Chapter Twenty-One #2
The conversations weren’t all about sex, weren’t all salacious.
A lot of the time, we’d just talked about what it was like being young and gay.
How things had gone for them, coming out for the first time.
What my own terrors - or JesseJockBoy’s terrors, anyway, as much as they overlapped mine - were, and how I simultaneously feared and hungered for the difficult liberation of no longer being in the closet.
“You’re gay, then.”
Said in that same, unremarkable tone. Almost like Kyle thought the whole thing anticlimactic.
“Yeah.” Barely above a whisper, almost inaudible even to my own ears.
Kyle nodded, slowly. Still staring at the computer screen. “Okay.”
I waited for the other shoe to drop.
“Do your parents know?”
The snort slipped out, despite everything. “No.”
“Does anybody else?”
I shook my head, even though he wasn’t looking at me. “No.”
“You should tell Catherine,” Kyle suggested. He glanced back. “Y’know, just in case I’m busy sometime, but you need to talk about... stuff.”
My nod felt jerky.
Kyle frowned, watching me. “Are you freaking out?”
Swallowing still felt difficult. Unnatural. “I’m meant to ask you that, I think.”
He chuckled. “You’re not the first gay guy in the world, dude.”
No, I wanted to tell him, but I could be the only gay guy in our town. As far as I knew, I was the only gay guy in Kyle’s life, certainly.
“So... you’re... you’re okay with it?”
His expression was positively withering, though I thought I could still detect the faint hint of a grin with it. “You’re such an idiot.” He glanced over my naked chest. “And put some clothes on. Talk about over-selling yourself with these fake photos, sheesh.”
“Asshole,” I muttered, as I walked over to my closet. But I was finally smiling, too.
#
“So how was the latest fuck-trip?”
I glanced over at him, sprawled in the passenger seat. Kyle somehow managed to look untidy even when he was just sitting down.
“That’s not what it was.”
“Sure, sure.” He laughed. “Just a quick four hour drive, for some big city dick.”
I decided that wasn’t worth dignifying with a response.
“Though maybe it was for some big city ass,” Kyle continued, sounding thoughtful. “I didn’t even think to ask.”
“Topped once, bottomed once,” I told him, brusquely. Hit the turn signal as traffic in front of us slowed.
“Dude!” He jerked in the seat, surprised. “Oversharing, much?”
I grinned to myself, ignoring him.
“With the same guy, or...”
“Different.”
Kyle whistled. “Damn, sparky. Someone got busy.” He cast me a sly look. “Which one was Flynn?”
Suddenly I regretted my strategy of truthfulness.
“It’s complicated,” I hedged.
The laugh was louder this time. “Oh, I’m sure, I’m sure.”
Silence. Until I couldn’t stand it any longer.
“It’s not what you think.”
“And what do I think?” Kyle’s tone had that burr of amusement I knew so well.
“He and his boyfriend split up.”
“Lucky Oli.”
I scowled at him. “Shut up.”
“So, did you have sex with him before or after they broke up?”
I replayed it in my head, sifting for any hint of judgement. Kyle just sounded curious.
“After.”
I had no intention of telling him that I’d also fucked William the night before.
“And that makes you two guys...” The open-ended question dangled there.
“It makes us nothing,” I said, coolly. “We had sex; that doesn’t mean we automatically have to get married or something. I’m sorry if that offends your delicate sensibilities.”
Kyle laughed. “Oh, I’m just outraged over here. Let’s just hope neither of you get pregnant, and end up with a child out of wedlock.”
“He wore a condom.” For some reason it felt important to make clear that we’d been at least a little careful. That it hadn’t been some drunken, horny, ill-advised tumble after a night’s clubbing; the sort of thing you wake up from, thick with hangover and regrets.
“Such sensible boys,” Kyle agreed. I could still hear the grin in his voice. “And I guess that also answers the ‘was Flynn the top or the bottom’ question, too.”
“Your obsession with the mechanics of gay sex continues to concern me,” I told him, dryly. “At some point you’re just going to have to give it a go, and get it all out of your system.”
He snorted. “Take me with you on the next fuck-trip, and maybe I will.”
I shook my head, smiling despite everything. Kyle was open-minded - and dirty-minded, for that matter - but I had no doubt he’d run a mile if he thought a guy was flirting with him. Though that could be an entertaining thing to watch.
“So, was he any good?”
“Who?” I did my best to sound innocent.
“Flynn, asshole.”
“No comment.”
Another snort. “Can’t have been that good, if you came back home again.”
My hands tightened on the wheel. “I had work.”
“Right, right.” Kyle shifted on the seat, stretching out his other leg. “Because it’s so important that the decade-old t-shirts get sorted through, and the odd socks paired, and the broken umbrellas pruned out.”
Conveniently we were at a stop sign, so I had time to turn to him and glare properly. “Fuck off. My job is a little more than that.”
Kyle widened his eyes, as though my curse had come as a horrible shock. Then ruined the effect by smirking at me. “Did he ask you to move to the city with him?”
Clenching my jaw, I looked back to the road ahead. “Don’t be ridiculous. We had sex, once.”
“My dear Jesse, your capacity for self-deception is legendary.”
“Don’t call me that.” Only Kyle did, any more.
He shrugged. “Fine, fine. I mean, at least Jesse - stolen photos aside - was honest. About what he wanted from guys.”
“He wanted sex, if I remember correctly.”
Kyle hummed under his breath. “True. But there was other stuff there, too. In-between your cringeworthy attempts at flirting and dirty talk. About wanting a guy you could connect with; be friends with, but also date.”
I narrowed my eyes, frustrated by the reminder of my teenage self and his naive attempts to explore what felt like the worst secret in the world. “You read fast.”
“The text was broken up by dick pics,” he teased. “Thankfully, none of your own.”
“It gets no complaints,” I said, frostily.
“Imagine if you’d done the sensible thing, and stayed on after the weekend. Then Flynn could’ve experienced that for himself.”
I huffed in frustration. “What part of ‘it’s complicated’ do you not understand?”
Kyle reached over, to prod me in the cheek with his forefinger.
Laughed as I pretended to snap my teeth at him in response.
“The part where you deny yourself a good thing, because you’re...
I dunno, afraid of moving away, and nervous about trusting someone, and pathologically insistent on keeping your brain and your crotch firewalled from each other? ”
“All of the above, probably,” I admitted.
He was quiet for long enough, I had to glance over. Found he was staring back at me, blinking in what seemed like genuine confusion.
“That was disconcertingly honest,” Kyle said, finally.
“He’s a nice guy, but it’s not like it could go any further,” I said, shrugging. “We’re in very different places.”
“It’s a three hour drive away, Oli.”
“You said four, just before.”
He grunted. “You’d drive faster, if you knew there was good dick waiting.”
“Let’s hope the traffic cops buy that excuse, then.”
“Seriously, though. Why does this have to be such a big hurdle?”
I gestured, vaguely, as if to indicate the whole damn, frustrating world around me. “It just... is. I bet I won’t even see him until next Christmas.”
It was the noise you make when you despair of someone, and can barely find the words for it.
I paused, from pulling into a parking space, to glance at my friend and take in his exceedingly aggravated expression.
Eventually Kyle seemed capable of speech again. “And you don’t think it might be a good idea to go over there yourself? Shortcut the whole ‘interminable waiting for a good thing’ part?”
I made a face as I put the truck in park and shut off the engine. “If he was actually interested, he’d make the effort. So, yeah. It’ll be Christmas.”
Kyle was still grumbling as he followed me into the store.