Chapter One #3
He took a side-step along, like he was at a museum. “Do you only read science-fiction?”
“I switched to ebooks,” I explained.
Another slow nod, like he was engrossed. “Yeah, so much easier.”
“Right.”
It was a special kind of torture, this casual digging through the boring minutiae of my old life. High school awards, and battered paperbacks, and tchotchkes that you kept because you thought you’d always cherish the memory they represented.
The human mind was callous, I’d realized, though. It jettisoned the memories themselves and just left the nostalgia behind. A row of plastic junk on your shelf, that some part of your lizard brain insisted had sentimental value.
I shook my head, refusing to get distracted.
“Aren’t you gonna ask me about...” I started.
“I don’t care, Oli,” Flynn interrupted. Voice still casual, unperturbed.
As though he really was more curious about the little dinosaur figurine he plucked up and turned in his fingers, not the sexuality I’d just clumsily revealed.
He glanced over his shoulder. “Unless you desperately want to discuss your tastes in porn?”
My throat felt thick as I swallowed. “Not really.”
Flynn laughed. “I figured.”
By all rights, I should’ve been relieved. Grateful, even. And yet I’d been steeling myself for the awkwardness of it all, preparing for that “well, actually, I’m...” conversation which never seems to get any easier. Like an itchy scab, half-hanging, it was impossible not to pick at.
“I thought you’d want to know...”
He turned, still toying with the little plastic T-Rex. More fidgeting with it now, though, than examining it.
“Does it suck? Here, I mean. In this fucking town?”
I frowned. “Sorry?”
Flynn looked down at his hands, then back up at me.
“I always figured it was going to suck. So few people, and even fewer of them who you could trust with that secret.” He grimaced.
“Like there’s this thick, slow-moving river of small-mindedness under a hokey layer of community, or something.
And it only takes one misstep to break through it, and get stuck. ”
There were a lot of words there, but I figured I knew enough of what he was trying to say.
“I’ve told a couple of close friends, but I guess I’m not really ‘out.’” I took a risk; a stab not quite in the dark. “Are you?”
Flynn’s smile was tight. “Here? No.”
“But when you’re not visiting?”
He shrugged. “It’s easier, when there are more people. Bigger city, somehow fewer people to care either way.” Flynn set down the dinosaur, carefully, on the edge of my desk. Fixed me with a look. “But I figure you know that, or could guess at it, anyway. So why the fuck do you stay?”
It was a laugh, but one with hardly any humor to it. Cut off, almost before I’d even started. “We’re not all clever, college-educated success stories, Flynn.”
He grunted in annoyance. “You don’t need a bachelor’s degree to escape, Oli.”
In a way it was a relief. After hearing his mom talk up her precious boy’s intelligence all evening, finding out he was just as capable of embarrassing na?veté made Flynn seem slightly more normal.
“No, but you need money,” I pointed out. “And a plan, and a greater chance of survival than just wishful thinking.”
Flynn made a frustrated gesture. “Is it not worth taking that risk, for the chance of living authentically?
“And is that what you’re doing?”
He glared at me. “I mean, I’m not sitting in my room in my parents’ house, jerking off to bad porn, so...”
I flashed him a dead-eyed look. “Consider me cowed and amazed by your incredible achievements, then.”
It felt like the stare went on for a long time. Long enough, I started to wonder if I’d pushed too far, been too blunt.
“Why do you hate me so damn much?”
I scowled, turning away. Knowing I couldn’t exactly complain about being called out; that I hadn’t made any real attempt to hide my disdain.
“Do you want me to thank you again, for saving me from outing myself, is that it?”
His expression was withering. “We used to be friends, Oli.”
“Did we?” I snorted. “I think we just lived next door to each other, and hung out when we were kids. It’s not like we have anything in common, now.”
“Aside from the fact that we’re both gay, you mean,” he said, coolly. Watching me, the way my lips tightened. “Or am I on the list of people you’re still not quite ready to come out to, yet?”
I made no attempt to hide my dislike of him, in that moment. “Fine, we both suck dick. Guess we’re best friends for life.”
His jaw was working, like he was chewing back what he actually wanted to say.
And for a moment, even though the timing was terrible for it, part of me wanted Flynn to just let rip.
To shed the nice, professional, capable image his parents were so fucking proud of, and just tell me exactly what he thought of me.
He didn’t, though. Face shuttering, coldness descending.
“Fine, Oli, whatever you say. I’ll let you get back to feeling bitter and jerking off, then.”
I flipped him off, as he pulled the door shut behind him.