Chapter 15
fifteen
*LEO*
Barkley chews on the gigantic bone Soren bought for him before we picked him up from Mrs. Bell.
Then the three of us went to have breakfast, before Soren drove off for work.
It seems like Mrs. Bell and Barkley got along well, and she made sure to tell me she is eager to dogsit him again whenever I am staying out the night.
“You were quite popular, huh?” I ask.
Barkley grunts.
“Yeah, I get why. You are the sweetest. I bet Mrs. Bell’s grandkids were giving you cuddles for hours.”
Barkley stretches.
“Hm, Soren? Well, Soren can’t visit us this evening, and he won’t be home tomorrow morning either.” I sigh. “I miss him too. I know it’s silly.”
Barkley yawns.
“It’s not? Thank you for validating my feelings.”
With the bone in his mouth, Barkley turns onto his back, stretching his legs away. He looks cute and silly at the same time. I could cuddle him all day, and I wouldn’t get tired of him.
“Well, time to get some stuff ready for Aspen,” I say. “I have hand-drawn most of what I envisioned for his shop.” I look at Barkley. “Yeah, I know, it would be so much easier and faster to do it with my tablet and the apps I have there, but…” My voice trails off. “Maybe I should…?”
Barkley grunts and turns his head slightly to look at me.
Maybe I should give it a try. I am feeling better now, much better than a month ago, much better than two weeks ago, and even much better than just two days ago.
Maybe I am ready.
I get up, walking towards the wardrobe where I stored my bag.
My notebook and tablet are still in it. Even looking at the bag now makes my heart race and cold sweat break out.
But I could draw a logo with my tablet, so easily.
Aspen needs a logo; it would be great for his business, and it’s something I am good at. I did it a hundred times.
No biggie.
Time to tackle it. Without further ado, I take my tablet and toss the bag with the notebook back into the corner. Taking one item alone has already taken a lot of willpower; I am not going to deal with all of it at once.
But I am fine.
I am okay.
The tablet weighs heavily in my hands as if it’s a rock, while I repeat over and over again that I am okay, that I can do this. I can barely hear or see anything else while I target the small table in the living room, almost stumbling over Barkley while doing so.
I am fine.
Nothing is wrong.
I attach the tablet to a charger and switch it on.
I am fine.
The graphic pen I used to draw with is still in mint condition, actually, all of it is. It was a brand-new purchase, before—
I feel my chest tightening the moment my thoughts go back to what happened not so long ago, and how my life was suddenly in shambles.
Cold sweat breaks out, my hands shivering so much that I almost drop the tablet.
It’s just a logo. I want to draw a logo for my brother, for Aspen and for his coffee shop.
It’s for a person I feel comfortable with, and for a place I love to be at.
My positive feelings should outweigh everything else.
Why don’t they? Why am I still like this?
The cold hand grips my heart again, the pressure on my chest so strong it makes it difficult to breathe. I drop the tablet and clutch my chest.
Breathe… breathe… fucking breathe…
I know how to do that. I have practiced this.
I know—
I always knew he was trouble.
He pretended to be nice, then this…
You are not my son anymore.
I grab my phone and dial the first number that comes up. There are only a very few people saved there anyway, so I should be safe with whoever I just called. For a while, there is nothing. Then a voice, calm at first, before it calls my name with more insistence.
Then there is silence.
Something wet tickles my nose, startling me awake.
“Stop drooling on him, Barkley,” someone says.
“Fuck!” I groan. “My head.”
“Slowly, take deep breaths, don’t move too fast.”
I blink my eyes open, noticing my brother. “Aspen?”
“Yes, it’s me.” He steadies me with his arm and helps me into a sitting position. Looking around, I notice that I am lying on my sofa.
“What…”
“Something to drink first,” Aspen says, hurrying through the apartment to fetch some orange juice for me. He is back with a glass full of it and forces me to drink it, sip by sip.
The room stops spinning around me. My head still aches, but the pain is duller than before. “I am okay,” I mutter.
“Thank God,” Aspen sighs, dropping down next to me and pulling me into his arms. My face squishes into his chest, knocking the air out of me again.
I pat his arm, and he loosens his grip. “You are too strong,” I complain.
“Sorry, just had the shock of a lifetime,” Aspen says. “It almost felt like…” His voice trails off.
“When I was still in the city and you came looking for me,” I finish for him. “I am sorry. I know you must have been terrified.”
“I don’t want you to apologize,” he says. “I shouldn’t have mentioned it.”
“You saved my life back then,” I say quietly. “I know, you know, and I know that you know.”
“I… I just had a feeling back then,” he mutters.
“You stopped taking my calls, you stopped answering altogether. I heard nothing from you, and the two old friends I still had there weren’t able to reach out to you either.
That’s when I decided, fuck it! Robin took over the shop, and I booked a flight for the same day,” he explains.
“I didn’t know that,” I admit. “Honestly, I didn’t even know how much time had passed.
I was just… existing. I didn’t eat or do anything.
And I think… if you hadn’t come… I…” I pause, not sure how to continue.
“I am not suicidal anymore,” I tell him instead.
“I like it here. I like living close to you, I like this quirky town, I like Robin, I like having Barkley, I like the mountains and the snow, and the way the air smells. I like your coffee shop and Robin’s library, and obviously, I am in love with Soren.
” I pause. “It’s because of all that, I thought I was ready, you know? ”
“What did you want to do?” he asks me.
“I wanted to draw a logo for you and make some interior designs. I did them by hand first, but then I thought… I could try doing it on my tablet again. It’s faster and a more professional approach.” I pause. “I thought I was ready,” I repeat.
“Leo,” he says sadly.
“I kind of slipped into a panic attack,” I admit. “And didn’t find a way out of it again.”
“Then you called Soren,” Aspen says.
“I did? Right… I dialed a number.”
“Soren didn’t have much signal, but coincidentally was at a place on the farm where he could take your call.
You didn’t say anything. He called me immediately afterwards, completely panicked, and I came running here.
And before you ask, yes, I informed him that you are alright, and I also stopped him from coming here immediately.
” He pauses. “Not sure if I was successful with the latter, though.”
“Fuck,” I groan. “I didn’t want to bother anyone.”
“You didn’t,” Aspen exclaims. “Fuck, Leo, I am so proud of you that you reached out to someone when you realized you needed help. That’s such a huge progress from before.
You have people here who care for you. You have me and Soren, and Mrs. Bell, and Robin, and I am sure the longer you stay, the more people will be added to the list.”
“I just wanted to design something,” I say quietly. “Nothing more. I was so happy after our night out, I thought, maybe…”
“You will be ready eventually,” Aspen says. “You have made a shit ton of progress in a couple of weeks already. When I picked you up from that shithole back then, you were just a shadow of yourself, but you are so much better now.”
“I am,” I say, a little surprised, myself, at the revelation, because it feels true. “I am, aren’t I?”
“You are,” he reassures me. “And I am sure you will be able to use your tablet and notebook again. Just give it a little more time. The fact that you wanted to give it a try at all is already a huge improvement, don’t you think so?”
“Maybe, but it doesn’t feel like it.”
“Leo, you know that nothing that happened was your fault, don’t you?” Aspen pushes. “Rationally, you know it. You know you were falsely accused and that person used you as a scapegoat. You did nothing wrong. Even if you aren’t quite there yet emotionally, can you at least rationally agree?”
I feel the usual twinge in my chest, my stomach convulsing. Taking a few steady breaths, I allow Aspen’s words to sink in. “I do know it, but I can’t feel it quite yet.”
He looks relieved. “I think that as long as you know it logically, your emotions will follow too.”
“It just takes time, huh?” I mutter. “I wish it would work faster.”
Aspen is quiet for a while. “You wanted to design something for me?”
“Yes. But I only managed to draw some things by hand.”
“Do you want to show me?”
I perk up. “Wait, you are interested in seeing it?”
“That’s what we wanted to meet for today, right?” he asks.
“I thought you were just indulging me.”
Aspen groans. “Leo, I never had the shop as well decorated as this year. If you have more ideas, I genuinely want to see them. As your big bro, of course I indulge you, but as a businessman, I want to push my business too.”
“Do you want to see it now?” I ask.
“Are you up for it?”
“Yes!”
Aspen smiles while I dash off to gather the plans I made. He is indulging me right now, so even more reason to make sure I present him with some good ideas.