Chapter 14
WHAT THEY OUGHT TO BE
As much as Elizabeth enjoyed the fresh morning air as well as Mr. Darcy’s companionship, if she would but admit it, his taciturn manner was a cause for discomfort.
She surmised some conversation was in order.
After many pauses and many trials of various subjects, she ventured upon one that would surely satisfy her curiosity over his being there.
“Did Lord Holland tell you that I had returned to Hertfordshire?”
“Actually, he and I spoke on a number of subjects concerning you.”
“Oh?”
“You need not feel embarrassed. I could no more be angry with him for his ardent admiration of you than I could be angry with myself. We share similar tastes.”
“I will allow that he and I discussed a great many things concerning you, as well.”
“No doubt.”
“Have you not the slightest bit of curiosity about what we discussed?”
“You are determined to tell me, so I am obliged to listen.”
“Well, I normally would not say anything at all, but you are here, and I feel it a matter that truly must be discussed if we are to reclaim our prior standing as friends.”
“I should like to think we were more than just friends.” Darcy reached for Elizabeth’s hand, but she pulled away. “Pray tell me what did Lord Holland say that you want to discuss with me?”
“He said you were engaged to be married—to your cousin Miss Anne de Bourgh. Of course, he did say it was a tacit engagement and one that your family desired. He persuaded me that your purpose in leaving Bosley was to honour your family’s expectation.
I considered all he said in conjunction with your cousin’s arrival and your subsequent hasty departure.
I was compelled to attribute irrefutable truth to Lord Holland’s pronouncement. ”
“It is not true. I am not engaged to my cousin. I never have been, and I never will be. Lord Holland should not have told you such a falsehood. He knows where my heart lies.”
“How could he possibly know the workings of another person’s heart?”
“Believe me when I say, he knows. Surely you know it as well. His sole purpose in telling you about Anne was because he wanted you to doubt my constancy. It seems he accomplished his mission.”
“Mr. Darcy, if I have been given to doubt your constancy, it has very little to do what Lord Holland told me.”
“Then what other reason would you possibly have?”
“You … you led me to believe I was important to you … that you were someone I could depend on—when depending upon another was the last thing I ever wished for myself. You led me to believe I could trust you, but then you left so hastily with vague assurances that you would return. What was I to think?”
“You can trust me. I said I would return as soon as my business was settled, and I did.
In fact, I returned even sooner than I had planned.
I had to see you. I could no longer bear the thought of us being apart.
When I returned to find you gone, I came here as soon as arrangements could be made with Bingley to send orders to his housekeeper at Netherfield to prepare for my arrival.
“Now that I am here, I do not intend to waste another minute discussing Lord Holland and what his purposes were or my family’s expectations. All that means nothing to me, and it should matter even less to you.
“I will allow that I have made mistakes and suffered in your opinion because of it, but I will make things right again. I promise.”
Elizabeth thought long on the matter of whether or not to be truly happy about Mr. Darcy’s return.
She had to admit that she was quite unhappy during the time they were apart.
That emptiness she felt subsequent to his leave-taking was replaced merely by his smile when they greeted each other the evening before.
Still, he made it abundantly clear that matters of business—nay, sport were of utmost importance to him.
“I am actually surprised that you have come, Mr. Darcy. Does your being here mean that one of your horses is not racing in Ascot?”
Darcy’s countenance spoke to his amazement that she was knowledgeable of such a thing.
“I would be lying if I said I have not been following the sport since I was introduced to it in Bosley.”
“I am competing in Ascot. However, that does not mean I will be there. I am exactly where I need to be. My cousin Richard will oversee my interests.”
“Ah, your cousin Richard.”
“You say that as though you do not approve of him.”
“He is perfectly amiable, but I suspect he took a little too much pleasure in being the one to inform Lady Vanessa and me of your plans to leave Bosley in the manner in which he did.”
“Well, he was doing my aunt Lady Catherine de Bourgh’s bidding. I believe that once you get better acquainted with him, you will like him very much.”
“You presume a great deal to suppose he and I will ever lay eyes on each other again.”
“What else can I do? To suppose the two of you will never meet again would be to admit that I have failed miserably in my quest to win your heart. That, I assure you, is unacceptable.”
“Mr. Darcy, may I speak frankly?”
“Please do.”
“First, I will admit to being flattered by your attention. What is more, I have missed spending time with you. I did not enjoy feeling as I did during the time we were apart. But that is the thing; I did not like feeling that way. Rather than risk feeling that way again, I would rather feel nothing at all.”
“Surely you do not mean what you are saying.”
“I am rather certain I do.”
Darcy captured her hand in his. “I know what this is about. You are afraid.” Gently massaging her palm, he said, “I know I disappointed you by my precipitous leave-taking from Bosley. At the time, I supposed I had no other choice. However, I quickly came to know that my reasons for leaving so abruptly were paltry and inconsequential. Had I to do it again, my choice would be different.”
Elizabeth neither confirmed nor denied the veracity of his sentiments. Instead, she pulled her hand away from his tender grasp and put a bit of distance between them.
Darcy remained in place and clutched his hands behind his back.
However, he would not be dissuaded from his purpose.
“It is understandable that you are reluctant to give away your heart. You fear feeling again as you did when you lost your sister. Believe me, I understand. I liken your feelings to those I suffered when I lost my mother at such a young age. I closed myself off from the world, knowing that in so doing, I might never suffer the heartrending pain of loss again. But life does not work that way. I had to learn to relinquish my inhibitions and dare to live life to its fullest. I ask that you do the same.”
“You will admit then that there is something to be said about protecting oneself.”
“Yes, but you do not need to protect yourself from me. I would never do anything to hurt you. I cannot swear that I will never disappoint you again, for I am sure I most certainly will. Neither of us is perfect. As long as we live and embrace life to its fullest, we shall be subjected to those human frailties that render disillusionment. Such is the joy in living, giving something of ourselves to the unpredictable, the uncertainty.”
“Mr. Darcy, I—”
Darcy quickly approached her and brushed his thumb across her lower lip. “Miss Bennet, I cannot tell you how much I missed you while I was away from Bosley—away from you.” By now, they were standing rather close. He leaned in, even as he sensed her pulling away.
His delicate touch took her breath away. She felt the heat spread over her body as she pressed her hands to his chest. “This is all happening too fast.”
“I know it might seem that way, but for me, this has been too long in coming.” She had not rejected him, and that alone was encouraging enough. His mood lightened, he held up his hands in mock surrender. “However, I am a patient man.”
This portrait of him brought an amused smile to Elizabeth’s face.
“What? It is true, and I shall prove it to you.”
“We shall see, Mr. Darcy.” Elizabeth tore her eyes away from his and gazed at the mid-morning sky. “It is getting late. My family will wonder what is keeping me.”
“May I see you back to the village?”
“I would much prefer to walk, and you have your carriage.”
“Then I will walk with you.”
“I do not think—”
Before she knew what she was about, Mr. Darcy claimed her in his arms. He silenced her protest with a brush of his lips atop the tip of her nose. Elizabeth sucked in a quick breath and placed her hand atop her bosom, willing her heart to be still. She could hardly say no after that.
Upon their arrival, Darcy and Elizabeth entered the house, and right away she could tell something was amiss—as though a gloomy cloud hovered all about.
The housekeeper, usually pleasant and amiable, bore a grave and serious expression.
From the hallway, Darcy and Elizabeth could hear Mrs. Bennet’s unsettling lamentations.
“What shall become of my poor, poor Lydia?”
Elizabeth grabbed the housekeeper’s arm, but before she could muster a sound, the colonel from the brigade that had decamped to Brighton, Colonel Forster, sped past Darcy and her on his way out the door in such haste he barely acknowledged they were standing there.
“What on earth is happening?” Elizabeth raced into the parlour. “Mama, pray what has happened that has upset you so? Colonel Forster passed us in the hallway.” She drew a deep breath. “This has to do with Lydia! Pray she has met with no harm.”
Mary said, “It is the worst possible thing you could ever imagine.”
Chills poured over Elizabeth’s body causing her to tremble. “Lydia—dead!”
“No—it is even worse. Lydia has run away! She has thrown herself into the power of Mr. Wickham.”