FORTY-ONE
CHAPTER
“Boxes, as far as the eye can see,” I muttered, standing in the middle of my living room. I puffed a lock of hair that had fallen out of my ponytail. “I hate moving.”
But I loved whom I was moving to.
I smiled and went to my kitchen. I wrinkled my nose as it seemed like my entire kitchen had been drenched in orange juice. In the bowl on the counter was one lone orange that had gone bad—a fuzzy bruise of green and purple on its side.
“Just you making all this stink?”
I chucked the orange in the trash and checked my calendar, taped to the fridge. Only four days left before I flew back to Las Vegas for good. Four days until I had to say goodbye to Yvonne.
That’s going to hurt.
Four days and then Theo and I could begin to build life together.
I smiled at that and at the gold star marked on another day.
Much to the joy and celebration of the Olsens, I signed the Sony contract without a tour addendum.
A little thrill—an echo of the first big thrill—shot down my spine to think about it.
I was on the brink of having the career I’d always envisioned, without a grueling tour to keep me on the road, or alcohol to make it bearable.
I cocked my head at the calendar, a niggling feeling telling me something was missing. I double-checked what I’d written there.
A reminder to take cable and power services out of my name. The day we’d probably going to close escrow. A going away party with friends at Le Chacal. Nothing out of the ordinary.
Where are my little red X’s?
Since I was a teenager, I’d kept track of my period by marking a calendar with red pen. Now, I tore the calendar off the fridge and flipped it back a page. I gaped at what I saw. The last red X was almost a month and a half ago.
I felt the color drain from my face. I’d been so busy and so much had happened I’d completely lost track.
“Oh, shit.”
I can smell everything. How long had that been happening?
“Oh. Shit.”
I woke up feeling nauseated yesterday but chalked it up to nerves from all these Big Somethings in my life happening one after the other.
This might be a Big Something. The biggest Big Something of all.
I swiveled around and went to the kitchen window and threw it open so hard it slammed in its frame.
“Yvonne!”
“Yeah, honey?”
“I’m late.”
“For what?”
“Yvonne,” I said, gripping the ledge. “I’m late. ”
My friend appeared at her window like a target at a shooting range. “How late is late?”
“A lot. Three weeks.”
“Oh, shit.”
I nodded vaguely. “My thoughts exactly.”
An hour later, I brought three different brands of pregnancy tests into the bathroom, took all three, and then sat on the couch clutching Yvonne’s hands for ten agonizing minutes. The timer I’d set on my phone went off and we both jumped.
“Okay here I go.”
I started to get up. Sat back down.
“Almost made it,” Yvonne observed.
I gnawed my lower lip. “I’m scared.”
“That it might be positive, honey?”
“Yes. And no.” I clutched her hands tighter.
“I don’t know. I hope it’s negative, because— shit , am I ready?
I’m not ready. I don’t think I’m ready. I can’t even remember to take a damn pill every morning.
But then I imagined it’s a negative…” I shook my head.
“That makes me a little bit sad. Or maybe… a lot sad, actually.” I looked up at her.
“But how can it be negative? I’m three weeks late. ”
“Breathe, baby, breathe,” Yvonne said. “You want me to look?”
I looked up at her. “Would you?”
“I’m a nurse, honey. I give news like this all the time. I’ll be extremely professional no matter the results. Okay?”
I nodded and gnawed my thumb as Yvonne went into the bathroom. She came back out holding the three pregnancy tests, their results windows obscured under her hand. Her face was unreadable as stone.
She stood over me. “Kacey Dawson…”
“Oh, God, what…?”
“You…”
Yvonne dropped one test in my lap.
“Are…”
She dropped another.
“Pregnant.”
She dropped the last one and then let out a loud cry and began jumping up and down. “Oh my God, girl, you’re pregnant!”
“Yvonne,” I half cried, half laughed, pregnancy tests rolling around my lap. “That’s professional? I peed on these.”
She crowded onto the couch next to me and we examined the tests: one had a plus sign, the other had two lines, and one flat-out said ‘pregnant’ on the screen.
“Oh my God.” I grabbed at my friend to keep from sliding off the couch from the bizarre concoction of utter fear and complete euphoria that stole my strength. “I’m going to have a baby. I’m going to have Teddy’s baby.”
“You sure are, sweetheart. How do you think he’s going to react?” She made a stern face, laughter in her eyes. “If he’s not overjoyed, I can reintroduce him to my baseball bat.”
“I don’t know, but I think…I think he’s going to be exactly that. Overjoyed.”
Yvonne gave me a hug. “I think so too.”
She and I hugged a little more, cried a little more, and after she went home, I curled up on the couch, running my hand in a circle over my stomach. I thought about Teddy and me, and how our universe just got a little bit bigger.
I said goodbye to everyone two days later. Grant and Phoebe, Big E and Yvonne took me to the airport.
“I feel like Dorothy going back to Oz,” I said, pulling the Olsens in close.
“You can’t get rid of us that easily,” Grant said, his eyes a little misty.
“Yeah, you’re contractually bonded to us,” Phoebe said, hugging me so tight my nose was squashed against her bony shoulder. “For life. For life. ”
“God, you make it sound like a prison sentence,” Grant muttered at her.
I laughed and fell into Big E’s warm embrace. “Thank you,” I whispered against his shirt. “I know your manly man pride can’t hear that but I’m saying it anyway. None of this… none of it would have happened if not for you. No recording contract, no friends, no Teddy…Hell, I might not have made it.”
“You’d have made it,” Big E said. “You’re tougher than you think. Hey.” He tipped my chin. “Don’t be a stranger now. You or Theo.”
I nodded, my tears threatening.
Yvonne.
My tears broke. She held her arms open, and I moved in, held her tight, whispering, “I’m going to miss you most of all.”
She laughed and rocked me side to side. “Oh, baby. Me too. But I’d move halfway across the country for your Teddy too. Sex on a stick .”
We laughed, and I knew that’s what Yvonne planned all along, to make the goodbye bearable.
“What am I going to do without you?” I said, wiping my nose.
“You take care of that baby,” she said. She sniffed and pulled away. “Go on, now, before I change my mind about letting you leave.”
I stepped off the plane, and headed out onto the concourse, wishing Theo could’ve met me at the gate. I used the extra time to rehearse the little speech I’d spent the entire flight preparing, going over and over it in my head, until it was a perfect.
I spotted Theo waiting for me at baggage claim, looking gorgeous in a deep blue henley and jeans. My pulse thundered in my ears.
“Hey, babe,” he said, his smile wide and easy. He wrapped me tight in his arms and gave me a deep kiss. “God, I can’t believe it. You’re here for good. That was our last back and forth flight. How was it?”
“I’m pregnant.”
Theo stared.
“Oh, shit,” I said. “I had a speech, but I saw you and…It’s too fast, isn’t? It’s too fast and maybe the wrong time, right? I mean, you just bought an entire business, and I’m supposed be working on a new album for Sony, for crying out loud, and holy shit, this comes along…”
Theo blinked and looked down at me. “You’re pregnant?”
“I am. It’s crazy, right? Or…maybe not?” I gnawed my lip, trying to read his face. “Maybe it’s…really wonderful?”
He didn’t seem to have heard me past my suave opener.
“You’re pregnant,” he stated, and I saw the words sink in, and spread over his face like a sunrise. His smile…oh God, I’d never seen anything more beautiful.
“You’re really…? You’re going to have a baby? I’m…going to have a baby?”
I wiped a tear with the cuff of my sweater. “Yeah, honey. We are.”
Any doubts about how he might react were tossed to the wind. I let out a little cry as Theo enveloped me in his strong embrace, lifted me, spun me around, and when he kissed me, the salt tears I tasted weren’t mine.
I insisted that we see his parents immediately. It didn’t feel right to spend one more second together and not explain to Beverly about us.
“I’m nervous,” I said as we drove to the house. “I think she’s afraid her memories of Jonah and I together don’t mean what she thought they did. And we’re having a baby. She’s going to feel ambushed.”
Theo nodded, preoccupied with his own thoughts.
I took his hand, pried it off the steering wheel. “Your dad’s going to be proud of you. How can he not?”
“He’ll find a way.”
“You’re not thinking about the baby? Maybe that it’s too soon or…interfering with your plans…?”
Theo stared at me aghast. “God, Kace, no. I’m so happy that you are…that we are.” We’d come to a red light, and he turned in his seat. “I love you.”
“I love you too, but—”
“No, I mean I love you and that’s it. I love you. I love you however you are. No strings or conditions. I love you, and that’s it. Okay?”
I bit back a smile. “Okay.”
Twilight had just begun to fall when we arrived. Beverly opened the door, a careful, guarded look on her face.
“Hey, Ma,” Theo said.
“Theo, dear.” She opened the door wider, and we stepped inside. “Would you care for something to drink?” she asked, moving through the living room toward the kitchen. “Tea, Kacey? I have chamomile.”
“No, thank you.”
We took a seat on the couch, Beverly sat in her overstuffed recliner, her hands in her lap.
“Where’s Dad?” Theo asked.
Beverly sighed. “He’s at the office.”
Theo’s jaw stiffened. “I told him to meet us here. That we wanted to talk to both of you.”
“I know, dear. He heard from someone at the planning commission downtown what you had done. About buying the two shops?”
Theo stood up. “He heard from… He can’t even hear it from me?”
“Teddy, sit down,” I said softly, even though my heart broke for him. I knew that pain that twisted his features. The futility of it.
“I’m sorry, dear,” Beverly said. “He’s so stuck in his ways. He thinks you’re a tremendous artist, I know he does but—”
“But he hates tattoos and so that’s it. My entire life, my career, my fucking dream is just something he can walk away from.”
Theo sat and covered his eyes with one hand, sucked in a steadying breath. “Sorry, Ma. I shouldn’t take it out on you.” He looked to me. “You tell her. I have to get outside. Take a walk.”
I rose to my feet and held him, kissed him. “Come back soon. Love you.”
“Love you too.” He turned and walked out, slamming the door behind him. The house rattled from the force. Then Beverly and I sat in the silence that followed.
“You’re in love,” she said finally. “Is that what you came to tell me?”
I nodded. “Yes.”
“I see.” She wore a sad, perplexed smiled. “I see, but I don’t understand.”
“I hate that you feel this way.”
“What way is that? I wish you’d tell me because I don’t know what to feel. I don’t know what’s real.”
“What do you mean?”
“I’m confused. Instead of feeling happy for you, or him, I just wonder, How can this be?
” Her eyes filled and her lips pressed together for a moment, trying to remain in control.
“My best, happiest memories, the ones that keep me from drowning, are the ones when you made Jonah happy. How you loved him. How he was your everything. Was that true? Or am I a silly old lady clinging to nothing?”
“God, Beverly, I loved Jonah with all I had. It was real. Every moment was real.”
“But now you feel the same for Theo?” She shook her head. “I don’t see how that’s possible. I feel dirty for asking this, but I need to know, Kacey. If Jonah were to walk through that door right now, what would you do?”
“I can’t answer that, Beverly,” I said softly. “Because Jonah can’t walk through that door.”
Beverly wilted in her chair, staring at me with wide, frightened eyes. “I know. I know that but…”
“But you don’t feel it yet,” I said softly.
“I know. I was the same. For months after Jonah died, I cried for him to come back. I pleaded, and screamed, and prayed, and hoped, and nearly drank myself to death, begging for him to come back. I wanted so badly to believe, on some level, it was possible because the alternative was too horrible to contemplate. I jumped at knocks on my door, I flinched when my phone rang. I searched faces in the crowd when I walked, and tricked myself into thinking, sometimes, Jonah was standing right beside me. All I had to do was turn my head and look.”
Beverly nodded “I do that too. Every day. But he’s never there.”
“No,” I said. “He’s not. The doors never opened; the phone never rang with him on the other end.
Eventually, I stopped expecting it. It wasn’t a switch that flipped.
It was a slow, agonizing journey to the moment I realized he was never coming back.
Accepted it. And once I accepted he was gone, I was free.
Not free of the love we had. I’ll carry that with me forever.
I’ll love him forever. But free to start again. A new chapter.”
“With Theo,” she said. “How…?”
“I don’t know,” I said. “Slowly. Over fifteen hundred miles and a thousand phone calls. Neither expected it. Neither pursued it. I had so many dark days when I thought I’d never love again.
But Jonah told me I would. And I have. I just never thought it would be Teddy.
” I smiled. “Only now, I think it couldn’t have been anyone but him. ”
I pushed off the couch, and knelt in front of her, took her shaking hands in mine.
“I’m the luckiest woman in the world to have known the love of two extraordinary men.
And I hope Theo’s happiness can bring you the same joy as Jonah’s did.
He’s your son too. And I love him. It’s different, but then again, I’m different for knowing Jonah.
He showed me what it meant to love someone with your entire being. ”
Beverly raised her head. “And you love Theo.”
“I do,” I said. “I’m completely and utterly in love with Theo. He loves me. And…” I swallowed hard. “We’re going to have a baby.”
She sat back in the chair, staring.
“We didn’t plan for that either, but it happened. We’re both so happy about it and I hope…” Tears welled in my eyes and spilled over. “I hope you can be too.”
Beverly stared a moment more, then clapped her hands to her chest, and began to laugh. Big shaking laughs with tears streaming down her cheeks. She wagged her finger at me, then leaned forward and cupped my face in her hand.
“Oh, sweetheart. Sweet girl, yes, of course I’m happy. It’s the most wonderful thing I’ve ever heard.”
She gathered me to her and held me tight, crying softly. Stroking my hair in a motherly caress I hadn’t felt in years.
A small hope caught flame and flickered in my heart.
My mom might think so too.