28. 2015
Chapter twenty-eight
2015
Maria
T he gavel hits the round wooden disk that sits beside the judge, echoing throughout the empty courtroom. That sound means only one thing.
I am officially no longer married to Nate Connelly.
I'm free.
I peer over at Nate, and he is putting on his winning smile, shaking hands with his lawyer, and then hugging his parents. Followed by a hug and wink for his current girlfriend.
He wasted no time.
After my conversation with my dad a year ago, Amanda got the ball rolling. A week later, while Nate was at work, I packed up my and the kids’ things and moved in with my mom. He came home to a note and divorce papers waiting for him. Along with a sink full of dirty dishes, a trash can that was overflowing and smelled, an unmade bed, a load of his clothes in the washer (no doubt collecting mildew since they had been in there for about forty-eight hours), and a dirty bathroom. Of course, as retaliation, he made sure the entire neighborhood knew it was him who kicked me out. That I was the reason he was miserable. Poor Nate.
Whatever .
The opinion of his friends means nothing to me. Not anymore.
As I stand here, lots of feelings wash over me. Sadness at the end of a marriage I tried hard to be perfect at. Anger that Nate forced this by not being able to keep his hands to himself. Bitterness toward him, which I don’t think will ever really go away.
A sense of loss, because even though he was who he was, a small part of me loved him.
But mostly relief that this is over and an immense amount of pride in myself. For being brave enough to put myself and my children first. To stand up for me. Probably for the first time in my whole life.
I’m free.
But the new me is now a single mom of two and a divorced forty-year-old woman who now has to start fresh.
Thanks to Amanda and Elias, I have been able to accomplish exactly that. They have helped me in so many ways. And for that reason, I tear my eyes away from my past and turn to my friends, hugging them both.
“Thank you for everything,” I say as I wrap my arms around my best friend.
“Anytime.” Amanda pulls back and smiles sweetly at me. I turn my attention to Elias. He brings me in for a hug as well. We break apart, and I see him grab Amanda’s hand as they lace their fingers together.
“So, what’s next for you?” he asks. I shrug as I watch Nate leave the courtroom, his arm slung over his girlfriend’s shoulder. The way he would always do with me. Nate and his family didn’t so much as give me a second glance.
Good riddance.
“Well, right now, I’m going to pick my kids up from my mom’s, grab some pizza, and watch a movie back at the condo.”
My condo. The first home that is truly mine. I haven’t vacuumed the carpet in over a week, there’s a layer of dust on just about every surface, and dried toothpaste on the bathroom sink.
It’s unbelievably liberating. “You sure you don’t want to get some dinner with us? We can celebrate,” Amanda singsongs.
“No, I’m good. I really just want to be alone with my kids tonight. ”
“Okay, call me tomorrow, though.” I smile as she kisses me on the cheek. We say our goodbyes, and I watch her and Elias walk hand in hand out of the courtroom. Right before the doors close, they sneak a quick peck on the lips, and a desire swells in my chest.
I want that.
I need that.
A love where you can sneak secret hand holds, longing glances, and kisses as a way to tell the other person, ‘I’m here. I got you.’
I had that once.
As with everything in my life, my thoughts always seem to drift to Sam. I’m sure he’s married or with someone by now, happy. Which, if that’s the case, I’m happy for him.
I gather up my purse and coat and walk toward the doors, eager to open them. My new life waiting on the other side.
I push the grocery cart to the meat case and stop in front of the chicken. I sent Brielle and Mason off to the cereal aisle to pick what they want for the week. Knowing my kids, they will have Cinnamon Toast Crunch and Lucky Charms in their hands.
“Maria? Is that you?” The deep male voice is coming from beside me. I turn and see Sam’s best friend, Ricky, smiling back at me.
“Ricky, hi! Yep, it’s me.” I come from around my cart, and we embrace in front of the pork chops.
He squeezes me tight and shakes us, which causes me to let out a soft chuckle. A surge of deep nostalgia fills my chest as he finally lets go, and I take in the sight of him after all these years.
“It’s so good to see you,” he says, full of sincerity. “It’s been forever. How are you?” Ricky looks exactly how I remember him. Still basketball tall and thin, with the same goofy smile and charisma that always attracted the ladies. He gives me a once-over. “You look fantastic.” And he’s still a shameless flirt .
“Well, thank you,” I giggle, a hint of embarrassment coloring my cheeks as his compliment reminds me of how long it has been since a man has noticed me. “I’ve been good. Better than I have in a really long time, actually.”
“Well, that sounds like a story waiting to be told.” His voice is filled with intrigue.
“Nothing to tell. I just got divorced.”
His eyes droop in sadness. “Oh, I’m sorry. That must have been hard.”
“Oh, trust me, I’m not. It’s hands down the best decision I have ever made.”
“Well … then, good for you!” He nudges me in the arm, and a genuine smile comes across his face.
“How about you?” I nudge him back. “Anyone special in your life?”
His laughter fills this corner of the store, causing me to snicker in return. “Me? Gosh, no. You know I will always be the constant bachelor. Best life ever.”
A snicker escapes me effortlessly, as I expected nothing less than this. After a few beats, a thought pops into my head. Should I ask him about Sam? Are they still in touch? Is it a good idea to ask?
Then I remind myself. I am the new Maria who doesn’t back down, and I conquer my fears. So I muster up the courage, curiosity hanging on my tongue, bursting to come out.
“So, do you still keep in touch with Sam? How is he these days?” The question comes out shakier than I wanted. So much for trying to exude confidence.
He pauses and doesn’t answer right away, shifting on his feet. I can tell he is trying to gather his thoughts, probably deciding what to share and what not to share about our mutual friend. And the love of my life, the one that got away. Whatever he is. Or was.
He smiles, hesitant and unsure. “I do, actually. Sam is great. He moved back home, just last month.”
With this new information, my face feels hot, and butterflies erupt in my stomach. Sam being in the same city as me is creating a whirlwind of thoughts and emotions, but I have to keep my cool.
“That’s great. I’m glad to hear it. Please tell him I said hello,” I squeak out, sounding like a hyena .
Nice to know that even the thought of Sam still gets me tongue-tied.
He gives me a quizzical look, and then the same flirtatious Ricky grin appears. “I will. It was nice to see you again, Maria. Take care of yourself.” He offers me a soft wave as he wheels his grocery cart away.
“You as well.” I glance over my shoulder and watch him turn down the soup aisle.
As I refocus on the chicken, my knees almost give out. The thought of Sam being this close to me for the first time since our walk in the park is doing crazy things to my head. I replay my conversation with Ricky, and I realize he didn’t mention Sam’s relationship status.
A glimmer of hope stirs inside of me, but I can’t get excited. He could be with someone.
I shove aside thoughts of Sam as I see my kids approaching with their hands full of cereal boxes. They drop them into the cart. “Seriously, guys?”
“Yes, seriously,” Mason quips. “I’m a growing boy.” I raise my eyebrows at him as I pick up some chicken breast and toss it in.
“Mom, who was that guy you were talking to?” Brielle asks, her lips pursed together.
“Oh, that was Ricky. Just someone I went to high school with.”
“You’re not going to date him, are you?” She crosses her arms over her chest and crinkles her nose. “You were giggling an awful lot.”
“What?! Ricky?” I scoff at the thought. “God, no. He’s the biggest player ever.”
Brielle unfolds her arms as her shoulders relax. “Okay, good. Because I don’t need a new stepdad right now.” My eyebrows raise at her confession.
“Me either,” Mason chimes in. “Come on, Brielle, let’s go get some cookies.”
With that, both of my kids race off to buy some more junk food, leaving me with my thoughts.
Whether Sam and I reconnect or I find someone else, one thing remains unmistakably clear .
I may be focusing on my own happiness for the first time in my life, but I know that this isn’t just about me. Brielle, Mason, and I are a package deal. A team.
A sobering thought, for sure.
The exchange with Ricky and the mention of Sam causes me to think of the last email he wrote me. I try to recall it to mind as I compare bacon prices. It was so final. But it was his words at the end that I never forgot. About finding happiness and standing up for myself.
I know he would be proud of me.
If only he knew.