Chapter 63
HEATHER
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My right hand curls into a fist as I reread the sacrifice order taped to the door. Glen comes to a stop next to me, his pores sweating last night’s curry. I breathe through my mouth and prepare myself for a bout of sarcasm.
He doesn’t disappoint. “Looks like you’ll be saying goodbye to your friends sooner than you thought.”
Oh, the effort it takes to hold back the anger rushing through my veins. I can’t mess up now and give it all away. “Do you know why they brought it forward?”
Glen shrugs. Who knows, his shrug says. Who cares.
I dig my fingernails into my palms. Breathe.
Some of the devastation I’m feeling must show on my face because he extends a reluctant olive branch. “Maybe the sponsor wants the study results earlier. It happens,” he says, and strolls away.
I knew this day would come. I thought I was prepared for it, but why suddenly do my ribs feel too tight and my heart feel like it’s being squeezed out of my chest?
Whirling away, I walk at a fast clip to the bathroom and throw up my lunch in the toilet. I rinse out my mouth with cold water and splash the back of my neck.
My reflection stares back at me.
What are you going to do?
Justin’s warning at our first meeting plays in my head. You liberate the animals and they’ll just be replaced with another batch. It’s better if we force SolomiChem to stop the experiments altogether.
His advice is sensible, I know it is, but Justin hasn’t met Turbo. He hasn’t interacted with him. He hasn’t made promises to him he shouldn’t have.
The rest of the day I operate on autopilot, feeding the animals, cleaning out their cages, and helping with dosing. Later that afternoon, another high-dose dog from the chemopreventive study dies. Glen removes the body and I disinfect the cage.
After finishing, I check on Turbo. He isn’t doing too well, lying on his side, his breathing rapid and shallow. When he sees me, his head lifts feebly and he makes little whimpering noises. Seeing him like that, I know what I have to do.
#
Later that afternoon, my phone beeps with a text message.
Justin: Picking you up after work and taking you to dinner.
This high-handedness is so typical of him. I’m tempted to manufacture an excuse, but I know Justin won’t let me get away with one.
I text him a thumbs-up. My stomach is one big knot and I don’t know how I’ll be able to eat anything.
The sky is threatening rain again when I exit SolomiChem at five.
My eyes are drawn immediately to Justin’s tall, lean figure slouched against the passenger door of his roommate’s Hilux.
He watches me with a contemplative expression as I walk the short distance to the parking space he secured close to the entrance.
Pushing himself off the car, he smiles lazily at me, sending the blood rushing to my head. “Hello, girlfriend.”
“Justin.”
He winces. “Your acting needs work.”
I want to wince myself. A whole night stretches ahead of me where I need to act my heart out. Justin’s right. My acting skills are dismal.
He crooks a finger at me in a come here signal. When I warily step closer, he wraps an arm around my waist and pulls me up against him. My body tenses at the intimate contact.
“Emaciator’s just walked out the building,” he whispers in my ear. “He’s watching us. Remember, you’re supposed to be my girlfriend.”
I swallow. Justin has a point. I can’t have Glen suspecting anything and ruining my plans. Tilting my head up, I bat my eyes and place a hand on Justin’s chest. “Hey, handsome.”
He bites his lip and buries his face in my hair, his shoulders shaking with silent laughter.
“You’re not helping here,” I grumble.
“Give me a moment,” he chokes out. At last, he lifts his head and brushes a light, affectionate kiss across my lips. “TT, that was the highlight of my day.”
#
Justin takes me to a pizza restaurant close to SolomiChem. He insists I accompany him in the Hilux, saying he’ll drop me off later to pick up my car.
“Tell me about your day,” he says after the waiter takes our order.
I tell him about the death of the high-dose dogs and some of the other studies I’m assigned to. I say nothing about the sacrifice order.
Our food arrives. While Justin tucks into his pizza, I toy with my garden salad, tension ulcerating my insides.
Halfway through his pizza, Justin raises an eyebrow at the salad I’ve barely touched. “Not hungry?”
“Not really.”
He looks at me with sharpened interest. “What’s going on?”
I try not to look trapped by the question. “What do you mean?”
“You’re jumpy and distracted. It’s not doing anything for my ego.”
I scrounge around and find a small smile. “Sorry. There’s a lot on my mind at the moment.”
“Care to share any of it?”
I clear my throat. “I’m still processing it all.”
He continues to eye me suspiciously. “You bottle all that up and you may as well drink poison.”
“Speaking from experience?”
Seconds tick by. At last, Justin says, “I never expected you to fight dirty.”
My face reddens. “I’m sorry.”
He shrugs. “Don’t be. It’s the only way I know to fight.”
He eats the rest of his pizza in silence and I make myself eat some of my salad in an effort to ease his suspicions.
After we finish our meal, Justin drives me to SolomiChem’s parking lot.
Only a couple of vehicles remain in the lot.
When he gets out of the car, my breathing quickens. I was hoping he’d simply drop me off.
“I’ll follow you home,” he offers.
“Thanks, but I think I’ll finish up some work before I head home.”
He regards me for a moment in silence. “What are you up to?”
“Up to?” I echo, manufacturing a puzzled expression, my heart racing.
“You’re planning something. Something monumentally stupid and possibly dangerous, would be my guess. It’s written all over you.”
I look away from the questions in his eyes. Anger is coming off him in waves. I can’t lie and my improvising needs work so I keep quiet, realizing at the same time Justin is astute enough to read the truth in my silence.
“Talk,” he orders.
“They put up a sacrifice order for the beagles in the chemo study. They’re going to be killed tomorrow.”
Comprehension dawns on his face. “And you’re going in tonight to rescue them.”
“Yes. Well, actually, only one.”
“Turbo.” A muscle ticks in his jaw. “What about the others?”
“I can’t take them.”
“Why not?”
“There are too many of them and half of them are so sick they can’t walk,” I cry. “The sacrifice order only went up today. There was no time to prepare.”
“Exactly! You’ve had no time to prepare and you’ll screw up the whole operation.”
“I won’t.”
He takes a deep breath and tries for a patient tone. “If you liberate Turbo, your work will be for nothing. The necropsy video you took will be lost in all the noise SolomiChem will stir up over the theft of their property.”
“I can’t let Turbo die,” I whisper.
A light rain starts to fall. Standing in the empty parking lot, neither of us moves to take shelter. We stare at one another in a silent impasse.
Finally, Justin says, “I get that you’re attached to him, but you can’t go through with your plan.”
“You don’t understand, I have to.”
He briefly closes his eyes. “I can’t allow you to rescue him or any of them.”
At his words, I back away, a furious despair building up inside my chest.
Justin shakes his head. “Don’t do this.”
Raindrops cling to the lenses of my glasses. With trembling hands, I take them off, tucking them into my pocket. “Justin, please, let me go to Turbo.”
“No.”
“We can make a difference in the life of one dog. We can save him.”
“Yeah, you can save one,” he says harshly, “but what about the hundreds of others who will die after Turbo? This was never a rescue mission. This operation was about exposure and changing the way a company does business. You knew that,” he reminds me forcefully. “From the start, you knew that.”
“A mission can change,” I tell him in desperation. “People can change.”
“Not this time.”
“I don’t care what you say, I’m going.”
Before I can move, Justin grabs my wrist, jerking me up against his damp shirt. “I warned you before I fight dirty. Restraining you physically won’t be a problem.”
“Let me go!”
“Not happening.”
I try to jerk free, but he doesn’t loosen his hold.
“What about the rest of the evening?” I challenge. “The beagles are going to be killed tomorrow morning. Will you watch me the whole night?”
“Yes,” he says simply.
Standing in the rain, soaked to the bone, I feel my face crumbling. He’ll do it. He’ll stand vigil outside my house until morning to make sure I don’t sneak back here and rescue Turbo. My shoulders slump.
“Okay, you win,” I admit, my voice breaking. “I won’t rescue him, but I have to say goodbye.”
He tightens his grip on me. That’s when I realize I’m trembling. “Goodbyes won’t do you or him any good,” he tells me hoarsely. “It’ll be harder walking in there and having to walk out without him.”
It takes me all of two seconds to realize he’s not going to let me go to Turbo. Not even to say goodbye.
“Justin, I have to see him, I have to give Turbo one last hug before...before they...” I can’t finish. I’m holding on by the flimsiest thread.
“I’m sorry, TT. If you go in to say goodbye, you’ll take him. You’ll want to take all of them. I can’t risk you landing up in jail. That would destroy me.”
“You can’t do this!” In my pain and anger, I lash out at him, calling him all kinds of names. He stands there and takes it. I try desperately to get away from him, but with grim determination he resists all my efforts to free myself, taking without complaint the blows I rain on him.
It’s only when I catch a glimpse of his rain-soaked face that the fight goes out of me. Justin’s eyes are bloodshot, his jaw tight, neck corded with strain. The weight of his decision has carved bleak furrows in his forehead.
It hits me then that this is hurting him as much as it is me.
I stop struggling. Deep in my gut, as much as I hate to admit it, I know he’s right.
Justin watches me warily, his fingers still encircling my wrist.
“I won’t go to Turbo,” I tell him, feeling so drained I can barely get the words out. “I won’t fight you on this. You have my word.”
He lets me go, and I push my wet hair out of my face.
“I’m sorry,” he says again, his voice raw with pain, his expression helpless. “I’m so sorry.”
“I know you are.” I release a shaky breath. “I’m not returning to SolomiChem. I can’t.”
He looks at me, saying nothing.
“We have the necropsy video. And I have my notes, as well as pictures of the beagles. That has to be enough.”
“I understand,” he says softly. “I’ll talk to Kane.”
My chest is tight. “I have to go. I need my family around me. They can’t take my pain away, but they can help me carry it. I just don’t have the strength to bear this alone.”
He frowns. “What am I, invisible?”
My eyes lock with his. “You’re the guy who says he doesn’t want or need anyone. I’m finally giving you what you want.”
#
Driving home, I grip the steering wheel and stare blindly out the rain-spattered windscreen.
Turbo will never learn to chase a ball. He will never go for a walk on the beach. Never feel the sun warming his fur or sleep on a soft cushion or snuggle in a lap. He was born and bred in a laboratory and now he’ll die in one.
I’m sorry, Turbo. Sorry that you’re all alone tonight. Sorry that I won’t be with you tomorrow when you take your last breath. And I am so very, very sorry that I didn’t save you.
I cry all the way home. I cry for Turbo and for all the other beagles in the study.
I cry for Justin, for the terrible vulnerability in his eyes he couldn’t hide from me.
My love for my family and their love for me will carry me through tonight, as well as all the nights after this.
But Justin has to bear this night alone, because this time I was strong enough to leave.
And oh, how it hurts. It hurts so much to leave the man I’m falling hopelessly and impossibly in love with.