Chapter 18
Chapter Eighteen
JULIEN
July 2
Secrets and Confessions
T he lead up to our beach trip was rife with restrained drama. Things have been…tense between Jay and Ry, and that’s a blatant understatement. How all this will play out once we graduate high school and go to college—once we grow up and become adults—only time will tell. Life has a funny way of throwing you curveballs when you least expect them.
Liz’s laughter floats in my direction, shaking me back to reality and away from my thoughts. I watch as she and Jayson jump the three-foot breakers that grow and collapse as they reach the shoreline. We’ve been out on the beach all day, boogie boarding, swimming, playing volleyball. We even made a kick-ass sandcastle like we used to do when we were kids.
Dipping my toes into the water one last time, I walk up the sandy shoreline and join our parents under the shade of the canopy. Ryder takes two bags of chips out of the cooler and offers me one.
“Jayson Patrick Jameson!” Liz shouts before he launches them both under the breakers.
Without directly looking at him, I know Ryder is watching them. Unrequited love and heartbreak are two emotions I’m becoming very familiar with.
“Want to toss the football?” I ask him.
“I think I’m going to head on in and take a shower.”
“Want some company?”
He punches my arm.
“Not what I meant, dickhead,” I clarify, and he barks out a laugh.
“I knew what you meant. Still funny though.”
He pops a chip into his mouth and glances over to where Jayson and Liz are bobbing in the swells. He sighs, and I physically feel his disappointment.
Tossing the half-eaten bag of chips back inside the cooler, he says, “I need a break. I’ll probably walk over to the arcade and play a few games. Want to join me there?”
“Sure.”
It’s been hard for me to step back and watch the Jay-Ryder-Liz love triangle from hell go down. To not take sides. But no matter which way I look at it, I’m stuck in the middle regardless.
At least Jay did the right thing and apologized. I’m proud of my brother for that alone. I still don’t agree with what he did, but I’m glad he and Ry are putting their personal issues aside for Liz. She feels a fuck-ton of guilt over their fight. The four of us may have a very screwed-up, unconventional kind of friendship, but it’s one worth fighting for.
Later that evening, I find myself alone on the beach, enjoying the stillness of the night. Reposed on my elbows in the cool sand with my legs bent up at the knees, I take a moment to languidly scan the water’s edge as a warm land breeze blows in from behind. I peer over my shoulder when I hear the swish of soft footsteps.
“Hey you,” Liz says, sitting down beside me.
She rests her head on my sunburned shoulder. Her presence is exactly what I need right now.
“Where’s our boy?” I ask.
“Believe it or not, he and Ryder are playing video games together inside. Other than when we eat, it’s the first time they’ve stayed in the same room with one another for more than two seconds. I tiptoed out of there like a silent ninja,” she replies with a grin.
Jayson and Ryder were in the same room, and it didn’t come to blows or get bloody? I call that progress.
“I’m really happy to hear that.”
“I know everything is so weird between all of us right now. Seeing them together like old times gives me hope.”
“They both love you and want you to be happy.”
Her response is automatic. “I love them, too. That’s why this”—she gestures around at nothing in particular—“is so hard.”
“I’m here if you want to talk.”
“You’ve been so great with all of it. Thanks for that and for not making me feel worse than I already do.”
She kisses my shoulder and wraps her hands around my upper arm, snuggling into my side.
Liz and I sit in silence for a while, watching the night sky and listening to the rhythmic pounding of the waves against the shore. The lights from a night trawler glimmer along the horizon as a ghost crab scuttles past our feet across the sand. One of our favorite nighttime beach activities is to come out with flashlights and search for ghost crabs as they pop out of their holes. There are so many of them scattered along the shoreline, it’s like watching a game of whack-a-mole.
“Julien, what’s going on with you?”
“What do you mean?”
“Just like I know those two boys inside, I also know you. You’ve been quiet the entire week.”
This girl has been my heart since the day I met her. My love for her is a profound type of love. A love of deep friendship. The type of love where I know I can trust her with my deepest secrets. Everyone thinks that because Jayson and I are twins, we have an unbreakable bond. Don’t get me wrong—we do. But there are some secrets I can’t tell him. Secrets that scare me.
I take Liz’s hand and link our fingers. “It’s complicated.”
She chuckles. “Have you seen my life recently?”
I release a dejected laugh. She’s right. This past week has been a shitshow of massive proportions.
Five minutes go by as our gazes remain locked on the dark horizon illuminated by a half moon. That’s how long it takes for me to finally build up enough courage to tell her.
“I like Elijah,” I whoosh out.
Liz angles her head and smiles at me. “The two of you have been hanging out with each other a lot lately. He’s a good guy.”
“No, Liz. I like Elijah.”
The euphoric feeling of finally, finally , being able to voice those words has a freeing effect on me. Like the weight of the world just got released from my shoulders because I’m able to tell her the one secret I’ve been too afraid to acknowledge to anyone, even to myself.
I anxiously wait for her to say something. I can see every emotion flash across her expressive face. I can also see when understanding hits her.
“Oh. Oh! ”
I pick up some sand with my left hand and let it sift through my fingers, counting how long it takes for all the grains to fall, like an hourglass counting down time.
“Are you…does he…does he like you back?”
“He asked me out on a date.”
“Julien, that’s wonderful.”
“I told him I wasn’t ready, and we could only be friends.”
Her face falls with disappointment.
“It’s so stupid. I’m stupid,” I groan, letting my head fall back on my neck.
Liz reaches around my shoulders and pulls me to her side. “You are not stupid.”
“I am. Can I tell you something?”
“Of course.”
“I think I first realized I was…well, the way that I am, that day at Jay’s swim meet. Remember that day when he went up against Elijah for the first time, and then afterward when Elijah came over to congratulate him?”
Before then, I had been too young to understand my feelings. My childhood crush on Ryder should have been my first clue.
She kicks sand at my feet. “Do you mean that time he asked for my number but the three of you scared him away? Or later, when you all treated me like I was a baby and lectured me on why I wasn’t allowed to date anyone? Oh, yeah, I remember that day.”
I wince at her rightful indignation, but I love how she can lighten the most somber mood.
“Not our finest moment. What Ry said was funny as shit though.”
Liz purses her lips. “Let’s agree to disagree.”
“I was actually a little jealous of you,” I confess, shamed at having had such a petty feeling toward her.
“Jealous? Of me?” she asks, surprised. “Why?”
“I thought Elijah was the most handsome boy I had ever seen. But then he started talking to you, not me. My feelings scared me—a lot. How could I like girls and him at the same time?”
“You know what they say about denial not only being a river in Egypt,” she says, referencing the overused idiom. “So, um, are you saying that you’re bi?”
As we talk, I create a picture in the sand out of broken pieces of seashells. “Maybe. I don’t know. I guess it would make sense. I mean, you’re the only girl I’ve ever truly been interested in. And, yeah, I like Elijah, too. I have dreams about me and him kissing. When we were younger, I had a crush on Ry.”
“You know it’s okay to be confused, and it’s okay to have questions.” She takes my chin in her fingers and turns my face to hers. “It’s okay to like Elijah. You’re allowed to like and have feelings about whomever you want, Julien. Guys or girls—it doesn’t matter.”
“It should,” I argue.
“Well, it doesn’t,” she argues back. “Have you talked to Jayson about how you feel?”
I shake my head, that familiar lick of panic blooming inside me. “No. No one knows. You’re the first person I’ve told.”
She gapes in shock. “I’m honored. Thank you, Julien.”
My breath releases in a torrent at her kindness and understanding. Why did I think she would react any differently than she’s doing now? Because you’re an idiot . Liz has always supported me in everything I do. She’s my biggest cheerleader. And I’m ashamed that I’ve kept things bottled up for so long.I should have opened up to her sooner.
“Do you plan on telling Jayson?” she asks. “Or your parents? I’ll be there with you, no matter when, or where, or how. Whatever you need, I’ll do it. Just say the word.”
Liz would walk through fire for me. I’m so damn grateful to have her in my life. Her capacity to love is overwhelming.
“I don’t think I’m ready for that yet. It’s been hard enough trying to figure out what’s in my head. I’ve always felt different in some way.”
“You’re not different, Julien. Don’t ever think that. You’re strong and kind and honest. You put others before yourself. You’re genuine and wonderful. I don’t know what I would do if you weren’t in my life. Your parents, Jayson, and Ryder will support you no matter what. They won’t abandon you. Being gay or bi doesn’t change who you are,” she passionately asserts, placing her hand over my heart. “You must know that, right?”
“I know things are better today than they used to be. But there’s still a lot of hate and prejudice out there. I don’t know if I’m ready to face all of that if I decide to start dating Elijah. Especially when we go back to school.”
“Those small-minded people can go fuck themselves,” she voices vehemently.
I’m not used to hearing the f-word come out of Liz’s mouth.
“Anyone wants to mess with you, they’ll have to get through me first. I mean it, Julien. No matter what, you need me, and I’m there.”
“I love you, Liz.”
“I love you, too.”
The hug she gives me is like coming home.