Ava #2
“Fair enough, but I want you to really think about the concept of intentions. What were his toward you when he got involved with you? Did he go into your relationship knowing there was a possibility that he might have to leave you in this state of purgatory for years? Did he know that was possible, and did he do it anyway?”
I don’t know the answers to those questions, so I don’t respond.
“What about his friends and family? What do they say about where he disappeared to?”
“I… I never met any of them. We kept to ourselves. We liked it that way.”
“You both liked it that way, or he did?”
“We both did. We had everything we needed in each other.”
“So not only did he keep from you that he might have to leave you indefinitely, but he kept you isolated so you wouldn’t have a support system in place if what he knew might happen actually did. Is that correct?”
“It wasn’t like that.” I dab at my eyes, which are aching. It’s been years since I’ve broken down the way I have in the last two days.
“What was it like, then?”
“We were happy. I was happy.”
“You were also young and na?ve and far away from your home and your family. That made you the perfect girlfriend for a man who maybe wasn’t supposed to have a significant other.”
“This isn’t helping me. I didn’t come here to dismantle the character of the man I love.”
“Why did you come?”
“Because! I’m tired of being stuck. I want to move on with my life, but I don’t know how.”
“I’m trying to show you how, Ava. You’ve got to let him go, really let him go, or you’ll never be anything other than stuck.
What he asked of you is more than any man has a right to ask of any woman, no matter how much you loved him or he loved you.
It was unfair of him to allow you to fall in love with him.
If you can find a way to accept that, I think you might be able to get unstuck. ”
I take another tissue from the box on the table and wipe away more tears. “Did you have other children?”
“Three.”
“Did it help?”
“It really did. No one can take Liam’s place, but his little brothers and sister have filled our hearts and our home with love and light and laughter. They give me a reason to get up in the morning, and we all need that.”
I’m happy for her that she has other children, and her use of the word our gives me hope that she managed to hang on to her marriage.
“Let’s talk some more about Eric.”
“What about him?”
“You said you like him and he’s been very good to you?”
Nodding, I say, “From the start.”
“And you feel guilty that you’re attracted to him?”
“Yes.”
“Why?”
I stare at her. “Do I honestly have to spell that out for you?”
“I guess you do, because frankly, I don’t understand what in the world you have to feel guilty about.”
“I feel guilty,” I say through gritted teeth, “because I’m still in love with John.”
“Who left you five years ago and hasn’t been in touch with you since, correct?”
“Not because he doesn’t want to be. He could be dead for all I know!”
“Yes, he could be. Let’s look at the various scenarios, shall we?
A. He’s dead and took no steps whatsoever to ensure you’d be notified of his death.
B. He’s choosing to remain out of touch with you for reasons only he knows.
C. He’s somewhere in the world where he can’t get in touch with you.
D. He’s part of an operation where contact with the outside world could sacrifice the mission he signed on for long before he met you. Have I missed anything?”
“No,” I mutter, infuriated with her—and with him.
“Ava.”
I glance at her and see only care and compassion in the way she’s looking at me.
“If you had told a friend or family member about this years ago, they would’ve said the same things I’m saying now. Anyone who cares about you would be furious about what he’s put you through.”
I wipe away tears that keep on coming even as I wonder how there can still be more.
“Do you want to see Eric again?”
I nod.
“Then you should. You should do whatever it takes to be happy and feel better. If he makes you happy, run with it. You owe John nothing more than the five years of grief you’ve already given him.
He didn’t marry you or ask you to marry him or ask you to wait for him or anything that binds you to him in a way that would require you to feel guilty about moving on with someone else. Do you hear me on that, Ava?”
“Yes,” I whisper.
After a long pause, she says, “How do you feel?”
“Devastated.” It’s the first word that comes to mind.
“That might actually be a good thing.”
“How is that a good thing?”
“You’re devastated because I’m forcing you to face the truth of what John did to you and continues to do to you all these years later. I’m telling you it’s time to let him go and move on with someone who is right here, right now and obviously interested in you.”
“Do I tell him about John?”
“Do you want to?”
“I feel like I should because he told me about what happened with his ex, but I wouldn’t want him to tell his brother, who’s married to my sister. I don’t want to bring my family in on this.”
“From what you’ve said about him, he seems like an upstanding kind of guy. Ask for his discretion beforehand. If you tell him it’s important he not share what you’re going to tell him with his brother and get his assurances that he won’t, then it should be fine.”
“Should be…”
“What’s the worst thing that could happen if your sister and parents find out?”
“They’d be all over me, hovering and worrying and…” I shudder at the thought of it.
“And that’d last a couple of days, a week at most, and then they’d move on when they see that’s what you’re doing.
” She leans in. “If you want Eric to know about John, tell him, Ava. Just tell him and be done with it. And remember, as big a deal as this has been for you, it won’t be as big a deal for him or anyone else.
Everyone has their own crap to deal with. ”
Over her shoulder, I see the clock edging toward eleven. I can’t believe I’ve been here almost two hours. Time flies when your soul is being flayed open and examined.
“If you’re still speaking to me after today, I’d be happy to set up another appointment. We made great progress, but it takes time and a lot of work to really move forward.”
I didn’t like a lot of what she said to me, but I can’t deny that she made valid points. “Another appointment would be good.”
“Excellent.”
Because I’m starting my new job this week, we make an appointment for this coming Thursday at seven p.m. Then I stand on legs that feel rubbery and extend my hand to her.
“I want to hug you,” she says. “Is that okay?”
“Sure.”
She comes around the table and embraces me. “I admire your strength, your loyalty, your courage and your fortitude,” she says. “You have more than earned the right to be happy by yourself, with Eric or with someone else if he’s not the one for you.”
Her kind words bring more tears to eyes that feel gritty and tortured. “Some of this was hard to hear, but I appreciate your time and your perspective.”
She hands me a business card. “My cell number is on there. I’m here for you any time you need me.”
“Thank you so much.”
“I’m rooting for you, Ava.”
I leave her with a small smile and head for the door.
I go downstairs and out into the warm summer day, taking deep breaths of the fresh air.
I can’t imagine how red and puffy my face must be.
I retrieve sunglasses from my purse and put them on, hoping to hide some of the carnage.
The deli that smelled so good to me on the way in makes me queasy now, so I walk past it to the corner and hail a cab.
After I’m in the car, my phone buzzes with a text from Skylar. Got called into work—grrrrr. Just checking to see how it went with Jess.
She was great—and very, very blunt.
LOL! That’s my girl. She says it like it is.
Yes, she does. She said a lot of things I needed to hear. Still processing it all. Sorry you got called into work.
Just for a few hours. I’ll see you later.
Thank you again for everything. I can’t tell you what it means to me…
Any time. xo