31 #2
He had come after me on foot. My heart swelled.
I told him the name of the street I was sitting on, and within minutes he was sprinting up behind me.
I ran to him in the darkness and we collided.
I clung to his bony frame and laughed in a weird relief.
My hysteria rang throughout the neighborhood like a nightmarish omen.
Rome grabbed me close, squeezing me as we stumbled back to his house together.
Now things were quiet. Too quiet. Neighbors had turned their porch lights on, and I spotted a few silhouettes standing inquisitively at the ends of their driveways.
The police might arrive any minute now, or at the very least, the neighborhood watch.
We kept our heads bowed and slipped back up his driveway in hopes we wouldn't be recognized.
Once behind the safety of his gate, he put me in his car and told me he'd be back in a moment.
Upon returning, he was flustered. Instead of turning the car around, he reversed abruptly, skrrting down the long driveway onto the street. Finally we peeled away, leaving his house and the many faceless neighbors in the dark.
Outside of my place, he shut the engine off and we sat in stone silence like we had the entire ride.
We sat so long the battery timed out and all the lights on the dash vanished.
Only the motion sensor lights were aglow above us, bleeding into the car.
Illuminating the whites of our nails and the silver of the keys.
"Babe..." he began, carefully. Rather entranced. Refusing to look at me. "I'm so unbelievably sorry."
"Don't...it's alright." I stared ahead as well.
"No, mate, it's not. I shouldn't have told you to go.
And earlier…I should've told you I'd be back. Simple as that. I could've avoided all this if I was just straight with you from the jump. I-I don’t know why I snuck away, Rafe. I just thought it’d be easier.
I'm an idiot for leavin' you in the dark, makin' you go through all that. "
He dug into his pants pocket and removed my keys.
I accepted, grasping his hand in the process, as I needed to reconnect in any way.
I was losing it. He’d been slipping away since morning, and I was desperate to cling to what was left.
It was like déjà vu. 2016 all over again.
He clocked my pathetic attempt and pulled away, rubbing his palm down his jeans.
"It's ok...I'll be ok. I'm just glad you're alright, Rome."
"The way she spoke to you...shit, the way you spoke to her." Finally, he glanced at me, brow furrowed. "I'm sorry, Rafe. You didn't deserve that. You're not even used to that type of shit. It’s fuckin’ low and trashy. I'm so sorry, babe."
"Hey," I nudged him a little. "Don't worry about it, ok?" He nodded. "I can be trashy.”
He chuckled. “You were ghetto, bro. I’ve never seen that side of you before.”
“I could be anything for you. Just say the word.”
“You’re mental, babe. I love it.”
“And hey, we made it out in one piece. Pretty decent if you ask me. She didn't clean your clock again, right? That’s a win in my book." We looked at each other and laughed.
"Look, Rome…I had a really special time with you yesterday. The time of my life, to be honest. The other shoe was bound to drop. I just didn't think it'd be this soon."
"Me neither."
"Will you just kiss me already?"
He leaned across the console, cupped the back of my neck, and pressed his lips to mine. Then he set our foreheads together and breathed. It was every bit apologetic. His touch, his silence, his shaky breath. He was even more embarrassed than I was.
"Just get rid of her, alright?" I pleaded, nudging him with my nose. "I just want you to be okay, Rome. That’s all." When I got out of the car, I leaned back in the doorframe. "I'll leave the door open tonight, in case you wanna come back."
He gave a dejected nod. Like he was off to see the hangman.
By the time I'd showered and tended my wounds, I could only crawl into bed with a weighty thunk.
So delirious I could barely shove the charger into the end of my phone.
Before long, I had deep, lucid visions of him coming through the front door, plodding up the stairs, and crawling into bed to hold me.
But as I slipped under, I was intensely aware of being alone.
***
Morning came and went. So did the afternoon.
I was awakened around 6PM by none other than Roman Jacobs.
He had indeed returned, just not to hold me.
I brushed my teeth and followed him downstairs.
The cleaning ladies had been by, and I could tell because my coffee pods and mugs were painstakingly organized.
I drank a hot cup, black, and sat across from him at the kitchen island.
"What's the verdict?" I drawled, picking gunk from the corners of my eyes. He played the lit end of a cigarette around the ashtray. It was a cheap one I'd stolen from a hotel years ago.
"She doesn’t wanna end it," he uttered, almost incredulously.
“Seriously?”
“Yep. She wants to stick around.”
"Of fucking course she does. But what about you?"
"Y'know, Rafe...if there's one thing I could 'ave right now...it'd be for things to go back to the way they were before…everythin'."
"You mean before me?"
"Yeah, before you…"
"So, you came all the way here to tell me that? How inconvenient my existence is to you? Could’ve been an email, dickhead."
"That's not what I meant..."
"But that's what you said, in so many words." I fumed. He looked over at me and was so exhausted I felt terrible for him. “Look, mate…how else do you expect me to respond to that? What do you want me to say?”
“That you’d consider—”
"Being strangers again?"
"Yeah...maybe."
"So that’s it? You can just leave here now and forget you ever saw me? Forget everything we said and did over the last few days?"
“I dunno, bro.”
He hunched, eyes downcast. His knuckles looked bruised. He had a bad habit of punching things when he was angry. He'd broken his hand a time or two before, always the same one. He’d also broken my ribs.
"Is that what you really want?" I panicked. “Say something!”
"You already know it's not."
"Then what?!"
"It's the only real solution here, Rafe...no matter how much I don't want it to happen.”
“That’s bullshit and you know it,” I quavered.
“Look, babe…the last few days we’ve been like glue. And they were the most right I've felt in a long time. But what's the cost of feelin’ right, exactly? Havin’ you back in my life meant more to me than you'll ever know. But it has also devastated someone else I care deeply about..."
I squeezed my eyes shut, sick to my back teeth of his mentioning her.
"I-I don’t get you, mate. You’re all over the fucking place with this, Rome. You don’t know what the fuck you want. You never do—”
“That’s not fair.”
“You say it ‘feels right’…” I spat, glowering at him.
“But then you’re just so quick to shove it all aside?
And for what? Somebody else’s feelings? You gonna live your whole life worried about how other people feel about us?
! That’s all I ever fucking hear from you, and I’m sick of it!
I’m so sick of thinking about other people.
We had unfinished business. I don’t give a fuck about anybody else when it comes to that! ”
“Rafe, you’re being unreasonable.”
“Fuck that! And fuck her! She’s using you! Can’t you bloody see that?”