Chapter Twenty-Seven
Azizi
There is a painting that hangs above the buffet in my gallery of a body partially submerged in a pool of blood, hands clutching at dark skin as if to pull it further and further into that sanguine sea.
It was the last painting I finished before shutting myself away from society, and it was the first painting Kolfina found that drew her attention so completely.
I suppose there is something poetic about me standing here now, staring up at it as the world spins around me. I feel as the woman in the bloody pool feels—suffocated, choking on mouthfuls of blood as the hands threaten to drag me down, down, down.
I feel as if I am drowning, and I do not know how to return to the surface.
It is a foolish thought, of course. My feet are planted on steady ground, my heart is full. I have been so happy since I moved into this house, that I’d nearly forgotten what it felt like to be afraid.
And isn’t that strange? To be afraid of something as simple as a party? My father won’t even be in attendance, and yet my stomach churns like an ocean during a storm. Violent, terrifying.
I should feel excited to attend Lord Macabre’s dinner party. This will be my first event since my dreadful gallery showing, and Jonas assured me it would be filled with other members of the Court—people of “like minds” as he so eloquently put it.
But that fear is always there, lingering on the cliff’s edge. Will they ask about my work? Do I want them to? What if my showing is still being spoken about even a year and a half later? What if it isn’t only my father who is disappointed in me, but the whole of our society as well?
The questions claw at my skin like the hands within my painting, the fear threatening to swallow me whole. I’ve half a mind to tear the wretched thing from the wall, to rip it to shreds like I’ve done with so many others before it.
Then I see another hand there, reaching, caressing. I see another pair of eyes, staring up at the painting with an awe I have searched my entire life for.
Kolfina.
“I do not know what you see in this one that has you enamored so,” I say quietly, turning away from the offending art to watch her instead.
The new body I’ve acquired for her for the evening suits her well, slightly taller than the last and dotted with pretty little moles.
She is lovely, as always, and I cannot understand how she finds my works beautiful while standing here looking like that.
“You look at it as if it is something holy.”
Kolfina smiles and turns to me, reaching out to rest her palm above my still heart. Even through the layers of fabric, I can feel the warmth of her touch as if it is scorching me. I can feel the weight as if it is sinking into my skin and wrapping around my heart, willing it to beat again.
“You see a heart in me where there is none,” I tell her, leaning into the cradle of her palm as she cups my cheek. “I am frightened everyone else tonight will see differently.”
Something twists across her face, a mixture of exasperation and adoration that scrunches up her nose in the most lovely way.
I cannot help but press a kiss to the tip of it, drawing a silent huff of laughter from the shorter woman.
Her fingers slip into my hair, her other hand joining the first as she pulls me down into a proper kiss.
There is nothing hurried about it. Her lips are soft and gentle, like the roses out in the garden that have grown wild since she died. I fall into it easily, licking into her mouth as if I didn’t already have it mapped out in my mind from our previous kisses.
If I am to drown, let it be here in her arms. If I am to suffocate, let it be her lips that draw the final breath from me. If I am to suffer, let it be at her hands, for it would be such sweet suffering.
“Well now, I was told we were in quite a hurry only an hour ago,” Theodore’s voice calls from the doorway.
He leans on the door frame when we glance his way, the sparkling interest in his eyes belaying his crossed arms and playful frown.
“And here I find you both having fun without me. I think I should be offended. I am, in fact. Deeply so. What a cruel pair of lovers I’ve found myself with. ”
“A pity indeed,” I say as Kolfina ducks her head into my shoulder to hide her giggling. “Whatever are you going to do about it?”
Theodore grins, the expression entirely too handsome on his face. “Oh, I’m sure I’ll think of something. Though it will have to wait until tomorrow, I’m afraid. I can’t show up to a party alone, now can I?”
“On the contrary, I’m sure Jonas would be happy to monopolize your time for the evening, especially if I am not there to reign him in.
” I reach out a hand for him, and he takes it, allowing me to pull him into the circle of our arms and kiss him.
He melts into it as he always does, his eyes a bit hazy when I finally pull away to let him breathe. “Hello, darling.”
He hums low in the back of his throat, his lips parting in a charming smile. “Well, I suppose I can forgive you just this once. Though I might need some more persuading.”
Kolfina doesn’t hesitate to tilt her head up towards him, her cheeks the perfect shade of pink as Theodore leans down to capture her lips as well.
They are a vision, even if Kolfina is wearing a borrowed face.
It is still her that throws her arms around his shoulders and pulls him ever closer.
Still her who gasps into the kiss when Theodore’s hands grab at her waist.
I could watch them for hours. Days even. If only we had the time.
“I am afraid Theodore is right,” I interrupt with reluctance. “We will be late if we dawdle too long.”
They are both red-faced and sheepish when they pull away from each other, and part of me wishes to cancel our plans entirely, if only to let them continue.
I might have, if not for my brother’s threat looming over my head.
I have no doubt if we missed the event, he would be bursting down our door mere days later to demand answers.
And besides, I made a promise to Kolfina. One I fully intend to keep, no matter how terrified I am of stepping foot into society again.
“What were you doing in here, anyway?” Theodore asks, glancing around the room with a curious frown. “You only come in here when you’re feeling particularly maudlin, and it’s never good to be maudlin before a party, you know.”
“Not maudlin. Not today at least,” I say with a shake of my head, reaching out to brush my fingers along the frame above the buffet.
If my heart could still beat, I am sure it would be thundering in my chest right now.
“I was considering bringing a painting as a gift for our host. My brother adores him, and he has offered to help Kolfina. I thought it might be a good thank you gift, but—”
The frame burns at my fingertips, shadows licking between my fingers like smoke. I want to bare my teeth at them. I want to show them that I cannot be controlled by fear any longer. Yet still it lingers in the back of my mind like a cloud, thick and blackened with soot.
Fear and madness. My two oldest friends.
Theodore hums again, taking my hand in his as he stares up at the body in the painting. “I think that’s a wonderful idea. Is this the one you wanted to take?”
I glance at Kolfina with a hesitance I am unused to feeling, but the spark of excitement in her borrowed eyes steadies me, and I offer her a smile. “Yes, I think so. If Kolfina would allow it, of course. This is your favorite, is it not? I’d hate to make you part with it.”
Kolfina is shaking her head before I’ve even finished my sentence, her hand batting through the air as if to swat a bothersome fly. She playfully mimes painting something in the air before pointing to herself and looking at me expectantly.
It takes me a moment to decode what she is trying to say, too distracted by her adorable game of charades and the pleasant, easy smile on her face as she does so. “I can paint more, is that what you mean?”
Her curls bounce wildly as she nods, and she raises her chin as if in challenge. As if she already knows that I would say yes. That I would do anything for her and Theodore, even if it means facing my canvas and my demons once more.
“Yes,” I answer her unasked question, cupping her cheek in my hand and pressing a kiss to her forehead. “Yes, I think I could do that.”
To my surprise, it does not feel like a lie. I’ve not finished a painting since that dreadful day, and yet here, in my own private gallery, surrounded by two people who look at my art as if it is something to be revered rather than scorned… I think I could finish something for them, if they asked.
Perhaps it was not my father’s Muses I needed to find, but my own.
A soft knock at the door pulls me from my winding thoughts, and I turn to see Allard standing in the doorway, his hands tucked behind his back and something I don’t recognize twinkling in his eye.
“The carriage is ready for us, my lady. Would you like me to put the painting in a box to bring with us?”
Theodore squeezes my hand again, and Kolfina leans against my shoulder, both supporting me in more ways than they could imagine.
I take a deep breath, shove the thick clouds of doubt behind a door and bolt it shut.
I pretend my voice doesn’t shake when I offer the man a nod. “Yes, please. Thank you, Allard.”
“Of course, madame. Your other packages have been left on your bed.”
“Ah, yes. Thank you. We shall meet you down at the carriage in a moment.” Thankful for the distraction, I tuck Kolfina’s hand into the crook of my elbow and my own into the crook of Theodore’s. “Before we leave, I have gifts for both of you. Come along.”
Theodore and Kolfina follow quickly as I lead them into my bedchambers next door where two small packages are resting atop the bed. One, a long thin box with a bow tied around it, the other a smaller velvet box just slightly bigger than my hand.
“Theodore, I believe I told you a bit about the event we are attending tonight already, yes?”
The boy peers at the boxes with wide, curious eyes and he nods. “How it is a party for people in your secret cult of magic people?”
“It is not a cult,” I correct him with a roll of my eyes.
“It is a society that welcomes and protects people like us—all those born or created under the Night, those who are more than human. It keeps our secrets safe, passes judgment on those who pose a threat to us, guards those of us who need it.” Taking a step to the side, I gesture to the longer box and offer Theodore an encouraging nod. “Go on, open it.”
He hesitates for only a moment before reaching out for the gift, plucking the ribbon off easily and tugging the lid off to set aside.
Sitting inside, resting on a bed of black silk, is a walking stick.
It’s a simple enough thing from a distance, made of dark willow wood and boasting a handsome silver topper, but it is the details that Theodore focuses on, his fingers dragging along the subtle floral design carved into the wood, tracing them up to the top.
There, embedded in the silver, is a stone of blue apatite, a detailed moth carved into its face.
Theodore runs his thumb over it, his eyes flickering between the cane and the bloodstone pendant currently secured on my waist. “This is… for me? But I’m—“
“Just as much a member of our court as I am,” I finish for him, taking his hand in mine and resting it atop the stone.
“We may not have a word for what you are, Theodore, but you are welcome with us, regardless. La Cour Macabre accepts all the Night’s children unless they are a threat to the rest of us, and you, my little beast, are no threat. ”
“I—” The boy swallows, his thumb tracing the design as if to reassure himself that it is there. “Thank you. It’s… It’s beautiful.”
A smile spreads across my face, warmth blooming through my chest like burning flowers.
“I am glad you think so. My eldest brother, Dorian, is an architect by trade, but a woodworker by hobby. He was particularly proud of this one. And you, my dear,” I say, turning to face Kolfina as I hold the velvet box up for her to take, “will recognize this, I should think.”
Kolfina’s eyes widen when she opens the box, her lips parting in a silent gasp as she stares down at the pendant she’d found in her music room.
“I did not have the pendant itself altered in any way, but I thought you might appreciate being able to wear it, rather than leaving it to collect dust in the box or beneath the floorboards. Would you like me to put it on for you?”
It takes longer for her to respond this time, but after a few moments, Kolfina bites her lip and nods.
The necklace is cold when I pluck it from its setting, but Kolfina does not seem to mind when I drape it around her neck and clasp it in the back.
She simply stares at the mirror across from my bed in awe, her fingers tripping over the pendant and following the strings of pearls and aquamarine gemstones that frame the stone, cascading over her collarbones like a waterfall.
Slipping my hands around her waist, I press a gentle kiss to the side of her neck, just above the necklace, and smile at her reflection. “You are lovely, petal. Do you like it?”
Kolfina nods, a few strands of curls falling loose around her face with the force of it. Before I have a moment to feel relieved at her reaction, the woman is turning and pulling me down into a frantic kiss, her hands grasping at my shoulders to pull me closer.
I indulge her for a few moments before another pair of hands take my face in their grasp and pull me into a different kiss—this one hungrier, deeper.
“Thank you,” Theodore whispers against my lips, his eyes wet and glistening when he finally pulls back. “From both of us.”
“Of course, my love. I would do anything for you both. Anything at all.”
“Even skipping this party so we could spend the evening thanking you properly?” Theodore asks with a rakish grin.
I cannot help but laugh, pressing another quick kiss to both their lips before ushering them towards the door. “Alas, you ask too much of me. But I assure you, there will be plenty of time after the festivities to bestow your gratitude. That, I can promise.”
Perhaps the evening will not be so terrible, with Theodore and Kolfina at my sides.
Kolfina has compared us to anchors once before, and I can think of no better description to fit the two of them as well.
They steady my shaking hands, calm my unbeating heart.
If tonight is as terrible as my anxieties suspect it will be, at least I shall have them there to hold me up should I start drowning.