All the Way Around the Sun

one

the beginning

It’s strange to think about how, for me, there is no time before you, but there will be, after. When I came into this world,

you were already here, two years ahead of me. I guess that’s what makes it hard to get used to. I guess I’m still getting

used to it, even now.

The day you leave for college, we drop you off at the airport. Mama and Baba buy you a one-way ticket to Boston. We’d never

bought a one-way ticket anywhere until then. The ticket sticks out to me the most, the idea that we couldn’t plan for when

you’d come back. You are flying into the wider world, and we are letting go of the tether, hoping that you will return on

your own. That you won’t get lost in space.

Looking between you and our parents is like two sides of a looking glass. Mama and Baba are teary. But even though you are

trying to seem sad too, I can see that you are actually suppressing excitement.

I wonder what I look like.

You give us each a hug outside the security checkpoint. I’ve never seen Baba cry before, but his face leaves damp patches

on your shoulder. I mainly just feel curiously detached, as if my body hasn’t quite figured out what’s going on yet.

“Enjoy being an only child,” you whisper, teasing.

“I’ve been waiting all my life,” I retort.

You hug me tight for an instant, and then it’s over. You walk toward the security entrance. Right before you turn the corner,

you look back for a moment and flash us a grin. You disappear.

My entire life, I’ve felt as though you were walking ahead and I was following you. When we were young, I remember Nai Nai

shouting after you wherever you went, “Deng deng mei mei , wait for your sister!” Me, toddling after. Seeing your back while you headed somewhere else was nothing different for me.

What’s different is that this time, no one asks you to wait. You are really leaving me behind.

I watch you go and know that nothing will ever be the same for me again.

The beginning of life without you.

If we had known then that you wouldn’t return, we would have never let you go. We would’ve forced you into the car and driven

all the way back downstate.

We would’ve kept you here.

We would’ve made you stay.