Chapter 12 Emma
EMMA
My sophomore year definitely isn’t as easy as my freshman year was, and with each passing day, I question my decisions. As the end of the semester approaches, I can’t wait for the break from classes. And from Professor A-hole.
Daddy Dom’s rules have come in handy and have made dealing with Professor A-hole tolerable.
Nothing worth doing is easy.
I repeat the mantra in my head.
This will all be worth it. I’ll be able to do so much good in the world. I’ll be able to help people like Lizzy.
I’ve somehow managed to earn an A in my Shakespeare class, and as long as he doesn’t eviscerate my final paper, I should be able to maintain my four-point-zero GPA. Grades have always been important to me, but lately they haven’t felt like the mark of success they once did.
Now if only I could solve my other problem.
I haven’t seen Daddy Dom in person since the first week of classes, but now that I’ll be in the city for winter break, I’m dying to visit the club.
He’s been so hot and cold, and it’s infuriating. I think he likes me. He’ll call or text me so I know I mean something to him, but when I bring up seeing him again or going to the club, he either shuts it down or ignores it.
One minute he’s opening up to me through text, then he’s ghosting me for weeks.
Every time I feel like I’ve had a breakthrough with him, he goes silent.
I wish he’d make up his mind about what he wants.
I’d love to enforce some rules of my own, but I’m afraid it would push him away even more, and I’m desperate for every little morsel he gives me.
And I wish I could see him in person again.
He hasn’t been clear about why we can’t see each other right now, but I want to believe it’s that he’s busy and he wants me to concentrate on school.
Our texts and phone calls haven’t been enough to satisfy the overwhelming need coursing through me anytime I think about him.
I need his hands on me, his mouth on my skin.
No one else has ever brought this out in me, and I think I’m finally ready to take the next step.
The December air assaults my senses as I leave my parents’ house and head to my car, loaded up with my bags. I’d planned to spend winter break at home, but there’s a lot of tension there, and after a day it was stressing me out. That’s how I end up at Alyx’s.
The entrance and hallway leading up to his apartment are cramped, and we awkwardly maneuver all my luggage to his door.
“Thanks for letting me crash here for a couple weeks.”
“Your eighteen suitcases would say otherwise,” he groans as he lugs two more bags in from the hallway.
“It’s not that many.” I watch him struggle with the last three bags, barely getting through the door before tripping over a rug and nearly falling over.
“Holy shit. What do you have in these? Bricks?”
“Just a few books.”
“That feels like a whole freaking library.”
“So all those muscles are just for show?”
“Sis, stop playin’.” He flexes a bicep with a cocky grin, and I roll my eyes.
“I’m a mood reader,” I say, pouting. “I have to bring a bunch, because I never know what I’ll feel like reading.”
He shakes his head, using his foot to push the bags away from where they were blocking the door. “Remind me to buy you a Kindle.”
“I’ve got one! But sometimes I just like to hold a book, ya know? To feel the weight of it in my hands. The satisfaction of turning the pages and seeing your progress. To run my nose up the center and take a big ole sniff.”
“I don’t wanna hear about you shoving your face in cracks to sniff things.”
My head falls back against the couch in laughter as he plops down beside me, pulling my leg into his lap as he rubs the heel of my foot with his thumbs.
“Things are weird at home,” I admit, wanting to break the silence.
“What’s going on there? Oh wait, I think I know,” he says suspiciously.
“What do you know?”
“You’re going to need to talk to Ethan about that. Speaking of, you might need to tell him you’re staying here. I don’t need him accusing me of sleeping with you again.”
I laugh, thinking back to earlier in the semester when I came to his apartment to escape classes one day and walked in on my stepbrother humping his girlfriend in the living room. I saw so many things I can never unsee. “Why do I need to tell him? It’s not like he’s ever here.”
“Actually, he was here after Thanksgiving for a few weeks. It’s the longest he’s spent the night here since meeting Bridget.”
“Is everything okay with them? I really like her,” I ask worriedly.
“I think so? He said Bridget needed some space, but I think they worked out their issues because he came back a week ago and packed a big bag of shit. He’s also got that dopey grin at work again.”
“I wonder what happened.” I pull out my phone and FaceTime my sister.
“El!” I cry when her face fills the screen.
“Em!” she echoes.
I turn the phone, pointing it at Alyx as she continues. “N-O-P. Ugh, E. Nope, not the stupid face I wanted to see.”
“Good to see you too, princess,” Alyx snaps.
“Why are you with the playboy? I know things are weird over here, but you don’t have to stay there. Come back here,” she whines.
“Cuz you’re so much more pleasant to be around than me,” Alyx mumbles as he rolls his eyes.
“Don’t you have a kitchen to burn down?”
“It was one fucking pan that caught fire, not the whole kitchen,” he claps back.
“Oh my God, I was joking, but this is even better. You’re a walking disaster.”
“Says the princess in her tower. So high and mighty on your high horse,” he taunts.
“So this is fun,” I say awkwardly, caught in the middle of their bickering.
“Em, come back home. Lizzy and I miss you. So do the other two.”
“Jeez, learn your other sister’s names, princess. Even I know them,” Alyx quips.
“I know their names!”
“Okay, you two.” I shoot each of them a look. “Ella, I can’t stay there right now. The energy is off.”
“Tell me about it. Lizzy’s having more meltdowns than normal, and Dad is super grumpy, which means I’m on lockdown. Shit went down at Thanksgiving.”
I’m filled with guilt at the thought of not being there for Lizzy, but my mom is an excellent caretaker. “What happened? You never got to tell me the one day I was there.”
“Ethan brought his girlfriend over, and everything was fine. I was in the basement, and then I heard shouting. Lizzy started freaking out, and when I went to find Ethan, he was yelling at Dad on the porch.”
“Well now I’m glad I skipped it to work on my paper. What were they yelling about?”
“Hell if I knew, no one would say anything. Wait, man-child lives with him, I bet he knows something, point me back at him.” I tilt the phone toward Alyx.
“Nope, I’m staying out of this. Talk to your brother if you want details. It’s not my story to tell.” He releases my foot as he heads to his room.
“Useless,” she mutters as I prop the phone on my knees so I can talk to her. “So why are you really at Alyx’s? Wanted to be closer to Dommy Batman?”
I laugh at her ridiculousness. “Maybe. But I didn’t really have anywhere else to go since the dorms are closed for break.”
“Are you going to see him again?”
“I hope so. Oh, I meant to ask you, how are things with Chad?”
“I think man-child ratted me out because Ethan mysteriously showed up last month when Chad and I were alone at the house. We were finally going to do it again, and Ethan cockblocked me,” she whines.
I laugh and then she quickly moves on, catching me up on her senior year of high school and plans for the future. “Don’t tell Dad, but I haven’t applied anywhere, and I’m not going to.”
“Your secret’s safe with me,” I assure her. “Besides, I’m starting to second-guess my decision.”
“Now I know I made the right choice. Have you thought about transferring schools?”
“Not really.”
“I always wondered why you picked a private Christian school. It’s not like we grew up in church.”
“Faith Union does have a good reputation, and the theatre department is great. I think I just wanted to stay closer to home. But I’ll probably end up applying for a graduate program at a state school. I’ll either do a master’s in special education or social work.”
“Are all the guys there horny and repressed? Maybe I should come out for a visit.”
I can’t help but laugh at her teasing. We hang up an hour later, I feel refreshed, thankful to connect with one of my favorite people, and equally bummed that I bailed on her to stay in the city.
——————
Later that night, I’m curled up in bed doom scrolling when I get a text.
Have you been a good girl today?
Staying hydrated?
Yes, sir.
Where are you right now?
Alyx’s. The dorms are closed, and there’s too much drama at my house.
What’s going on?
I’m not really sure, I can’t get a straight answer out of anyone. Tension is high, so I came over here.
Just wanted to make sure you were safe.
I am. I wish I could see you.
The dots bounce for several minutes, and my insecurities grow as my impatience wanes.
Me too.
I wonder what he must’ve typed and deleted only to end up sending that. Even though I’m desperate to keep him talking, clinging to every small scrap of himself that he shares, I can’t bring myself to ask him for what I really want.
Are you at home?
Yeah. I have some friends staying over for the holidays. What are your plans?
I’ll probably go back home at some point. I do want to see my mom and sisters.
What about your dad?
Now it’s my turn to pause as I ponder what to share.
My dad passed away when I was younger, but I’m excited to see my stepdad.
I’m sorry, pet. I didn’t know.
It’s okay. He was pretty awful. My mom doesn’t talk about him much, but I know he was abusive towards her. I don’t really remember much about him.
Did he ever hurt you?
I don’t think so. Or I don’t remember it if he did. I was really young when my mom left him.
Is he the man in your dreams?
I thought you said you weren’t a therapist.
I’m not, but it would make sense.
That’s my therapist’s theory as well.
I wish I was there so I could hold you in my arms while you sleep, keep you safe from your nightmares.
His text is surprisingly honest, and I’m shocked by his candor. He’s not normally one to share how he feels, especially since he made not sharing feelings a rule.
Breaking rules, sir? I want you here too.
Can we meet at the club?
The dots bounce for several minutes and then disappear, and I’m left feeling empty and alone.
Why did I push him like that? He’s the only person I’ve made a connection with this year and I don’t want to lose that.
Sure, I have Ella and Alyx, but I spend so much of my time studying or reading—or trying to make sure I pass Professor A-hole’s stupid class—that I’ve pretty much given up on trying to make new friends.
But it’s almost a new year and a new semester. Who knows what it will bring?