Nineteen
Noa
Today was a new day. I would keep my head on straight about Ransom.
Get my mother’s things boxed up and donated or trashed.
Handle the rest of her details and get closer to leaving Madison.
Preferably to never return. Distance from Ransom was required.
My emotions were all too messed up where he was concerned.
Getting to sleep again last night had been difficult.
I ended up putting in my earbuds and listening to an audiobook that my publisher had sent me.
They wanted me to give them a blurb for the cover when it released.
So far, all it had done was put me to sleep three different times.
I doubted that was the kind of blurb they were looking for though.
Trying not to be vain, I didn’t give myself one last look in the mirror to check to make sure everything looked okay.
One did not worry about how their friend saw them.
They didn’t get up early and take special care to appear attractive.
I’d managed to get about fifty percent of that concept this morning while dressing.
The other fifty found herself taking extra care that truly wasn’t needed to clean out a trailer that belonged to a junkie.
I had expected the hallway to be empty, so when I saw Ransom leaning against a doorway across from me, texting something on his phone, my breath hitched.
Or my breath hitched because he was mouthwatering.
He had the hat on again, and when his head shot up and his eyes locked on me, I was sure there wasn’t a woman alive who would blame me for the way I reacted to him.
It was hard not to get weak in the knees.
“I was just about to text you,” he said, slipping his phone into his back pocket and shoving away from the doorframe to saunter over to me in that way that made my heart flutter.
Did he have to make every move he made appear so damn sexy?
“I hope you weren’t waiting on me,” I replied. “I thought you’d have gone to work by now.”
His brows drew together. “Really? That’s what you thought? That I’d just leave you here to handle shit on your own today?”
Yes. Maybe. I wasn’t sure. Not with him.
“You have a distillery to run. I don’t expect you to drop everything to help me.”
And I don’t want you seeing the inside of my mother’s trailer.
I also feared that he’d judge me. For letting her live that way while my apartment in Manhattan was worth millions.
No matter how she’d treated me, I’d left her to the filth and poverty I’d grown up in.
There was a sliver of judgment in me that I wanted to push down deep.
She didn’t deserved my guilt. But it was slowly etching its way up the closer I got to revisiting the trailer that had been my childhood.
“Than can handle it. Oz is there today too. It’ll be fine without me. Now, don’t argue. Be a good girl and come eat something.”
He was being stubborn. Perhaps honesty was best. He was my friend. He’d understand my wanting to do that part alone.
“I can pick up something for breakfast,” I told him.
He cocked an eyebrow at me. “Why would you do that?”
“Because you were kind enough to give me a place to stay. I don’t intend to let you feed me all my meals.”
He looked perplexed. “Shakespeare, what part of be a good girl do you not comprehend?”
A laugh bubbled out of me. “My not eating here is considered bad?”
He nodded his head slowly. “Especially since I made sure Wilma knew you were gluten-free.”
I scrunched my nose. “Who is Wilma?”
“Cook, house cleaner, magician,” he replied, then winked. “Come on. She’s got you a gluten-free breakfast waiting.”
I stared up at him. And for a moment, I didn’t try and corral the things that he made me feel. I let them free, and my entire chest felt warm and tingly. Then he nodded his head in the direction of the kitchen and began to walk. I fell into step beside him.
There didn’t seem to be anything I could say to stop this.
The closer Ransom’s truck got to the trailer I’d lived in, growing up, the heavier my chest felt.
I didn’t want him here. I wouldn’t want anyone here to see this.
But especially him. I still hadn’t called Jellie to tell her.
I should have done that. She’d be here, and if anyone had to see this then, I’d accept it being her the easiest. Besides, I’d told her about it.
About my mother. What Ransom knew was a small little chip off the mountain that I’d had to climb in order to move past this part of my life.
Even though I had a successful career and lived twelve hundred miles away, my dead mother had the power to hurt me. Would that ever stop?
“Honestly, it would be easier for me if you simply dropped me off.” I tried again to keep Ransom from doing what he seemed hell-bent on.
He barely glanced at me, and then his eyes were back on the road. “Yeah, Shakespeare, that shit ain’t happening. I don’t care that you think it will be easier. You’re wrong. You aren’t doing this alone. You might as well give up.”
A growl of frustration rumbled past my lips, and he chuckled.
“Is my company that bad?” he asked teasingly.
No, Ransom, I enjoy your company. In fact, I enjoy it too much. I could look at you for days and never get tired of it. But this is a horror I do not want to share.
I said none of that though. Instead, I looked out the window, averting my face from his view the best I could. He would never understand this. Very few would.
Most mothers loved their children. They wanted them to excel in life. They encouraged them. Not my mom.
And the truth would be inside that trailer. All the filth, the hoarding, the nightmares that hid in all the corners, ready to jump out and attack me. Hit me one right after another. The memories I had run from would rush back, and I did not want anyone to witness that.
Ransom wasn’t going to grant that wish though.
The truck turned onto the familiar street filled with potholes, and beer cans littered the overgrown grass that I was sure held things much worse than the cans. My entire body was tense, and my nails bit into my palms as I fisted them tighter. We’d be pulling in front of it soon.
The sick knot that had always come when I arrived home from school every day was back. After ten years without it, the flare of its return was as unwelcome as I had always felt here. Dread sank heavier over me, and I held my breath, now afraid this was the beginning of a panic attack.
God, please do not let me have one in front of Ransom.
I jumped in my seat with a jolt when his warm, large hand covered mine. My eyes swung over to see he was watching me as the truck slowed, then came to a stop.
“Breathe,” he told me as his golden eyes bored into mine.
I focused on those and managed a nod. His hand squeezed, and I wanted to open mine and grab onto his like a lifeline.
“This is the past. You overcame it. You beat it. You’re not the girl who lived here. Not anymore.”
His tone was hypnotic. The thick, deep drawl distracted me, and I nodded.
He was right. The only similarity between the girl I’d been and the woman I was now was that we both wanted him. Any way we were allowed to have him in our life, we’d take it.
“I, uh, let me go inside alone first. I … I want to make sure I can handle you seeing whatever she left behind,” I told him honestly.
He shook his head. “There’s nothing in there that I haven’t already seen.”
Oh, he had no idea.
“She was a hoarder. When I left, it was already hard to get around inside. She also didn’t clean well. There is no telling what varmints could be lurking around.” I cringed as I admitted that to him.
He sighed. “There were several species, and it was almost impossible to navigate. But that’s all been handled.”
I paused. Confused.
“What do you mean?” I asked when he didn’t elaborate.
He reached for his door handle and cut his eyes back at me.
“I’ve already been here. Checked things out.
Prepared it for you. I didn’t want you walking into something like I’d found.
Rat families and all the other rodents I had taken care of.
There was also a flea infestation, but it has been fogged and cleared out as well.
The hoarding was bad, but most of the excess has been put out behind the trailer in sections for you to look through if you want. ”
I stared at him. Speechless. He’d already been here. Relief came flooding in, along with humiliation.
Ransom reached over and slid his knuckle under my chin.
“You’re pale, Shakespeare. No reason to be.
The only thing that changed after I saw inside that place was that I was even more fucking impressed and proud of you.
That was all you had as your start in life, and you became this.
” He paused, his eyes drifting down my face to my chest and back.
I swallowed and drew in a shaky breath. “Okay,” was all I could manage to get out.
He chuckled softly, dropped his hand, and opened his door. “Let’s go do this.”
My hand trembled as I reached for my side and did the same.
This was going to be fine. I could handle it. And Ransom had already seen it.
When I stepped out onto the gravel, he was already there in front of me. I focused on him. His chiseled jaw, that cleft I loved, the hat on his head and the way it shadowed his eyes.
“Ready?” he asked.
Again, I just nodded. Although I would never truly be ready to walk back into that place.
Finally, I turned to look at it. The memory of the day I had left replayed in my head.