FORTY-SEVEN
CHAPTER
I locked up the shop and stared at the front door a moment.
It was mine. I’d been so busy finalizing the details, I hadn’t the time to process it.
I owned this place. It all belonged to me, including the responsibilities.
If a pipe burst, it was my problem. If the electrical blew a fuse, it was my job to fix it.
Inventory, advertising, employee payroll, taxes. All of it.
“Holy fucking shit.”
This is what you signed up for, I thought and gave a little chuckle. I’d always wanted this, but I always thought I’d be doing it alone. Instead, I had an amazing woman standing beside me, believing in me.
And she’s going to have a baby. I’m going to be a father.
“Holy goddamn fucking shit.”
I stood there, smiling like a dope on the sidewalk in front of my own place.
My entire life was opening up, expanding out.
We had baby to prepare for. The grand opening of the shop, Kacey’s music career.
We were building a life together, and it was fucking better than anything I had ever hoped for myself.
I need to get a ring.
Even though my nervous hands nearly dropped the keys, my dopey grin wouldn’t quit.
A ring. What kind of ring? What did she like? What could I afford? And how should I propose. I sucked at romance. Couldn’t I just propose in bed? Was that allowed?
My cell rang as I climbed into the truck, Dena’s number on the display. She was out with Kacey today, scoping potential houses for rent and hitting the mall for some shopping.
“What’s up, Dena?”
“Theo, listen to me,” she said. Her tone was calm, but her voice trembled at the edges. “I’m at Sunrise Hospital with Kacey.”
“What happened?” My blood felt like gasoline someone had set a match to. “What happened? Is she okay? Was there an accident?”
Oh my God, no. This isn’t happening. Not again. I can’t do this again…
“We were coming out of the parking lot, and she doubled over in pain. I don’t know what happened, they haven’t told me any details yet. You need to come. Just get here quick but drive safely.”
I dropped the phone on the passenger seat and threw the truck into drive. It took every bit of my will power to not floor it, to not run red lights, and it felt like I hit every goddamn one.
Hold on, baby, I’m coming.
I screeched into the parking lot in front of the Emergency Room, parked, and ran for the entrance, a refrain in my head pounding along with my steps.
Not again, not again, not again.
I hated Sunrise Hospital. I was here when Jonah was flown in from a hospital in Austin, Texas, after the frantic departure out of Venezuela.
I lived here when he was waiting for a transplant.
I camped out in his room for the early biopsies.
I was on a first-name basis with the staff in the cardiac unit.
The last time I was here was when Jonah slipped away.
I stepped inside the sliding doors and pressed my hand to the wall, suddenly dizzy.
Not again. I can’t do this again. I’m tapped out. I’m…
I forced myself to breathe and pushed off the wall. I strode to the front desk reception where a woman sat typing at a computer.
“Kacey Dawson?” I said, my voice sounding strangled. My goddamn heart was pounding my throat. “She came in a little while ago.”
The nurse pecked lazily at her keyboard as if the fate of the fucking universe wasn’t hanging in the balance.
“Theo.”
I whirled around. Dena was there, her dark eyes bright with fear. I got to her in three long steps, and she rose to meet me, taking my hands in hers.
“She’s in emergency surgery.”
I felt light-headed and cold all over. “What for? Is she all right? Tell me she’s all right.”
Dena shook her head. “I don’t know how she is, but sit down, okay? I need you to sit down.”
I sank into a chair. “What do you think it is?” I said, my eyes fixed on Dena’s, glaring at her hard as if I could will her to say it was nothing, this was only a nightmare and I just needed to wake up.
Not again. God, please, not again. I can’t lose her too. I can’t…
“She was bleeding in the parking lot,” Dena said. “The pain was enough to make her pass out. Theo, I don’t…”
“She was bleeding?” I sat in silence for a moment, trying to process this.
Dena gripped my hand harder. “I don’t know what to say, Theo. I’m sorry. I’m still…kind of in shock.”
I sat back in the seat as if I were being pushed by a huge, heavy weight.
It was crushing my chest, crushing the life out of me.
Time ticked on and on, with no sign or word from anyone who could tell me what the hell was going on.
My parents arrived with Oscar, and I left it to Dena to tell them what she told me.
My mother came to sit next to me. She held my hand, but I didn’t hold back. I sat in the chair, staring at nothing.
If something’s happened to her…If I lose her too…
If I lost Kacey, I was going to lay down on the floor and not get up. I was done. Nothing left. I’d finally reconciled losing my brother. I couldn’t survive losing her too.
“Are you here for Kacey Dawson?” a voice asked.
A doctor stood there, his face grim. Here it was. The moment. In another ten seconds this man was going to tell me how the rest of my life was going to be.
Stand up for her, I told myself. Stand up, one last time.
I found my armor. The old suit of mental chain mail. It was like slipping on an old coat. I stood up and pushed forward on leaden legs, my heart thudding a dull, heavy pang in my chest.
“I’m here for her,” I said.
The doctor was young man, early thirties maybe, with sharp blue eyes behind glasses and tanned skin.
A wimp, my tortured brain declared. No way this guy is going to destroy me. I’ve faced down doctors before and their bad news. I can take this guy.
A pathetic bravado but it was all I had to stem the tide of terror ripping through me.
“I’m Dr. Barron. I’m the head of Obstetrics and Gynecology. I was among the surgery team to assist Ms. Dawson.”
“And?” I said. “How is she?”
“She’s doing well. Stable now. She suffered a ruptured fallopian tube due to an ectopic pregnancy. Are you familiar with the term?”
My brain was hugging doing well and stable and screaming in relief. I nodded and sucked in a breath, tried to listen over the rush of blood in my ears.
“The embryo never made it to her uterus. It implanted in the left fallopian tube and began to grow. The tube then ruptured, which necessitated surgery to fix the rupture and stop the internal bleeding. She’s not out of the woods quite yet, but her prognosis is promising, and her vital signs are strong.
I see nothing to indicate she wouldn’t make a full recovery.
We’ll keep her here a few days, at minimum, to ensure there are no further complications. ”
The doctor’s face took on a grave expression and he looked at me. “Are you her husband?”
“I’m the father,” I said softly. “Was…the father.”
“I’m very sorry,” Dr. Barron said. “Ectopic never has a happy ending. It’s almost unheard of for a fetus to survive tubal implantation.
On the other hand, a ruptured fallopian tube is a serious medical emergency.
At this time, I’m confident Kacey’s going to be fine, and most likely she’ll still be able to have children. ”
She’s going to be fine. I clung to those words like a drowning man in a hurricane. My pulse slowed, anchored down now by the other half of his news.
“Can I see her?”
“She’s being moved from post-surgery to recovery. I’ll have a nurse tell you when she’s ready, though she’ll likely be quite groggy from the anesthesia.”
I sat back down in the chair, my leg jumping.
“I’m so sorry, honey,” my mother said.
I didn’t look at her or anyone else. I kept my gaze fixed on the nurses’ station, following them as they went about their business, inwardly commanding one of them to come and find me and tell me I could see Kacey. So I could tell her the baby was gone.
Goddammit, she’s lost enough.
Finally, one nurse separated herself from the desk and came toward me.
“You can see her now.”
My beautiful girl looked to be asleep as I pulled a chair beside her. Her face was pale against the white pillow. But her eyes fluttered when I took her hand. My chest was filled with a relief so profound, it made me dizzy, even as my heart broke for her. For both of us.
“Hey, baby,” I said, my voice gruff.
Kacey turned her head to me, and smiled a funny, pained smile. I could see the anesthesia was still dragging at her, clouding the usual sharpness in her eyes.
“He says…she’s fine,” Kacey mumbled. “She’s safe. We don’t have to worry…”
“Shh,” I said. She didn’t know. I wouldn’t tell her now. Not while she was half asleep. “Just rest,” I whispered.
I held her hands as she drifted back into sleep.
Staring at the white sheets, listening to the machine that monitored her heart, I felt the weight of it all—the relief, the grief, the guilt she had to suffer another loss.
All of it pressed down on me, cracking my armor, stealing my air.
I felt dizzy with the tempest of emotions that battered me like a hurricane.
I had no Tarot card, no silly toy to shake and give me an answer.
It was too much. So much easier to push it down, lock it all back up. I needed help. I needed my brother…
Kacey’s head moved weakly against the pillow. “Jonah,” she said.
I swallowed hard. “It’s Theo, honey.”
It’s me. Not him. I’m here now. Don’t you remember?
She opened her eyes. They were clearer now, and the corners of her mouth lifted in a funny little smile. Not doped-up but patient. “Jonah says she’s safe.”
Her hand reached up to touch my face.
“Jonah?” I whispered.
“She’s safe with him, Teddy…”
The smile still on her face, she fell asleep again.
I fell asleep with my head on the sheet and woke to Kacey whispering my name.
She was fully awake now, the grief shining in her eyes.
We held each other, her tears falling to stain the hospital sheets.
I felt each one, each shake of her body against mine, like a knife cutting me, leaving scars I’d carry for the rest of my life.
“I’m sorry, Kace,” I said. “I’m sorry you had to go through this. I’m so fucking sorry.”
“Don’t, Teddy. She was ours. Together. Don’t try to take it all. Not this time.” She clutched my hand in hers. “Stay here with me.”
I nodded, let it go on a ragged sigh before it could bury me again. “Okay, baby. I will. I’m here.”
She smiled then, the most heartbreaking sight I’d ever seen, as tears spilled down her cheeks.
“We can’t go back to how it was before. We have to say everything in our hearts.
” She turned her head to me on the pillow.
“I was so happy for this baby. Thinking it could show you how much I love you. I was so afraid you’d never know how much.
How deep it runs. Worried some small part of you would always doubt or wonder. ”
“No,” I said. “I don’t wonder. Or worry. I love you. You’re my fucking world.” I started to come undone again. “You’re my entire world. My …”
“Universe,” Kacey whispered, her fingers brushing my cheek softly. “You’re my universe. I love you, Teddy…”
She sighed then, as if content, her eyes closed. “He was right about everything,” she said. “We have so much love in us. No end to it.”
She slept then, and I held her hand as my tears fell unheeded.
Love had no end. She was infinite. She was a universe, my universe, and I was hers.
Love had no boundaries, no rules, no favorites.
And no limits.