Chapter 17
JOHN
This ends tonight. What we do here will have to be enough to last me through the next year. Even though I’m consumed with the overwhelming desire to help her, protect her, I need to walk away now.
It took seconds for her to agree to see me again, considering the last time we were physical like this was at the beginning of the semester.
While I wait for Alyx to bring her down, I set up the lounger, arrange the cushions and inserts to resemble a flat surface, and grab the massage oil, then put my mask in place.
Alyx knocks and gives me a nod, then turns back in the direction of his room. I close the door behind him and look down at her small frame, letting my eyes roam over each delicious curve of her body. “Strip and lie down.”
“Yes, sir.” There’s no hesitation in her voice as she quickly follows my command. And fuck, her willing obedience only makes her harder to resist. She climbs onto the table, gently placing her forehead on her folded arms.
“When was your last nightmare?” I try focusing on the problem. She has a problem; I’m helping to solve the problem. If I keep it transactional, no feelings need be involved.
“A week ago, sir.” Her voice is weak, like she’s afraid to admit this.
“Why wasn’t I informed?”
“I didn’t tell Alyx about it. I was alone in my dorm studying for finals.”
“What happened in this one? What did he do to you?”
“He straddled me and held me down.” She lets out a shuddering breath as her breathing picks up. She told me about her breakthrough with her mom recently, and I’d hoped her nightmares would lessen, but I know it could take time. Do I keep pushing or let this go and hold her?
“How did he hold you down?”
“My throat. He cut off my air and I couldn’t breathe,” she says through a sob, and my resolve cracks.
“Look at me, pet.” I stroke her cheek. Her head shifts to the side, one of her eyes peeking out. Her lashes are thick as they flutter, and I shift slightly to block the light so she doesn’t have to strain.
“You’re safe with me.”
“I am.” It’s not a question. Her agreement is everything I need to continue.
“Do you trust me to reenact that scene?”
“Yes, sir,” she says with no hesitation.
Something stirs in my chest at her admission. It’s thrilling when a sub hands you total control, but there’s something about Emma’s submission that makes every part of me come alive for the first time in my life.
Like this is how it’s supposed to be.
Like every other person I’ve been with was just practice for this.
Like this is real.
Only it can’t be real, and it can’t be her. Not now.
I climb onto the table, moving gently as I straddle her. Once I’m over the small of her back, I lean down, getting as close to her ear as my mask will allow me. “Turn over.”
She shakes her head. “I c–can’t.”
“Can’t isn’t your safe word. My full weight isn’t on you, and there’s just enough room for you to flip under me. Show me those perfect fucking nipples, pet. I’ve been dying for another peek.”
As slow as a sloth, she moves under me until she’s on her back, tits bared, and my dick is hovering over her pussy, my clothing the only thing between us.
I grab her hands and place them on my thighs as my fingers slowly tickle up her arms, those fucking goosebumps following in my wake.
Her breathing stutters as I get closer to her neck.
“You can stop this at any time,” I remind her.
She shakes her head in a small gesture as she releases a shaky breath.
“You have all the control here. You can grab me by the neck or the balls. I’m not going to stop you.”
She closes her eyes, squeezing them tight as she grabs my forearms and places my hands on her neck.
“Show me how it’s supposed to be done. I don’t want to be afraid of it.
I want it to feel good, like the hand necklaces in the books I’ve read.
If I can show my brain that it’s not always scary, maybe it won’t terrify me in my nightmare. ”
Her lithe body grows still under me as I grip the sides of her delicate neck, careful to avoid her windpipe.
I lean in as close as I can, praying she can’t feel the way I’m stiffening in my pants.
“The key is not to cut off your air supply completely. Breath play is an art and requires complete trust. I’m happy to grip your neck for now, but I don’t think you’re ready for that kind of play yet. ”
“Yes, sir,” she rasps, and my hips buck in response, rubbing my erection against her as she moans.
Get it the fuck together, I tell myself. Do not allow this girl to cause you to stray from the plan. The rules are there for a reason.
“Harder, please.”
I don’t know if she wants me to increase the pressure on her neck or thrust harder against her clit, but against my better judgement, I do both.
“Oh f–fuuuh, fudge.” She finishes the last word on a slow moan.
“You can do better than that pet, say it for me. Just once. I want to hear that sweet voice moan ‘fuck’ in my ear. You have no idea what it would do to me to hear that dirty word come out of your clean little mouth. No one can hear you but me. Give it to me.” It comes out as a command, but it feels like I’m begging.
The urge to corrupt this innocent sub takes over, and I pick up my thrusts, pushing hard against her clit as she clenches beneath me.
“Oh God, I’m going to… oh f–fuhh— can’t, I’m—” Her words are interrupted by a guttural cry as she shudders against me, her fingers digging into my hands as she squeezes them.
I ignore the voice in my head telling me to stop as my orgasm builds quickly, she was so close to swearing and the thought alone is enough to unravel me.
“Fuck, Em. Fuuuuck, such a good fucking girl for me,” I growl as I explode in my pants, sweat trickling down my face as my heavy breathing threatens to fog up my mask.
As we come down, she stares up at me, a look of wonder on her face, her big brown eyes boring into me.
Tucking a strand of hair behind her ear, I gaze at her, awestruck. “You didn’t use your safe word.”
“I didn’t need it. I liked it. It was freeing.”
“Are you okay?” I stroke the side of her neck.
“More than okay. Thank you, sir.”
I climb off the table and move to the built-in long cupboard that houses my extra outfits and costumes. I clean myself quickly, keeping my back to her. What the fuck is happening to me? My control is too weak.
“Get dressed,” I say with more bite than I intend.
I should apologize—this is not my normal level of aftercare, and I feel like an asshole for leaving her on the table while I tend to my needs instead of hers, but my scalp is hot, and I feel like my body is covered in ants.
I want to scratch or scrub every inch of my skin until I bleed.
She makes quick work of putting her clothes on, and it takes everything in me not to pull her into my arms and shower her with praise at the progress she’s made.
I open the door and extend my arm, motioning her into the hallway. She hesitates for a second, a look of confusion and hurt on her face before she sighs and walks into the hall.
When we get to Alyx’s door, I grab her wrist before she can make contact to knock. My fingers linger on her skin as I pull her against me, her back to my front as I lean close to her ear. “Thank you, pet. You were so good for me, but our time is up. That was our last session.”
I release her wrist and back away, turning down the hall so I don’t have to see her reaction.
I’m a fucking coward for abandoning her, but this needs to happen.
Her soft pleas and sobs reach my ears, but I don’t turn back regardless of the pain in my chest. Despite the spiral I’m in, maybe this is good. Maybe this is what I need to walk away.