in my lab, noting burn rates and estimating temperatures and making guesses
about material components and accelerants each time we saw a flare-up or minor explosion. In a way, I’m grateful—my horrified
fascination kept me from thinking about the conversation with Skylar and the evening’s double heartbreak.
Now, as I climb into Skylar’s car and shut out the noise of the scene, it all comes rushing back. Kira and I slept together
last night. We got caught in our scheme. Skylar is unquestionably leaving. And she didn’t want me anyway.
And maybe... I never really wanted her either.
That one is still hard to accept. I’ve know I’ve been attracted to her... but there’s a world of difference between being
sexually attracted to someone and being romantically attracted to them. The world is filled with people who experience one,
the other, neither, or both.
And, as I’m learning, it’s painfully easy to confuse deep friendship for romantic feelings when you’ve had shitty role models
and relationships your entire life. Trauma response , Skylar said as we stared at the flames eating through my apartment building. Understandable. Normal.
She made it sound so logical. But now I can’t even trust my own feelings, and no amount of logic can fix that.
“Hey,” Skylar says, poking me in the leg to get my attention. I look up, and some amount of what I’m thinking must show on
my face, because Skylar’s eyes soften. “You’re going to be okay, you know. I’m sure it feels like the puzzle pieces of who
you are have just been jumbled up, but you still fit together. I’m going to recommend you a great therapist, and this is all
going to work out for the better in the end. Trust me?”
I huff a helpless laugh.
“I always trust you,” I say. Trusting myself is the real problem.
Skylar waggles her phone at me. “I called Grace while you were zoned out. She’s so on board with you staying there that it
makes me a bit worried for you? Like, when Grace is this hyped, something chaotic is brewing. But you have a place to sleep,
so... yay?”
Did Kira tell Grace what happened between us? No, there’s no way she had time. Unless she texted her after she got to work
this morning. But would she? Should I text Kira and find out, so I know what I’m walking into?
I thunk my head back against the headrest and squeeze my eyes shut. Brain crispy. Too many feels. Too much happening.
“Hey, I see you spiraling,” Skylar says as her electric Mini Cooper starts up in near silence. It’s an adorable little thing
in a gorgeous shade of ironic “Island Blue,” but...
“You must be selling this thing before you go,” I say, quickly changing the subject before Skylar can pry any more secrets
out of me. “You love this car.”
“I do,” Skylar says with a sigh. “But she can’t come to Fiji with me, so she’ll need a new loving owner. She’s not the most
practical car for me while I’m living with my mom either. It’s far enough I have to stop for a charge. I thought about selling
her early, but...”
“But?” I prompt, curious. Skylar normally forges right ahead once she has an idea.
Skylar taps her fingers against the steering wheel and hums. “I was hoping Kira might be in a place to finally let go of the
Toyonda Civry. I’d offer her this car for whatever she could afford, and she could even just make payments to me. But since
she got turned down for that promotion again, she’ll probably be clinging to that car tighter than ever. I can wait until
the end of the summer, but I do have to get rid of it before I leave.”
Something in her words breaks through the last threads of dignity I’ve been clinging to. Before I leave. She’s leaving, and here I am without a home, life in shambles, can’t trust my own brain, with a grant-funded job that could
disappear at the end of the academic year and half-formed ideas of running off for grad school again.I let my head flop to
the side so I can stare out the window and watch the headlights of other cars whiz past us while I utter the most pathetic
sentence of my life.
“Can I please come with you? To Fiji?” I whisper. “Not in a romantic way or anything. I’d be a great research assistant. I
can help tend the farm and rental.”
I squeeze my eyes shut against the wave of shame that swells up within me. What am I doing ? What am I saying ? How pathetic can I get? I’m just... lost. I don’t know what I want.
Skylar pulls into Grace and Kira’s apartment complex and parks in front of their building, then shuts off the car and turns
to face me.
“Nic, I’m going to say something hard. I know this has been a whole night of very hard things, but this one might be the hardest.”
She reaches out and takes my hand. “You can not just drift through life from port to port, looking for something to anchor you down and give you meaning, and structure.
Cutting your terrible father off was the right thing to do. That particular anchor would have eventually drowned you. But
then...”
She squeezes my hand.
“Then you latched onto me. I became your new anchor. And that’s great! I love you, and I’m so glad that we share a family now. But Nic... you’ve gotta take some time and figure out what you want out of life on your own terms. You need to be your own anchor.”
For the thousandth time tonight, I sniffle and dash my tears away. But I nod along with her words. They ring true. She’s completely
right that I feel helplessly adrift, with or without her. Even when I was in grad school, away from her for two years with a master’s degree to focus on, I felt rudderless.
Like at any moment I might just float right off the ground and drift away.
I need to be my own anchor.
Skylar gets out of the car, so I follow suit a moment later, letting her wrap me in a hug and rock me until I feel almost
normal again. As I watch the taillights of the Mini Coop disappear back onto the main road, I feel... almost okay. Lighter,
in a way.
The air is clear. This awful secret I’ve been carrying is out. Now Skylar and I can just be best friends without all the weirdness
hanging between us. We can enjoy the time Skylar has left in the country. Maybe, eventually, I’ll even be able to call her
“sister” like Mama Clark is always wanting. It already sounds more right than the idea of “girlfriend” or “wife” ever did.
And in the meantime, I’ll be sleeping on Kira’s couch. It will be totally fine and not weird at all.
I’m sure Grace’s evil supervillain cackle when I walk in the front door means nothing.