Chapter 21
Marcus holds me while I clutch at him, our arms wrapped around each other. Soon enough, I’ll come down from this anxiety attack, but right now, it’s impossible to get myself under control. I’m not sure where I end and he begins. My fingers refuse to uncurl from the back of his shirt.
“Come on, Empire,” he speaks in a low, soft tone and eventually breaks away, nudging me toward the side of the car. “Let’s go home.”
“What about—” I start.
“I’ll send someone over to pick it up,” he says about the car.
The tears refuse to stop through the entire drive home. Marcus says nothing, his thunderous expression focused on the road ahead. He says nothing when we pull in front of the house, and I make a break for the front door. He says nothing for the rest of the day although he finds me on the couch, curls his body around mine, and sits with me, turning off the notifications on his phone for the next few hours.
He came for me.
He rescued me from a terrible situation and hadn’t made me feel like it was my own fault for letting it happen. Listening to the crunch of bone on bone when he broke Parker’s nose was the highlight of the day.
I’ll never forget it.
The next morning, true to his word, my car sits parked in the driveway beside his. I write out a note and slide it next to the espresso machine before heading out to a visit I’ve been putting off.
It’s hard enough to go to the cemetery on a normal day. It’s even harder to go now, after what happened with Marcus and Parker and filming. Being on set naked in front of everyone felt like the lowest part of my life until now, sitting in front of two handsomely carved headstones who used to be bright and shining stars in my life. Guiding lights, I always thought. No matter how far they traveled for work or whatever part they were throwing themselves into, my parents were there for me.
They would have been just as horrified as Marcus by what they found on set, I’m sure of it. Looking back on it in the light of day, what Parker asked me to do wasn’t right, and blaming my contract for the lack of precautions on set was a cop out.
From start to finish, he manipulated me, and everyone else on set went along with him.
If my parents had been alive—it never would have happened.
I settle on the bench in front of the graves with fresh flowers clutched in hand, waiting for something besides the numbness inside to make itself known. When nothing happens, I take a deep breath and force my eyes open.
Sitting in front of the headstones with the sun shining down on me now…my embarrassment and shame seems small.
Two lives are gone.
I needed the distance—from everything, everyone, and especially from Marcus.
“Hi Mom,” I say softly. “Hi Dad. How are you doing?” I purse my lips. “Silly, stupid question. You’re dead. You’re not doing anything at this point. I guess it’s just one of those normal things people say because it’s a habit. But wherever you are, I hope you’re happy and looking down on me.”
There’s never an answer or even a glimmer of sensation when I come here. It’s only a place to sit and reflect, surrounded by acres of stone and fake flowers from other people coming to pay their respects as well.
My parents are gone, and there isn’t any hope of them coming back again, not even to visit from beyond to let me know they’re okay. Or better: to assure me that I’ll be okay.
As upset as Mom would have been at Parker for the scene at the studio, she would have been singing praises for Marcus and the way he’d swooped in like a knight. The memory brings a smile to my face. He’s the bright light in the middle of so much upset.
And I’d fallen completely head over heels for him.
It isn’t anything new, either. It has been a long time coming.
“I’ve spent so much of my time mad at him, and now I wonder if both of us have been trying to outrun things we refuse to think about.” I gnaw on the inside of my cheek. “Neither one of us has treated the other one right. He’s been overbearing, and I’ve been stubborn, too caught up in trying to feel normal to act like it.”
I pause for a long moment and turn the bouquet of flowers in my hand. Yellow blossoms, red roses, and eucalyptus.
“Did you know?” I ask the gravestone. “He’s been around almost my entire life, from what I can remember. Did you have any idea what I’d feel for him?” I lean back, blowing out a breath. “Gosh, I’m not even sure I remember when it started.” My smile grows. “Okay, that’s a lie. I do remember. I remember everything.”
I dip my head, my hair hiding my face, although the soft smile remains at the memories.
I’ve always had a thing for Marcus. It’s crazy and corny to admit now, but I’m alone and there is no one to judge. It started off with pure hero worship for the dark-haired man and graduated into sexual attraction a few years ago.
The moment sticks out in my mind because it marked a steppingstone in my feelings, where the change hit hard enough to leave a mark on me.
I’d gone outside during one of Mom’s frequent parties, mingling and inching my way toward the pool to cool off, except someone else had already been making use of the cool, turquoise waters. Marcus cut a path through, doing a lap from the deep end up toward the shallows. He stopped and stood, water sluicing down his chest as he ran his hands over his face and through his hair, clearing the water out of his eyes.
Then, he looked at me, smiled, and something inside of me went still and hot at the same time.
And I thought…oh. It’s you. It’s been him for me from the start, although I wasn’t in a headspace to look at things that way. I wasn’t in the right spot to admit how badly I’d wanted him, even though he was so much older than me. The years never mattered.
The feelings have been there all along.
No one else compares to the way Marcus draws me, from his eyes to his wry sense of humor. The way he handles his business and himself, the way he maintains control. Except around me. I love watching the way he loses it.
Have I turned down a ton of guys my own age because of him? Yeah, I have.
Of course, no one even comes close. I never give them the chance to come close, because I’ve been holding out for Marcus all this time. And when he finally kissed me, when he took the risk alongside me, it felt like flying.
“I’m sure you must have known,” I say out loud, focusing on the gravestones. “I never had any secrets from you. Dad, you somehow always saw right through me, but you never made a big deal out of it. It was like your superpower. I never had any doubt you were on my side, and you always made me feel special.”
Not a lot of people got that from their Dad. River used to tell me horror stories about her drunk and broke ass dad, who would rather spend his time memorizing the inside of a bottle than watch her compete in the spelling bee.
“Mom, well, you had eagle eyes. You figured people out before they opened their mouths.” The thought widens my smile. “You and River are the only two people I know who hide your beautiful brains from the world. She’s just like you. She loves books, and art, and movies, but none of it shows on her feeds because it doesn’t pay the bills. But I’m getting off topic.”
River has always done the wink wink, nudge nudge toward Marcus, and I’ve put her off, didn’t want to look too closely or read too much into things.
I lean back and lift my face to the sun, closing my eyes and letting the rays warm my skin. “I get why Marcus wants me to find success in my career. I even understand why he pushes me and makes me mad enough to hit him. He’s doing it all for me because he thinks it’s the life I want, and he’s trying to help me get there.”
I shift on the bench, crossing one leg over the other. I lean forward and drop the flowers, a big bouquet, between both the grave markers.
“I’m not sure when it stopped being lust and started to be something like love,” I tell them, “but I think I love him. I’ve never loved anyone before, but I always watched the two of you together. What you had was special. Your feelings for each other reverberated out from you so that anyone around you felt it.”
I remember how people used to say that what my parents had for each was magic, and even more rare because they were both actors. Marriages in the spotlight rarely lasted, let alone thrived. They were the anomaly, which made their deaths even more tragic to the public, since it was the end of a love story for the ages.
“I feel like I’m going crazy. I’m not sure if he has any feelings for me. If he does, they aren’t the kind I have for him. But…you should have seen him the other day.” My head drops between my legs. “He swooped in there and punched Parker right in the face. Marcus stood up for me in the best possible way, and I’m not even sure how he knew where I’d be, because we weren’t really talking to each other. We haven’t been, anyway.”
Chewing my thumbnail is a distraction from the wave of emotions, but it was a good idea to come here. I feel closer to my parents, talking out loud and asking them questions. It makes me feel a little bit better and a whole lot lighter.
It’s not the same as it used to be when they were alive, but if this is all I get, then I’m taking the chance. Even if I won’t get any answers.
“He saved me, and he’s going to come to filming from now on to make sure things go well. Honestly, it’s a wonder I still have the part. I guess contracts are harder to break than I thought.” I worry my fingers together. “But I miss you guys. I miss you so much that I don”t even feel like myself a lot of the days. At least I feel a little steadier now knowing Marcus will be there for me. He’s the backbone I’ve needed.”
In the distance, life goes on. The world is busier than ever, and this little moment of quiet will only last while I’m here. Once I drive back out the gates of the cemetery, there will be nothing but rush and chaos.
My pocket starts to buzz and breaks me out of the peaceful bubble I’d created here.
Frowning, I reach for my cell, finding a text from Marcus’s assistant Sherry asking if I’ll come into the office to sign some papers that Marcus keeps forgetting to give me.
I roll my eyes. Sounds like him, although he usually does handle all that stuff. He’s on top of his business much more than I am, but things have been crazy lately. No wonder he’s forgetting stuff.
Sure, stop by the house in like an hour.
I’ll meet you :)
For now, it’s just me and the marble markers for the Stones. And whatever silent signs I’d hoped to receive that my words were heard in the beyond never come.
“I hope you’d approve of the two of us together.” I push to my feet. “If not, I guess there isn’t much you can do, and I wouldn’t want you to. I love him. I’ve always loved him,” I finish. “Here’s hoping he loves me too.”