34. Bridget
CHAPTER 34
Bridget
It’s been two weeks since I asked Ethan for space, and my apartment doesn’t feel the same since he left. Work has been a welcome distraction, and I’ve been pouring myself into end-of-year income and cash flow statements. It could be the stress, but I’ve been craving salty snacks like crazy, and I’m bloated from all the extra salt intake.
My emotions are all over the place. One minute I’m sobbing uncontrollably, and the next I’m ready to break shit, mad at the world for everything it’s thrown at me. Why does he have to be related to that man? The one that broke me and changed the way I look at men.
Fuck, I need another snack. Padding into the kitchen, I rifle through the pantry like a rabid raccoon only to come up empty-handed. I slip on my winter boots and dig my keys out of my purse, but I can’t find them. Emptying out the contents onto the counter, I scan the items for my keys when my eyes lock on something that makes bile rise in my stomach.
Fuck.
Doing some quick mental math, I come up short. No, no, no. This can’t be right. The plastic crinkles between my fingers as I grip it tighter in my hand.
I can’t do this. I don’t want this. I just need some fucking pretzels, not an existential crisis as the world continues to fuck me over.
“Ahhh!” I angrily scream as I hurl the tampon across the room. It lands with a pathetic thump against the window before bouncing onto the floor.
I count to ten, focusing on my breathing, using all my senses like Ethan taught me. Fuck. Ethan. I could be carrying his child. A child he says he doesn’t want but definitely deserves. And in this moment, I realize that if I am pregnant, I can’t have an abortion; I couldn’t do that to him. But could I keep a baby? No, that’s not a life I want—but the thought of being tied to Ethan in a permanent way sparks hope in my chest.
I definitely don’t want to be a mother, but imagining Ethan being forever connected to me because of another person fills me with more emotion than I know how to handle as tears slip down my cheeks.
“Ethan’s soul is perfectly matched to yours in ways mine can’t be.”
Could Becka be right? Is that why the thought of keeping him overpowers my fear of potential motherhood?
I throw on my coat and wrap a scarf around my neck as I hurry out of my apartment and down to the street. The drug store is a few blocks away, and I need answers before I spiral out of control.
The cold December air nips at my exposed cheeks as I tug my scarf tighter. I’m so engrossed in my mission that I don’t hear the person behind me.
“Bridge.”
I spin around and come face to face with Henry. Hank. Whatever. “You don’t get to call me that. You burned this bridge, Hank.” I spit his name like venom. “You broke me. You don’t get to use pet names with me anymore.”
He throws his hands up in defense. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean anything by it.”
“Fuck you. What are you even doing here?” I look around, trying to spot Ethan, because that can be the only reason Hank’s here. “How do you know where I live?”
“I didn’t.”
“Did Ethan tell you?”
“He would never betray your trust like that. That one is as loyal as they come.”
“Good to know the apple fell far from your tree,” I retort as I absentmindedly rub my stomach.
“I deserve that.”
“You didn’t tell me how you got my address,” I demand, unwilling to spend one more minute of my life catering to this man.
“I overheard Ethan talking to Ashley back when he was helping you after surgery. He said the girl he was seeing lived a block from his restaurant. I tried to google you, but I didn’t find anything, so I figured I’d walk the blocks around his restaurant.”
“You’ve been walking around his work, hoping to run into me?” I don’t know whether I should feel flattered or stalked.
“He doesn’t know I’m here.”
“Why are you here?” I question, my eyes narrowing.
“I know I hurt you…” he begins.
“I gave you everything. Every piece of me. And you didn’t deserve it.”
“I didn’t.”
“And now I’m broken, feeling like I can’t let anyone in, like I can’t trust anyone. Because of you, I closed myself off so no one else could take from me what I wasn’t willing to give.”
He looks down for a moment before speaking again. “I’m so sorry I hurt you, that my choices caused you so much pain. I didn’t think about how it would affect you, and I should have. I made a lot of shitty decisions in my life, and hurting you was one of them.”
“I’m who I am despite what I went through, despite what you did to me. I gave you several firsts that you didn’t deserve. But all Ethan did was give. His time. His understanding. His love. And somehow, you’re still fucking with my love life over twenty years later.”
“The bad decisions I made in my youth shouldn’t steal your future joy. Despite how he came about, Ethan is one of the best decisions I’ve ever made, and I’m so incredibly proud of the man he’s become. He deserves to be happy. At times, I feel like he raised me. I was a kid having a kid, and I had no clue what the fuck I was doing. But despite my shortcomings, he was a good kid and an even better man.”
“How are you not bothered by all of this? I’m in love with your son, for fuck’s sake.”
“I’m not the same man since I fell in love with Ashley. She brings peace to my life. She grounds me and brings me joy in a way I’ve never known, even after all these years together. Everyone deserves a love like we have, especially you and Ethan. I’ve seen him grow since meeting you, and you pulled him out of his grief when none of us could. I’m not justifying my actions, but you and I weren’t a good match for each other. We were kids with a lot of growing up to do. Even at twenty-three, Ethan is a better man than I was at that age.”
“I can’t believe you’re standing here trying to convince me to stay with your son.”
He laughs ruefully. “It’s not my job to tell you what to do or how to feel, but he loves you. He doesn’t deserve to pay for the sins of my youth. And neither do you. Maybe we were meant to go through what we did so I could raise the perfect man for you, even if I couldn’t be it. Maybe that’s how I atone. You don’t have to trust me, just him. Don’t punish him for the sins of his father.”
The wind picks up, whipping my scarf around me as I stare at him. His words cut me but have landed their mark. But I’ll be damned if I ever give him credit for any of that.
“Just think about it. He loves you.” He clamps a hand on my shoulder and squeezes it once before he walks away.
Since I’m also headed in that direction but don’t want to walk after him, I stand there a minute and let his words sink in. I need to respond to Ethan. I can’t go on ignoring him forever.
I blow out a breath, a cloud of water vapor rushing out of my mouth in the cold air as I turn and head to the drugstore.
The journey back to my apartment is a blur. I’ve never been more excited to take a test, and that’s saying something since I was an excellent student.
Tapping my fingers on the counter, I lean over my vanity and stare at my reflection in the mirror. While I don’t notice any changes in my appearance, it’s obvious that the past couple of weeks have been weighing on me. There are bags under my eyes, and they’re puffy from crying. The timer on my phone dings and I turn it off, bracing myself as I flip over the stick.
Negative.
When my period starts a few days later, I’m relieved, but also overcome with a feeling of melancholy when I realize I’m truly alone. There’s nothing tying me to Ethan. No reason to reach out to him.
Fuck.
Lying on my bed with the heating pad pressed to my abdomen, I bury my face in my pillow and scream as I unleash every emotion I’ve contained over the past few weeks. Hell, over the past twenty years. A lifetime of hurtful words that nicked me come flooding through my thoughts, smashing all the pieces left of my heart.
“You’re not good enough for a guy like Henry.”
“He’s having her baby, and you expect him to choose you? Why would he ever pick you over her?”
“Honey, you’re too pretty to be a secretary.”
“You’ll never get ahead with an attitude like that, but I can make an exception for a body like yours.”
“How can you not want kids?”
“You’d make a terrible mother anyway.”
“Your son can take your personal belongings and wait for you in the waiting area.”
“Aren’t you too old for him?”
The only person who has ever quieted these thoughts in my head and soothed my rough edges is Ethan. I sob, afraid I may have fucked this up forever.
My phone screen lights up the room, and I lean over to read it, swiping at my face so I can make out the words through the bleariness. It’s Ethan’s daily text. I’ve yet to open the thread and read all his messages, but I’ve read most of each one as the notification appeared on my phone. I scroll through until I reach the last one.
Pup
Please talk to me, sweetheart. I love you.
How does he always know what I need, even when he can’t see me? His ability to read me was always unnerving, but for once, it’s the most comforting feeling in the world. The dots start bouncing, and I crack a smile for the first time in weeks.
Are you there? I can see you’ve read my messages now. Thank fuck. Are you okay? Can we talk?
Okay
My screen lights up with an incoming call, and I put it on speakerphone, since I don’t have the strength to hold it to my ear.
“Bridget? Sweetheart, are you okay? Fuck, I’ve missed you so much.” His voice floods my senses, bringing up every emotion I’ve felt over the past few days.
“It’s good to hear your voice,” I croak out between sobs.
“Shit, are you crying? Are you at home? Can I come see you?” he says frantically, as if I’m something ephemeral he’s trying desperately to hold on to.
“Tomorrow at two. We can talk then,” I say before ending the call.