Chapter Seventeen
The Sun Will Be Shining
After three days of Grace’s meals, Grace’s workouts, and Grace’s style of therapy, River needed to get out of the house.
Having Grace around wasn’t all bad. He’d gotten used to the sound and feel of the house with another person in it. Obviously Grace wasn’t Jem—not as fun to look at, and she touched him less, and her cooking was half as good. But it helped, not being alone.
“You know,” Grace said the third afternoon, as she chopped fruit to make River eat later, “I haven’t seen Jem around lately….”
So subtle, River thought. He arched an eyebrow at her.
“What?” Grace said. “A woman gets curious. Especially when all her hard work starts going to waste.”
“I think it was Jem’s hard work, actually.”
River clamped his mouth shut—too late. He hadn’t meant to give her an opening.
She raised her eyebrows right back, expression mild. “My mistake.” And then she went back to hulling strawberries.
But if River thought that meant she was done grilling him, he was disappointed. “Did something happen? Things were going pretty well, I thought. You seemed….”
River swallowed. “Happy?”
She lifted her gaze from the cutting board. “In love,” she said gently.
It wasn’t the first time someone else had said the words, but it was the first time River acknowledged the truth of them. After several seconds in which his chest felt too tight to breathe, he managed to admit, “I was.” I am.
“Then what happened, sweetie? What was so bad that you couldn’t fix it?”
“He, ah.” A lifetime of exercising extreme vocal control failed him. “He didn’t love me back.”
Grace put down the knife. “Did he tell you that?” She tilted her head. “He sure seemed pretty fond of you. He was here all the time, always looking after you. The way he looked at you….”
River clenched his teeth. “I was paying him.”
He waited for her judgment, or pity. Something.
Grace said, “Well, so what? That means he can’t love you?”
Somehow that hurt worse. River really thought he could. Never for a second, while they’d been together, had he ever thought Jem was faking anything. Jem didn’t have enough of a filter to fake things; whatever petty shit he was thinking came right out his mouth.
“I don’t know.”
“Hmm.” Grace went to the fridge and pulled out a tub of ice cream. She scooped it into two bowls and dumped the strawberries on top. “Well, I don’t know if I can fix that. But I’m here to eat ice cream about it with you if that’ll help.”
River didn’t turn her down.
But he did get restless, later that night, to the point where he knew he wouldn’t sleep if he didn’t get out of the house and do something, and he didn’t want to fuck up tomorrow’s performance at the Steamy Bean.
If exercise hadn’t helped, maybe retail therapy would.
He called Norm and took a ride down to his favorite little pawn shop.
Gary didn’t look up from behind the counter when he walked in. “Shop’s closing in ten minutes.”
Okay, so it would have to be quick retail therapy. “Don’t worry, I won’t keep you past curfew.”
Gary’s magazine hit the glass countertop, and he stood up. “River! I haven’t seen you in a hot minute.” He gave River a thorough once-over, eyes narrowed enough that River could tell he’d been following the tabloids. “How you holding up, kid?”
River honestly couldn’t think of an answer. His face must have said as much, because Gary winced and beckoned him to the jewelry. “Good time to shop for shiny things,” he remarked. “Lots of people preparing to go off to college or want to go on a road trip this summer and need a little extra cash.”
Sure enough, the display cases were full of baubles and trinkets and sparkly gems, both real and paste. They shone and glimmered under the store’s lighting—a feast for River’s eyes.
But his heart wasn’t in it. The jewelry felt cold, gaudy without purpose. Strapping any of that on wouldn’t help River feel less tarnished.
Before he could help it, his eyes had slid to the next case over, with the engagement rings.
They looked the same as they did before, River told himself.
They were sad little mementoes of love that didn’t make it, pieces of fallen stars.
But the longer he tried to convince himself, the less true the sentiment felt.
Wasn’t the point of bringing something like that to a pawn shop that you could try again?
Reinvent yourself? To give yourself room to move on?
After a few minutes, Gary cleared his throat. “Something particular you need? Got a few real nice timepieces this week—”
River’s stomach turned over and his eyes darted over to the third case.
There on the side, with the black band and the square face.
He’d just been thinking about starting over, and now here he was, looking at evidence of Jem doing just that, making room in his life for someone else.
Taking the money and running. Proving he’d never loved River at all.
His palms went clammy as Gary took out the little tray so he could have a closer look.
The breath rushed out of him when he lifted it out. Now he could see the edges of the face were rounder than they should be, and the band was inlaid with some kind of black stone rather than fashioned from black gold, like Jem’s. Without meaning to, he dropped it back into the tray.
Gary tilted his head. “Something the matter?”
“No.” Just the idea of my ex-sugar baby moving on giving me a panic attack in a pawn shop.
River didn’t want Jem to sell the watch. River wanted him to keep it forever, even if he couldn’t bear to look at it. As long as Jem kept it, it meant he hadn’t moved on.
And maybe he could’ve let himself think he wanted Jem to pine after him forever because he wanted Jem to suffer.
Part of him did. But the truth was River was pretty sure he was going to pine forever, and he didn’t want to be alone—not in his pining, and not in his life.
He didn’t want to reinvent himself, and he didn’t want Jem to do that either.
He wanted to go backward to the people they were when they were together. Their happiest selves.
Finally he made himself straighten up and look at the clock.
Sure enough, he’d kept Gary after hours.
“Shit, sorry.” He shook his head as if he could dispel the maudlin thoughts that had settled around him.
“I did exactly what I promised not to do, and I didn’t even find anything.
” He couldn’t buy jewelry in a mindset like this.
He’d never wear it. Instead he took out his wallet and passed Gary a couple hundred bucks.
“For the service, okay? You’re better than a therapist.”
Gary looked like he might protest, but after a moment he folded the bills and tucked them in his pocket. “You know where to find me when you need to talk,” he said. “And hey, I hear there’s an expensive concert coming up—maybe I’ll take the wife. She deserves a fancy night out.”
River made a mental note to courier over some tickets, because a couple hundred bucks wouldn’t cover it. Even if Gary was humoring him, he deserved the gesture. “Both of you do.” He managed a smile that felt less rictus-like than any he’d worn in the past week. “You have a good night, Gary.”
He fell asleep that night holding Jem’s pillow to his chest.
“Tell me the truth,” Jem said as Tori pulled into the parking lot. “Did you pick this place because of the name?”
Above the entryway, the logo for the Steamy Bean only half evoked coffee.
Tori killed the engine and flicked him in the nose. “Get your mind out of the gutter, Jemima.”
Inside, she took his arm and dragged him to the counter. “Hi! Two triple-espresso iced oat-milk lattes, please. Ooh, and that enormous brownie. Thank you.”
Jem dutifully forked over his card for the purchase, then followed Tori to a booth.
Before he could slide into a seat, though, she shook her head. “Switch me sides.”
He didn’t realize why until he found himself facing an empty stage with a keyboard and drum kit. A stool and a mic and an effects pedal sat in the center, and the mic stand had a handful of guitar picks stuck into it.
“Never mind,” he said, caught halfway between anticipation and dread. “I know why you picked this place. Insider info?”
“You never realize how much lawyers know everyone until you really need them to know everyone.” She pulled her drink toward herself and took a long sip. “You good?”
He took a deep breath. Good? No. But he took a minute to be grateful Ivy had insisted on approving his outfit. “I’m okay. I wish you’d told me what we were doing, though.”
Tori broke off a corner of the brownie and shoved it into her mouth. This done, she slid the plate across the table so it was in front of Jem. “Would you have come?”
Yes. But probably not with Tori. Actively avoiding River would be counterproductive. Jem needed to see him if he could. Even if River never forgave him, he deserved to know that Jem hadn’t hurt him on purpose.
But Jem hadn’t shared the plans he’d made with anyone. They didn’t need to know if he failed. Besides, he’d fucked up by himself. He could fix it by himself too.
Or try, at least.
“Guess we’ll never know.” He picked off a brownie crumb with a fork. “Obviously he doesn’t know I’ll be here. You don’t think it’s, like… gross?”
Not that it was any worse than his original plan. He hated showing up somewhere River couldn’t avoid him, though. He felt like a stalker. He kind of was a stalker.
“I think you both deserve to be happy and neither of you is, and that’s dumb.” Tori stirred her ice cubes. “You have to try something.”
“I will.” But definitely not until after River’s set. Jem slouched a little in his seat in an effort to stay inconspicuous.
The café was about half full when Lara stepped onto the stage, carrying her bass one-handed. River followed two steps behind her, his guitar slung over his shoulder.
Something ached in Jem’s chest.