Chapter 6
Six
Emory
The buzz of the alarm pulled me from my restless sleep, and I fumbled for my phone on my nightstand to shut it off. I’d already snoozed twice, and I resisted the urge to stay home another day.
But two days had passed and I still hadn’t done it.
I was stalling. I spent most of the time deep cleaning my place, sorting through my belongings so the person left to do it when I was gone had a little less to do.
I’d punished myself too many times in the last two days in an attempt to relieve some of the guilt in my chest, but I couldn’t stop replaying Bradley’s words in my head.
Enoch and Jae, fucking Jae was here too for some reason, had agreed to keep their mouths shut, but Bradley wasn’t convinced that they weren’t going to try and find me and talk to me. After Enoch’s meltdown, I feared he might.
And maybe a small part of me wanted to see him one last time too. Just to hold onto something other than the memory of him broken and crying on his knees before me when I finally pulled the trigger.
Bradley had been sending me texts like he knew it was a fucking countdown to my demise. He was hounding me to change my mind before tonight when I would be officially leaving WITSEC.
We were going to meet this evening at my apartment to sign all the paperwork.
Apparently, there was a lot. Probably something to do with the US Marshals Service not wanting to get sued if something happened to me after I left the program.
I had a feeling he could have gotten me the paperwork within twenty-four hours but was just stalling because he thought that I might actually leave with him.
Whatever the reason, it meant I had to either go to work or pull the damn trigger.
“Fuck,” I groaned, stretching my sore limbs out across my bed as my alarm started to ring again.
Work was probably the safer option. At least it would give me a distraction beyond these four walls and the loaded gun on my nightstand.
I forced myself to get out of bed and shower properly for the first time in days.
I should’ve showered when Lottie told me to, but I couldn’t get myself to slow down enough to bother.
I was too busy stressing about Enoch. Stressing about the fact that we were living in the same city, breathing the same air, seeing the same sun never set.
After enduring the pain of the hot shower and soap in my cuts, I groaned at my reflection in the foggy bathroom mirror. I had a ridiculous knotted mess in the bottom layer of my hair, and my eyes were puffy and even more red than usual from lack of sleep.
I spent twenty minutes attempting to relieve my hair from the tangles, but I gave up when my arms started shaking. Fuck, when’s the last time I ate something?
I ignored the scabbing wounds and bruises as I dressed in a pair of leggings and a baggy long-sleeved shirt.
I didn’t have my riding gear, and, frankly, I was afraid that Lottie was going to unfriend me if I showed up to work with my bike today.
I hadn’t driven my beat-up Honda Accord since the snow fall in May except to drive it around the block to keep the battery from dying.
But it was the right choice, because my head was pounding, and I needed something that didn’t require as much focus as riding my motorcycle did.
I was choking down a protein bar as I walked into the gym, pausing to quickly shut down the alarm system before dumping my bag in my office.
I proceeded to trudge through the opening checklist until it was time to unlock the front doors.
I didn’t try to force a smile as I sat behind the front desk, waiting for the usual morning climbers to trickle in.
I filled the silence with my favorite songs and zoned out, waiting for Kate to arrive and take her place so that I could retreat to my office.
It was only eleven in the morning, but it felt like I’d lived three fucking lives. The hot coffee I had made an hour ago hadn’t done anything to help boost my energy levels and I was struggling to keep my eyes open staring at the computer screen.
The front door burst open. I nearly toppled out of my chair, having closed my eyes in a half-awake daze.
I bolted up out of my chair as the man stormed straight into the building, gaining the attention of one of the personal trainers who was leading a free-climbing class.
The familiar face of yet another ghost from my past left me standing with my mouth gaping open. Jae’s eyes search the room wildly before landing on my face. I watched his brown eyes bug out as he scanned my appearance with scrutiny. He let out of a huff of disbelief.
“Where is he?” he demanded. “Where’s Nox?”
My brows furrowed, my body tense as the trainer took a step towards us, with a look of concern at Jae’s raised voice.
“He’s n-not here. I don’t know what you're talking about,” I said, trying to speak calmly and quietly.
Jae stalked to the counter, slamming his index finger on the top. “His location says he’s here. So, where the fuck is he?”
My lips thinned and I put up a hand towards Sean to let him know I had things handled.
“Let’s talk outside, okay? Before my coworker calls the police on you.”
Jae looked over to find Sean eyeing him and huffed with a nod of agreement.
“I’ll be right back,” I called out to Sean.
“Everything okay?”
“Fine,” I said, forcing the shitty mood off of my face with a smile. “Be back in ten. Just heading out front.”
I followed Jae outside, beckoning him to move further from the entrance, around the side of the building where no one could eavesdrop and I knew the security camera mounted on the wall wasn’t actually recording.
I stopped, crossing my arms over my chest, and squinted up at him, giving myself a moment to really look at the man he’d become.
Jae had filled out his lanky frame with more muscle, towering over me, his hair its natural black and cropped short on the sides. Like Enoch, he no longer looked like the boy I’d met in high school.
“You know, I-I didn’t believe him. I didn’t even believe that deputy’s story, but this…I can’t…Jesus Christ.” He bent at the waist, bracing himself on his knees as he took several shaky breaths. He seemed to steal himself before rising and eyeing me with a look of vengeance.
“Look,” he spat getting into my personal space. “I dunno what the fuck you’re goal here is, but you need to stay the fuck away from him. Both of us. Alright?”
Jae’s fierce expression told me he’d at least held up his promise to protect Enoch, even if he couldn’t get Enoch to move on.
He hates me. He actually hates me.
When I didn’t respond, he carried on.
“You’ve already ruined his life once, I’m begging you, please don’t ruin it again.
You don’t have any idea what it was like when you died, when you…
And seeing you again, fuck, he thought he need psychiatric intervention because he couldn’t comprehend how you could be alive.
How you could just leave us like that and be living here without a care like we didn’t fucking matter.
Like you didn’t fucking rip his heart out… ”
Jae took a deep breath. “Just, please, please, if you ever cared about us, do this one thing, and stay the hell away. We don’t want anything to do with you and whatever fucked-up shit you got yourself into.”
My heart hurt watching him beg me just like Enoch had when he’d clutched my body for dear life.
I had wanted to give him what he was begging me for.
I wanted to be able to tell Enoch that this was all a fucked-up prank or something.
I wanted to do that more than I had the courage to tell them the truth.
Tell them what I’d done. Tell them I had fucked up by ever involving them in my life.
I guessed it didn’t matter, anyways. The truth wasn’t going to change anything. Not our past and not their future. Especially not how much they clearly hated me now.
“Fuck,” Jae muttered, looking behind me.
I glanced over my shoulder and my stomach bottomed out.
Enoch.
“What the hell are you doing here?” he shouted as he approached, shoving Jae backwards, out of my personal space.
“No. What the hell are you doing here, Nox?” Jae countered, shoving Enoch back to remove his hands from his body. “I told you to leave it alone. You agreed that you weren’t going to come looking for her.”
“Well, I changed my mind.”
Jae shook his head, running a hand through his hair roughly. “Seriously?” he muttered to himself, walking in a small circle in front of us.
He abruptly stopped, arms spread out with frustration.
“You’re fucking selfish, you know that? You’re so fucking selfish. You could’ve told us the truth, you didn’t have to leave those fucking voicemails, didn’t have to leave us like that, make us think that you actually gave a damn about us, make us grieve for you—”
“Stop it!” Enoch shouted, glaring at Jae. “You’re so quick to assume the worst of her without even knowing any of the fucking facts.”
I dug my nails into my palms, the itch to cut nearly overwhelming. I contemplated knocking myself unconscious with the sharp rock on the ground behind Enoch. At least then I’d get out of this fucking conversation.
My heart was breaking in two.
No, this is good. This is fine. Just apologize and end this now.
“I’m sorry,” Jae said mockingly, “some of us aren’t still hung-up on manipulative liars that we ‘knew’ five freaking years ago.”
I shook out my hands, my palms sweating and burning from the half-moon indents I’d left behind. I glanced between them both.
“Shut up!” They froze, meeting my gaze. “Both of you. Just shut up. Jae’s right. I was selfish. But I’m not going to be selfish anymore. I promise that I’m not going to try and contact you or be involved in your life—”
I stopped mid-sentence. Watching Sean round the corner.
“There you are,” he said with relief, eyeing Jae and Enoch warily. “What’s going on? You okay?”
I sighed, turning my attention to the boys for just a moment.
“Yeah. They were just leaving.”
Enoch shook his head, “Wait, no. I came to see you.”
Jae slapped a hand over his eyes with frustration. “Fucking hell.”
I eyed the both of them, aware of the fact that Sean was listening to the conversation. “I’m busy with work right now."
Enoch’s shoulders sagged with obvious disappointment and my mind struggled to understand why.
“Right,” Enoch said with a slow head nod. “Can I get your phone number? To call you after work?”
I stared in stupor for a moment, as he smiled at me. My stomach flipped. I missed that smile.
“Sure. Um…give me your phone.”
“Nox,” Jae said with disapproval.
Enoch ignored him, pulling his phone out and stepping forward to hand it to me.
My palms were sweaty as I clutched the phone and input my phone number, saving the contact as Emory. I handed it back to him.
“I’m off work at four. Um, so you can call me then?”
Enoch seemed to shake himself from his stupor and nodded. “Right. Yeah. I’ll call you tonight.”
He grabbed a protesting Jae by the collar and shoved him towards the parking lot. Sean raised a brow, and I followed him inside, locking myself inside my office.
My knees gave out, and I braced myself against the wall.
Fuck.
I thought I was ready for the truth but hearing it from Jae was…somehow worse. Because from what I could tell, Enoch certainly didn’t see me for what I was.
A liar. A killer. A coward.