Chapter 7 #4
The five of us clinked our glasses, toasting to the matriarch and patriarch of the Gray family.
Their parents kissed, and I got misty eyed.
Liv snapped photos of everything and everyone—creating another cherished memory for the family mantel that I’d made it onto too.
The Grays were more than my best friend’s family. They were my family too.
It was close to midnight, and I sat around the firepit wrapped in one of the oversized blankets I’d stolen from inside.
My eyes watched the flames dance in the dark sky, putting on a show for the moon above.
I’d found the perfect spot to sit and text Pat.
He was doing an overnight in California and was a couple of hours behind me.
Pat:
I’ve been trying to give you your space, but c’mon, Lex.
It’s been two weeks. My mom is asking questions I can’t answer.
The vendors keep reaching out to me because you’ve ghosted them.
Do you want to call off the wedding or not?
I’m tired of waiting for you to figure out if you trust me or not when you know I love you.
Me:
You’re tired, but you’re the one that fucked up our trust, Pat. I want to make sure I make the right decision for the future, not just for right now.
Pat:
I feel like you’re punishing me when I told you that shit wasn’t me on the voicemail. I don’t know what more you want from me. I’ve been punished long enough, don’t you think?
Me:
Forgiveness doesn’t happen overnight, and neither does trust. And right now, I’m still trying to figure out if I can marry you without feeling like I’m betraying myself.
Pat:
So, being with me is betraying yourself now?
Me:
Feels that way. You can’t keep shrinking down my feelings like they don’t matter and expect me to sweep everything under the rug.
Pat:
Just let me know what it is, Lex. Are we still getting married, or are we breaking up? Because why would you wanna be with a nigga you don’t trust, right?
I left his last message on read and quickly locked my phone when I saw Oak walking over to join me.
“Can I sit witchu for a while?” he inquired, voice low.
My heartbeat rang in my ears, but I played off my anxiousness with a lazy shrug. “Sure.”
He scraped his chair across the stone, closing the distance between us. “Whatchu doin’ out here all alone?”
“Having a nervous breakdown. Can’t you tell?” I asked with equal parts of sarcasm and truth.
He observed me for a few seconds. “Nah. You look cool as a cucumber to me.”
I scoffed. “Thanks. But I’m far from that.”
“What’s on your mind?”
“I think the better question is what’s not on my mind,” I said, curling my feet under myself.
We both turned our attention back to the flickering flames. Everything fell still for a moment, as if the universe had suspended time especially for us to sit in perfect peace. The soft crackling sound of the fire was the only noise that penetrated the silence.
Then, he inched closer, reaching out to grab my blanket and give it a soft tug. “Gimme some.”
I pulled away before realizing what I’d done. Of course, he noticed and called me out on it.
“Why you actin’ so weird around a nigga, Lex? You ain’t gotta be nervous. I know you know how to share.”
“Because I can’t think when you’re . . . this close to me.”
He continued to tug at the blanket. “Sounds like a you problem to me, and it’s chilly out this mothafucka.”
I sucked my teeth. “Shut up.”
His shoulders rose and fell. “I’m just saying. Maybe if you weren’t trying so hard not to think about a nigga, you could think straight.”
“What makes you think I’m thinking about you?” I asked, finally sharing my blanket.
“So you haven’t been?”
“I didn’t say that.”
“Good, because I haven’t been able to stop thinking about that pussy since . . .”
“Shh! Oak!” I hissed, although his voice hadn’t been loud. “Are you crazy? Shut up.”
“I don’t give a fuck. We’re the only ones out here. I could scream it into the woods if I wanted to. Everybody’s asleep anyway.”
“Just because you can, doesn’t mean you should.”
“Nah, I wouldn’t do that. I know you got a lot of shit goin’ on already. Hence, your nervous breakdown and all.”
I scoffed. “That’s an understatement.”
“You wanna talk about that nigga, or you wanna skip to the good part and let me beat him up?” he offered.
His generosity made me chuckle. “Thanks. I needed that laugh.”
“Anytime.”
“Can I ask you something?” I inquired.
“Sup?”
“What is it about me that you’re attracted to?”
His brows slightly bent inward. “What do you mean?”
“I need to know what makes me lovable and not just attractive,” I explained, baring my insecurities to him as we shared the blanket under the moonlight.
“Maybe I’m not the one you need to be asking that question.”
“Why not?”
“Because everything about you feels like home to me. And someone as rare as you? A nigga can’t treat you like you regular. You are, without a doubt, worth more than gold, Alexis Rosewood. And if the nigga you with don’t know that by now, you need to find you a new one.”
His words made me understand what I looked like in his eyes—something the man I was supposed to be marrying never had the power to do.
My mind and heart had been at war for a while, fighting to be the center of attention.
But the one thing they were in agreement about was that I was sick of Pat and his reindeer games.
“Wow. I-I don’t know what to say. I mean, that’s what I’ve always wanted, for someone to see me and be sure about me, especially when we’re supposed to be getting married.”
“Is that what brought all this on?”
“He asked if I wanted to cancel the wedding,” I admitted.
“Do you?”
“It’s been two weeks, and I still haven’t given him an answer.”
“And why is that?”
My shoulders rose and fell. “I don’t know. It’s like, after certain situations, you just don’t feel the same about a person anymore no matter how hard you try, y’know?”
Oak sucked his pearly whites. “Bullshit, Lex. You know exactly why you haven’t given that nigga an answer. It’s the same reason you just said you don’t feel the same way about him.”
I let out a long sigh before nodding slightly. “It’s because there’s something in my gut that still doesn’t trust him. And I can’t marry someone I don’t trust, right? That would be doing a disservice to both of us.”
“Still don’t believe it wasn’t him on that voicemail?”
I swung my head. “No. And he wants me to sweep it under the rug and get back to business as usual.”
“You see what you said there?”
“What?”
“Just from that statement, I already know what type of nigga you dealin’ with, Lex.”
“What do you mean?”
“I bet you he hasn’t asked you how he can earn your trust back. That nigga’s probably been on yo’ line whining about how long it’s gonna take you to get over how badly he fucked up. Am I right?”
My brows heightened in genuine surprise that he’d hit the nail on the head within seconds. “Wow. How do you know so much about relationships, and yet, I’ve never heard of you being in one?”
“It’s not about how many relationships I’ve had.
It’s about being a grown-ass man who knows right from wrong.
A man who has control. A man who knows what he wants and ain’t afraid to go get that.
When a real nigga wants you, he’ll go to the moon and back for you, Lex.
He’ll make it clear that he loves you and be able to list every reason, even the stupid ones that don’t even seem worth mentioning.
You gotta build with a nigga who wants it to work just as much as you do and will do whatever he needs to do to keep you in his corner. Any real nigga knows that.”
My heart gave a kick, my feelings for him stronger than ever in that moment as my ears seemed to hang on to his every word. It was as if he was peeking through the blind of my soul and saying everything I wanted to hear.
There was a question burning on my tongue. “Do you ever think about what life would be like for us if things were . . . y’know, different?”
He tipped his chin. “I think about it a lot—what my family would say, what our first date would look like. All that shit. If I was able to touch you the way I wanted to in public, I’d never let yo’ pretty ass go.”
His honesty was refreshing and overwhelming at the same time.
Who knew our moonlit conversation would be a low-key therapy session?
I felt validated knowing I wasn’t the only one harboring feelings I couldn’t act on.
At least not the way I wanted to. I grew up on Brandy.
I knew almost didn’t count. And our almosts and what-ifs had haunted the back of my mind for years.
“I don’t think I’d want you to,” I admitted.
Oak and I were something and nothing and right and wrong at the same time, and I was homesick for his tatted arms.
“This shit is so crazy.”
“What is?” he queried.
I glanced at him quickly before darting my gaze away. “You don’t know what you do to me.”
“Then why don’t you tell me?”
“I’m usually a Type A personality, but around you, I’m Type F.”
“And the F stands for?”
“Fucking eighteen again,” I admitted.
His cocoa-brown gaze matched the fire blazing inside me as he looked at me. “I knew what it was back then when I left. We both did. We agreed, Lex. But just because I had to leave you didn’t mean I wanted to.”
“You coming back after all these years was the biggest plot twist of my life,” I confessed, nervously sweeping a few curls behind my ear.
“And I don’t plan on going anywhere,” he confirmed.
I huffed. “So, I guess that means I can’t keep trying to ignore what happened between us.”
“You could’ve fooled me. Yo’ ass been doing a hell of a job dodging me for the past few weeks.”
My shoulders slumped. “I’m sorry. I just didn’t want to talk about it. I still don’t. Forgetting it ever happened seems like the best path forward.”