Chapter 7
EMMA
Seeing my therapist was high on my priority list this summer, but then classes started and my course load increased, and it got pushed to the back burner. I feel like I’m barely keeping my head above water and it’s only a few weeks into the semester.
Last year I had a roommate, and she was nice, but I was always in the library or class so our paths rarely crossed.
This year, I ended up with a solo dorm room.
I’m excited to have a place of respite even if it is a little isolating.
I really should get out more and make some friends, but I’ll have time for that later, once I figure out how to write a paper that Professor A-hole won’t tear to shreds.
Opening my laptop, I sign into the patient portal and click into my telehealth link.
“So, Emma, how is the new school year going?” my therapist Brenda asks.
“It’s good. There’s this professor that’s been really challenging, but I’ll figure him out,” I answer, shifting in my seat hoping she doesn’t make me spend time talking about him.
“Have you had anymore nightmares?”
“I have. They started up again over the summer. It’s the same recurring one.”
“I see. Is there anything you can think of that may have triggered it?” I can tell she’s taking notes as she looks off screen.
“No. Not that I can think of. I just wish I knew what was causing it.”
“That’s understandable, wanting clarity so you can make sense of your own experience.”
“And since we talked about how I was able to figure out that I’m not responsive to just any kind of touch, you wanted me to explore the context of what makes me react.”
“And did you do that?”
“I may have let a masked dom tie me up and blindfold me so he could touch every part of my body. Safely, of course. There were safe words, so I was in control.”
“That’s…” she says and then stops, and for a second, I wonder if her video has frozen.
“That’s not the approach I would’ve recommended, but you know what’s best for you.
I do want to make sure you’re not trying to shock your system into healing to prove a point.
Reenacting past trauma can be detrimental if you’re not being emotionally safe. ”
“But I can’t remember anything traumatic happening to me.
And I felt incredibly safe. Like, I was anxious about how it would feel and how I would react, but I did a lot of research first to prepare myself.
There was this whole process beforehand where I filled out a survey with my limits, and he read it before the scene even started.
Then we established a safe word, and he jumped right into the role. ”
“Trauma can be implicit. Even if you don’t have memories in words or pictures, your body remembers.
It can be risky to push yourself so far out of your comfort zone.
The fact that you were holding space for curiosity and caution is a good step toward healing.
Having a safe word is important since it gives you control in a scenario where you’ve historically felt powerless. Did it help?”
“It got me out of my head. He knew how to build up my anticipation so all I could think about was when he would touch me and where he would touch me instead of danger, he’s touching me.”
“Well, in this scenario, you were choosing it. You sought him out. You set the scene. You shared your limits. And you dictated the rules. As long as you’re going into this fully consenting to it, I don’t see a problem.”
I hesitate briefly, not wanting to disappoint her with the next part. She seems so thrilled with my progress.
“Based on the look on your face, I’m guessing there’s more?”
Swallowing down my nerves, I blow out a breath. “After the scene was over, he cracked his neck like the man in my nightmares, and I panicked and used my safe word. It was really disappointing. I felt like I’d come so far just to ruin it with my stupid broken body.”
She sets her pen down and looks straight in the camera.
“First of all, you’re not broken, you’re healing.
And even if it didn’t end the way you’d hoped, I think there are a couple of important takeaways here.
You let someone touch you. You explored it with consent.
And when you felt triggered, you listened to your body, and you stopped it.
Your nervous system was trying to protect you, and you honored that by using your safe word.
That’s what it’s there for. You said stop, but you were still in control. ”
“I was kinda hoping that one visit would be all it took. But I’ve seen him three times now and the nightmares are still happening.”
“Healing isn’t linear, Emma, and one experience with a masked man isn’t a magic fix.”
“There are no magic fixes,” we say in unison.
“That’s right. But you made some progress, and you should celebrate that.”
I end the call a few minutes later and blow out a deep breath. A sense of peace washes over me and I open a blank document, determined to write an essay that Professor A-hole won’t eviscerate.