Chapter 12
GUILT AND MISERY
The stifling silence in the carriage forced Darcy to relive his bitter argument with Lady Catherine the day before he took his leave of Kent.
Her judgement had been harsh. Her criticisms were severe when she had nothing more on which to base her low opinion of Elizabeth other than Richard’s mentioning that the young woman whom Darcy intended to marry was William Collins’s cousin.
This is not to be borne, her ladyship had sworn.
Do you know how low an alliance with a woman with such relations would render you in the eyes of the world?
She had encouraged Darcy to call on the Collinses to see for himself just how low that young woman’s connections truly were.
My own parson to be cousin to my nephew!
When Darcy could not be prevailed upon to call on the parson and his wife, both strangers to him, her ladyship insisted upon inviting the couple to tea so Darcy might see for himself the manner of people with whom he would be associating should he persist in the notion of offering his hand to Miss Elizabeth Bennet.
Lord Matlock was equally disappointed, but not nearly as disparaging. The morning Darcy left Kent, his lordship had taken him aside to speak man to man. “I have observed a change in you. From what Richard says, this young woman might not enjoy an ideal temperament for a man of your passions.”
“Richard is an idiot! What does he know about what is right for me?”
“An idiot, as you say, he may be, but in this case, I am inclined to agree with him. It is incomprehensible that you are not planning to attend the upcoming Waltham Mile or even the Ascot races, the most celebrated of them all, preferring instead to return to Bosley to woo this young woman.”
“I am no less passionate for the sport, my lord. It is simply that I am more passionate for Miss Bennet. Winning at Richland was a hollow victory. Acquiring Hercules now feels a trivial matter as well. None of this means anything to me without Miss Bennet by my side. I would give it all up if it meant winning her heart.”
“Do you not consider you may be behaving too precipitously? You hardly know this young woman.”
“When a man meets the woman with whom he is destined to share his life, he knows.”
Some hours later, Darcy’s carriage arrived at Avondale. His first order of business was speaking with his old friend. Lord Holland stood to greet Darcy when he was shown into the room. “Darcy, you have returned.”
“I have, just as I said I would, and I am anxious to rectify any ill feelings.”
“Will you join me in a toast to your safe arrival?”
Darcy acquiesced and took a drink. After engaging in talk of trivial matters, Darcy said, “I will allow that you were doing what you felt was needed in admonishing me for my unguarded behaviour with Miss Bennet. No doubt, you care for her. In hindsight, I confess to making mistakes. I might have exercised—”
Lord Holland interrupted. “We both made mistakes.”
“That is the reason I came back sooner than I had planned. I made it perfectly clear to my family where my priorities lie. Now I need only call on Miss Bennet at Barrington Hall and attempt to make amends.”
“You will not find her at Barrington Hall.”
“Did Lady Vanessa and she travel to London for the Season after all?”
“No—her ladyship remains in Bosley.”
“Has Miss Bennet returned to Hertfordshire? Did she travel there to visit her family? When did she leave? Have you any idea of when she plans to return?”
“Miss Bennet did indeed return to Hertfordshire, but I do not have any notion of her ever coming back to Bosley.”
Darcy found Lord Holland’s supposition unsettling. He blew out a frustrated breath.
“You have been gone well over a month. Did you really expect her to wait patiently for your return?”
Darcy knew all along that he had competition from his friend.
He had made that perfectly clear prior to Darcy’s leave-taking.
Darcy also suspected, but never had any proof, that Lord Holland’s mother and Lady Barrett were conspiring together for an alliance between Elizabeth and Lord Holland. “Did you not expect her to remain?”
“I have made no secret of my feelings for Miss Bennet, whereas you made no secret that your priorities were elsewhere.”
“My purpose in seeing you is not to debate how I might have done things differently.”
“It is just as well. The fact is neither of us is with her now. Her leave-taking renders us both losers in winning her heart.”
Darcy pondered the options before him. Lord Holland and he were two very different sort of gentlemen, but they need not be adversaries.
Leaning forward, he said, “This is a story as old as time. Two men enamoured of the same woman. I do not fault you one bit. Miss Bennet is charming. She is delightful—everything a young woman ought to be. The fact that your mother and aunt desired a match is something that I can hardly fault you with as well. I know what it is like to find oneself in that situation.” Darcy stood to take his leave.
“As for what happens next, you had better speak for yourself, for I have no intention of losing.”
Now back at Longbourn where she truly belonged, Elizabeth endeavoured mightily to resume all her former routines. Elizabeth intended to rectify the one habit she had allowed to falter. She sat at her desk and commenced writing.
Today marks a week since my return to Longbourn. I would like to say that nothing has changed in all the time I have been away, save Lydia’s absence and the ensuing peace that must be expected as a result, but that would not be true. The fact is that much has changed. I have changed.
When I was last at Longbourn, I awakened each day with a sense of loss of my beloved sister that simply would not wane.
I returned having come to terms with that loss, but also with a sense of longing.
Try as I might to pretend otherwise, there is no point in denying my true feelings.
With Lucy and Lord Holland, I might insist upon doing so, but surely not with myself.
When one feels they have nothing to look forward to, one tends to dwell upon the past. Awakening each morning in Bosley and wondering what another day with Mr. Darcy held in store gave me something wonderful to look forward to. His departure dissipated that exhilarating sense of anticipation.
While being back at my beloved Longbourn has helped, I must confess that it is not the balm for my disappointed spirits that I hoped it would be.
Papa has yet to voice dissent over my leaving Bosley, and thus ending any chance of reconciliation between Lady Vanessa and him.
The same cannot be said of my mother. She is more than disappointed to think that one of her daughters is not a future heiress after all, and that my lot, my sisters’ lots, and thereby her lot are as bleak as ever.
The one certainty she has as a consequence of my turning away from all that might have been mine is that she will not lift one finger towards finding a husband for me.
How devastated she would be to learn that one of the reasons for my returning was to escape a marriage that was all but arranged by Lady Vanessa.
Mama would never understand. I hardly understand it myself.
I believe it most unfortunate that I could not be more favourably inclined towards a man who is charming and amiable and whose only failing is he is not Mr. Darcy.
There, I committed the words to paper for all eternity, and now I must forever imagine myself comparing every man I meet to Mr. Darcy and finding the otherwise worthy gentleman wanting.
Meanwhile, Darcy was more than a little annoyed that Lady Barrett had kept him waiting for nearly a half hour.
He supposed he deserved her ill treatment.
She likely blamed him for Elizabeth’s leaving Bosley and based upon what Lord Holland said, Darcy supposed she was correct.
He, however, could be just as stubborn as her ladyship.
Unlike the last time, he would not be so easily put-off.
He would return every day until he gained an audience with her if that is what it took. What he had to say was worth the wait.
Tired of sitting in the same attitude for so long, Darcy stood and walked over to the mantle.
There, he espied a miniature of Elizabeth.
He pressed his hand to his breast pocket.
How he had missed her—longed for her. He missed her teasing smile, her witty repartee, and her lips.
He did not wish to miss another day with her.
He was still holding her likeness when Lady Vanessa entered the room.
Returning the miniature to its proper place, Darcy bowed.
“Your ladyship, I thank you for receiving me this morning.”
“Mr. Darcy, please have a seat. May I offer you tea?”
Darcy smiled and nodded in acquiescence. Her ladyship busied herself with the preparations and then handed a cup to Darcy. “You are the last person I ever expected to see. What brings you back to Bosley?”
“You will recall my promise to return.”
“Indeed. However, I did not expect it would be this soon. You are aware that my niece has returned to Hertfordshire, are you not?”
“Yes, I have come from Avondale. Lord Holland informed me.”
“If you have spoken with Lord Holland, then you likely have a full account of what led to my niece’s decision to leave. What business can you have with me?”
“Lady Barrett, I know I am the last person you wish to see, but I really must see Miss Bennet again. I require your assistance. It is my ardent wish that you should hear what I have to say.”
“I suppose if you are determined, then I shall listen to you, but I make no promise that I can be persuaded to hear anything you have to say with pleasure.”
Satisfied that she had granted him an audience, Darcy set aside his cup and began his speech.