Chapter 6
CHAPTER SIX
JANIE
Sunday morning, I wake up not ready to go back home.
Everything about that apartment reminds me of Shane, especially the empty places where his things sat.
I roll over, sitting up, and run my hands over my face.
It would be easier if I was angry with him, and I sort of am, but it’s mixed with so many other things, I can’t figure out what I’m really feeling.
He wasn’t good for me. No amount of trying to make him work helped.
It’s a weight off my shoulders to have him gone.
Slowly, I peel myself from the bed. Most of my work is pretty flexible, and technically, I could stay at the ranch until Wednesday, so long as I’m reachable by phone.
As I shower and put on my clothes, I think about it for a while.
Mom is going to beg me to stay, and so is Dad.
But they always do, and I always go back.
We all know how this goes, for both me and my older siblings.
They hate that we all moved away. Sometimes, I do too.
I pull on some shorts and a t-shirt and step into my sneakers, leaving my childhood bedroom and going down the worn steps.
Little marks line the wall at the bottom, where Mom measured us every year on our first day of school.
My fingertips skim over them, and I’m hit with that jolt of longing.
I’ve been feeling that a lot in the last several months.
Today, it’s an ache for something familiar and stable.
The drip coffee machine is full, a note from Mom taped to it.
She and Dad went into Knifely to grab some groceries, but they’ll be back in an hour or so.
I take down a cup, one of the orange diner mugs we’ve had since forever, and fill it, spilling cream into the coffee.
The house is so quiet. Dust settles in the windowsill.
A sparkle of sunshine filters through the lace curtains.
Maybe I could live like this, in the quiet.
I shake my head. Everything, minus Shane, was going fine in the city. I don’t love it, but it pays well and my coworkers are alright. The whole techie startup culture, spearheaded by three guys I’m not sure are qualified to run a business, is a little stressful, but the rest is fine.
Taking a blanket, I go out to the front porch and lay it down, sitting on the step.
The sun is just coming over the slate gray mountains.
In the distance, I see Deacon riding Bones up the hill, the thunder of his hooves shaking the ground.
He’s got Ed, one of the ranch hands, with him and somebody else I don’t recognize.
I squint, watching as they move across the yard towards the barn.
The third rider sits on a Haflinger the same shade as his blond head.
He’s a broad man, fit, with sturdy shoulders and a sun-worn face.
It’s hard to tell, but he looks about my age, maybe a few years older.
They come a little closer, circling the barn and heading in the direction of the west pasture.
From here, I can make out vague facial features.
Oh, I like them.
My stomach flips like I went over a bump. It takes me a second to realize I’m clutching my mug so hard, it’s burning my fingers. I ease up, getting to my feet and walking across the lane and down the alley between the houses. That puts me at the edge of the field, watching them ride up the hill.
“Hey, Janie.”
I turn to find Ed’s wife, Leah, hanging off the porch of her house. She’s a tall woman with brilliant red hair. We went to high school together and didn’t run in the same circles, but I always liked her. When she married Ed and moved onto the ranch, we hung out a few times before I moved away.
“Hey,” I call, tearing my eyes from the dissipating figures on the hill. “What’re you up to?”
“Nothing much. I’m off work today,” she says. “I might go into town later. You’re just back for the weekend?”
I glance over my shoulder, but the blond rider is gone. “Yeah. I’ll probably leave this afternoon.”
She comes down off the porch, hands on her hips. “You had time to go up to the house and meet Mini Deacon yet?”
“Yeah, Mom took me up last night.”
“He’s real cute.”
“He is,” I agree, mind still elsewhere. For a second, I think about waiting to ask Mom who that man is, but if she thinks I’m interested in someone on the ranch, she’ll jump on it as a chance to get me to stay. “Hey, Leah? Who was that blond guy riding with Ed just now?”
“You mean Bittern?” she says, shading her eyes.
“Yeah, I guess so. What did you say his name was?”
“Bittern, like the bird,” she says. “He’s Freya’s brother, back from rehab a few weeks ago. He’s real nice but quiet-like. Keeps to himself.”
I bite the inside of my lip. That’s not what I was expecting her to say.
“What’s he sober off of?” I ask.
“Heard his step-dad got him hooked on something, maybe pain pills, after he had an accident,” she says, tone soft. “He’s had a rough time, seems like a good guy. Ed likes him a lot.”
I nod. “Yeah…just curious.”
She cocks her head, throwing her bright hair back, and gives me a sly glance. “He’s kinda cute.”
I shoot her a stern look. “Don’t you start.”
“What?” She shrugs, going back up the porch steps and pulling open the door. “You’re single.”
“But not ready to mingle. Shane and I just broke up.”
She winks. “Suit yourself.”
The door falls shut, and I take myself back to the front porch and gather up my blanket, going inside. All through my shower, my head is a little distracted. It’s not about Freya’s brother, though he is pretty cute, and I got a little flutter in my chest when I saw him ride by.
I just didn’t expect to be looking at other men so soon after Shane.
Maybe it’s just how jealous he was, always asking what I was looking at on my phone all the time, always wanting to know why I hadn’t texted him.
The number of times I flipped my phone over to show him a text from my mom or one of my siblings…
well, too many. Which reminds me, now that he’s gone, I need to change all my passwords he insisted on knowing.
I stand at the sink for a while, staring out.
No, it’s too soon. It has to be.