Chapter 12 #3
“My Essex is a special boy. He doesn’t open up to everyone, which is why I know you’re special. Life has made him a little hard around the edges, but once you pull back those layers, you get the best version of him.”
I smiled as she talked about my man. Since making things official, I had been on cloud nine.
He swore nothing had changed, and he was right for the most part, except that I was sleeping in his bed every night.
The sex was out of this world, and we had been fucking like rabbits.
Our relationship was much deeper than sex, though.
The way he loved me made me feel seen and cherished.
It took a while for me to adjust to it, but now I had teetered into obsession.
I would sit up and watch him sleep in the morning, thanking God for sending me my own personal angel.
“Now, tell me why your face was so long when you walked in here. And don’t try to bullshit me because your red eyes told on you.”
I opened my mouth and then closed it again.
Granny and East both possessed this weird gift where they could read others’ energy in the room.
Even if I tried to mask my sadness with a smile, they could always see right through my facade.
East drove me crazy because he wouldn’t let it go until I revealed all of my deepest and darkest secrets.
“I went to see my brother today,” I replied lowly. My emotions were already trying to resurface. No one would ever understand the level of guilt and pain I hid in my heart. It didn’t matter how well my life was going; it would never erase the heaviness from my past.
“How is he doing? Essex told me he would be getting out soon.”
“He’s trying his best to hold it together. Of course, he puts on a strong act for me, but I know he’s tired of being in there. He lost so much of his youth because of me.” My lip quivered as my tears won the battle I had been fighting internally.
“Oh, honey. Is that what you believe?”
“It’s true. He’ll never say it, but it’s all my fault.
If I hadn’t called him that day, he would be free right now, and our lives wouldn’t have been turned upside down.
I don’t even know how he can stand to look at me sometimes.
My momma turned her back on me, so I wouldn’t have been shocked if he did too. ”
Granny got up from her recliner and walked over to me with a box of Kleenex in her hand.
I expected her to reclaim her seat, but instead she sat next to me and pulled me into her arms. My momma wasn’t affectionate, so hugs were foreign to me outside of Keynauri and the fellas.
I hadn’t realized how much I needed the embrace of a motherly figure.
She held me while I sobbed into her chest. I heard her humming softly as she rocked me in her arms. Keynauri swore he didn’t hold what happened against me, but I did. Years had passed, and I still woke up in cold sweats from the never-ending nightmare that played in my head.
“Let me ask you something, sweetheart.” Granny held my face in her hands.
“If someone hurt Symphonee the way Tone hurt you, what would you do?”
The thought alone enraged me. I vowed to protect my daughter with my life, so she would never experience any of the pain I endured.
“I would kill them.”
“And would you blame her if you had to serve time?”
“Absolutely not. Protecting her is second nature to me. I would serve life in prison if it meant keeping her safe,” I answered honestly.
“Then you’ve got to know that your brother feels the same way.
When you truly love someone, there are no boundaries for how far you’re willing to go to protect them.
I know you feel guilty, but there is no reason for it.
Since I met the two of you, when you were knee high to a grasshopper, he has looked after you.
I witnessed all three of those boys jump on kids for picking on you.
“My former pastor preached a message years ago about carrying crosses that don’t belong to us.
Sometimes we allow guilt, shame, and misplaced obligations to cause us to hold onto things that should have been buried long ago.
Your brother doesn’t hold what happened to him against you.
The problem is that you don’t believe you’re worth protecting, and that simply isn’t true.
“I can tell you right now, if anything were to ever happen to you or that little girl in there, my grandson is gonna up the blickery. That’s called love, baby.
Your brother chose to protect the person he loved, and you have made good on his sacrifice.
We’re all proud of you. Not only are you doing well in life, but you’re also a good momma too.
It’s time for you to make peace with your past and let that guilt go. ”
I received everything she said. Keynauri assured me often that he had no regrets, but she was right. I had a hard time accepting that I was worth all of the trouble it caused. It was something I needed to deal with in order to move forward in life.
Granny and I talked for a little longer, and I was grateful for our time together. My baby and I were blessed to have people in our lives who truly loved and cared for us, and I would never take it for granted.