Chapter 20
Drew
Drew hated goodbyes, and he delayed his goodbye with Gabriel as long as he could.
They woke up in bed together, and showered together, and then Gabriel made coffee for them both.
Drew’s flight out of Traverse City was early.
Gabriel had offered to drive him, but Drew had to return his rental car, so it made more sense to drive himself.
Gabriel would stay back at the house, and Evan would be by later that day to pick up the keys.
As they drank their coffee, they didn’t talk about how hard it would be to leave each other.
They didn’t talk about much of anything.
There was very little left to say. They had said everything, and any more words would hurt.
Leaving Gabriel was the hardest thing Drew had ever done.
He had come to Orion a grieving man, hurt by a situation that hadn’t even fulfilled him.
He had thought he wanted to be with Quentin, but Quentin had never been able to give him more than his body.
Gabriel had given him everything, without losing himself in the process, and Drew had willingly given himself to Gabriel.
He belonged to Gabriel, now, and he couldn’t imagine what it would be like to try finding himself when he was back in Boston, and his heart was still here.
Finally, painfully, it was time for Drew to leave.
They had delayed as long as they could, and now he had to go, or he would miss his flight.
He took Gabriel’s hand. “I wish I didn’t have to go,” he whispered.
There were tears in Gabriel’s eyes. “I know,” his lover said.
“I wish you didn’t have to, either.” Gabriel took a deep breath.
Drew could tell his lover was trying to be brave for him.
“I love you, Drew Moreau. You gave me the most beautiful summer of my life.” He laughed, the tears breaking free and rolling down his cheeks. “And I will never, ever forget you.”
Drew kissed the tears on Gabriel’s cheeks and then kissed him on the lips. “I will never forget you, either,” he whispered, drawing away. Each inch between them was torture. Drew felt like their very souls were tied together, and leaving Gabriel would be like hacking off one of his limbs.
“I love you,” he said, though they had said it so many times. No matter how many times Drew said it, he still meant it. They were the most important words in the world when he said them to Gabriel. “And I think I’ll always love you.”
“I’ll always love you, too,” Gabriel said. He laughed again, and the laugh was halfway a sob. “I don’t want you to go,” he said through his tears.
They held each other, crying and laughing, and Drew felt more thankful than he’d felt his entire life.
He didn’t know where he found the strength to walk away, but he found it.
Gabriel stood in front of the rental house watching him as Drew walked mechanically to his car, got in, and started it.
He watched Gabriel standing in front of the house, hugging himself, his eyes red, as Drew put the car in reverse and backed out of the driveway.
He made it to the road before he burst into tears.
He sobbed halfway to the airport, and then he was so emotionally exhausted that he couldn’t cry anymore.
He felt like a dried-up husk when he reached the airport, his throat raw and his eyes burning.
He was sure that he looked a sight when he went through security, but no one said anything.
He wore a baseball cap low over his forehead, and large headphones rested around his neck.
He was back to anonymity, and soon he would be back to fame.
When the first plane took off, he looked out the window at the world below him. To the west, Lake Michigan spread out, perfect and endless and blue, and to the east was the state of Michigan, and somewhere down there was Gabriel, and with him was Drew’s heart.
—
Drew’s townhouse was large and cool and empty when he returned.
It felt cold and soulless. He had once taken so much pride in this home.
He had poured so much into it, having it remodeled and decorated.
It didn’t feel like a home, now. After spending so much time at the rental house in Orion, he didn’t feel at home anywhere else.
He wondered how long it would take him to adjust; he didn’t want to adjust.
He and Gabriel had agreed that they would only contact each other in emergency situations. It would be too painful to stay in contact otherwise. A clean break would be easier in the long run, though it might hurt more in the short term.
Drew was exhausted. He sat on his couch, and it didn’t feel easy right now. Maybe it would feel easy someday, but it didn’t feel easy now. Right now, it just hurt.
He opened his phone and navigated to his photo app.
Over the summer, he and Gabriel had taken many photos together, selfies of them smiling and looking in love.
It was the happiest summer Drew had ever had, and the most he had ever felt like himself.
He had fallen in love this summer, but he had also found himself in a way he had never found himself before.
He knew himself better now than he had known himself before.
Gabriel was partially to be thanked for that, but Drew had also done hard work to get to where he was now. He was proud of himself.
He thought about who had been at the end of last season.
He had thought he was ready to come out and ready to have something real with Quentin.
He thought it was because of Quentin that he wanted to come out.
That wasn’t true, he realized now. It was because of himself.
He had gotten to a place where he understood himself, and loved himself, and was ready to be loved in all that he was.
Gabriel and so many others in Orion had shown him that love.
They had shown him that all parts of him were worthy of love, and they had shown him that the courage of being honest was worth it.
His heart was in Orion with Gabriel, but his courage was still with him. He had lived his truth this summer, and he would no longer live a lie or in fear.
He had an idea, and before he could reconsider, he went to one of his social media apps.
He chose a photo of himself at the beach, a photo that Gabriel had taken of him.
Drew was sitting cross-legged on the sand, wearing a small black bathing suit.
He was tanned, and Gabriel had captured him mid-laugh.
His face showed pure joy. Love radiated from the picture.
Drew posted the photo with a simple caption:
This summer was the happiest of my life, and as I prepare for my next season in the NHL, I need to tell part of my truth.
My name is Drew Moreau, I am a professional athlete who has played for the Boston Minutemen for nine seasons, and I am gay.
I am proud of being gay, and one of my only regrets in life is that I didn’t share this part of myself with the world sooner.
I love who I am, and I hope that by showing this love visibly to the world, I might inspire other young people to love themselves too.
He locked his phone before he could see any likes or comments come in.
Positive or negative, he didn’t want to see the comments.
He hoped that he could inspire people with his truth, but ultimately, he had come out for himself.
He was glad he had come out. It felt like the closing of one chapter and the opening of another.
He had learned a lot over the summer, a lot of it about trusting himself and being open to new possibilities.
Gabriel had helped him open his mind and his worldview.
He was done being the old Drew who lived in fear and in hiding, and was ready for what life had next.
He would be going into what was next without Gabriel, and the thought of that was more painful than he could handle right now, but he knew he would find a way to go on. So far, he always had.