~ 18 ~
Lily
Rona was wrapped around me on the bed. We’d been tossing and turning all night, both unable to sleep very well.
It wasn’t until after we’d had impromptu hot and sweaty sex in the middle of the night that we finally got to sleep.
Being in a couple again was the strangest feeling.
I’d got so used to being on my own. I’d forgotten how much time was spent with the person and how little time and space I would get to myself.
We’d been wintering together and getting all cosied up at each other’s houses.
I loved cooking for Rona, and she couldn’t get enough of my paella, in particular.
Our first Christmas together was magical.
We learned more about each other’s families, although we didn’t introduce each other to them yet.
But we’d discussed doing it soon. We spent more time with Nikki and Sophie, who now loved Rona nearly as much as I did.
Rona was the sweetest, most generous person I’d ever met.
We even had new shared rituals like having pancakes for breakfast on Sunday mornings.
She was the first person I wanted to share things with and she occupied my mind the great majority of the time.
Rona was amazing and I was in love with her, but there was a little sadness in me at the freedom I’d lost. Most of the time, I was just happy to be with her, but that sliver of doubt at what I’d given up was annoyingly still there, and it kept me up at night sometimes.
“I’ve got to go,” I whispered, and kissed Rona’s cheek, once, before unlocking myself from her limbs. I pushed myself up and got off the bed, not rested.
“No,” she murmured, half-asleep. “Come back. It’s Sunday.”
“I know.” I slipped off my shorts and top and wrapped a towel around my body, tying it at my chest. “I’m sorry, but I have to get up.”
Rona looked away and frowned.
I’d accepted a last-minute guest to interview for my new podcast, Life’s Greatest Lessons.
Since I won the Ballon d’Or towards the end of last year and my appearance on Daniel Greenwood’s podcast aired, I’d moved forward with my idea to start a podcast, and I was so glad I did.
Both had gained me traction, and I was working hard to build on it with my podcast idea.
Along with getting into a routine commentating on matches with the BBC every other week and even some England matches, I’d set up a studio in my spare bedroom downstairs, complete with backdrop and professional lighting and equipment.
I’d taken on an assistant. Freya, a recent graduate, handled the technical side of things and most of my bookings.
I’d thrown myself into my podcast and had reached out to many of my contacts to be a guest on my show.
I couldn’t believe how many people were willing to speak with me and share their stories.
It was all so new, and I was thrilled with the challenge.
The podcast had started strong, rising in the charts and getting positive early feedback.
The turning point came when I interviewed the England manager about her life.
Downloads and views had skyrocketed. To say I was grateful she’d spoken to me about such personal things and given her time up to be on my new podcast, would be a considerable understatement.
David’s prediction for my future career prospects, all the way back when I did my first commentating stint, was being left for dust. He was wrong about me. I was finding new ways to feel useful and inspired.
Freya would be here in an hour, and our guest would be here in three hours.
I needed to go over my notes again and to prepare.
Arguably, I was already prepared but I felt strongly about being meticulous.
That’s what had seen me through my football career and the same principles applied in this, I was fast realising.
The format, the editing, the coming up with questions to ask, the vision I had for the podcast, I was learning so much and I couldn’t get enough of it.
Today was another opportunity to speak with someone equally as high-profile and impactful, Dr Yvonne Bright, one of the world’s leading experts on women’s health.
She was going to discuss her new book about perimenopause and lessons learned from older women and the latest research.
I was hoping to help women be more informed about this huge life-stage, and to educate myself more on such an important topic.
Rona pushed herself up and sat with her back to the headboard and yawned. Her hair was all messed up yet she looked so beautiful and pure. I loved seeing her first thing in the morning. Her eyes locked onto me, and I saw disappointment in them. It made me want to run out the door.
“I’ve hardly seen you all week, Lily.”
There it was. The line I knew was coming.
It was true. I’d been focusing exclusively on my podcast. I needed to get it off the ground properly and I was loving it so much.
Plus Rona herself had been busy in the studio.
Between a few short Facetimes and two late-night dinners, that was about it this week.
It was the only time I had at the moment. “This is important to me.”
“I’m sorry,” Rona continued. “I know it’s your new thing and you’ve got lots on. It’s just… I miss you.” Rona drew the duvet towards her, bringing it up to her chest.
I sat down on the edge of the bed beside her to reassure her, despite wanting to not have the conversation at all. “I miss you, too. I just need to focus on the podcast for now, and that’s going to mean long hours like this. But I’m not going anywhere. I’m yours.”
Rona nodded, fiddling with the duvet, a small smile appearing.
“Will you come meet Dr Bright and watch the interview? You don’t have to but you’re more than welcome. Then we can have the rest of the day together?”
A bigger smile leapt from Rona’s mouth. “Of course I want to stay and watch you. I’m so happy you asked.”
I leaned over and hugged her gently. She was so precious to me, and I did not want to fuck this up by doing what I always did in relationships.
Rona spoke over my shoulder. “I’m happy for you, Lily, I really am. I guess I just wasn’t expecting to have to share you with anything this early on in our relationship.” Rona hugged me harder, squeezing me. “I want you all to myself.”
I loved that she felt this way about me.
There was a deep sense of peace in our love and in what she was saying, but there was also a part of me that felt suffocated at committing to another person like this.
I was all in, in theory, but I wasn’t used to negotiating my time in practice.
I wanted to sleep without cuddling sometimes but didn’t know how to ask.
I couldn’t believe that this discomfort was happening to me again with Rona, whom I loved with all of my heart.
I pulled back from our embrace, eager to get downstairs for my guest, and felt guilty about it. Rona deserved more from me.
She deserved the high of us being together to continue for as long as possible.
I wanted that too. I could see my future with Rona.
But like it or not, I also had this new work thing now.
I’d met Rona at a crossroads in my working life.
I needed to honour my desire to explore this new podcast and grow into my speaking career, whatever that meant.
I smiled with my mouth closed, a mixture of feelings swirling inside me.
“You have me all to yourself. This is just work.”
Rona smiled, taking a deep breath. “I do like the sound of that.” She slid the duvet off and made to get up. “Can I do anything to help you get set up? When will Freya be here?”
“Nine.”
“Hmmm. So, we both need showers at exactly the same time?” Rona said, innocently.
“Uh-huh.”
She ran her hand in between my towel, making contact with the fleshy part of my thigh. “It seems like there’s only one solution here.”
“I agree.” I wrapped my hand around her wrist, feeling the urge to pull her on top of me. Instead, I stood and held onto her hand, pulling her towards the shower. We could get more creative in there.
***
My guest was a highly educated and successful leader in her field as an established surgeon and research scientist over in the US.
She was on a mission to encourage women to build stronger bones and muscles to protect themselves from preventable diseases and complications later in life.
She wanted to be on my podcast to reach a younger female audience and link into the world of sport.
She had long black hair and the most vibrant complexion for a woman approaching sixty that I’d ever seen.
Her bright green dress and red lipstick were striking.
She commanded respect and was equally approachable and easy to talk to.
She leant forward into her microphone and paused. I had no idea what she was going to say next. I was learning so much from her and hung off her every word.
Rona and Freya sat at the opposite side of the studio, it was easy to forget this was my guest bedroom, watching the conversation. Rona’s presence was comforting.
“I would say one of the biggest disappointments I came to realise in my career, and in my life in general, is that the scientific and medical communities have historically deprioritised research on women in relation to healthcare. This has caused so much unnecessary suffering to women and it’s unacceptable.
Women are not small men. We deserve more.
Conversely, I think one of the best moments in life is when a woman realises she is worth more than the patriarchal medical establishment has allowed her to feel. ”
“Why have women been deprioritised in health research?”