Chapter 18
eighteen
*LEO*
We have done everything on our to-do list, did some shopping and visited some of Soren’s patients. The latter was the highlight of the day for me. Soren introduced me everywhere as his boyfriend and was not embarrassed to show me off.
I am amazed by how welcoming this town is. There was one older farmer we visited, who didn’t look too thrilled, but was still kind to me. I assume he truly respects Soren’s work and help, and hence also respects his life choices.
One of his clients has a small alpaca farm with a tiny alpaca baby named Snowflake just having been born. It was the most adorable thing ever. Now, obviously, I am obsessed with alpacas.
“One day I want an alpaca.”
Soren hides his face behind his hand and laughs. “I knew you would say that. You were obsessed with Snowflake.”
“She is the cutest!” I beam. “Actually, all of them were. They just have those silly, yet adorable faces.” Barkley seems not to like me talking about another pet, because he instantly comes trotting towards me and shoves his gigantic head against my arm.
I make sure to cuddle him immediately. “Don’t worry, you are still the bestest boy with the scrunchiest, cutest face. ”
Soren laughs even more. “Okay, maybe one day we will get you an alpaca.”
Butterflies chase through my stomach like every time he hints at a potential future together.
I haven’t known him for long, but there is no denying that I fell completely in love with him.
He and his silly little jokes and his quirky pajamas, his serious expression when he is worried, and how passionate he is about his job and his hobbies.
My phone signals an incoming message. “Robin,” I mutter, confused when I open the message.
Hey, you free tonight? Just for a chat…
Then a second message.
I know you are going on a hike tomorrow. You are probably with Soren.
Then a third.
Sorry, forget that I asked.
“Everything alright?” Soren asks.
“I am not sure,” I say, before re-reading the messages again.
If I have learned one thing about Robin, it’s that he writes like he talks, and adds lots of emojis to his texts.
These three don’t even have a single one.
I contemplate showing the message to Soren, but Robin wrote to me, and I don’t want to break his trust. He could have written Aspen or Soren, his best friends, but he didn’t.
Maybe there is a reason for that, something he doesn’t want to share with them.
“You think he isn’t okay,” Soren analyzes. “When was the last time you saw him?”
“During our night out,” I say. “He was fine there… I don’t know, Soren, does it sound weird when I say his messages just sound like he is sad?”
“Okay, suggestion.” Soren pulls me into his arms until I sit down on his lap and straddle him. I immediately wrap my arms around his neck. “You go and meet Robin—"
“But I promised you we’d go for dinner,” I mutter. I hate leaving him hanging and going back on my word, but I also would hate to leave Robin hanging.
“It’s about priorities,” Soren says. “I am happy you consider me one, but sometimes if things happen, it’s important to prioritize friends or family or even work.”
It’s so simple when he says it. “You are right,” I say. “I don’t know why I always immediately slip into this guilty state of mind. It’s like whenever I need to make a decision that could potentially hurt somebody, I freeze.”
“But I am not hurt,” he reassures me. “Robin is my friend too, and if he has problems, I am glad he can share them with someone. I am happy he trusts you. I think…” His voice trails off.
“You think?”
“I think he sometimes has difficulties connecting with Aspen and me, or maybe it’s more complicated than that. Maybe it’s just in his head, but that’s obviously how he feels. He has been over the moon ever since you arrived here, and you two started connecting.”
“He told me the same,” I admit. “And I am worried now.” I groan in frustration. “I really have a tendency to avoid conflict. It terrifies me. I hate being a people pleaser.”
“Okay, let’s make a deal,” Soren says. “If I ever feel you ditch me or don’t prioritize me enough, I will tell you.
And you promise me you will do the same.
You will soon start working again, here for the town, and I am sure they will want more and more from you.
That’s amazing. It means we will need to keep an eye on our schedules and make time for each other, but also to make time for our friends. ”
“I had a friend in college who ditched me the moment he had a girlfriend,” I admit. “I hated it!”
He scrunches his nose. “That happened to me, too.”
“So, balance, huh?”
“Yes.” He kisses the tip of my nose. “I will go home now and prepare everything else we need. My truck is at home, and I want to pack it properly. I couldn’t have stayed the night anyway.” He winks. “Though the plan was to take you home with me.”
“You just had to tease me with that now, didn’t you?” I grind against him, laughing when he smacks my ass. Jumping down from his lap, I wink at him in return. “Keep the thought.”
Soren’s lips curl into his infamous smirk that makes my insides churn in anticipation. “I will.”
“Boooooh!”
I look up, right into the annoyed face of Robin’s ostrich. “No, you know you aren’t allowed to have anything from our Chinese food.”
“Keep staying firm,” Robin calls out from his kitchen.
The ostrich glares at me while my awesome gigantic furball just lies next to me and doesn’t notice I am getting threatened. I bet, in an emergency, I would need to protect him instead of the other way round.
“Francesco,” Robin frowns while he returns to the room and brings two cups of soda with him. “Leave Leo alone.”
“Pok! Booh!”
I grin. Seems like I am not the only one conversing with my pet. It’s hilarious to watch Robin argue with his ostrich, especially with the grumpy expression of the latter. Eventually, Francesco is happy with some seeds and green leaves Robin bribes him with and leaves us alone.
“Had I known, I wouldn’t have brought food,” I chuckle.
“I am actually very happy you did,” Robin says. “I haven’t eaten much. Didn’t even notice how hungry I was.”
“And I was surprised to stumble over this little Chinese restaurant.”
“It’s actually one of my favorite go-toes for soulfood,” Robin says while shoveling rice onto his plate. “You were actually supposed to be out with Soren, weren’t you?” He glances at me, his cheeks reddening. “I am sorry, I hijacked your date.”
“You didn’t,” I say. “Soren and I only had loose plans, but friends are important too.”
Robin looks happy at my words. “Thank you.”
“Are you okay, Robin?”
“I don’t know,” he says, and somehow his answer really resonates with me.
A lot of the time, I don’t know if I am okay either.
It’s weird not to be able to pinpoint your own feelings.
“I feel off,” he admits. “I know it sounds weird. You probably think I am a nutcase for calling you out to meet me because I feel weird.”
“No, I don’t think it sounds weird,” I say. “I know the feeling. Sometimes you just feel off, but can’t really voice why. I have had that too… a lot.”
“Now you don’t anymore?”
“Just occasionally,” I admit. “I… ever since I moved here, it’s gotten much better.” I pause. “There is something that makes you unhappy, isn’t there?”
“Maybe,” he mutters. “I think it’s been there for a while, but I can’t talk to Soren or Aspen about it.”
Just like Soren guessed. “I can listen,” I say quietly.
“Will you tell Soren about it?”
“No. I didn’t show him your messages either, just told him that I had a feeling something felt off. He respects your privacy, Robin. He told me as much.”
Robin chews on his food. “I met the guy,” he finally says.
“Oh, the one who was hitting on you in the club?”
“Yes.”
“And?”
“We hooked up,” Robin says.
“Okay.” I eye him carefully, not sure what upsets him. “Don’t tell me he wasn’t nice to you? Did he… did he do something?”
“No,” Robin hurries to reassure me. “He was very kind. He was actually perfect. Totally my type too, and with a sweet personality. Plus, good in bed, and he didn’t even mind Francesco, although Francesco tried to poke his face.”
I furrow my brows, reaching out to take Robin’s hand. “He sounds like a good guy, but… there is a problem, isn’t there?”
Tears fill Robin’s eyes. “Why am I like this?” he blurts out. “The moment I meet a guy who could be it, something in me stops me from committing. I am just absolutely terrified then.”
“Robin,” I say quietly. “Do you want a relationship? Is this something you want? Because if you don’t, that’s fine too. You don’t need to push yourself into something.”
“I want it,” he mutters. “I hate being alone, and I want to have a loving relationship so badly. But something just stops me whenever I could have it. It’s pathetic, isn’t it?”
“Not at all,” I say. “But is there a reason for it? Were you hurt in the past or… was your parents’ relationship,” I pause, scrunching my nose. “Sorry, now I sound like a therapist.”
“No,” he says. “I am just glad I can talk to somebody about it. I… I think I never really got over my first love.” He pauses, while I patiently wait for him to continue. “I am not sure I can talk about it yet,” he finally says.
“That’s okay,” I reassure him. “But if you are ready to talk, you can always reach out to me. And as for the guy interested in you… Obviously, you shouldn’t force yourself into something, but have you considered just going slow with him?
Go on a couple of dates, get to know him, and just see if it leads somewhere? ”
“I guess I could do that,” he mutters.
“Did you talk to him about this? About you needing a bit more time?”
His cheeks flush. “Not really,” he admits. “I have been ghosting him since yesterday.”
I narrow my eyes. “Robin, he can’t read your mind. Here—" I grab his phone and hand it to him. “We can think about how to write to him.”
“I should just text him about my issue?” he blinks.
“You can text him and say, things are progressing too fast for you, and that you need to tone it down a little, and get to know him better,” I say. “Wouldn’t that be better than just ghosting him?”
“What if he thinks I am stupid?”
“That’s his problem then, but at least you give him a chance to act. Maybe he will want to get to know you, too? You don’t even know what he wants, and he certainly can’t read your mind either.”
“Okay.” Robin grabs his phone, looking at me through hopeful eyes. “So, what am I going to text him now? Help!”
When did I turn into somebody giving relationship advice? Soren is literally my first steady relationship, but I guess this is one area of my life that I don’t feel incredibly insecure about. I had no issues committing to Soren once I got a hold of my self-doubt.
While I help Robin come up with a message, I can’t help but think about what he just told me. He had a first love he can’t get over. I guess he was hurt and couldn’t let go. Something is still holding him back from committing to anybody else.
Once done with his message, Robin looks a bit lighter. For the remainder of the evening, he slowly returns to his cheerful self.