Chapter 6 #2
“With the mission to foster excellence and create unity amongst our people across all four kingdoms, regardless of insignis and house of origin. As such, we were established as the realm’s only fully integrated postgraduate institution.
Originally located in a small building in Rome, we quickly expanded to London, Moscow, and Cairo.
However, it was determined that all students would attend the same campus to promote our objective, and thus, this campus was constructed.
I’m fortunate enough to be a member of our first graduating class, the class of 1706! ”
The crowd erupts in applause while my mind erupts in confusion. Is that a joke? That would make him well over three hundred years old!
After the history lesson, the coach of some sports team gives the audience an overview of this year’s extracurricular offerings.
I should be listening, but I’m zoning out; I haven’t been able to locate any coffee.
I’m running on less than three hours of sleep and I was almost murdered last night, so I deserve a pass.
I feel like I’m sitting through a really awkward fever dream.
The only reason I’m pretty sure I’m awake is because no one’s naked, and someone is usually naked in my dreams.
Next, a group of students performs a skit about campus safety with some interesting pyrotechnics that seem way too advanced for an indoor show in a three-hundred-year-old theater, and another professor lists off achievements of this year’s incoming class.
Of which my name is obviously not mentioned.
I entertain myself by coming up with a list of my most crowning achievements.
One: has seen every episode of The Great British Bake Off and successfully recreated the technical challenge recipes from two episodes.
Two: once made a $50 grocery budget stretch for five weeks while living in Sacramento.
Three: fantastic rule follower, with the exception of the last twenty-four hours, and as long as you don’t count any federal or state laws as rules.
Four: recently punched a guy who, to my surprise, had a gun, in the ribs six times and did not get shot.
Five: currently not having a mental breakdown.
Chancellor Strom strolls back to the podium.
The program, which I located in my ridiculously large pile of papers, describes this final session as a Q I’m definitely having a psychotic break.
After Kian’s declaration, the chancellor invited everyone outside to a luncheon on the quad.
I consider hiding in the bathroom stall I’m currently tucked away in for the rest of the afternoon.
The last twenty-four hours have just been too much.
Hell, if I’m honest, the last twenty-two years have felt a bit like too much.
My head feels foggy, like the blood pumping through my brain has corroded and turned viscous, cutting off my circulation and not allowing me to think clearly.
When I was young and living the lifestyle Dmitri and I did, I didn’t have many opportunities to interact with other kids, especially not in academic settings.
So it took me a long time to understand that I’m rather clever.
For most of my childhood, I thought I was pretty stupid.
I haven’t felt like that for years, until now.
I feel so incredibly ignorant. All these people know more about me than me.
Growing up, everyone else around me seemed to know so much more than I did, too.
Adults knew all the big words and important things.
Like Jess, Dmitri’s first live-in girlfriend, who taught me how to wear lipstick, pad my bra, and shoplift from the makeup counter.
When I was nine, Dominic, who lived on our sofa for two months, taught me how to fence video games for quick cash and how to mix my first cocktail—a margarita on the rocks.
He’s probably the reason I’m a good bartender.
Dmitri taught me a lot, too. I’m realizing he also hid a great deal from me, as is evident by this weekend.
He would have never purposely made me feel dumb, but in trying to protect me, he shielded me from too much.
And now I’m here, at this fancy fucking school, around all these fancy fucking people, sensing that the last two decades of life lessons don’t actually count.
As I’m contemplating how long I can throw myself this pity party, my stomach grumbles, and I have my answer.
Sooner or later, my need for sustenance will win out.
Maybe getting some food and caffeine in me will help me think through all this crap.
If there’s one talent Dmitri helped me cultivate that I could never forget, it’s how to fake it until I make it.
And that’s exactly what I intend to do. I shake myself out of this headspace.
I may not know what the actual hell is going on right now, but I sure as shit will figure it out.