John #3
He holds out a hand to me. “Please. I can’t come to you.”
I return to my place on the sofa, but I don’t take his hand. I keep my arms crossed as if that’ll protect me somehow.
“I get it. I’ve put you through hell. I’ll always be sorry for that. Everything that happened is a hundred percent my fault.”
“No, it was Al Khad’s fault.”
Shrugging, he says, “A big chunk of it was mine, too.”
“Not everything that happened was bad,” I whisper, wiping away more tears. “For a long time, it was the most beautiful thing to ever happen to me.”
“Until it wasn’t.”
I can’t think of a thing to say that wouldn’t be wrong. It wasn’t like he left because he wanted to. “Did you know you could be gone more than five years?”
“Hell no. We were told extended deployments were possible, but nothing like this.”
“Your… your father must be very proud.”
His face loses all expression. “I don’t know who my father is, Ava.”
“But you said he was a general, that you grew up all over.”
“I did grow up all over, because I was in the system. The foster system. I was in a lot of trouble as a kid, and a judge told me I could go to jail or the military. He made it my choice. I chose the Navy. I have no family to speak of. Just you and the people I’ve served with.
My lack of attachments made me an ideal candidate for the job I was asked to do. ”
Just you…
Just you…
Just you…
Hearing he has no one else breaks something in me. “You lied to me about so many things.”
“Only because I had to. Never because I wanted to.”
At some level, I understand that, but I don’t like it. “My therapist said you’re a national hero for what you did and sacrificed for the rest of us. But what you did to me wasn’t heroic at all.”
“I freely admit that. I watched the early coverage of the attack, and when I got the call from my command, all I could think about was you and what would happen to you. I was sick about it, but our mission, my role in it, everything about my professional life was and is classified. I couldn’t have told you even if I wanted to. ”
“You could have. You chose not to.”
“No, baby,” he says gently. “I chose to protect you by not giving you information that could be used against you by the people we were trying to capture.”
Hearing that, I recoil. “How could they have used it against me? They didn’t even know I existed.”
“I was unwilling to take even the slightest chance with your safety.”
“Instead, you nearly ruined my life.”
“I’ll always regret the pain I caused you, Ava. You have every right to hate me. I wouldn’t blame you if you did.”
“I wish I did. That would make it so much easier to tell you to go straight to hell.”
“If that’s what you want to do, I’ll try to understand.
But if there’s any chance… Any chance at all that you might still love me as much as I love you, that you might find it in your heart to forgive me and to give me another chance…
There’s nothing I want more than the opportunity to make things right with you.
All the time I was gone, I dreamed of the life we might have when I came home.
I’m being medically discharged from the Navy with a full pension.
We’d have the resources to do whatever we want wherever we want. All I need to be happy is you, Ava.”
“No.” I shake my head as if the word isn’t enough on its own to make my point.
I keep my gaze fixed on the four gold stripes on his sleeve.
“You don’t get to do this to me. I’m finally in a good place in a healthy relationship with a man who adores me.
He put me back together and helped me find a whole new life.
I’m sorry, but no. I can’t go backward.”
After a seemingly endless silence, he says, “Okay.” From his pocket, he withdraws a piece of paper that he hands to me. “My new phone number.”
“I won’t need this, John.”
“Take it anyway. If you change your mind…”
I take the paper and put it in my pocket. “I… I should go.”
He nods but doesn’t look at me.
I’m not sure if I should hug him or if he would even welcome the gesture.
“Could I ask you one thing?” he says.
“Okay…”
“If you didn’t have him, would you still be leaving?”
“It’s not about him, John. It’s about us, and too much water under the bridge to go back to who we were six years ago.” Here come the goddamned tears again. “For a very long time, I would’ve given anything to hear the things you said to me today. But now… I had no choice but to move on.”
“Thank you for coming all this way to see me.”
“Thank you for your extraordinary sacrifices in service to our country. I’ll never forget you or the time we spent together.
” My voice breaks. “I… I loved every minute of it.” I rush toward the door because I need to be out of here before I break down.
And I need to move quickly before I lose my resolve.
“Ava.” His anguished cry is more than I can bear. “Please don’t go. Don’t leave me.”
I open the door and wait for it to close behind me before I slide down to the floor, my heartbroken sobs echoing in the empty hallway.