Chapter 56
FIFTY-SIX
ANNA
The final notes of ‘You and I’ swelled into the stillness of the auditorium, the black-and-white chequered stage set seeming to glow under the lights. Then the hall erupted into rapturous applause, whoops and wolf whistles threatening to send the roof soaring up into the balmy June night.
The cast and chorus tumbled on to the stage, tired and jubilant, looking like secondary school pupils again instead of the passionate performers they’d been for the past two hours.
But I wasn’t looking at them. I was looking at my son, his hands still suspended over the piano keys, his hair damp with sweat, a grin of disbelieving delight beginning to spread over his face.
Then the girl who’d played Svetlana hopped off the stage, seized his hand and pulled him up to join the others as they basked in applause.
It was only a school adaptation of an old West End musical, but – if I said so myself – the kids had done Chess proud.
All Barney’s late-night rehearsals, all my fretting about whether he was neglecting his studies in favour of this, all the times I’d come down to find the kitchen in carnage thanks to his midnight scrambled-egg making, were worth it to see the glow of pride and achievement on his face now.
‘That was glorious.’ Next to me, Louisa was still dabbing her eyes. ‘I can’t believe that was my grandson up there.’
Since before Christmas, when I first told the children they had another grandmother, we’d navigated this new relationship with caution.
Lulu and Barney were old enough to understand about mental health struggles, although Gray’s denial of his mother’s existence had been harder for them to get their heads around.
‘Why would he do that, Mum?’ Barney had asked. ‘I can’t imagine deciding I didn’t want to see you again – not ever.’
I snuggled him closer to me. ‘I hope you never do. It must have been an incredibly painful decision for Dad to make. But he was only young, remember – only a couple of years older than Lulu. And he wanted to name you after her, didn’t he, sweetheart? That meant a lot to him.’
‘I wish we could ask him about it,’ Lulu had said. ‘There’s so much we didn’t know about him.’
‘I know,’ I said. ‘But there’s also so much we’ve found out.’
When I took the children to Wales to meet Louisa over the Easter break, we’d all felt awkward and nervous.
Louisa made tea and showed the children the cards and letters Gray had sent her over the years, and they had marvelled over the news of Gray’s graduation, our wedding and their own births, told in their father’s words.
‘I felt almost as if I knew you,’ Louisa had said sadly. ‘But I never thought I would get to meet you properly.’
Tentatively, she suggested that they might like to attend the Easter church service at the chapel, and to my surprise they had agreed.
The choir had sung ‘Guide Me, O Thou Great Redeemer’, and although the tune was familiar to us, the Welsh lyrics had made it feel less religious and more… spiritual, somehow.
I’d found myself moved to tears then, as I had been earlier tonight when I’d had to stifle a sob during ‘I Know Him So Well’, and Lulu had passed me a tissue before gripping my hand and not letting it go until the song finished.
‘My baby brother,’ she said now. ‘Not bad for a smelly little kid.’
‘He did so well.’ I blew my nose. ‘He was so nervous earlier, I was terrified for him.’
On Louisa’s other side, I saw Orla smile. ‘Sometimes you’ve just got to let them take the leap and watch them fly.’
Then Louisa whispered something to her, and she said, ‘We’ll see you outside. We’re just going to…’
The two of them edged their way along the row of seats, presumably heading off to find the ladies’ before the queue got too bad.
‘Mum.’ Lulu leaned in close to me. ‘You know the guy who was playing Freddie?’
‘Wasn’t he amazing? One of the mums said on the WhatsApp group he’s going to RADA next year.’
‘He asked me out.’ She smiled shyly.
‘He did? What did you say?’
‘I said I’d think about it. But if he asks again I might say yes. He’s hot, right? And nice. Not up himself at all.’
I smiled down at her glowing, excited face. ‘I’m not sure being in a relationship with an actor would be the easiest thing, you know.’
‘Mum! Steady on. We’re talking a movie and a pizza, not marriage.’
I laughed. ‘Just as well. I don’t want you marrying anyone any time soon.’
‘Good, because I’m not going to.’
The third curtain call was coming to an end.
The audience was still on its feet, but the clapping was dying down, everyone’s hands presumably smarting as much as my own were.
The drama teacher, who’d joined the pupils on stage to share in the applause, had presented bouquets to the lead performers and one to Barney, who was holding it clumsily as if he’d never seen flowers before.
Lulu and I joined the stream of people making their way to the exit. Parents who I couldn’t recall ever speaking to before approached me to congratulate me on my son’s achievement, and I saw Lulu bask in reflected glory, selflessly happy for her brother.
Several said, ‘Your husband would have been so proud.’
I said, ‘Thank you. Yes, he would.’
Would he? Of course. Surely seeing his son excel, finding a gift that everyone seemed to think had come out of nowhere, would have delighted Gray. Perhaps it would even have helped him rediscover the talent he had turned his back on.
But then, if Gray had still been alive, perhaps Barney would never have found music at all.
At last, we emerged from the stuffy hall into the cool night. The crowd seemed to be making its way in the direction of the white-clothed table laden with bottles, where the PTA was doing a roaring trade in Pimm’s and Prosecco.
I was relieved to notice that I didn’t want a drink – not one bit.
Lulu and I took our water bottles out of our bags and drank, moving together away from the crowds, finding a bench on the edge of the playing field where we sat to wait for Orla and Louisa.
‘Mum.’ Her voice was hesitant. ‘Can I ask you something?’
‘Of course.’ I steeled myself for her question: would she find her calling in life like Barney had found his?
I was sure she would – she already had a summer internship arranged at the hospital where Laurel worked, and was confident that she’d smashed her mock A-levels.
Did I still miss Gray? Yes, I did, and I always would.
Was Jordan – the boy who’d played Freddie – as right for her as Callum had been wrong?
I had no idea – that, she would have to discover for herself.
But I hadn’t prepared myself for the question she did ask.
‘Mum. Were Dad and Laurel sleeping together?’
Six months earlier, I might have lied. The loss of her father would have been too recent to tarnish his memory; my own anger too fresh to prevent me exposing it to my daughter; my jealousy of Laurel too intense to admit anything that might push my daughter further away from me.
Then, I might still have believed that some truths were better kept hidden.
Now, I felt differently. The secrets that had clouded Gray’s entire adult life, the lies he had told me, the damage done to him in childhood that had made him the man he had been, had caused enough harm. It was time to break their power.
‘Yes,’ I said. ‘Yes, they were.’
‘Was Dad in love with her?’
‘I think so. Or I think he thought so.’
‘Would he have left us?’
I sighed. ‘I don’t know, darling. I think probably not. I think he loved us all too much for that. And I don’t think Laurel would have wanted it either.’
‘Would you have kicked him out?’
I managed a trembly laugh. ‘That’s what you’re supposed to do, isn’t it? Get your ducks in a row, leave the bastard. But I’m not sure about that, either. And we’ll never know, will we?’
‘Being an adult is shit, isn’t it?’ Her mouth was drooping at the corners like a sad-face emoji.
I reached for her hand and gripped it fiercely. ‘No. It’s complicated, that’s for sure. But it’s wonderful. Look at everything I’ve got – you, Barney, Augustus, the house, your nanna – all of that is thanks to your dad.’
‘So you don’t mind any more?’
‘About Laurel? No, I don’t. She’s a good person, and your dad was too. And Louisa. But sometimes good people do bad things, and it’s how you deal with them that really matters.’
‘You mind about Dad dying, though, don’t you?’ she asked.
‘Oh, yes. I’ll always mind about that.’
I put my arm around her and pulled her close to me, feeling her hair tickle my lips as I kissed her silken head.
Then we got to our feet and walked slowly away together to find Barney, Orla and Louisa and make our way back to Damask Square.
*
If you loved All the Things We Never Knew, step inside Orla’s house on Damask Square where long-buried secrets are about to surface. All Our Missing Pieces is a deeply moving story about the families we find, the secrets we keep and the healing power of forgiveness.
Get it here, or read on for an exclusive extract!