Chapter 20
twenty
*SOREN*
At first, I believed that Leo was just indulging me because that’s the type of person he is. He is kind and loyal, and wants to make those around him happy. Even when he feels bad, he still thinks about Aspen, Robin and me.
I didn’t want to force him into hiking. When I took him on the first hike, it was mostly to get him to enjoy the outside scenery, to get some sun and fresh air. I once went through a depressive episode myself, and I know how beneficial it is to be outside.
Now, after our second hike, I am beginning to hope that Leo truly enjoys it.
“In summer, you have to take me on an actual mountain,” he says. “Can we do that?”
“Of course. There are some beautiful hikes around this area.” There is a niche next to the hut for a bonfire. In summer, it’s great for barbecues, but Leo and I just use it for a romantic moment together. We will have our actual dinner inside. “Leo, can I ask you something?”
“Yes, of course.”
“You truly enjoy going hiking with me, don’t you? I just want you to know that it’s okay if you don’t. You don’t need to force yourself—"
“I don’t,” he interrupts me. “I am not forcing myself. I very much enjoy it.” He grins. “I am a bit surprised myself. I am not really an overall active person, but my body and mind always feel amazing when I am outside like this.”
My head perks up at his words. “Babe, I am really happy that you are enjoying your time.”
Leo looks at me. He is smiling, but there is a thoughtful expression on his face.
“What’s on your mind, Leo?”
“Nothing in particular,” he says. “I was just thinking.”
“Do you want to share it?”
“I am not sure. It’s not that deep. Just…” He pauses. “You will be mad.”
“I doubt that’s true,” I say.
Leo hands me a cup of steaming hot tea before sitting down at one of the benches in front of the bonfire.
It’s cold around us, but the fire provides comfortable warmth.
I brought blankets for us, and Leo has spread one over his lap.
Meanwhile, Barkley is sleeping inside, sprawled out on the floor of the small living room.
“I give you a lot of reason to worry, I know,” Leo says.
“Is that so?” I blink. “I think it’s normal to worry about someone”—you love—“about somebody who is important to you.”
“I know,” he frowns. “But you are always worrying if I like something even if I willingly participate in it.” He pauses. “I am sorry, I don’t know how to say it. Bad experience?”
I am stunned at how perceptive he is. I thought I was hiding my insecurities pretty well. “That obvious?”
“Not really,” he says. “And I know I give you a lot of reasons to worry. But I just got that feeling when you asked me if I truly enjoyed hiking.”
“My ex,” I say. “The only other actual relationship I had before you, the guy kept saying I was too pushy and that he didn’t like my hobbies much, but felt he needed to participate.
I never noticed he felt like that, and I would never knowingly push anyone into doing something they don’t want to.
I have been hiking my whole life, and I don’t mind doing it on my own.
Of course, I love that you join me, but it’s also okay if you won’t. ”
“You are not pushy at all,” he says bluntly.
“Not sure where your ex got that from or if you were another person back then, but to me it feels like you are always putting my wishes first.” He grins, poking my cheek.
“We just need to be careful that you don’t do that too much or you will get the short end of the stick all the time. ”
I chuckle. “Now you are the one thinking too much.”
“Two overthinkers, huh?”
“It really seems like it.”
I put my cup to the side and reach for Leo. He follows my lead, putting his cup on the ground before slipping closer and straddling my hips. In the light of the fire, he looks mesmerizing, like he is glowing.
For the longest time, we just look at each other, then almost in slow motion, Leo takes off his sweater and then his shirt. His skin is warm and soft from the bath he took. So beautiful. I let my hands brush over his back, trying to feel every part of his skin.
Leo smiles, leaning his forehead against the top of my head.
The fire behind us crackles slightly, and one of the logs drops down, a flash of sparks exploding around it.
It’s a magical view. Then another log drops.
I don’t know where or how, it was probably Barkley, but inside the hut, I hear something drop onto the ground with a loud clunk. Then a door falls shut loudly.
What a funny chain reaction.
Leo clasps his chest. It’s only then that I notice he has gone completely still. “Leo?!”
He is panting, close to hyperventilating. “Okay, Leo.” I grab the blanket, making sure to wrap it around him. I am not sure what triggered him, and if skin contact is making it better or worse. The safer choice is clearly the blanket. “Barkley! Come here.”
I rub Leo’s arms. “Take deep breaths, Leo. I am here with you; you are safe. It’s me, Soren. It’s only us.”
Barkley comes trotting outside, his huge head pushing the door open. It must have been the one that closed earlier. Then he comes closer, resting his snout against Leo’s leg.
I grab Leo’s face. “Can you hear me, Leo?”
He lets out a couple of fast breaths, but nods.
I move one of his arms towards Barkley. The latter always has a grounding, calming effect on Leo. Intuitively, the huge pup responds and snuggles against his favorite human.
I put Leo’s free hand on my chest. “Breathe in with me,” I command. “In…” I make sure to suck in the air loudly so that he can follow. “And out.”
Leo’s eyes seem to zoom in and out. Before he can turn his head away, I grab his chin, forcing him to keep his attention on me. “Stay with me, Leo, please. In and out.”
The minutes drip by in which I am just breathing with him, trying to lead him through the exercise with a steady and calm voice, while inside I am terrified.
“Soren…”
“Oh, thank God, you are with me again!”
“I am so sorry,” Leo breathes out, his whole body shaking. “I… I didn’t know… I had no idea…” A violent shiver goes through his body. “I… I… it’s…” He sounds frustrated. “I can’t even say a straight sentence. I am such a lost cause.”
I wrap him in my arms, cradling him gently.
“You are not,” I say softly. “And for the record, you just said a straight sentence.” I wrap the blanket tighter around him to keep him warm.
I am worried I went too far by hugging him, still not sure what exactly sent him into a panic attack, but to my relief, Leo just snuggles into my embrace.
“The noise suddenly triggered me,” he mutters. “I didn’t expect it.”
“Do you want to tell me about it?” I ask. “If possible, I would like to understand what triggers you, so I can make sure to avoid it.”
“It was nothing you did,” he says quietly. “I know I am gay. I always have been. I have explored my sexuality. You know that. We have done things together, and you know I am not shy. I am not embarrassed to be with you.”
“I know that,” I reassure him.
“This isn’t new. It was just a combination of things.” He pauses. “But yes, I… I do want to tell you.” He swallows thickly before reaching out for his cup of tea.
“It’s cold,” I say. “How about I make us fresh tea? Would you like that?”
He nods tentatively. “Yes, please.”
I make sure to hurry and not let him wait for too long.
I want to hear what he has to say, I want to give him the chance to voice his fears, but I also want him to be comfortable while doing so.
” It only takes me a couple of minutes to grab everything before I hurry outside again.
Leo still sits at the same spot, snuggled into the blanket with Barkley now resting at his feet. He looks much calmer now.
He gazes at me, a smile curling his lips. “You brought marshmallows?”
“I didn’t want our fire to go to waste,” I chuckle.
“I have never had roasted marshmallows before,” he admits, happily accepting a stick with two marshmallows on it and his steaming hot cup of tea.
For a moment, we just sit next to each other in silence, holding our marshmallows into the fire, before Leo clears his throat.
“There is not much to tell,” he mutters, looking at me through begging eyes.
I don’t know what it is he wants me to do, but I reach out my hand, brushing over his cheek with my knuckles.
“Who hurt such a sweet person?”
“I am not sure I am sweet,” he says, venom in his voice. “I am not kind.”
“Aspen says differently.”
“Aspen is delusional.”
I smile. “If you say that again, I will tell him.”
He looks flustered. “It’s just…” A pause. “There really isn’t much to tell. I liked my work, you know?”
“What did you do?”
“I was into graphic design. Actually, art in general.”
“Aspen told us about your work, but I didn’t know you were an actual artist, too. So, you like to design things?”
“I liked it,” he says quietly. “I haven’t been able to hold my graphic pen without a breakdown in months.” He gazes at me as if he is gauging my reaction. What is he expecting to see? My heart sinks. He is probably waiting for me to be disappointed or say something humiliating.
“Like a writer’s block,” I say instead.