Ava
John is alive. John is alive and hasn’t contacted me.
In the three weeks since I found out he’s alive, those thoughts have plagued my unproductive days and sleepless nights.
I’m grief-stricken, the same way I would’ve been if I’d been told he died that night in Al Khad’s compound.
The man I spent six years mourning doesn’t care enough about me in return to have the decency to let me know he’s alive.
Along with my grief, I’m filled with rage and bitterness over the years I devoted to him, years I’ll never get back.
His name and that of the other two men shown in the video were released, along with their ages and hometowns, but no other information about them was made public.
John, who is thirty-seven now, listed his hometown as San Diego.
While the world goes mad trying to figure out who he is, I hate him with a ferocity that frightens me. I’ve never hated anyone or anything the way I hate him.
I’m at work, counting the hours until my badly needed appointment with Jessica, who’s been away with her family on an extended trip to Europe.
Since I found out John is alive, we FaceTimed once, but the session was interrupted several times by her children, who needed her.
I need her badly, and I can’t wait for two uninterrupted hours with her after work.
Carlos appears at my desk holding a skinny latte that he presents with a flourish and I accept with a grateful smile. He knows something’s up with me, but he doesn’t know what. Other than Miles, he’s my best friend at work, but I’ve never told him about John.
“You look like hell.”
“Gee, thanks.” Though I’ve gone to great lengths to keep my grief to myself, I’m not surprised that people are noticing the toll it’s taking on me.
Throwing myself into work and wedding planning has helped. I’ve made it clear to those who know that I don’t want to talk about John or the raid or the video anymore. I’ve had enough. Thankfully, those closest to me respect my wishes and haven’t brought it up.
But they know I’m suffering, especially Eric, who watches me like a hawk when he thinks I’m not looking.
He’s worried, and I hate that. I hate John for doing that to the man who has been my rock since the day I met him and who doesn’t deserve to live in the shadow of someone who never cared about me the way I cared about him.
That’s been the hardest thing of all to accept.
I find myself once again reliving every minute I spent with John, picking apart things he said and did, looking for signs that he was using me or passing time with me.
The memories are beginning to get fuzzy around the edges.
I suppose that’s bound to happen after nearly six years apart, and while part of me wants to forget, the forgetting only adds to the grief.
“I hope you know I’m here for you if you need a friend,” Carlos says, his brows knitted with unusual concern. Carlos doesn’t do serious, so the look is nearly comical on him.
“I appreciate that, but I’m fine. Really.”
“Okay, then.”
“Thanks for the latte.”
“Any time.”
Determined to get something accomplished today, I dive into the press briefing I’m preparing on behalf of the family group.
Though I have other clients now, I still spend most of my time working with Miles and the family group.
The civil litigation is moving with unusual speed, and interest in the case is at an all-time high since the video was released.
After working closely with the group for so many months, I can answer questions for them without having to think too hard.
I spend a couple of hours deeply engrossed in my work, which is a welcome relief from my own thoughts.
I’m stretching out the kinks from sitting for so long when the extension buzzes on my desk with a call from Miles.
“Hey, what’s up?”
“Can you come in for a minute?”
I gaze at the clock and see I have ninety minutes until my appointment. “Sure. Be right in.” I print out the briefing, grab a notebook and pen and head for his office. Keith isn’t at his desk, so I knock on the open door.
“Come in, Ava.”
Miles gets up and comes around his desk, gesturing to the seating area in front of the window. “Can I get you anything?”
“I’m good, thanks.”
He’s like a totally different person since he got together with Sky, and I like seeing this new side to him, the lighter, happier side. I also admire that even as he fell for Sky, he’s never backed off his work on behalf of Emerson and the family group. He sits next to me but doesn’t say anything.
“What’s up?”
“That’s what I wanted to ask you.”
With that one sentence, I realize my friend Miles—and not my boss—has requested this meeting. I look down at the floor.
“Ava…”
“I’m trying to move past it, Miles. I’d rather not talk about it, if that’s okay with you.” Talking about it to Jessica will be enough torture for one day.
“I’m worried about you. You haven’t been yourself since you found out…”
“That the man I once loved with all my heart is alive and didn’t have the decency to tell me that himself?”
The look he gives me is full of empathy—and pity. I hate the pity almost as much as I hate John.
“I just wondered if maybe it’s possible that he can’t contact you for whatever reason.”
I’ve thought of that. Of course I have, but it’s been weeks since the video was released, and if he has any kind of soul left, surely he must know that seeing his face would send me reeling. How could he not try to get word to me after that video went public? “Anything is possible,” I say to Miles.
“I wish there was something I could do for you. I’ve exhausted every contact I have trying to get more information, but the Pentagon is locked up tighter than a drum when it comes to details about the men involved in the raid.”
“I… I didn’t know you’d done that. Thank you for trying.”
“It was nothing.”
“It’s not nothing to me.”
He seems pained when he adds, “If I found out Emmie was out there somewhere and hadn’t contacted me…” He shakes his head. “I can’t even imagine what that would be like.”
“It’s torture,” I say bluntly. “I wish I could just forget about him and go on with my life, but…”
“You can’t. You never will.”
“No, I won’t.”
“At least I have closure, knowing she’s gone and won’t be back. You’ve been stuck in this horrible state of purgatory for so long.”
“I hate him for that,” I say softly. “He said he loved me. How could he do this to me?” I hate myself for shedding more tears for someone who’s proven he’s not worth them.
Miles puts an arm around me and tries to offer comfort. “I’m sorry, Ava. Everyone who cares about you would do anything to help you find some peace.”
“That would be nice.” I wipe my face and struggle to regain my composure. “Let’s talk about the briefing.”
“We don’t have to if you don’t feel up to it.”
“I’m fine, and I made good progress today.” We spend the next thirty minutes fine-tuning the family group’s response to the latest round of media inquiries. Every time there’s a development, our workload triples. It’s been crazier than ever since the capture of Al Khad and the release of the video.
“This all looks great. Just run it by Dawkins to make sure he’s good with it before you release it.”
“Will do.”
“Let me know if he has any unreasonable requests, and I’ll rein him in.”
“Sometimes I think managing him is your biggest role in this organization.”
“It definitely is.”
Miles is the voice of reason on behalf of the families, who respect him greatly.
“Is there going to come a day when this story is no longer the story of our lives?” I’m not sure where the question comes from, but I’ve asked it before I can ponder whether I should.
“Yeah, I think that day will come, but it won’t be any time soon.
” What he means but doesn’t say is that with Al Khad facing a trial in the next few years, the civil case against the government proceeding and a renewed interest in a permanent memorial to the victims, the story has “legs,” as we say in our business.
“I know,” I say, sighing.
His hand on my arm has me looking at him, noting the intense expression on his handsome face.
“It doesn’t have to be the story of your life, Ava.
We can take you off this account so you don’t have to deal with it every day anymore.
As much as I’d hate to lose your valuable contributions, I’d totally understand if it’s too much for you. ”
“I might take you up on that at some point.” The work that was so meaningful to me when I didn’t know John’s fate has lost some of its luster now that I know he’s alive. I’ve lost the personal connection to the cause that fueled my passion for it.
“Just say the word and we’ll make a change. No questions asked.”
“Thank you, Miles. You’ve been such a great friend to me these last few months. I can’t thank you enough for the professional opportunities and the personal support. It’s meant everything to me.”
“I could say the same to you—and I owe you forever for introducing me to Sky.”
“I’m so glad you’re happy with her.”
“I’m beyond happy. I’m madly in love, and it feels so good to be moving on with my life after such a long period of terrible darkness.”
His words penetrate the fog of grief that’s surrounded me for weeks, reminding me that I’ve already moved on with my life and finding out that John is alive doesn’t change anything that truly matters for me.
I’m madly in love with Eric, and it’s time to put the past where it belongs and focus fully on the future with him.
“Yes,” I say to Miles. “It does feel good to be moving on.” I can tell I surprise him when I lean in to kiss his cheek. “Thank you.”
“For what?”
“For saying exactly what I needed to hear.”
“Okay…”
“I’ve allowed the past to suck me back into the rabbit hole these last few weeks. Enough is enough. It’s time to move past the darkness to focus on the future.”
“I’m glad to hear you say that.”
“I’m glad I finally realized it. See you tomorrow?”
“I’ll be here.”
I leave him with a smile and head back to my cubicle, where I pick up my phone and send a text to Jessica.
So sorry—something came up, and I can’t make it tonight.
You want to reschedule? I can fit you in tomorrow same time.
I think for a long moment before I respond. No, thank you. I’ve decided I don’t want to talk about it anymore. I’m done.
Ava… Are you sure that’s wise?
It might be the wisest thing I’ve ever done. I’m okay. I promise.
Call me if that changes?
Absolutely. Thank you for everything. You’ve been a big part of the team that put Ava back together.
It’s been a pleasure. You should know that I admire you more than just about anyone I’ve ever known, and I’ll be right here if you ever need me.
Her kind words bring tears to my eyes. Not sure I deserve that, but thank you just the same.
You deserve every good thing. Be kind to yourself and be happy.
That’s the plan! I’ll be in touch.
I’ll look forward to that. xo
I leave the office and splurge on a cab, eager to get home to Eric. I text him on the way. I’m making you dinner. Anything you want…
Thought you had Jessica tonight??
Canceled.
Everything okay???
Yep! So dinner…
What’s the occasion?
No occasion.
That’s my favorite kind.
Smiling, I type my reply. When will you be home?
Leaving now because my fiancée is making me dinner.
You’re a lucky man.
And I know it.
What do you feel like eating?
Surprise me.
Okay, see you soon.
Love you.
Love you, too.