Thirty-Five
thirty-five
STRONGER (WHAT DOESN’T KILL YOU) - KELLY CLARKSON
CALLIE - MAY 29, 2014
S ara’s second birthday is just around the corner, and I should be excited about planning her birthday party, but my stomach is in knots. I need this year to go better than last year when Adam showed up at the party I’d planned for her uninvited. It was awkward, to say the least. He strolled in like he belonged there, smiling for all the family photos as if there was nothing wrong. I let it slide because Sara was too little to understand, and I didn’t want to make a scene, but the memory still sits bitterly in the back of my mind of how little he respects my boundaries.
Now, he wants to take the girls this weekend to celebrate Sara’s birthday with Danielle, his latest girlfriend and someone I haven’t even met yet. Unfortunately, it’s technically his weekend and I cannot deny him without breaking the court order that was put in place. I may not like it, but I have no ground to stand on aside from the fact that it annoys me that he’s picking and choosing to be a father when it is most convenient for him. This is all just a show for Danielle; it doesn’t have anything to do with poor Sara.
The knot in my chest tightens as I think about him playing the doting dad in front of her, acting like he’s been there all along. What does Danielle think she’s signing up for? Does she even know the version of Adam I know? The one who bails on his daughters and shifts the blame onto everyone but himself? The thought gnaws at me, not just because of Adam’s inconsistency, but because of what it might mean for Sara and Ruby. What kind of example does that set for them?
The thought churns my stomach as I sit in the kitchen, scrolling Pinterest aimlessly for birthday party ideas. The party I’ll throw for Sara is next weekend when Barrett is here with us. I should be focused on planning something fun, but Adam’s text from earlier keeps flashing through my mind.
Adam:
I want the girls tomorrow. Please make sure you have enough milk to get Ruby through the weekend. Danielle and I want to do something special for Sara’s birthday.
Special. That’s rich, considering he’s missed his last several visits with them. Although, I shouldn’t complain because it allows me to spend more time with my girls. I can’t help but feel suspicious about his sudden enthusiasm. It feels less like he wants to celebrate Sara and more like he’s trying to show Danielle what a good dad he is. What a joke.
The sound of Ruby babbling from her swing pulls me back to the present. Sara is on the floor nearby, humming softly to herself as she stacks her blocks into a wobbly tower. Her innocence, her joy–they’re a balm to the storm brewing inside me. I wish I could freeze these moments, shield her from the chaos, but I can’t. Adam will always be a part of their lives, and I hate that I have no control over the kind of parent he chooses to be, or not be. All I can do is my best and make sure I’m there for my girls no matter what.
The front door creaks open, and Taylor breezes in with her usual energy, a bag of takeout in hand.
“Lunch delivery!” she announces, setting the bag on the counter. Her smile falters when she sees my face. “Uh-oh. What happened?”
I glance at my phone, then back at her. “Adam texted me this morning. He wants to have the girls for Sara’s birthday.”
Taylor’s eyebrows shoot up as she drops into the chair across from me. “Wait—he hasn’t taken them in how long, and now he suddenly wants to swoop in and play Dad of the Year?”
“Exactly,” I mutter, running a hand through my hair. “He wants to be the fun parent, and he wants his new girlfriend involved. I haven’t even met her, Taylor. How am I supposed to feel okay with this?”
Taylor leans back, crossing her arms. “You’re not, and you shouldn’t be. So, what are you going to do?”
“I don’t know,” I admit, my voice tight. “I haven’t responded yet. I just—I can’t help but feel like he’s trying to play house with my kids and I can’t stand it. But I also feel like that makes me a hypocrite. Look how quickly things moved with me and Owen.”
“This is different. This is now his third relationship he’s been in since you guys split up. He’s bouncing around and not creating a stable environment for the girls.”
“Tay, you seem to forget that I was also in a different relationship between Adam and Owen…”
“Matt doesn’t count,” she quips. “That was just a fling.”
“With an engaged man,” I remind her.
“An engaged man you didn’t know was engaged.”
I know my sister is trying to make me feel better but it’s not helping. I don’t have a real leg to stand on when it comes to saying no to Adam. Not when it comes to this. All I can do is hope that he agrees to let me meet Danielle before the girls do.
Taylor tilts her head, her eyes narrowing. “Have you responded to him yet?”
“No, but I was just about to before you got here,” I say, typing out a response.
Me:
If you’d like to take the girls, that’s fine. But I’d like to meet Danielle first, please.
I reread the message twice before sending it, my thumb hovering over the screen as doubt creeps in. Will he see this as a reasonable request, or will he twist it into something else? Either way, I know I need to stand my ground.
The message hovers on the screen as I await his response.
Taylor leans over to peek at my phone. “I think that’s reasonable.”
“I know, but he’s not.”
Seconds later, Adam’s reply pops up, and my chest tightens further.
Adam:
Seriously? You don’t trust me.
No, jackass. I don’t.
“Unbelievable,” I mutter, shaking my head in disgust. “He always does this shit–turns it around on me like I’m the problem.” The anger bubbling inside me is familiar and unwelcome. I can feel the words I want to say building, sharp and unkind, but I know I need to rein it in for Sara’s sake.
Taylor rolls her eyes as I hold out the phone to show her his response. “Typical.”
Her bluntness makes me smile, if only for a second. It’s nice to have someone in my corner, someone who sees Adam for who he really is without me having to explain it.
Me:
This isn’t about not trusting you. This is about making sure Sara and Ruby are safe and cared for while they are with you. I just find it a bit odd that you haven’t taken the girls since you and Katie split up and now that you have another woman who can take care of them, you’re eager to have them again. Seems like maybe you’re the one that can’t take care of them on your own.
Adam:
That’s rich coming from the woman who moved some random dude into her house within a month of meeting him.
Fuck.
The air leaves my lungs, his words hitting harder than I expect but exactly as he intended. I hate that he can still do this to me–the way he makes me question my choices, even when I know I’ve done everything for the girls. I hate that, in some twisted way, he’s not entirely wrong, but that doesn’t mean he’s right, either.
“Don’t let him get to you,” Taylor says, her voice cutting through the haze of anger and guilt clouding my mind. “He’s just trying to deflect because he knows you’re right.”
I nod, literally biting my tongue as I carefully type out my next response.
Me:
Can I just meet her before you take them? Please?
The silence stretches, and I can feel Taylor watching me, her gaze heavy with concern. Finally, another message comes through.
Adam:
Fine. When do you want to meet her?
I exhale, the tension in my chest loosening just a little.
Me:
Tomorrow is fine.
I resist the urge to say thank you because I refuse to give him the satisfaction. I set the phone down and look at Taylor. “There. Done.”
Taylor gives me a long look, her brow furrowed. “You okay?”
“I don’t know,” I admit. And that’s the truth–I don’t know if I’ll ever feel okay when it comes to Adam and the girls.
Hoping for a change of subject, I seize the first thing that comes to mind. “What ever happened between you and Nick? You mentioned a while ago that you guys were seeing each other again, but then never brought it up again.”
Taylor arches an eyebrow, her lips curving into a teasing smile. “That desperate for a change of subject, huh?”
“Yes. Absolutely,” I admit, the words coming out in a rush.
She laughs softly but then leans back in her chair, her expression shifting to something more reflective. “Callie, it’s been nearly a year since your divorce party when I told you about Nick and me trying again. Don’t you think if it went anywhere, I would’ve told you?”
“Geez…” I blink, genuinely taken aback. “I guess I didn’t realize it’s been that long. I’m sorry. I’ve been so wrapped up in my own shit lately?—”
“Don’t worry about it,” she says quickly, brushing off my apology. “It’s not like it was some big, dramatic thing. We went on a couple of dates, but…” She trails off, biting her lip before letting out a sigh. “With all the history there, I don’t know. It felt like we were forcing something that wasn’t meant to work anymore.”
Her honesty hangs heavy in the air, and I can see the flicker of sadness in her eyes, even though she’s trying to downplay it.
“You don’t think you guys could’ve worked it out? For Ava?” I ask gently, careful not to push too hard.
Taylor shakes her head, a small, bittersweet smile tugging at her lips. “I used to think that. For years, actually. But seeing him again… it just reminded me why we didn’t work the first time. Some things aren’t about trying harder or being different people. Some things just… aren’t meant to be.”
Her words stir something in me, a pang of guilt mixed with understanding. I’ve felt that weight before—the realization that love isn’t always enough, no matter how much you want it to be.
“I get that,” I say softly. “It must’ve been hard, though. For you. For Ava.”
“It was,” Taylor admits, her gaze dropping to the table. “But it would’ve been harder to pretend. Ava’s better off with two parents who can co-exist as friends than two parents stuck in a marriage they don’t want to be in. And honestly? So am I.”
I reach across the table and squeeze her hand. “I’m proud of you,” I tell her. “For doing what’s best for you and Ava. That couldn’t have been easy.”
Taylor shrugs, her smile softening. “Sometimes the right thing isn’t easy. You know that as well as I do.”
I nod, her words striking a chord deep within me. “Yeah. I do.”
The tension I’ve been carrying eases for a moment, replaced by the understanding that we’ve both fought our own battles and come out stronger for it.