Chapter Twenty-Five
Nic
Four months later
Kira could afford to be a U-Haul bi on her firefighter salary, but I’m more of a Budget truck lesbian, myself. Or at least
I would be, if I had any interest in driving a giant truck cross-country. I’m leaving that one to Kira, who actually has experience
driving something bigger than my little Mazda3.
It’s Sunday morning, and I’m in the parking lot of our apartment building, trying to shove a few final things into the mini
moving truck we rented while Kira scrubs the baseboards of our apartment in an effort to get our security deposit back. Our apartment because, to save money for our new place in Maryland, Kira moved out of Grace’s apartment and into mine at the
beginning of October. It happened to coincide with Grace mysteriously saying, out of the blue, that she could afford the place
on her own and needed “some alone time right now anyway.”
It was also a bit of a trial run for us. We didn’t think it was smart to move across the country together without test driving
what it actually felt like to live together in a more permanent way, not just me crashing while my apartment got fixed. It
went mostly well, though there was an adjustment period. After all, Kira is the neatly tabbed binder, and I’m the newspaper no one could
ever figure out how to refold that’s also maybe missing a few pages. She’s got the logistics of life down , and I... well, speaking generously , I get out the door most days with my keys, shoes, and head. But we found our balance. She’s an excellent cook, and I am
excellent at ordering takeout. I’m good with money—all those years of high-level math and statistics classes—and stay on top
of our bills and budget. She’s good at making sure we don’t run out of toilet paper and edible food. And hey, I’m becoming
a not-so-bad baker. I can give her a steady supply of mediocre pies for as long as she wants them.
I can admit that I’m having some mixed feelings about leaving Seattle again so soon after returning. The two years I was at
grad school the first time around, all I could think about was getting back home to Seattle. To my friends and chosen family.
I could never shake the feeling that it was all temporary, and I never put any effort into making it a home. But this time,
it’ll be different. I’m going for a PhD, which will take anywhere from four to six years—let’s be real, probably six.
And this time, I’ll have Kira with me.
I’m going to miss my family and the friends who are still here, but Kira and I will be back for holidays all the time. We’ll
stay in touch. And we’ll build a whole new life together, too.
It feels unreal, standing on the precipice of this huge step forward. I can hardly believe I made it here. It’s thrilling in a strange way, this whole “knowing what you want and really going for it” thing. When I arrived back home seven or eight
months ago, I was a wreck. I was so out of touch with my own feelings, I had no idea what I wanted, and I felt sorry for myself
all the time. Intolerable, really. I don’t know how Kira fell in love with me. But damn, she did, and I couldn’t be more grateful.
And hey, that therapist Skylar recommended has done me wonders over the past four months—and will continue to via telehealth,
thankfully. Everyone should go to therapy at least once in their life. It’s amazing how much bullshit we manage to convince
ourselves of.
Our friends are dropping by to see us off this morning, one last big group hug before we hit the road. Ian arrives first,
parking on the street just in front of our apartment building and trudging toward me like a zombie lumberjack. His eyes have
dark circles under them, and his body language screams exhaustion.
“Ian, my dude, I mean this in the most loving way possible,” I say, wrapping him in a hug. “You look like shit. Did you sleep?”
He gives a half-hearted chuckle.
“No, I definitely did not.”
“Ah, I’m sorry, friend,” I say, patting his arm consolingly. “Can you go back home and sleep more after this?”
He shakes his head.
“Nah, I’m heading out to brunch with Mar—uh, my... roommate.”
He grimaces at his slip, and a puzzle piece drops neatly into place in my brain. Click .
“Oh my god,” I sputter, the truth dawning on me. “ You’re Marco’s brunch guy!”
“What? No! I’m not! I... uh...”
To my complete and utter surprise, a glint of tears appears in his near-panicked eyes. Oh shit .
“Hey, hey, it’s okay, I’m sorry,” I say in a soft tone, going into damage control mode. I don’t want to jump to conclusions,
but we’re in really delicate territory here. “I didn’t mean to push, or... out you, or whatever. If that’s what this is.
You don’t have to tell me anything if you don’t want to.”
Ian’s shoulders slump in defeat, and he rubs a hand over his eyes.
“No, it’s okay, I... Skylar’s the only one I’ve ever talked to about this, and even then only because she guessed. And
since she’s been gone... I haven’t really had anyone to talk to. It’s hard to get her on the phone with the time difference.”
He sounds so lost . My heart aches for him.
“And now I know, and I’m leaving, too. Oh, my sweet friend.” I grab his giant mountain man arm and squeeze it tight. “At least
we’ll only have a three-hour time difference, not nineteen. We talked all the time when I was in Maryland last time. I’ll
do my best to be here for you.”
Be here for him for... what , exactly, he hasn’t said yet, but I’m getting the general idea.
But Ian, being the big, soft, brave teddy bear of a man he is, works himself up to it all on his own.
“I’ve been having brunch with Marco every other week for like eight months. And it’s the best part of my week. And I...
think I’ve developed feelings for him.”
“But you’ve always said you embrace the ‘confused straight guy’ label—oh.”
“Yeah. Emphasis on ‘confused.’”
“But...” I trail off. Ian has always been one of our group’s Token Straights?, and my brain is having a hard time shifting
him to a new category. “No ‘ but ,’ obviously. I love you forever, and my brain will catch up in like, thirty seconds, promise. Wow.”
“Hey, I don’t blame you. My brain still hasn’t caught up,” Ian says, looking down at his feet. “There was one time before, in college, at a party before I met you
all. But it was so random and, well, short , if you know what I mean.”
His cheeks redden, and he hurries on.
“I never thought of it afterward. Even being around you all constantly and knowing what I know, I still never really thought
it meant anything. I figured I was just, you know... a modern, evolved dude who could admit a guy was good-looking without
it threatening my masculinity or whatever. And for lots of guys, I’m sure that’s true, but...”
“But not for you,” I say, so gently. His bottom lip wobbles for a second. Then he takes a big, deep breath and blows it out slowly.
“Not for me, I think,” he says. “I started hanging out with Marco one-on-one a few weeks before you came back to Seattle,
and I hadn’t thought about that one time in college in ages. But being with Marco made me remember it. Then think about it again. And again. And I realized...
you know, if you have to keep asking yourself the same question, maybe there’s something to it.”
I grab his hand and squeeze so tight because I understand that completely . My heart aches for him.
“Friend, we’re here for you no matter what. Have you talked to Marco about it?”
Ian shakes his head. “No. I think he really does see our brunch days as just two bros enjoying delicious food that isn’t served
any other time of the week. You know how Marco moves. If he wants something, he goes for it. He’s not shy about it.”
“Well, yeah, but that’s for rando guys. You’re his friend, and you’ve been his friend since college. That’s a big risk.”
“Believe me, I know,” Ian says, his eyes serious.
“Yeah, I guess you do, huh?”
I give him a small smile and pull him in for a hug. He really is in this deep.
“Now I wish we weren’t leaving just yet, so we’d be here for you while you go through this,” I say, rocking us back and forth
in the hug. “You should really talk to Kira, though. Since she’s bi, she might have some different insight for you on processing
this stuff. Not to slap a label on you or anything, just that she’s been through a similar... awakening?”
I give him one last squeeze, then hold him at arm’s length.
“I wish you all the good things in the world, my love. I hope this works out for you.”
Ian shrugs, expression miserable, obviously already resigned to his fate.
“I wouldn’t count on it, but I appreciate the thought,” he says, squeezing my hands. I stand up on tiptoe to press a kiss
to his bearded cheek.
“Love you, Lumberjack. Take care of yourself.”
“You too,” he replies. “Or more like, don’t drive Kira nuts as she attempts to prevent you from sleeping in your lab and starving
yourself.”
I bark a laugh, shooting a glance over at Kira, who has since come downstairs and is trying to force the door of the car closed
after adding one box too many. Hopefully I’ll still be able to see out the back window once we get on the road.
“How right you are. Not gonna lie—this week has been hellish,” I say. “Moving is always stressful, and even the shiniest of
couples are ready to bite each other’s head off by moving day. I have a feeling things are about to turn around, though.”
Willow pops up next to me, glancing over their shoulder like they’re expecting to be spotted. “Nic, you gotta lose that super
obvious scheming face or she’ll catch on.”
“Catch on to what?” Ian says immediately, and I slap a hand over his mouth with more force than I intended.
“Shush your face!” I hiss. “You’ll spoil the surprise. Stick around and you’ll see. When did you even get here, Will?”
They shrug. “A minute ago. I parked around the corner.”
Grace and Marco pull up right next to us and climb out of the car, no shits given for the Permit Required sign. Eh, they’ll
only be here for a few minutes anyway.
“I can’t believe you’re leaving this early,” Grace moans, not for the first time. She’s wearing pajama pants with little hamburgers
on them, slippers, and a hoodie from a K-pop band she’s not yet exposed me to. On a spiritual level, she’s clearly still in
bed.Marco pats her on the head lovingly.
“I’ll drop you right back home after this. Don’t worry, your dearest love in the world will still be waiting for you.”
“Fuck yeah, I do love that bed,” Grace says with a solemn nod. “If this were a podcast, I’d be giving you a referral code for ten percent
off that bed right now. That’s how much I stand behind it.”
My phone chimes the ringtone for an incoming video call, and with a smile, I pull it out of my pocket and answer. The last
member of our group has arrived.
“Hey Sky! We’re—”
“HAPPY MOVING DAAAAY!” Skylar shouts over the phone, steamrolling my greeting. We all bust out laughing, crowding around the
phone so everyone can get in the camera shot.
“How’s your research going?” I ask, and she makes a face.
“Fabulous, obviously, but we’re not here to talk about me . We’re here to see you and Kira off as you drive into the sunset together!”
Everyone makes an obnoxious chorus of “awwww,” and I roll my eyes. Kira throws an arm around me and leans in toward the phone.
“You are way too chipper for whatever the hell o’clock in the morning it is for you. I’m gonna need you to tone it down several notches.”
“It is 4:30 a.m. of tomorrow for you all. I’m a time traveler! You’re worth it, my loves,” Skylar says with an excited clap.
I silently agree with Kira. Too. Early. For. That. Yet another reason Skylar and I could never have worked out. There’s no
way I could wake up to that every morning. I’d much rather have Kira’s hair in my mouth as she starfishes over me until noon. I smile to myself at the
memory of having to literally pull her out of bed this morning at 7:30 a.m. She and Grace made good roommates for a reason.
Without a shift at the fire department to shape her schedule for the past week, she’s reverted to her natural night owl ways.
We have to get on the road ASAP, though; the drive to Maryland is going to take us six days, and we’ve got a reservation at
a hotel this evening along the route. At least the route looks clear of snowstorms... for now. I tilt the camera back toward
me and raise my eyebrows at Skylar.
“I’d thank you for getting up early to see us off,” I say, “but I’m sure you get up at four every day for sunrise yoga on
the beach and homemade chia seed goat milk yogurt parfaits or something.”
“Um, it was a coconut milk and taro blend, thanks,” she replies with a flip of her hair. Everyone laughs.
Okay, fine, that actually sounds delicious.
“Anyway,” Skylar says. “I actually don’t have long. We’re heading toTaveuni for a week to meet with some of the indigenous
communities there, so I have a boat to catch! I just wanted to make sure I got to see your faces and wish you well, my lovelies.
Please keep us updated on your drive!”
“We will. You be safe too, Sky,” Kira says.
“Stay away from the edges of the boat!” Marco adds, to which Skylar sticks out her tongue.
“Okay, I love you all, byeee!” she says, blowing us all a kiss before the call ends. I put away my phone and turn to my friends,
my bright “talking to Skylar” smile fading into something more wobbly. Grace spots my impending tears and launches herself
at me with her signature rib-cracking hug.
“Don’t you dare make me cry right before I have to sneak off and make chaos,” she whispers in my ear. I hug her back and plant
a giant smacking kiss on the side of her head.
“Thanks again for your help with that,” I say. “Gonna miss your very unique brand of piranha energy.”
“Damn right you will,” she says, then raises her voice for the others to hear. “And if anyone fucks with you or Kira at your
new jobs, I’ll fly to Maryland and eat them.”
“Thanks, I guess?” Kira says, taking over the Grace hug so Marco can throw his arms around me.
“I’ll do better this time, I promise,” he says, squeezing me tight. “I know I sucked last time, but I’m almost done with my
NP degree. I’m gonna start existing more.”
His eyes slide briefly to Ian, then snap back to me, almost guilty-looking.
“I really hope so,” I reply, nuzzling my head against his. “I missed you. Talk soon, okay?”
“You got it,” he says, his smile small but sincere as he pulls away. I actually believe him.
Ian slides in for one last hug, not saying anything this time, just holding me close.
“I’m here for you,” I whisper, then kiss him on the cheek. He nods, turning to Kira as Willow dives in, squeezing the life
out of me.
“Proud of you, Nic,” they say. “You’ve come a long way.”
I plant a giant smacking kiss on the side of their head and back up to arm’s length.
“My only disappointment is that I’m leaving before I got to solve your mystery.”
“My mystery?” they reply, all wide, innocent eyes. I level them with a frank stare.
“Yes, your mystery . Whatever you’ve been disappearing to do.”
They shrug, totally nonchalant. “I go on a lot of hikes. You know this.”
“I do. And I know that you’ve been disappearing way more often, for way longer, and seem to have no cell signal or internet for days
at a time. Besides, I know you, Will. I can tell you’re hiding something. But I also know that you’ll tell us when you’re ready.” I lean in for one
last hug, then squeeze their hand. “Just be careful, and ask for help when you need it, okay?”
“That’s rich, coming from you,” Will says, but their small smile takes any sting out of it. “I will. Safe travels, friend.”
With all the hugs given and final goodbyes said, Grace herds everyone out of the way, over toward Marco’s car, as I follow
Kira to the moving truck.
“Please be super careful on the road with this giant thing,” I say.
“I’ve driven a fire truck in a snowstorm in emergency circumstances. I’m pretty sure I can handle the smallest moving truck
on the market,” Kira says. She hauls herself up into the cab of the truck, then gasps. I grin, hopping up onto the step by
the driver’s side of the door to watch her reaction.
A ring dangles from the rearview mirror of the truck, tied there with a shiny purple ribbon. Candles line the passenger side
dashboard and seat, lit by my partner-in-chaos, Grace. She can be super sneaky when she’s on a mission, and she had no problem
slinking away while we were all chatting with Skylar. The ring glints in the combination of morning sunlight and flickering
candlelight, the purple amethysts accented with white sapphires and beautifully detailed metalwork in white gold.
“What do you think?” I ask, reaching over Kira to tap the ring so it swings gently back and forth. “Will you marry me, Kira?”
It’s a formality, I know that—but my heart races all the same, the muscles in my arms shaking with nervous tension as I hold
on to the truck. We’ve already decided to come back to Seattle sometime next year to get married. Kira’s a romantic, though,
and secretly quite proper about some things. I worked hard to find this ring, and eventually found a seller on Etsy who creates
handcrafted rings with ethically sourced or lab-grown gems for a reasonable price, like I knew Kira would want. When I told
her our story, the seller even offered to customize the ring for free with little curling flame patterns in the metalwork.
It’s perfect, in my opinion. I just hope Kira agrees.
Kira turns to me with wet eyes, her lips pressed together in that way she does when she’s trying not to straight-up bawl her
face off.
“How in the hell did you manage this without me noticing?” she asks with a laughing sob, her mouth stretching into a wide
smile.
I take her hand and bring it to my lips, pressing a lingering kiss to her soft skin.
“Grace is an evil genius, and I can be sneaky when properly motivated. And you are the best motivation of all.”
She launches herself at me. I have to grab the door of the truck to avoid being knocked down by the force of her kiss. She
seizes me around the waist to keep me from falling, and I cradle her face in my hands, taking kiss after kiss from her sweet,
soft mouth. When she finally pulls back, her eyes are wet and shining.
“I don’t want to look away from you, but I also really want to look at this ring, and I’m so conflicted.”
With a laugh, I reach past her to pull the ring down. I untie the ribbon and drape it over her head. She bats it away, giving
me the chance to grab her other hand and slip the ring onto her fourth finger, breathing a silent sigh of relief when it fits.
It took a lot of sleuthing on Grace’s part to get her ring size, and a small part of me was still afraid it would be wrong.
The ring glows beautifully on her finger, though, bright and colorful and perfectly hers.
“So, uh, not to rush you or anything...” I say, drawing the hand with the ring to my mouth for a kiss, and Kira lets out
a startled “oh!”
“Yes, obviously!” she says, gripping my hands and yanking me in for another deep kiss. “Also, these candles are a total fire
hazard and need to be put out immediately.”
“Yes!” I say, leaping down to sprint to the passenger side and open the door. “I didn’t actually intend for these to be burning
for so long, but you kept me in suspense forever , so—”
“Oh, stop. I was basking in the romance of the moment and admiring my gorgeous new ring. Should I have rushed right through?
Quick and efficient proposal and acceptance? Record the results, write the lab report—”
“Oh, shush , you,” I say, then blow out a bunch of the candles with dramatic effort. It feels weirdly like my birthday, in more ways
than one. My gorgeous, brave, brilliant girlfriend is now myfiancée, we’re moving across the country to start a whole new
era of our lives together, I’m pursuing the research that I love, and life has never been better.
I gather all the candles into the box I’d left in the passenger seat of my car for this specific reason while our friends
descend on Kira to coo over the ring, which most of them have already seen pictures of anyway. Once I’m done, I’m absorbed
into the group and passed around for a repeat of the whole hug queue again.
Finally, when the excitement dies down, we settle into one giant group hug, falling completely silent. It’s like we’re in
a bubble of frozen space-time, existing just for the six of us, with Skylar here in spirit. It feels like an echo of Skylar’s
goodbye party, the feeling of this being the last time we’re all together. Maybe Grace will move next, or Willow will meet
someone, or Marco’s new nurse practitioner qualifications will pull him somewhere else. Our lives are taking us in new directions.
But for the first time, I’m not afraid of it. I’m not fighting it. It’s a good thing. Nothing can last forever—and nothing should . That’s how you get stuck, and that’s an experience neither Kira nor I would ever recommend. I’ll always be grateful for
the time we’ve had as a group—and most importantly, I can accept now that we don’t have to keep living in each other’s pocket
to be important to one another.
We can walk our own paths, secure in the knowledge that we can always come home.
I walk Kira back to the moving truck, placing a kiss just below her new ring as we go.
“I can’t believe I have to ride in a vehicle separated from you all day , just staring at this ring,” she says, affronted. “Did you design this proposal with torture in mind?”
“I didn’t, but now that you mention it, it is an entertaining side effect,” I say with a wicked grin. I lean in and nip her ear. “By the time we get to the hotel, you’ll
be dying to get in my pants.”
“Oh, you are evil ,” Kira says, burying a hand in my hair to pull me in for a deep, slow kiss that sets my blood on fire. I’m half a second
from pushing her up against the side of the moving truck when Marco’s voice calls out.
“Okay, now you’re just dragging this out. Get lost!”
We break off, laughing, and I swat Kira on the ass as she climbs into the cab of the truck. Once I’m settled in my car, the
cheap two-way radio we bought for the trip beeps.
“Ready to go, love?” Kira asks over the radio.
I take one last look out the window at our gathered friends and smile.
“Yeah. I’m ready.”
I’d follow this woman into the fire any day.
* * * * *