Chapter 4
four
*SOREN*
The door to Leo’s apartment isn’t closed properly, a clear indication of how desperate he was to get home.
I know the place. It’s Aspen’s cozy apartment, the one he owns as a backup.
It’s in the middle of the town, and every necessary place is reachable on foot.
Robin and I helped him with cleaning and preparing everything for Leo, all the while listening to the usually rather reserved Aspen telling us over and over again how over the moon he is that his brother agreed to come here and to stay.
He never told us what happened to Leo, and not even Robin, despite being curious and usually asking question after question like a little kid, tried to push him to tell us.
For a moment, I contemplate giving Leo privacy, but I just can’t shake his haunted expression off. That’s why I asked my assistant to take over for me, so I can have my entire focus on Leo. “Leo?” I ask, quietly taking the stairs to the second floor.
He is sitting on the ground, his breath going ragged. Barkley is right next to him, his snout on Leo’s leg while looking at him through his big, kind puppy eyes.
“I am sorry,” Leo gapes, still trying to catch his breath.
I don’t ask him what happened. If anything, that can wait until later. Instead, I make sure to kneel next to him.
“I am sorry,” he rasps out again. He moves his hand to his sweaty forehead, swaying dangerously although he is sitting.
“Don’t apologize,” I say, trying to keep my voice low and even, and not like I am panicking myself. His breath keeps hitching, and he is gasping for air. I don’t have a lot of experience with panic attacks myself, but Aspen used to get them when he first arrived in this town.
He has taught me some strategies.
I put my hand on Leo’s back. “Let’s do this together. Can you hear me?”
He nods.
“Okay, breathe in slowly through your nose while I count.” When I hear him suck in air through his nose, I loudly count to four. “Hold your breath.” I count to seven. “Now breathe out while I count.” I count to eight while he follows my guidance.
We repeat the exercise a couple of times until I can feel his stance relaxing. He doesn’t gasp for air anymore, and his breathing is more even. Just to make sure he is out of it for real, I repeat the exercise a couple of more times.
Eventually, Leo calms down fully, brushing with his hands through his hair in exasperation. “Thank you, Soren, but now you probably think I am a lunatic.”
“Not at all,” I reassure him. I wonder if I should mention Aspen’s panic attacks, but then I am not sure if the brothers ever talked about it, and I wouldn’t want to break Aspen’s trust. I decide to shift the topic to get his thoughts off what just happened.
“Do you want to have breakfast together?”
“Don’t you have work?” Leo asks.
“I called my assistant,” I answer honestly. “She will fill in for me until lunch.”
“I am so sorry. You had to change your plans just for me.”
“What are you talking about? Obviously, I am here for Barkley.”
Barkley grunts at hearing his name, sitting up and letting his tongue hang out. Leo smiles. “Barkley says thank you.” He pauses. “Seriously, ever since we met, I have shown you my worst.”
“If that’s your worst, it can’t be that bad.”
“Come on, I am a mess,” he says.
“Well, better a hot mess than a lukewarm disaster. At least you are messmerizing,” I say before I can stop myself.
I just have the ability to make the worst jokes and alienate everyone I would even remotely be interested in.
It’s just overall easier for me to handle animals than humans, especially once they get in touch with my weird humor.
Leo stares at me, then he snorts. “Did you just really make that joke?”
“I know, I am just so unfunny. Robin keeps telling me my jokes are so from the 2000s when everyone was wearing shirts with not-so-funny quotes from Facebook.”
“Before memes were a thing,” Leo analyzes. He seems to have recovered fully from his panic attack and also momentarily forgets to be awkward around me. “So, you like jokes?”
“No one finds funny what I find funny.”
“Give me one,” he urges, his eyes looking at me with so much hope in them. I don’t have it in me to turn him down. Way to go and ruin my cool image for real.
“What’s a can opener that doesn’t work?”
He blinks at me. “No clue.”
“A can’t opener.”
It’s so silent around us, I can hear a needle drop. Then Leo slaps his hands in front of his face and chuckles.
“Two carrots are sitting in the fridge. Says one carrot to the other: ‘It’s pretty cold in here, huh?’ The other one blurts out: Oh no, a talking carrot!”
“Oh my god,” Leo says. “This one is so bad!” His chuckle betrays him, though.
My God, I might have just found the one guy who shares my humor instead of scrunching his nose and looking for somebody better!
“You just found me funny,” I point out, leaning forward to look at him closer.
“Not at all,” Leo says, flushing slightly. Then, however, he smiles. “Okay, a bit.”
“So, now that I have embarrassed myself. Does Barkley want me to stay for breakfast?”
“Yes, he does,” Leo says.
I want to ask him what triggered him, mainly to avoid it in the future. I can’t stop him from seeing something when we are out, but I can at least avoid the topic. However, our exchange has clearly changed his mood, and I don’t want to sour it again.
*LEO*
Soren is tall and handsome, he even looks a tad stoic and serious, but then he comes running to me to help me with my panic attack; he doesn’t ask any questions and tells me the unfunniest jokes I have ever heard.
He took me completely by surprise, so much so that I forgot to be awkward around him. I even forgot to be anxious.
Right now, he is just looking so kind, shuffling around my kitchen confidently telling me another silly joke and not minding that he is making a doofus out of himself.
His confidence in himself and the way he isn’t embarrassed to show me who he is is truly something I could probably learn from him.
Barkley obviously likes him, too.
“Nice. Your kitchen is pretty well stocked,” he says.
I feel the usual twinge in my chest, remembering how Aspen went out of his way to make me feel welcomed. “Thanks to Aspen,” I admit.
“Oh, right, it was him,” Soren says. “I think Robin helped, too.”
“Really?” I ask, eyeing him curiously. “Did you also?” I am not sure why I am asking. Am I hoping for him to say he did?
“Yes,” he says with a smile, and his face has that serious yet kind expression again that makes it hard to look at him for too long. “I helped with the furniture.”
“You are all so nice.”
“Aspen is our best friend,” he explains with a smile. He takes his glasses off to clean them with a tissue, a thoughtful expression on his face. “And he was over the moon that you decided to move close to him.”
“Is that true?” I ask quietly. I’d hate being a burden to my brother, but I don’t say it out loud. Bad enough that Soren already saw my worst side both yesterday and today. I don’t want to throw a pity party now.
Soren smiles warmly. “He was so happy, and he talked nonstop about you. So, obviously Robin and I almost died of curiosity.”
“He must have been worried,” I mutter, feeling a twinge of guilt.
“He was,” Soren answers honestly.
“Did he tell you what happened?”
“No, and we didn’t ask,” Soren admits, looking at me thoughtfully. “I will not ask now either.”
“Thank you.”
“So...” Soren puts his glasses back on and then takes his business card out of his pocket. “When Barkley needs something,” he says. “Whatever it is, even if he just wants to talk or hang out, tell him he can call me.”
I look at his card, battling with myself. I hate relying on someone else. It’s bad enough Aspen is constantly worried about me, but bothering other people on top of that is something else. I don’t know Soren much. All I know is that he is handsome, and a vet, which is such a green flag to me.
Both he and Robin are so nice, and I don’t know that I deserve it.
“For Barkley,” I say tentatively.
“If you… Barkley doesn’t want to call Aspen, for whatever reason, he can reach out to me.”
I give myself a metaphorical kick in the butt and accept his card. It would just be impolite not to. “Thank you.”
“So, breakfast now? Finally?” Soren asks, grabbing a pan and some eggs.
“Yes, I am quite hungry. I will give Barkley his food first.”
“You feed Barkley, and I put something together for us,” he tells me.
I do as he told me, focusing on Barkley first, who swallows his huge portion of food within seconds before dropping down again and falling asleep. Seems like as long as food and cuddles are coming, he will be happy.
Soren and I have just started to eat when I hear the creak of the door. Barkley is too lazy to move, but wags his tail. “Aspen?” I call out.
“Yes, it’s me.” My brother peeks into the room, blinking in surprise when he sees Soren. “I didn’t expect you here,” he says.
“Oh, I just helped Leo clean up the mess,” he says lightly.
I can’t help but chuckle.
“Is this a joke I am not getting?” Aspen pretends to be upset, but soon just grins. He pats my head before grabbing a plate. “Did Soren already terrorize you with his jokes?”
“Yes, he is hilarious,” I say.
Aspen almost drops his plate, staring at me like I have lost my mind, while Soren just laughs. “Your brother has better humor than you do,” he teases.
“Clearly, I need to mentor him better,” Aspen says.
Soren just chuckles.
“So, what did you do?” Aspen wants to know.
I hold my breath, not sure what to answer. Half of the morning I spent with a panic attack. Soren beats me to an answer, though. “We went for a walk, then got hungry.”
“Don’t you have work?”
“I am going in later today,” Soren says with a certain tone in his voice. Aspen looks at him for a moment but doesn’t enquire further. Instead, he shovels ham taxes.”
“Ugh, don’t get me started,” Soren sighs. “It’s your first year with full-time employees. Tell me if you need help.”
Aspen turns to me. “Soren is a pro at that type of stuff. Actually, he is good at almost anything aside from jokes.”
I smile. His silly jokes make him more endearing and approachable.
“It’s not that difficult. I just have more routine,” Soren says. “I have had employees for a couple of years now, so I know what to do. And my jokes are hilarious. You just don’t have Leo’s subtle sense of humor.”
“Subtle?” Aspen mimics. “Why don’t skeletons fight? Dramatic pause, everyone. They don’t have guts. That’s the one you told me yesterday. How is that funny?”
I can’t help it, I just have to laugh. Maybe I am borderline hysterical by how I switch moods, and maybe Aspen and Soren think I am losing it, but seeing how a serious and handsome man like Soren isn’t embarrassed to own up to his jokes is so cathartic. I wish I could be more like him. Be myself.
Just that I don’t even know what that means. Maybe I had an identity once, but it got lost, and now I am struggling to even figure out what I want, let alone who I am.
“Do you need help with anything?” I ask Aspen. The thought of having to spend a whole day by myself with nothing to do sends me into a frenzy – and not the good type of it.
“We talked about it yesterday,” Aspen says. “I don’t want you to work yet.”
He says he doesn’t want me to work while we both know I shouldn’t, courtesy of my doctor.
I appreciate it, I really do. Aspen didn’t tell anyone, not even his closest friends, my darkest secrets, giving me the chance to start anew here without anyone knowing my background or my history.
I can tell them on my own terms eventually.
Yet, the thought of being completely useless sends me into a new bout of panic.
“Robin could do with some help,” Soren says. He has been watching me closely; I just hope my face didn’t give away too much.
Aspen looks at him reproachfully, but Soren just wordlessly returns his gaze. They have this silent stare-down, one that makes it feel like they have an entire conversation without words.
“What’s Robin doing today?” I push.
“He is driving to East Sunhaven,” Soren answers. Again, he and Aspen exchange a gaze, this time bordering more towards a glare.
“The lame town?”
At that, both Aspen and Soren burst out into laughter.
“Yes, the lame town,” Soren chuckles. “I see, Robin has corrupted you. They will love you here in West Sunhaven with that attitude. This town is weirdly competitive.”
“But you work in both?”
“I work in the whole area,” he explains. “We are just two vets here, and we have established a system that one of us is always available.”
I gaze at Aspen, noticing how he chews on a slice of bread, still looking conflicted.
“Aspen, let me do something,” I say quietly.
“I know you just want to protect me. I promise I won’t do anything…
” My voice trails off like usual when I am trying to voice something difficult.
I hate it. I didn’t use to be like that.
While I always had difficulties standing up for myself or handling conflicts, I was able to voice my feelings and wishes.
Soren nods encouragingly at me before tearing his gaze away and pretending to be busy looking at his phone.
“I promise I won’t do anything stressful. Nothing that will push me too much.”
Aspen looks gloomy. “I am sorry, I am probably a little too overbearing right now.”
“Nah, it’s okay, but let me do something, please,” I say, slowly finding my footing in this talk. This is just Aspen, my brother! No need to chicken out. “It doesn’t need to be work, just anything.”
“Robin goes Christmas decoration shopping to East Sunhaven,” he says.
I perk up. “Oh?”
“For the coffee shop & library,” Aspen continues.
“Someone needs to keep an eye on him,” Soren grins. “Or the coffee shop will be crowded by pink unicorns again, like last year.”
“For real,” Aspen groans.
“Can I take Barkley along?” I ask Soren.
He nods. “He loves driving. He just wants to be with his human, and people here are used to dogs. He is pretty much welcomed anywhere.”
“Good.” I nudge Aspen. “Send me a list. I can make sure that we get everything.”
Aspen takes his phone, typing something. “You should have gotten it by now.”
I gaze at my phone, noting the incoming message with the list attached to it. At the same time, my gaze falls on Soren’s business card. Without overthinking it, for once, I add his number.
Thank you. I type swiftly before putting my phone away.
Soren gazes at his phone and briefly smiles at it. He turns his head towards me and nods.