twelve
Nine blocks later, we stumbled to a halt at a cluster of trees. I doubled over panting and out of breath from laughter, one
hand pressed against a trunk to steady myself.
“Really out of shape,” Alan said, breathing hard and cracking up.
“Why did we just run halfway across campus?”
“I—just—really wanted—to get away.”
“I don’t think Danny is going to find us,” I said.
We looked at each other and lost it again.
I was giggling so hard that my stomach was cramping. “I can’t. Stop. Don’t talk to me.”
We stood there, wheezing, until we could catch our breaths again.
“Sorry about all that,” he said after we gathered ourselves. “Back there, I mean.”
“It wasn’t your plan to leave me with him?”
He looked appalled. I felt something inside me unclench with relief.
“I didn’t want to leave you at all. I stepped outside, and when I came back, I couldn’t find you.”
We got quiet.
“He used to be different. Hell of a debater. But he was super sweet and shy,” he said. “I don’t know what happened.”
“People change in college. It’s just part of the process,” I replied darkly; always, always thinking of Sam.
He didn’t seem to get the reference. “You wouldn’t have known him from before. You would barely have guessed it was the same
guy.”
“Hmm. That seems familiar.”
His mouth opened and closed again. “Okay. I deserved that.”
I felt mildly appeased at my jab. But truthfully, I wasn’t angry at him anymore. I had left it behind somewhere between the
house and four blocks ago. The moon was high in the sky now, big and glowing, and it was nice to be outside. The air tasted
fresh. I felt brand-new. For the first time, I didn’t mind being in Alan’s presence.
“It’s all right,” I relented, letting him off the hook. “A lot has happened since then. We are all different people now.”
“You’re still the same. You’re still exactly as I remember.”
“And what’s that?” I deadpanned. “Awkward, anxious, and uninteresting?”
“Insightful. Funny. Forgiving. And pretty.”
I flushed, grateful that we were shrouded in shadow so he couldn’t see. “Now you’ve gone too far.”
“What? Danny thought so,” he said innocently. “And I never thought you were uninteresting. No matter what you may have believed.”
“Well, you’re different anyway. To be expected, since you moved to California ages ago and started over.”
“What do you mean?”
“I mean I only know the Mount Pierce version of you from back then. And that version of you apparently doesn’t figure into
your new persona.”
He rubbed his chin in bemusement. “I don’t quite follow.”
“Only that I heard through the grapevine that nobody even knows you ever lived in Illinois. People think you came straight
from Shanghai. More worldly and interesting that way, I guess. You are good at curating a compelling backstory.”
“I see,” he said, raising his eyebrows. “What else have you heard? I want to know what’s being said about me in the halls
of Weston High.”
“That you’re popular. I know everyone knows about you, which is not nothing in such a big school.”
He grimaced. “I don’t know what it means to be ‘popular,’” he said, putting his fingers up in air quotes.
“Oh, please, Alan. I think you know exactly what it means to be popular. You’ve always known how to be popular, no matter where you’ve lived. Somehow you’ve found a way, whether you’re surrounded by white Midwesterners or West Coast Asians. I shouldn’t at all be surprised.”
He shook his head, trying to dismiss it. “You have me all figured out, I guess.”
“Of course I do. I was your secret keeper, remember?” I said lightly.
“As if I could forget,” he replied.
Alan’s father had been stern and slow to warm up. He was very smart, very respected. I remembered that Baba always seemed
to defer to him in the room, even though they were friends. He spoke deliberately. He did not talk to Sam or me very much,
and when he did, he seemed uncomfortable, whereas Alan’s mother was chatty and loved engaging with children. I didn’t like
being around him much.
I could tell that Alan would behave differently around his father. He’d stand straighter, not laugh as much, lift his chin.
Once, when his family was at our house and we were having a loose potluck, his father asked him to recite some classical Chinese
poems.
“Speak louder,” he commanded, two lines in. “You sound like a mouse.”
Sam and I glanced at each other, sensing Alan’s humiliation rising as though a layer of steam. Our parents were less showy.
They never asked us to perform for others.
I tried to catch Alan’s eye, but he seemed determined not to look at me.
After that, he always seemed to talk in a loud voice around his father.
“Why do you do that?” I asked him, days later. “Shape yourself around him?”
He shrugged. “It’s always been like this. It’s just easier. Don’t you do the same thing for your parents?”
He wasn’t wrong. I worked hard at school, even though it wasn’t easy for me like Sam. I wanted to be good at what Baba valued.
Still, Alan’s outward conformance rubbed me the wrong way. “I think your dad’s messed up. What else does he not like about
you? Are you just going to stop doing everything he doesn’t like?”
“That’s why I like hanging out around you. You don’t think that I talk too fast or birds are for girls or card games rot your
brain. I can just be myself.”
“I’m like your secret keeper.”
“Yes!” he exclaimed, thrilled at the idea that he had someone on whom he could unload everything he couldn’t be at home.
I didn’t like it so much. It felt like a big, weird responsibility to put on a person and made our relationship seem too transactional.
But I said nothing because Alan was my friend, and it seemed to make him happy.
“Anyway, that was ages ago,” I told him. “Maybe it wasn’t even real. Maybe it was just another game.”
“I was always real around you. You made it easy.” He looked at me with the kind of open, disarming expression that made my heart pull sideways. It was then that I had to admit an uncomfortable truth.
Maybe it was the buzz from the jungle juice or the moonlight or the fact that he had rescued me like some kind of knight in
shining armor I’d never believed in, but it was impossible right now not to think about how much I’d once liked him. Maybe those feelings hadn’t been entirely platonic; back then, it would’ve been
hard to pick it all apart. But now it was coming back to me.
Still, we hadn’t talked about the big thing between us. The thing that allowed me to guard myself, just enough.
Alan seemed to want to say something important.
I stopped him. I wasn’t ready just yet. I had to trust him, really believe that he could no longer hurt me, because I couldn’t
survive another betrayal like the last one. I wouldn’t let him do that to me again. Soon, I thought. Not tonight. Tonight
was for starting over fresh.
“I’m glad you made the transition and people like you,” I said, softer. “It’s a lot to move so much.”
“Yes, well. It was hard at first. But it’s been good. And now you’ve moved too.”
It went unspoken, but I was never as good at adjusting as he was. No matter where I went, I felt like I was on the outside
looking in.
“It’s like we switched places from before,” he said. “I’m the one who’s been here longer, and you’re the one who’s new.” He
paused momentarily. “Does that mean I get all your secrets now?”
“Sure. But I’m an open book, don’t you know?”
A small smile played on his lips. “You were always very hard to read.”
He searched me, and it seemed as though he were trying to find something hidden from view. I felt exposed and looked away,
somehow paranoid that he would see my vulnerability toward him, afraid to give him that power.
“I think that we do have one secret in common now,” I said, changing the subject.
“And what’s that?”
I gestured around us. “We’re both on lockdown about where we were tonight. Woke up in the morning with a full night’s sleep
and no recollection of any disturbances, right?”
He grinned. “Right. Of course.” He stuck out his hand. “Should we shake on it?”
I took it. The light thrill as our skin touched again startled me. I let go as quickly as I could and threaded my own fingers
together, letting the hum fade away.
We crept back into the dark house, a little before two. “What if they have a Ring camera or something that catches us? How
are we going to explain that?” I whispered as we tiptoed down the hallway.
“They don’t. Uncle Wang said that they’re installing one later this year. He mentioned that insurance is making them get one
to maintain coverage next year. He said it was a scam.”
I couldn’t help but laugh slightly under my breath. Sounded like something Baba would say too.
He locked the door quietly behind us in the kitchen.
“Don’t worry,” Alan said, speaking through a crack in the bathroom, just before we retired for the night. “We totally got
this. Mission accomplished.” His impishness was so familiar. He had been the one in the past to come up with our schemes and
games. His satisfaction at completing our secret escapade made me smile.
“Good night.”
“Good night,” he echoed. “Thanks for coming out with me, Stella.”
As I slid into bed, my blood still buzzing from our adventure, I thought to myself that next morning was going to be much
better. I felt a measure of peace that I didn’t have before. I imagined that maybe, even, I’d slide quickly into dreamland.
Then, the doorbell rang.
The neighbors had spotted us creeping around to the back of the house. Not recognizing us, they called the cops.
Uncle Wang and Auntie Chao answered the door with a great deal of confusion before we came out of our rooms sheepishly and
explained to the police that it was us the neighbors had seen. Our hosts were sleepy but both looked moderately annoyed. It
was two thirty by the time we had settled everything and went to bed. Neither of them asked what exactly we were doing sneaking
into the house at the hour.
I had slipped into an uneasy sleep around five in the morning.