Chapter 31
Chapter thirty-one
You Know Me
Marigold Belmore
A smile stretches my lips as I set down the freshly printed article on Paisley’s desk.
She’s gone—as is everyone else—but I figured I’d leave it for her anyway.
She likes to edit on paper when she can, but plenty of the reporters insist on sending her digital files to make editing easier.
I don’t always print mine for her, but I figured since she took care of me the other day, it could be a thank-you present.
Letting people take care of me isn’t easy, but when I woke up, stomach full and body rested, I realized it might be okay to allow it every now and again. I’m still worried about how behind I keep falling, but that might just be what college is like for me. School used to be so easy … I sigh.
“Hey, do you have a minute?” Jameson’s voice startles me.
I’d thought he’d left with the others. Even Charlie left a while ago, telling me to lock the newsroom behind me. I was in a groove, writing my portion of the next article, and didn’t want to break my streak by switching locations until I finished.
“I was about to head to the library to study,” I tell him as I turn away from Paisley’s desk.
His expression is wary, which makes my anxiety spike. We haven’t talked about anything other than the article since he forced me to rest two days ago. I didn’t think much of it because I’ve been focused on catching up, but now I’m wondering if he was waiting for the right moment to get me alone.
“I want to talk about last summer,” he says quickly, like he’s worried he won’t be able to get the words out.
Anxiety claws at my chest. I shake my head and walk around him toward my desk. Somewhere deep down I feel a tug to hear him out, but it’s hard to listen when fear has its hands around my neck.
“I told you we can talk about the paper, and that’s it.”
“We need to talk, Goldie,” he insists.
“No, we don’t.” I start throwing things in my messenger bag, preparing to run.
“Yes, we do. Just let me get a few things out—”
“No!” I whip around. “I don’t want to hear what you have to say. I want to work together and–and that’s all.”
Hurt flashes across his expression, and it feels like I’ve sliced open my own chest.
“Well, that’s not what I want,” he replies in a terse tone. “And since we’ve been doing things your way for the past few months, I think it’s my turn.”
“Your turn? This isn’t a game, Jameson.”
“I’ve never once treated our relationship like a game, Goldie. Don’t accuse me of that.”
Anger runs hot in my blood. All of the emotions I’ve been pressing down explode out of me.
“You don’t get to dictate how this goes. You hurt me. That means that if I want you to leave me alone forever, that’s what you do.”
I pull my bag onto my shoulder and start toward the door.
“I know why you won’t talk about things,” he says, making me pause a few feet away. “You’re afraid that what I have to say will make you want to be friends again, and you can’t stand that thought after what happened that night—”
I spin around to face him again with burning eyes.
“You promised not to talk about it!”
“And you promised we would be friends forever, no matter what. Remember that?” His voice cracks. He shakes his head. “I don’t want to fight. Please, Goldie.”
“Nothing you say will change what you did,” I tell him, though the words sound hollow in my ears.
“I’m in love with you,” he blurts out.
My stomach swoops. I can hear my heartbeat in my ears. We’ve said I love you in the past, but never like that. He can’t mean that. Is he lying? Would he stoop so low to lie about something like that?
“I wasn’t supposed to say that first. It’s not—” Jameson pushes his hands into his hair.
“It’s not a bargaining chip, okay? You don’t have to forgive me because of it, but I needed you to know.
I’ve been in love with you for a long time, Goldie.
It took me a while to realize it, but once I did, I was consumed by it.
The night we kissed wasn’t random for me.
It was a moment I’d been waiting a long time for. ”
My mind goes back to lying in the grass beneath the stars. The way he’d looked at me with such certainty … the pieces click together. He’s not lying, but that makes everything else so much worse.
“If you loved me, you wouldn’t have taken the internship,” I say, trying to sound angry, but it comes out more heartbroken than anything.
Jameson’s face twists with anguish, and my stomach twists with it. After all the sweet gestures from the past few weeks, it feels cruel to lash out at him. But this is what he incited by bringing up the past. We would have been fine. Not us … but fine.
“That’s not fair. I-I made a mistake. I was hurting because you’d pulled away, and my parents were pushing me to apply. That doesn’t negate my love for you.”
“So you punished me for needing space?”
“No, I would never intentionally do that. I’m not trying to make excuses. I just want you to understand how things happened. I know it doesn’t change the circumstances, but I didn’t set out to hurt you.”
I shake my head and take a step back.
“But you did. You betrayed me and then kept it a secret. Why should I believe that you love me?”
Pain like I’ve never seen floods his gaze. Shame strikes me, but I don’t know how to contend with it among my warring emotions.
“Because you know me.” He presses a hand over his heart. “I understand you’re upset. I did something wrong. I’m prepared to grovel and beg for forgiveness. But I can’t stomach you painting me as someone different because of one mistake.”
“People change,” I say, even though I know the explanation is as flimsy as a house of cards.
“We’ve walked through our entire lives together. How can you think that I’d suddenly turn on you and hurt you?”
I think about all the ways he’s taken care of me, before and after the internship. My chest pinches. This is why I didn’t want to have this conversation. It hurts too much. I decide to rip off the bandage.
“Because we kissed, and that ruined everything!” I shout. “We stopped being friends the moment your lips touched mine.”
“Why?” he demands. “Sure, things would have been a little different—”
“A little?” I scoff. “Everything would have changed. There would be expectations and arguments and resentment. You’d let me down and I’d end up hurt.”
“What makes you think that?” Jameson asks, his brow furrowed.
“It’s exactly what happened!” I throw the words at him. “I didn’t meet your expectations, so you punished me by taking something I wanted and breaking my heart in the process.”
Jameson’s eyes shine with tears. My heart shatters all over again.
“We kissed, and you got scared. You pushed me away, and I thought I’d lost you for good.
My parents came to me about the internship on the day the application was due.
I was hurting, and I made a stupid mistake.
I’d give anything to go back and change so many things.
Especially not telling you. I was terrified that it would be the nail in the coffin.
And I was right in a way.” He meets my gaze as a tear slips out of his left eye. “That’s what happened, Goldie.”
I blink furiously to keep my tears at bay. I’m so sick of crying.
“I’m sorry for what I did,” he continues through his tears. “It was awful. There’s no way around that. But please, don’t throw everything we have away over this. I don’t want to lose you.”
There’s a physical pull deep within me toward him. I can’t give in, though. My mother’s words echo in my mind. If I let him in, and everything changes, then he’s bound to hurt me. Or I’ll hurt him. And everything will be so much worse.
“I told you, our friendship was ruined the night we kissed,” I say in a cold voice. “Even if I forgave you—what good would it do? You want something more than friendship. I don’t.”
Jameson’s dark gaze meets mine.
“I don’t believe you.”