Chapter 20
I hate that I lied to Damiano- I hate it far more than I want to admit.
The truth…. I’m fucking stupid.
Despite the horrible wedding events and being confronted by Aldo, I had walked out of that bathroom that night with the promise that I would protect everything I stood for– Everything I cherished.
Even if that means reliving my past and pain by not taking my birth control.
Having a baby that I’m not ready for.
In bed, with the sheets wrapped hectically around my naked body, I glance at my husband, who is sleeping soundly. For a long time, I just study him, entranced by his ethereal beauty when his mouth isn’t flying off the fucking hinges. His cold, dark features are illuminated by the glow that the television casts on him, but I enjoy it. I’ve always relished any light sneaking through his thick curtains at night. Witnessing the moonlight gleaming off his tanned complexion makes him appear serene and restful despite everything we’re going through.
I marvel at what I’ve been granted.
Those hard cheekbones are pronounced by his deep-set eyes. His straight nose has a bit of a crook, indicating it’s been broken at least once, but it gives him a rough edge. I itch to touch his facial hair, which is getting thicker from his lack of self-care this last week. Those lips that aren’t harshly releasing words that cut to the core with bluntness. And lastly, those tattoos I often forget he has because I’m too used to them to realize how fucking delectable he is when he’s not wearing a suit. Though I can’t tell where his body ink begins or ends, I enjoy thinking about it, obsessing over it…..
Worshiping it.
Tonight, after dinner, I could sense that something was different. From the moment he exited his office with Gio, he had seemed quiet- Pensive. There had been no insistence on devouring me like he had done in the last few days. There was no rush to eat dinner and get to our suite. I hadn’t needed to try to stop him from touching me when we had our usual nightcap in the sitting room. There’d been no gullibility in our hunger for each other like before.
Since we’d gotten married.
Not to say that I expected it, but I had started to look forward to being woken up with Damiano between my legs, his tongue laving at me, petting my core into an early submission before a fire awoke in my body. This morning had been the catalyst, and I had known instantly. What little honeymoon bubble and devout demented worship I had developed for him would vanish.
After all, he’s the future don of a family, and our wedding had gone to shit because of my past lover. Something like that shouldn’t have happened, but the blame had been shifted to us.
It wasn't until Vlad told me in Russian that he was at a meeting that I conceded my emotional defeat. The tiny bit of happiness was all I would ever feel, and I would have to learn to live with it. Then I’d had the bright- albeit stupid- idea not to take my birth control anymore. My original plan to fake my pregnancy and miscarriage flushed down the drain in one mental lapse of a moment.
But I would be able to get pregnant, which could ultimately end this silent war when I gave Damiano a baby.
Give him a baby.
An old part of me wants to pray that things happen quickly, but I also know full fucking well that prayers are a waste of time. Praying for someone to save my family ten years ago hadn’t helped. Praying that I would have a healthy baby all those years ago somehow hadn’t worked, and praying that I’m able to stay strong throughout this chapter of my life is proving impossible.
Get yourself together.
That voice I've been ignoring vibrates throughout me, and I push it further down. There’s no time to get lost in my wants when I know they won’t happen immediately. I need to coach myself on patience and trust.
I trust Damiano. I trust he will help me end the Rossis so we can still be together.
I stop at my thoughts.
I want to be with him for as long as he’ll have me.
Restless with the thoughts that consume me, I throw the covers off and get out of bed. The plush carpet immediately warms my feet, and it helps to cover the sound of me walking across the room to the closet. Once inside the massive space, I move to the settee in the middle of it and grab my robe off the edge. I drape the light material over my shoulders, push my arms through each side, and tie the sash to the side.
When I feel comfortable, I leave the room and walk through the dimly lit house until I reach the kitchen. Aware of what I want, I turn off the automatic sunken-in lights and grab the kettle off the stove. I fill it with more water and turn on the stove.
My arms cross underneath my breasts, and I step back to lean against the counter as I watch the kettle. I know it’s not going to make it boil any faster, but I can’t resist looking at the flames and getting lost in them.
I literally have nothing else to get lost in except memories that plague me.
“Do you ever wish you could be someone else?”
I watch as he finishes rolling the joint up with precision. His stare hyper-focused on me in a way that makes my heart flutter childishly. His tongue smooths over the inside layer of the thin wrapper in expertise. I watch him situate himself against the pillows behind him, and I lift my head that’s on his lap to give him the room to get comfortable before I lay it back down.
I’m supposed to be at school right now. Technically, I should be giving a presentation on a paper I worked extremely hard to complete, but Aldo texted me and told me not to go. He’d claimed he missed me after his trip to Chicago, which he had returned from last night, and needed to see me.
He’d said that he needed to smell me on him – Needed to get rid of the grime of being away too long.
And because I’d missed him, too, he hadn’t had to do much convincing.
So, here we were at his condo, both bundled under sheets and comforters after he’d devoured me the instant that I had gotten off the elevator.
Aldo smiles at me, and I mentally swoon at his hungry expression. I love him so much that I could look at that smile and be captivated repeatedly.
I’ve never told him, but he’s everything to me. Everything that I want to spend my life with.
When I’m having a hard day, my mother is up my ass, or I’m running behind, I think of him, and my worries dissolve. He makes me forget all the bad things that happen at home. The burdens I carry from taking care of Gaia since mom is always with Tommaso, and dad is never mentally around.
Aldo chuckles. “No, Amore mio. I love my life.”
He looks down at his nightstand and grabs the carelessly thrown lighter. “Why? Do you wish to be other people?”
Looking up into his eyes, which appear close to a bright caramel color with orange specks due to the sun that shines brightly in his room, I shrug with a chuckle. “I do. I thought it was normal.”
Aldo barely acknowledges me as he lights the blunt. He inhales deeply, holding everything in for a long time, and then he blows a cloud of smoke into my face that I take in without any problems.
“I mean, I have.”
He frowns. “Why?”
Boldly, I grab the blunt from him, then put it to my lips. I’ve never been much of a smoker, but I need a break. “My life sucks.”
I falter when he looks down at me. “Not with you, Aldie. You’re literally the only good thing I’ve ever had. My parents argue all the time. My dad hates my mom but is so in love that he won’t leave her because he hopes she’ll love him back. My mom is fucking your brother- Has been for years, and Gaia…”
I stop when I think about my baby sister. “Gaia deserves so much better.”
I’ve told him all of this before. I’ve told Aldo everything about me. I don’t think there’s anything about me he doesn’t know since he met me at nine when I had to go to work with my mom because I was sick. He sat outside the office with me, simply talking while my mother took notes on a meeting Tommaso was having.
She hadn’t been having an affair with him then, but it didn’t take long.
I lift my hand, pressing the blunt between his lips, and he accepts it, inhaling deeply. He swallows, and the smoke filters through his nostrils. “You love too hard, Echo. You can’t save or fix the world.”
A chuckle escapes my mouth. “I’m not trying to save the world. Just my sister. I want to get her out of here.”
His head snaps down to look at me. An expression I can’t place crosses his face, but he conceals it quickly. “Where are you going? Where do you want to take her?”
I shrug. As I move to place the blunt between my lips, the smell of it makes me feel sick suddenly. I hand it to Aldo. “Anywhere. I want her to see and experience things. She’s never been out of state or the city before. That’s fuckin’ dumb.”
He nods. “Well, let’s take her.”
“Let’s?”
I’m surprised at his words.
There have been times since I’ve started having sex with Aldo that he has hinted at us being something more permanent. He’s made jokes that he’ll never let me leave him now that he’s had me, but I’m sure he’s saying that to any other women he’s with, too.
I’m young, but I’ve never been dumb. My father claims that I’m an old soul. In reality, I’m just a child who had to grow up quickly because my parents have always been a bit selfish.
Aldo reaches out to his right, putting out the blunt, then his hand comes down, and he caresses my cheek. When he leans in to kiss me, I let him. “Yes, let’s take her somewhere. I don’t have anything to do this weekend. You two pack a bag, and we’ll go out of town.”
I chuckle at his words, not because that sounds great, but because it can’t happen. “You do remember that I’m a teen, right? Getting permission is gonna be a pain in the ass.”
Aldo sucks his teeth. His head falling back on the pillow, he inhales deeply, then lifts his head to look at me again. “Your mom will be with Tommaso, and your dad won’t care all that much. He’ll be at the comic book shop all day.”
His words sting worse than a slap. My body tenses up, and immediately Aldo takes notice. His eyes shine with an apologetic look, and he sighs. “Thanks,” I say.
“That’s not what I meant, amore. I want to spend as much time with you as possible. If that means we have to break more rules and take Gaia somewhere, then so be it. So long as my girl is happy.”
I beam at his words, not bothering to conceal my giddiness at his claiming me. “Your girl, huh?” I ask.
I sit up from where I lay on his lap and look at him. Aldo smiles. Without warning, he grabs me by the hips and lifts me to straddle him. The sheet I’m naked under falls and my body is exposed to him.
Something should feel entirely wrong about this. The fact that I’m a little more than half his age, my mother is having an affair with his older brother, and we’ve been hiding what we’re doing from almost everybody in my family, but I don’t care. None of them have a foot to stand on. I can’t remember when my parents acted like me or Gaia were essential to them.
Hands roam over my body in slow, leisurely movements that have me ready for another round. Aldo’s hands stop at my breasts, and he cups them in his hands. “Your boobs feel bigger, heavier.”
I arch into his touch, urged on by my super sensitive mounds when he applies a little pressure. My body, with a mind of its own, rubs on Aldo. “My period’s coming. They always feel like that right before.”
His eyebrow hikes up in question, and we both laugh. But instead of talking anymore, I situate myself over him and take over.
“Echo?”
The lights in the kitchen turn on automatically, and I snap out of my memory to see Damiano step in. Confusion lines his exhausted face, and he sleepily rubs at the scruff on his chin. “What are you doing here?”
“I, uh-”
I look at the kettle, finally boiling water. Typically, it whistles, but I didn’t lower the lid so I wouldn’t disturb anybody. “I couldn’t sleep, so I came to make some tea.”
Damiano frowns at my answer. “Is everything okay?”
I debate lying to him for a moment, saving him from my treacherous mind, but decide against it. If there’s one thing that he deserves, it’s the truth. While I can’t tell him everything, I can tell him about other things.
“Actually, no.”
I move to the kettle, turning it off. When I turn around, he already has a mug out and extended towards me. I take it, giving a quick thanks before returning to the task.
The kitchen is quiet as I gather my thoughts but get my tea ready. When I’m done, I look at him. I notice he’s in a pair of pajama pants and no shirt. The expanse of tattoos that cover him still make me revel in how sexy he is without even trying to be.
While I don’t have a single tattoo on my body, I am embellished with Luca's razor marks; his skin is flawless and completely concealed beneath the tattoo on the tattoo. There’s no space on his upper body left open for a bit of skin to peek through, except for parts of his fingers.
He cockily smiles at my unabashed perusal of his body. “Let’s go to bed and talk, Bellissima.”
“Okay.” I agree.
As much as I’m not ready to sleep yet, I know he wants to talk in the room because it’s private. We could never know if someone is listening in a mansion like this. Knowledge is power, but in our world, it can be leveraged to either live happily or be on the brink of death.
I’ve been living on the brink of death.
We make it to the room quickly. We don’t exchange words as he opens the door for me, and I enter. I make my way to the bed, placing the mug on my nightstand. When I return to the bed, I see the crumpled sheets, and last night’s memories flood my mind.
I push them away.
Damiano is in bed. Sitting up, his lower body under the covers, he looks at me. “Come. Talk to me, Bellissima.”
My robe is shed, and even though I’m naked underneath it, I crawl under the sheets. I seek Damiano’s body heat and scoot towards him. My head lies on his chest, my arm drapes over his front, and his arm comes around me to pull me closer. “Full disclosure with no judgment?”
I expect him to laugh at my request, but he doesn’t. Instead, he runs his hand up and down my side. “No judgment.”
I inhale his familiar scent, memorizing how his body wash enhances his masculine scent. With a deep breath to lead me on, I say, “I’m scared.”
Though Damiano doesn’t move beneath me, I can feel his heartbeat speed up. His hand rubs up and down my side, still in soothing movements. “What are you scared of?”
Everything? Anything? Nothing at all?
I sigh. My eye catches on a simple tattoo on his hip above the elastic band of his pants. To distract myself from the vulnerability that is about to pour out of my mouth, I trace it, ignoring his sharp inhale.
“I’ve never allowed myself to fall in love with anybody since Aldo. I never really considered it.”
His body tenses, and I know he doesn’t want to discuss just mentioning Aldo.
Especially after everything he’s going through right now because of Tommaso.
“Bellissima,”
Damiano’s right-hand crooks under my chin, and he lifts my gaze to meet his. “Don’t ever in our life together mention another man’s name that has been inside you in our bedroom.”
“Fair enough.”
I inch up and touch my lips to his for a simple peck.
He relaxes back into the pillows he’s leaning on. “I may have justifiable cause to kill one, but I can’t kill them all.”
Despite not wanting to, I smile up at him. “Being with you makes me want to let my guard down and be happy. But I also know this isn’t a life where we can have our walls down. There are too many obstacles ahead of us that I’m uncertain of to be able to allow that.”
He sighs. It doesn’t sound impatient or angry but resigned. “So, what are you scared of?”
I’m quiet. Trying to tell him what I want is proving more challenging than I thought. I haven’t opened my emotions up for talking since Sean years ago.
“I-”
I stop myself from saying the wrong thing.
“Take a deep breath, envision what is holding you back, and say it. I will still be here.”
I release a scoff-like chuckle. “I’m scared of losing you.”
There! The words are out.
The room is so silent that I feel like I’ve gone deaf. Damiano’s house and surrounding land have always been eerily quiet, but I can’t hear him breathing right now.
I look up at him. “Are you holding your breath?”
After a tense moment, Damiano laughs. “Did you think you said it in your head?”
I groan at his ill-intentioned joke. In response, I quickly move and pinch his nipple. He flinches under me, then takes my hand, holding it in his. I look at him to see a youthful smile on his face, but it becomes serious a moment later.
“You won’t lose me, Bellissima.”
Damiano lifts my hand to his mouth and kisses my knuckles. “There’s no place in life or death where I wouldn’t find you.”
Though I know we’re simply saying things to heal our kindred broken spirits, I look up at him. “You promise?”
“I promise. We may not always be on the same page, but we will always find a way to be together.”
He nods his head at his admissions. “Now drink your tea and get some sleep. We’re leaving first thing tomorrow.”
I look at him and see the honest expression on his face. Instead of reaching for the tea that dragged me out of bed, I snuggle up to Damiano more and close my eyes.
I doubt I will sleep great, but any sleep is better than none.