Chapter 22
CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO
JANIE
Driving back to the city is the worst feeling I’ve had in a while. I only pack half my things, because then, I’ll have an excuse to come back. But I’m still all torn up over leaving.
It’s about Bittern, of course, but it’s also not about Bittern at all.
I climb the stairs to the second floor, turning the key.
The door swings in, and a gust of cool, stale air hits my face.
Everything is so pale, insipid even. We’re not allowed to paint the walls, so they’re millennial beige with clumps where the landlord didn’t bother to sand the wallboard down.
The couch, the one that Shane helped pick out, doesn’t seem so homey anymore.
Not even the western style patterned blanket draped over it brings any color to the room.
Mechanically, I start on laundry. Everything echoes—my footsteps, my suppressed sniffles.
It’s a long night in an empty bed.
The next morning, I drag myself up and get into the shower.
The spigot sputters angrily when I turn it, and a stream of rusty water shoots out, hitting the wall.
Ew. I guess that’s what I get for having been gone a week.
While I wait for it to run hot, I go to my half-empty closet and pick out a nice outfit—a pencil skirt, heels, and a white sweater.
Then, I wash up and spend a while doing my hair.
I don’t want to go to work.
Bolstering myself, putting on a brave face, I grab my handbag and head down to get my chai latte at the corner.
The streets are pretty subdued; it’s not yet seven, and only the early risers are out and about.
The line at the cafe is short, but I do run into a girl I know from my gym.
She asks where I’ve been, and I say home.
She says where’s that?
My throat closes as I describe Ryder Ranch. It’s a relief when my order comes up and we can exchange pleasantries and part ways.
I’m not handling this well.
Miserable, I walk to work. The marketing department is in a high-rise building that houses a bunch of other startups. I step through the revolving doors, heels clicking, and feel a little bit like my old self. The elevator is oddly empty, as is the hall leading to my department.
I push open the door, entering the main area populated with cubicles.
“Janie!”
Jumping out of my skin, I turn. Cynthia, who sits at the cubicle beside mine, is at my elbow. For some reason, she’s in jeans and a sweatshirt, her red hair tied up in a messy ponytail.
“Hey…are you okay?” I ask.
She glances around. “Did you hear?”
“Hear what?”
She looks around like we’re being surveilled, dipped her hand in my elbow, and pulled me across the room to the break area by the fridge.
“Did you get the email about the private memo?” she whispers.
“No, I’ve been out,” I say.
Her eyes narrow. “Yeah, why were you gone for so long?”
“Shane and I broke up.”
“Good. He kinda sucked.”
Rolling my eyes internally, I nod. “Yeah, I know. Everybody told me that once he was gone. Okay, what is going on? Because it’s weirdly empty in here?”
She inches closer, like she’s afraid the security cameras are going to read her lips.
“The company is going under. They sold for parts but didn’t tell anyone.
One of the upper level partners felt bad, and he leaked a memo about it on purpose.
A bunch of people walked out. Everybody else is just staying to get unemployment. ”
My stomach drops, like a rock in deep water.
“What?” I whisper.
“Yeah.” She nods, eyes huge. “Do you want me to forward you the email?”
I stare, words not computing. I thought the company was just being incredibly accommodating to me, letting me work remotely. Turns out, they just didn’t give a fuck because they were going to let me go anyway.
Blinking, I turn and look at the cubicle in the corner.
There’s a little bouncing flower on the windowsill.
Shane gave me that for our first anniversary.
I remember being so disappointed over it, wishing secretly that he’d gotten concert tickets, or hell, just a night out at my favorite restaurant.
An office toy felt so…impersonal. It was salt in my wound that he was so damn proud of it, like he deserved points just for remembering the occasion.
“No,” I say quietly.
“What?” Cynthia whispers.
If I was waiting on a sign to move the fuck on with my life, this is it. A big, neon sign dropping from the sky telling me to go back to Ryder Ranch.
“Is Richard in his office?” I ask quietly.
She nods. Turning on my heel, I stride across the room and down the hall.
The boss, Richard Derwell, the young techie hotshot who spawned this entire operation, has the biggest office in the building.
It’s entirely made of glass, save for the inner meeting room.
I can see him sitting at his desk, typing away.
I rap on the glass. He turns, waving me in.
Pushing open the door, I lean in.
“Hey, when were you gonna tell me I was getting let go?” I ask.
I’d never had the courage to talk back to someone like this before now. My breakup definitely made my skin thicker. He stutters for a second, glancing around, then reaches in the desk and takes out a folder. I know it has my name on it.
“We’re talking severance packages next weekend,” he says. “Come in on Saturday and we’ll discuss.”
“No, we will not,” I say. “I will not be coming into this office on the weekend. I quit.”
That feels almost, but not quite, as good as when Bittern went down on me in the hallway.
Turning on my heel, I stride down the hall, past the empty cubicles, to the elevator.
Realistically, I know I’m just another in a long line of employees who’ve quit on him this week, but that was for me.
It was for all the tears I shed post-breakup, all the turmoil I went through in the last week.
It was for me, who didn’t stand up for herself before now.
Tonight, I’m going to start packing my things. Tomorrow, I’m going to ask Dad for a loan so I can go downtown and break my lease. I don’t know what the future holds, but this is my break in the clouds, my chance to figure out what I really want.
If that’s going home to Ryder Ranch and loving Bittern Hatfield, that would be more than alright.
Stepping out onto the street, I smile.
I thought when I picked a path, I had to stick to it, but maybe the point of moving here and working that job wasn’t to stay there forever.
Maybe it was to learn to stand up for myself and listen to my heart instead of shoving everything down and pretending everything was alright when it clearly wasn’t.
All I know for sure is, I won’t be doing that again.
From now on, I’m going after what I want.